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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

999 replies

AB10 · 16/12/2021 15:23

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
IgneousRock · 16/12/2021 15:25

Would he consider counselling, OP? It's very common to lose the 'spark' when you have a young child - I don't think it means the marriage is doomed, but you do both need to be committed to trying to work things out.

Arren12 · 16/12/2021 15:27

You are not in charge of someone else's happiness. What is HE doing about the fun/intimacy issue?

BobbieT1999 · 16/12/2021 15:28

Agree with pp.

Also you've done a lot of apologising but what is he bringing to the table??

BigSandyBalls2015 · 16/12/2021 15:29

Why is he putting all this onto you!! 'Everyone at work thinks I'm funny' ... dickhead! That would enrage me.

Themummilly · 16/12/2021 15:29

He sounds very selfish. He should be asking himself why you don't find him as funny as his work colleagues. It sounds like he's putting the blame onto you but perhaps he acts differently in front of others? Puts in more of an effort with them than with you? Taking you for granted, maybe?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/12/2021 15:30

If he refuses counselling consider going on your own. I would also now ask him to move out if he is apparently that unhappy with you.

re your comment:-
"He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly."

I am wondering if he has had his head turned by another woman here.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2021 15:31

The Script begins.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/12/2021 15:32

It takes 2 on a marriage. Sounds like he has checked out and is socialising without you (could he be having affair or coming on to a colleague)
Life isn’t fun with a baby and pnd. He could have arranged things with you and sorted babysitting or even fun dates at home. Instead you are left holding the baby.

RaisedByPangolins · 16/12/2021 15:32

100% There’s a woman at work who finds him hilarious. I’m sorry. It’s so predictable.

Dibble135 · 16/12/2021 15:34

Hmmm another woman? The re-writing history with were we ever happy, going out with work friends, cannot be definitive as to whether he is committed.

So it’s all your fault when it comes out as you pushed him to it.

He knows where the door is. No one is forcing him to stay.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/12/2021 15:35

I’d ask outright if he wants to be married and work on things (maybe counselling, date nights etc) or if he’s met someone else.
Do you go out regularly with your friends in evenings or is it him out constantly and you holding the baby.

DramaLlamadodah · 16/12/2021 15:36

First thought on reading your post was-why are you apologising, you have been ill! I feel like you feel his unhappiness is your fault..it really isn’t..

AfterSchoolWorry · 16/12/2021 15:37

@Aquamarine1029

The Script begins.
100%
Deadringer · 16/12/2021 15:39

His rewriting of history is never a good sign. You are going through a rough patch, and it's likely things are much harder for you, at least he has the option to have a laugh at work, and drinks after. He sounds like a selfish arse to me.

Original poster
AB10 · 16/12/2021 15:41

Thanks for your comments. I must admit that I’m not the easiest to live with sometimes. I clean a lot etc and work full time (as does he) so can be tired, irritable. Never abusive, just probably not that fun. He says he’s worn down by me. I am looking back at messages etc recent and pay, and he’s laughing, putting kisses and saying love you. Sure to can’t be all bad if that was happening? I also said that on a recent holiday that I planned we have nice memories and he said what pictures? Implying that he wasn’t really happy then either.
I’m just so devastated for my little boy as I know he loves us both so much and I feel I’ve failed as a wife and keeping us together.
Regarding another person, I have asked and he said no. But there has been a distinct checking out of our marriage. I have apologised profusely since he said all these things so much so my sister is insisting I done apologise or tell him I love him any further because all I’m getting back is I’m willing to put up with it because of our son.
To give context, both our families have v sick close members and I tried to explain that he may be able to have an easier laugh with others and they are not embroiled in our life. He says that he can’t tell me whether he’s 💯 committed to me and our marriage.
Fee lost at sea!

OP posts:
DramaLlamadodah · 16/12/2021 15:55

Sod that -he doesn’t know if he’s committed?! That would be it for me, none of the playing “pick me pick me” stuff. I would ask him to move out and give yourself some time and space to think about things and decide if you want to do counselling (or not) and just get some perspective l. I’m so sorry, what terrible timing

Original poster
AB10 · 16/12/2021 15:57

I don’t go out much because would rather be with my son.
My husband never used to bother about going out much either. He says that he loves me as we’ve been together for so long but he’s not in love with me. Regarding affection, I said recently that we’d been affectionate and he said one swallow doesn’t make a flock. He’s using all these sayings while I’m just crumbling.

OP posts:
minipie · 16/12/2021 15:58

@RaisedByPangolins

100% There’s a woman at work who finds him hilarious. I’m sorry. It’s so predictable.
This
Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2021 15:59

I'm sorry, op, but there is another woman involved, I guarantee it.

Original poster
AB10 · 16/12/2021 16:01

And to top it all off - we’ve just bought/ moved to a new house. I tried to explain that it is a stressful time but he said because I struggled with the change in moving houses (cried the first night and was upset at the work needing done) that that was the final straw. I quickly pulled myself together and have been since trying to make it a nice home for us all. He said we should have been having drinks and celebrating the first night like normal couples. I tried to explain that many people may find moving house challenging. I have apologised for it but he says that he resents me because of how I acted.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 16/12/2021 16:02

@Aquamarine1029

The Script begins.
Unfortunately this could well be true. I hope not, but my XH did this. 'We never have fun', but unable to actually say what form this fun would take. Turns out he was looking for wife no 2 when this was going on, just hadn't given me my P45 yet.
caringcarer · 16/12/2021 16:02

OP, it sounds as if he has already checked out of your marriage and has found someone he fancies at work. I would ask him outright. Ask if he will go to counseling services with you. If he refuses I think the writing is on the wall. This is not your fault, stop apologising to him.

minipie · 16/12/2021 16:03

Tell him if he’s so unhappy then he can leave. He should provide his proposals for where you will both live, child maintenance payments, shared custody of DS, etc for you to consider with lawyers. You’re not interested in staying with someone who isn’t committed and who doesn’t seem to like you much.

Either this will give him a wake up call and he will stay. Or it won’t and he will go - but at least you will know and not be dicked around by him for months.

Original poster
AB10 · 16/12/2021 16:03

Sorry everyone, I feel like I’m burdening you all here. I just feel I’ve failed as a wife!

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 16/12/2021 16:03

I'd have to push back. You've done all the 'nice' things- apologised, explained etc.

He's made absolutely no effort at all, and ultimately it's his responsibility to be happy. Yet he's doing nothing except complain8ng and blaming you.

I'd be tempted to say 'what a shame. Will you move back to your parents then?'