Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband told dd he wish he had never had her

217 replies

Chohlin654 · 22/12/2021 22:29

DD (14) was winding her Dad up last night. He'd had a lot to drink, he had been out for 9 hours drinking. It was something he should have laughed off but because of drink, took her serious.
He told her to shut her mouth and he wished she had never been born. He never wanted her and regretted meeting me etc. Would rather be on his own etc. He really went off on one. He was sending lovely messages up until 15 minutes before, is it something he's been harbouring for a long time, I wonder?
DD was so upset and went upto bed, he went to sleep. We have been out all day with younger dd and he's been in the pub, he's now in bed pissed. I really need to leave him don't I? I think I may be finally in a position to do this.
He's always been a drinker and really nasty to me but never said anything like this to the girls before.

OP posts:
ProudAlly · 23/12/2021 08:53

When I was 8 or 9 my mother said to me that if she'd had me first she'd never have had another child. I have never forgotten that in nearly 50 years and it still upsets me today. Leave him.

rainbowstardrops · 23/12/2021 08:57

I can't understand why he's sleeping it off in bed because I'd have kicked his sorry arse out the door! That is something no child should ever have to hear.

I agree with a pp who said don't tell your DD that you're leaving him specifically for what he said but because he's an abusive drunk and you've all tolerated enough already.

Kick him out!

Purplespup16 · 23/12/2021 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

curlymom · 23/12/2021 09:01

Awful words. He needs the big heave ho

theDudesmummy · 23/12/2021 09:12

Part of my job is speaking to people who experienced abuse in childhood. Of all the dreadful things I hear about, being told by a parent that they wished the person had never been born, is one of the things that stands out as the most psychologically damaging, even decades later. You can't take away the trauma of what he said but you can mitigate it by firmly rejecting him and his behaviour and showing your child you prioritise her way way over him. You have to leave the relationship. And not some time later. Now, with your DD seeing it as a direct response to what he said.

theDudesmummy · 23/12/2021 09:13

@Cimone you are explicitly condoning child abuse.

CaMePlaitPas · 23/12/2021 09:14

I couldn't live with a man who thought it was OK to spend 9 hours out at the pub. What a pathetic excuse for a father and husband he is.

Anyone who hurt my child would be out on their arse, including their own father.

AnyFucker · 23/12/2021 09:16

As a teenager my father once said to my mum, in my presence and meaning me to hear, “she cramps my style”

There were many similar confidence-crushing episodes. I have never forgotten and never forgiven either of my parents for that. My dad for saying it, and my mum for tolerating it

CPL593H · 23/12/2021 09:23

Op, unfortunately I do think he meant the content of his rant, which also included being on his own, on some deep level. Drink disinhibits and this is what he feels when the brakes are off. There are clearly longstanding issues and I'm glad you're in a better position to make his wish come true and in doing so, have a better life for you and your kids.

I hope that you and they have as good a Christmas as possible.

MsGrumpytrousers · 23/12/2021 09:26

@NowEvenBetter

The first step isn’t necessarily putting the house up for sale, that can be dealt with by solicitors as part of a divorce. In the meantime, focus on the kids burdened with this man as a father, no need to be getting in to arguments or conversing at all with the loser, he can forward any whining to your solicitor.
Others will know more than me, but if you've got two children and the eldest is only 14, I think usually you'd get the right to live in the house until both leave home. In any case, it's three against one, so I'd be asking him to leave, not moving out yourself.
IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2021 09:27

That is unforgivable.
She will carry that for years. Even if he tells her a million times he didn't mean it, a part of her will never believe him. Some things just stay inside you and become a constant voice in your head that can cause you problems years later. Even if you seemed upset but ok at the time
I speak from experience sadly.

comfortablyfrumpy · 23/12/2021 09:27

Op I have been wondering how things are this morning.
The more I think about it, the more I think that uou have ti show your daughter how unacceptable this man is.
I hope you can get him to leave but if you can't, then I think you have to remove yourself and your kids from this situation.

Shinychestnuts · 23/12/2021 09:29

To your dd: tell her that she is to ignore everything her dad says when she is drunk, because, drunk people talk nonsense.

To your dh: insist he takes to your dd and apologises.

After Christmas: as he is constantly nasty to you, and has now started on dc, I would make plans to leave.

TheQuernsSperch · 23/12/2021 09:31

It's concerning that OP is already backtracking and excusing this man's behaviour.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 23/12/2021 09:35

Well at least you won't be fighting over the dc.. Genuinely don't encourage any relationship.. Your dc deserve more than an alcoholic df..
And you need to take every penny you are entitled to for your new life.

NewbieAlert · 23/12/2021 09:36

He's gifted you the perfect reason to leave him. Use this opportunity.
Absolutely this.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/12/2021 09:40

@Cimone

Nobody gives a shit about you but your mother. If you are gonna be out here talking mess to adult men and women, be prepared to get your butt ripped to shreds. Nobody cares about your feelings but Mommy, as is evidenced in this post.

You don't think most dads give a shit about their kids? Or care about their feelings? That's not just depressing, it's untrue.

LizS16 · 23/12/2021 09:42

You are not over reacting, you need to act to protect your daughter. What he said (even if in jest) is absolutely unforgivable and absolutely unforgettable. Do you want your daughter to think that this is how relationships work?

Sagaris · 23/12/2021 09:52

How are you doing @Chohlin654? We are all here to support you - having a DF and ex 'D'H who liked the bottle a bit too much, I do sympathise. Definitely take legal advice as soon as possible, and look forward to a much better future. I wish I had separated sooner than I did. I hope you have the best Christmas.

nitsandwormsdodger · 23/12/2021 10:12

He was abusive and you need to protect your children from this
How you act now is vital
It’s easy for me to say but id chuck him out and not give a crap where he goes
Seeing your dad drink for 9 hours then go to bed pissed is not normal but I think you have become used to it ? Stop this childhood and start a new one , you both deserve better

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 23/12/2021 10:16

@Viviennemary

Why was she winding him up. Sounds likd deep down he is very fed up with it all. Very wrong of him to say these things. Its awful.

Don’t victim blame-she’s a child. Children funny enough do say and do things that aren’t right and also make bad decisions. It’s how they grow and learn. He’s an adult so beyond that. He’s an abusive alcoholic arsehole. She will never forget those deeply cruel words.

Leave and leave soon. Tell your daughter why-she needs to know you have her back and don’t think the same. Don’t let her blame herself for the break up-it’s on him. And who gives a fuck if he has nowhere to go. 🤷‍♀️

billy1966 · 23/12/2021 10:18

@Laika89

Pretty much the worst thing anyone could say to their own child. And it’s something she’ll remember, forever. Not just a nasty throwaway comment that will be forgotten, that’ll live with her well into adulthood and possibly her whole life.
This.

Your poor children.

How can you not see how awful this environment is for them.

How can you say you care for your children when you allow your daughter to be emotionally abused like that.

You are worried this waster will have nowhere to go?

You should have called the police and had him removed.

THAT is what a caring mother would have done.

No man would be sleeping off a hangover in my house if he spoke to my child like that.

Your poor children.

She will never forget that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/12/2021 10:20

As the saying goes - sticks and stones may break your bones but words can break your heart. (Tim Minchin variation)
And she'll remember that forever - that can't be taken back, even if he apologises til he's blue in the face.

So yeah - I think you're done with him.

jpbee · 23/12/2021 10:23

Doesn't really matter to what extent he meant it, he said it which is reason enough to get rid. Good people don't say shit like that, it's not normal or acceptable. And she won't forget it.

Dragongirl10 · 23/12/2021 10:32

I agree this will be impossible for her to forget, and she will need lots of help to not take this hurt forward with her.

You should have left before, but have been working towards leaving and now need to get out fast (talking carefully to her about why...some good advice up thread)

Tell her he is a nasty drunk that has said vile things to you over years, and the this is the turning point, she and you deserve better.

Please don't waver op

Swipe left for the next trending thread