Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband told dd he wish he had never had her

217 replies

Chohlin654 · 22/12/2021 22:29

DD (14) was winding her Dad up last night. He'd had a lot to drink, he had been out for 9 hours drinking. It was something he should have laughed off but because of drink, took her serious.
He told her to shut her mouth and he wished she had never been born. He never wanted her and regretted meeting me etc. Would rather be on his own etc. He really went off on one. He was sending lovely messages up until 15 minutes before, is it something he's been harbouring for a long time, I wonder?
DD was so upset and went upto bed, he went to sleep. We have been out all day with younger dd and he's been in the pub, he's now in bed pissed. I really need to leave him don't I? I think I may be finally in a position to do this.
He's always been a drinker and really nasty to me but never said anything like this to the girls before.

OP posts:
PriamFarrl · 22/12/2021 22:53

Oh my love.
It’s so easy to say that you need to leave but so hard to do in reality.
Sleep on the sofa or in with the kids for tonight then talk to him when he’s sober.

CakesOfVersailles · 22/12/2021 22:53

In the morning tell your daughter you love her more than anything and that having her and her sister is the best choice you've ever made.

If you have a good wage now you have more freedom.

tara66 · 22/12/2021 22:53

He needs to apologise to DD whether you leave or not. She does not want to live with that (though many do).

lisaandalan · 22/12/2021 22:54

Definitely leave that is unforgivable, my dad left us when I was a small child, telling me he loved his Trollope and her kids more than me and me mum, I still remember it.
Obviously my mum never took him back, we were much happier without him. X

MondayYogurt · 22/12/2021 22:54

He's let the truth out.

Original poster
Chohlin654 · 22/12/2021 22:55

He'll claim not to remember, 100%. This is his usual tactic. I have made a bed on the couch where ill be for the foreseeable. We are supposed to be going out shopping tomorrow. Me and the girls are going early instead, leave the fucker here

OP posts:
Mumoblue · 22/12/2021 22:55

Yes, you need to leave. That’s not the sort of thing a kid forgets.

Allsortsofroses · 22/12/2021 22:59

@Chohlin654

He'll claim not to remember, 100%. This is his usual tactic. I have made a bed on the couch where ill be for the foreseeable. We are supposed to be going out shopping tomorrow. Me and the girls are going early instead, leave the fucker here
Ah, weaponised amnesia.

Well you remember, now your daughter remembers; that's all that matters.

A perpetrator saying they don't remembers commitment a crime doesn't unfortunately unfortunately crime, it doesn't undo the effect on victims.

Time for him to wake up to that and stop slithering out of responsibility for his abuse while drunk.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/12/2021 22:59

In the morning tell your daughter you love her more than anything and that having her and her sister is the best choice you've ever made.

Absolutely this.

And make it clear that you're leaving because you all deserve to live in a home where you feel safe, loved and respected. That you want them to feel that way all the time and that what he said was unacceptable and unfair.

Keep reiterating how much you love her. She's the age where a child might say they don't need to hear it all the time but they still really do.

Bastard. Utter bastard.

Allsortsofroses · 22/12/2021 23:00

A perpetrator saying they don't remember commiting a crime doesn't undo the crime, it doesn't undo the effect on victims.

Clymene · 22/12/2021 23:03

Go out tomorrow and tell your children their dad is going to move out. That he's crossed a line and they -and you - deserve better.

Don't pretend it didn't happen. Please talk to them before you talk to him.

crankysaurus · 22/12/2021 23:04

In the morning tell your daughter you love her more than anything and that having her and her sister is the best choice you've ever made.

Yep, exactly this. Then split and never go back to the fucker.

UserBot · 22/12/2021 23:05

Wow. That has to be the line in the sand.
Unforgiveable.

Curiousmouse · 22/12/2021 23:05

I managed a mortgage a lot of years ago by having a lodger in the spare room. I also converted the lounge to a bedroom and rented that out, leaving the large dining room a a lounge for us. Keeping a house can sometimes be managed, using these strategies.

Double3xposure · 22/12/2021 23:07

What can we do to support you @Chohlin654? Do you need moral support, practical advice , a place to complain about how awful he has been to you?

Just to reassure you that no one here is judging you for trying to make it work with him. Well I’m not anyway. It’s easy to say LTB but when he’s the father of your kids and you have no money, it’s understandable that you give it so many chances.

Well that’s what I did anyway. I thought it was right at the time and who knows if I was right or wrong to have not left when my kids were younger.

So please have a hand hold from me.

I think the place to start is to get legal advice . I know that’s not easy two days before Christmas but you might be able to get a recommendation for someone good and then get an appointment for early in the New year. This is their busiest time ☹️.

Get copies of all paperwork and store on the cloud or at someone else’s house.

Tell people in RL that you trust absolutely to support you and not tell anyone else. Don’t talk to anyone who is invested in keeping up appearances - you will know if any of your family are like that.

Tell no one else , not him or your kids.

Keep your cards close to your chest.

Sparklespangle · 22/12/2021 23:07

She will remember that for the rest of her life. No matter what you do now, she will remember where she was stood, what she was wearing, exactly what was said and how it was said.

You can make sure this is the only thing by getting out now.

Please, take it from someone with a lot of those memories. Do it for her.

lynntheyresexswappers · 22/12/2021 23:07

Please tell your daughter you love her and she's always your number one - my heart broke for her reading that. What a vile excuse of a man

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 22/12/2021 23:09

@Clymene

Go out tomorrow and tell your children their dad is going to move out. That he's crossed a line and they -and you - deserve better.

Don't pretend it didn't happen. Please talk to them before you talk to him.

Don't say this if it isn't 100% true.

They need a parent they can trust and rely on ATM.

ChargingBuck · 22/12/2021 23:13

@Viviennemary

Why was she winding him up. Sounds likd deep down he is very fed up with it all. Very wrong of him to say these things. Its awful.
Because she's 14.
Ibizafun · 22/12/2021 23:16

All here are right- don't pretend it didn't happen. When they say they don't want you to break up (they will be frightened of losing what they know however bad it is), you have to tell them confidently that although he does love them despite his drunken vile words, he is not good enough to be around them and to trust you that everything will be fine.

seonollaig1984 · 22/12/2021 23:20

Doesn't matter if he can't remember, the hurt has been caused. Saying that to a child is terrible. You said he's been horrible to you so it's not just a one off. If I were in your position I couldn't stay with him.
This is a great opportunity to throw him out and start a new life. Harder for him ever to defend as opposed to when there's only his word against yours. This is a huge life lesson for your daughter- don't ever let a man (or anyone) speak to you or your mother in this way. It is not acceptable.

Suzi888 · 22/12/2021 23:21

@Chohlin654

He'll claim not to remember, 100%. This is his usual tactic. I have made a bed on the couch where ill be for the foreseeable. We are supposed to be going out shopping tomorrow. Me and the girls are going early instead, leave the fucker here
^ That’s probably what he wants, will he care you’ve gone without him.

Easier said than done, but if you can afford to I’d see a solicitor and sell up.

comfortablyfrumpy · 22/12/2021 23:22

He sounds a complete arsehole I'm sorry.

You and your kids deserve better.

I hope by the time you all get home from shopping, that he will have packed his bags and gone.

Original poster
Chohlin654 · 22/12/2021 23:23

I don't know what I want from this really. Just jotting my feelings down and hoping that I'm not overreacting. I want to read it back when I'm feeling weak. Advice I suppose, although I'm not sure I'm ready to heed any of it whilst it's all so raw. I know he's vile but he's all I know, I need de conditioning from the behaviour I have accepted during our marriage.

OP posts:
blinder · 22/12/2021 23:26

He needs to go. Who cares where?

Swipe left for the next trending thread