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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband told dd he wish he had never had her

217 replies

Chohlin654 · 22/12/2021 22:29

DD (14) was winding her Dad up last night. He'd had a lot to drink, he had been out for 9 hours drinking. It was something he should have laughed off but because of drink, took her serious.
He told her to shut her mouth and he wished she had never been born. He never wanted her and regretted meeting me etc. Would rather be on his own etc. He really went off on one. He was sending lovely messages up until 15 minutes before, is it something he's been harbouring for a long time, I wonder?
DD was so upset and went upto bed, he went to sleep. We have been out all day with younger dd and he's been in the pub, he's now in bed pissed. I really need to leave him don't I? I think I may be finally in a position to do this.
He's always been a drinker and really nasty to me but never said anything like this to the girls before.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chohlin654 · 22/12/2021 23:26

Wow even reading that back was a shock. I sound so weak, i'dshake myself if I could

OP posts:

username1293948 · 22/12/2021 23:27

@AnyFucker

Off he fucks

Love this. Couldn’t have put it better myself!

comfortablyfrumpy · 22/12/2021 23:28

I think it isn't something he can un-say. It's truly, utterly nasty. Your poor daughter.

I do think you need to work out how to LTB.

Camembear · 22/12/2021 23:28

Unforgivable thing to say to a child. Who cares if he claims he can’t remember it, it doesn’t even matter if that was true. Your daughter will remember it forever.

Pinkchocolate · 22/12/2021 23:29

OP please seek support for your DD. That’s an awful thing to hear and she needs to process it in a way that doesn’t hurt her for years on end.
You know you’re right that you need to leave. You all deserve better. I hope you manage to get out.

Pinkyxx · 22/12/2021 23:30

I'm so sorry for you and your DD. Having recently been through something similar with my DD and her Father, there is no coming back from saying something like that. Only difference was my ex was stone cold sober. I later understood it wasn't the first time, but the words were so awful they cut her so deep she told me. The damage done has been immense. I'm going to call it what it is: it's emotional abuse.

Please don't pretend this didn't happen. This is a defining moment where your DD needs to know you won't allow her to be treated that way. Those words will haunt her forever make no mistake, make sure she remember YOU were there for her and did the right thing. Tell her you love her and she is the best thing in your life.

alexdgr8 · 22/12/2021 23:31

the drinking alone would be completely unacceptable to me.
let alone speaking to a child, his child, like that.
you don't need him.
the children need the best parent they can have; which is you.

Clymene · 22/12/2021 23:32

Oh yes @SliceOfCakeCupOfTea! He needs to go.

If you can't say your relationship is over @Chohlin654 then please don't brush this under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen. Speaking from personal experience, your children need to hear you acknowledge that this was wrong.

Pinkyxx · 22/12/2021 23:32

@Pinkchocolate

OP please seek support for your DD. That’s an awful thing to hear and she needs to process it in a way that doesn’t hurt her for years on end. You know you’re right that you need to leave. You all deserve better. I hope you manage to get out.

Second this. Counselling is helping my DD, slowly. In some ways the reaction is like grieving - shock, anger.. we're still in the anger phase 2 years later.

PartyPrawnRingGames · 22/12/2021 23:32

I would leave him but I would tell dd you arent leaving because you think he meant it but he more likely said something very aggressive and inappropriate because he was an angry drunk. I don't really believe people are letting out the truth when they are drunk, more like they can't control their temper and will say anything to get a reaction they want like a young child. I wouldn't want your dd to think your leaving him confirmed he was telling the truth that he doesn't love her. The reason I would leave is that you can't live with someone who has this kind of alcohol problem any longer, as it will only get worse. This has been a wake up call for you and I would not let him being sorry in the morning, or when he realised you are leaving, change your mind because it will happen again.

Allsortsofroses · 22/12/2021 23:35

@Chohlin654

Wow even reading that back was a shock. I sound so weak, i'dshake myself if I could

If you were weak you wouldn't be posting on here, looking for clarity and perspectives.

You'd just be minimising this to yourself and your daughter.

thefourgp · 22/12/2021 23:36

What a heartless bastard. There’s no excuse. None. If you stay with him you’re telling your daughter it’s okay to accept being treated like shit.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 22/12/2021 23:39

He needs to go, you know that,this was the last straw. Concentrate on how fantastic next year will be when this is behind you. I wish you the best of luck with your future x

Enough4me · 22/12/2021 23:40

His actions and words hve directly led you to knowing you have to leave him. If he pretends to forget, blames you, says he's stressed, or threatens you (all the typical abusive responses) ignore and carry on moving forwards.

Make short and medium term lists for now and focus on the things you can practically do to separate. Tell people IRL and accept any and all help that is offered. It will get better even if the change is stressful to go through.

Original poster

Chohlin654 · 22/12/2021 23:42

@PartyPrawnRingGames

This is helpful. I know he didn't mean it, he really did want her. I didn't want to be a parent, she was a surprise but I soon got my head around it and I've loved her every second since. He's just a nasty twat. He was older when we met and very used to being alone. He always tells me what he would be doing had he been single still. I think he really should have stayed single and not put us all in this position. His words come from a nasty nasty place because I know he doesn't mean it and that's what's worse I think, he's saying it to hurt her. And he has succeeded

OP posts:

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/12/2021 23:49

YES. Literally if you can leave tomorrow, do it.

JingsMahBucket · 22/12/2021 23:50

@tara66

He needs to apologise to DD whether you leave or not. She does not want to live with that (though many do).

@tara66 @Chohlin654 NOPE. DO NOT give him a chance to apologize or even seek it out from him. Doing that only starts the cycle of abuse and forgiveness for your daughter. By him apologizing, both your daughter and you may feel obligated to accept this shit apology for his abusive behaviour. Cut it off at the knees and now plan and execute your life without him going forward. He’s dead to you now or at least that’s the way I’d treat it going forward.

Can you go to friend or relative’s house for Christmas? Your holidays will be so much better without this tension and abuse. It’ll also give you and your daughters clear thinking time without his drunk spectre hanging around you trying to convince you all to play happy families to outsiders. Definitely get help from close loved ones. Call up Women’s Aid immediately and start working out an action plan for yourself. You’ve got this!

Tilltheend99 · 22/12/2021 23:54

Having an alcoholic parent, regardless of if they are abusive, can seriously affect your kids and how they interact with others in the long term.

Your daughters are learning from you and your partner how to relate to men etc

You have clearly suffered and I don’t want to kick the boot in. You know you need to leave, you are now in a position to leave. Your daughter should not have to be around anyone who has been drinking for nine hours. Your partner is abusive to your daughter.

Sonaftersonafterson · 22/12/2021 23:56

She will always remember that. What a cuntish thing to say. I'd have gone nuclear at my DH if he came out with that. Drunken areshole, get rid.

CoffeeRunner · 22/12/2021 23:57

DD will never forget that.

I am 46. When I was 25 my mum told me that my autistic DS1 had "nothing wrong with him apart from poor parenting".

No. He is autistic. Has dyslexia, dyspraxia & ADHD but has done bloody well for himself despite all that (3 years in a steady job).

I have never & will never forget that comment.

Protect your DD by distancing yourself.

Jux · 22/12/2021 23:57

Yeah, he's nasty.

Why are you on the couch and not him? Move him out of the bedroom and enjoy having it to yourself.

Meanwhile, consider your options, get your ducks in a row. You don't need his input, opinion, anything.

Small steps .

ImJustMum · 22/12/2021 23:57

That is utterly horrific. Drunk or not drunk, your daughter will remember that moment FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. just make sure she remembers her mum having her back and doing something about it. Who gives a shit if he has no where to go. His ass wouldn't of touched the ground as he went out of the door. Make him go, call the police if you have too. Your daughter needs you too.

JingsMahBucket · 22/12/2021 23:58

I know he didn't mean it, he really did want her.

He was older when we met and very used to being alone. He always tells me what he would be doing had he been single still. I think he really should have stayed single and not put us all in this position.

His words come from a nasty nasty place because I know he doesn't mean it and that's what's worse I think, he's saying it to hurt her.

@Chohlin654 please stop making excuses for him. He doesn’t deserve your grace or your protection. I know it’s hard to shake that thought process when you’ve been abused for so long.

Deep down he likely means what he said. Or if anything, operate like he did. Take what he said at face value and act accordingly.

Onthedunes · 23/12/2021 00:13

Would your daughter like you to separate? him drinking and lashing out at the family must be dreadfrul and fearful for you all.

Even pissheads when they sober up expect their loved ones to fuck off, especially shitheads that can't keep their abusive mouths shut.

You know you need to leave, find out all you are entitled to, I think you've suffered enough.

Contact Alanon, support for friends and family of alcholics.

HarrisonStickle · 23/12/2021 00:14

Your daughters have grown up with an alcoholic father who's always been nasty to their mother, and now has turned on one of them.

For their sakes you need to split. They've already been conditioned into accepting alcoholism and a husband being nasty to his wife as the norm. Staying will only tell your daughter that you value him over her.

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