Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Is there a specific name being mentioned a lot from work? A new starter or female “friend”?
Has he had mentionitis at all?

"I’m blaming myself because he says he’s so miserable so surely that is mostly if not even partly down to me".

No, you are not responsible for another person's happiness or lack of. It also suits him for you to carry the can for this marriage collapsing in on itself. He is two faced; he presents one happy and smiley face to outsiders but quite another to you directly. You are not to blame for his being apparantly miserable; that is on him and he alone.

Op just stop it.

Stop trying to find out what you have done wrong to recieve this body blow he has just delieved to your stomach.

He's just punched you and you are trying to make excuses and wishing it can just be recified by being more jolly.

He doesn't care about the cleaning, in fact that is giving him more space and time to flirt and decieve.
If it were me I would chuck him out, he's said this so he can go anyway, to have more fun at Christmas, he's lining you up to throw him out and he will be the victim.

Go as planned, get him out, return him back to his incapacitated parents, he will be doing his own washing, ironing and cooking.
He will also be having the children and giving you a break, something he's not done before.

Christmas Day he will be with his elderly parent as the new model will probably be else where with commitments.
He needs the full force of single life dropped on him for that comment.

Useless, ungrateful man.

You have done nothing wrong, but tell him you agree with what he has said and maybe you would find someone else more supportive and fun than him.

Tell him you don't work as a couple and were begining to realise someone else could appreciate, care and be able to coax you into having more time, fun and intimacy, which is lacking in your relationship because he is selfish.

Some men actually appreciate you bringing their child up well and providing a lovely loving home and expect not to be slated for turning into a boring, full time earning knackered mother.

Take care, please do not put any blame on yourself, you will regret it later.

OP, I never ever say that on marriage troubles threads, but that fact he said that at work they think he is funny would convince me there is someone in particular at work who thinks he is funny. I don't know how far it went so far, but there is definitely another woman. Yes, with a new baby and PND and house move stress youight have been not fun to be around but something tells me he put no efforts to try to make it easier for you, to comfort you, to take you time off, to take your stress away. Stop apologising and ask him if there is a lady who finds him funny in the office that made him realised how unhappy he is in his marriage

This was hard to read. I feel so sorry for you. Your DH should be supporting you through PND. Not making you feel responsible for his unhappiness. All relationships go through tough times and couples support each other through that. Unfortunately I feel your husband is creating a narrative so when he skips off with OW folks wont judge him. He has done a good number on you as your investing your energy feeling upset and feeling your to blame. He isnt a good man and any good man would do there utmost to support there wife he needs them

I never said he’s not interested in someone else, but it’s a ridiculous jump for people to just DECIDE a that’s what’s happening. OP has had PND, has clear ongoing anxietydepressipn and they have been having relationship issues, it’s hardly a shock that he’s not screaming about how happy the relationship makes him. Whether he’s fully checked out I’d whether there’s hope is something you can only find out beofff it’s too late by acting in good faith.

Your relationship has clearly been really tough the last while. Thinks like crying all night when you move, obsessive cleaning, crankiness, constantly looking for validation— most partners wouldn’t exactly be thrilled either.

You can’t make him happy, that’s not within your power. But to be brutally honest yes you can be helping o make him unhappy if he comes back to a tense, emotional atmosphere. You’re going through a tough time together and you need to prioritise being there for each other emotionally over living up to a concept of perfection

OP, I see you don’t want to acknowledge this, but your husband has had his head turned and is busy rewriting history to make it easier to leave you. He is feeding you a script as old as time.

Hallmarks of Wife Abandonment Syndrome:

You don’t need to check off all ten to fit the definition:

1. Prior to leaving, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, emotionally engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.

1. The husband had never said that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.

1. The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over/he’s unhappy/miserable "out-of-the-blue".

1. Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.

1. By the time the husband reveals his intentions to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and he often moves out quickly.

1. The husband’s behavior changes radically, so much so that it seems to his wife that he has become a cruel and withdrawn stranger.

1. The husband shows no remorse; rather, he blames his wife.

1. In almost all cases, the husband had been having an affair.

1. The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been completely extinguished.

10. Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband denies what he had previously described as positive aspects of the couple's joint history. Makes statements such as, “I/we were never happy.”

You need to prepare yourself. DONT do the humiliating “pick me dance.” You will hate yourself years from now if you do.

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

If your husband is miserable and can’t give you a definitive answer about your relationship, then he fucking leaves the house.

Get angry.

This is NOT you. It is ALL him.

Read runaway husbands and chump lady. everything you’ve described about your husband’s behaviour is explained on those websites.

I think arguing about his statements of being miserable is a waste of time. The man is saying how he feels, so listen, don’t argue against how he feels.

I only get a sense of you as “a wife” , you’ve commented a couple of times about feeling you’ve failed “as a wife”. Who are you in all of this? You are not simply “a wife” and thr marriage has to serve you too. I’m not sure if I’m making sense ever but it feels like you - YOU - are lost in this set up.

I agree with your sister and with posters in here auggesting you reel back on the apologising. You’ve done that, but it’s not going ti solve it. He’s not mad and looking for an apology. He’s saying he is unhappy and he’s not prepared to pretend otherwise.

I’m so sorry you’re having this terrible time. It sounds like you’ve been really emotionally distraught for some time with the pnd and the compulsive cleaning, house move anxiety…
What age is your son now?

@AB10 what do you do on the evening when you have put your little boy to sleep ,do you spend time together chatting or watching a film

1. This isn't your fault
2. Stop fawning over him
3. Give him an ultimatum. Either commit and here's our plan to get hack on track OR he leaves - let's see how happy that makes him.

You have to act like you don't care even if toi do

He has really done a number on you, eh? Everything's your fault. How he feels is your fault. You do everything for him but it's not enough. He needs more. He can't give you 100% but wants everything from you. You put on a happy face all the time. You try so hard to meet his needs and never let him down. He does whatever he wants. He lets you down. He doesn't care. He threatens to leave. He hints that he's more interested in others. He blames you for being upset. He tells you you're not normal.

And all the time, you're thinking, how do I make him feel better? How do I get him to like me more? How do I get back to how it used to be? How do I make him happy? How do I make this work?

What this is called, OP, is the process of emotional abuse and gaslighting.

Stop focusing on him. Let him go if he wants to go. Focus on yourself. What do you want from life? What kind of life do you want to make for yourself and your child? Is he going to fit in with that, or are you going to have to keep compromising on basic needs, such as love and support from your partner? You need to be able to trust your partner, and he's made it clear that you can't. That's not good enough. You deserve more.

Start getting your ducks in a row, OP.

I'm sorry, op, but there is another woman involved, I guarantee it

Sad to say, but all the signs are there. In neon.

Sorry everyone, I feel like I’m burdening you all here. I just feel I’ve failed as a wife!

You are not burdening anyone. There's a wealth of experience here for you to draw on. (I'm not counting myself - I just mean the joint experience of all of us, especially those of us who have been through this).

You are not failing as a wife. Your husband is failing as a husband.
It may take some time to convince you of this, but mumsnet is a safe place for you to work it out for yourself.

I would ask him for space, him to move out while you decide if you are a 100% committed !! Cold sharp shock is the only thing I can see salvaging your marriage here I'm afraid

This is a really, really, very difficult thing to do. But I know for a fact it has a high success rate. You have to hold your nerve, for a cold sharp shock.

Good advice though.

@AB10

And to top it all off - we’ve just bought/ moved to a new house. I tried to explain that it is a stressful time but he said because I struggled with the change in moving houses (cried the first night and was upset at the work needing done) that that was the final straw. I quickly pulled myself together and have been since trying to make it a nice home for us all. He said we should have been having drinks and celebrating the first night like normal couples. I tried to explain that many people may find moving house challenging. I have apologised for it but he says that he resents me because of how I acted.

So you're not allowed to be human and have worries? If he wanted to celebrate he could have done that the second night. He wants to keep you on the back foot for some reason. He's not trying to fix things or leave, he's making you wait for crumbs of affection. Don't do the pick me dance, trust me, it'll destroy your self worth. Ask him to go to counseling with you, if he's not willing to do that and work on fixing things you'll know he just wants to blame and belittle you.

Stbxh spouted this crap at one stage, all the our marriage/life has been bad for years. I flat out told him, meant it, if it had been that bad for that long we should split. He backed down really quickly.

Goodness OP. It takes two to tango, if there is fault here it is not all yours. Does he really have nothing to apologise for? Is there nothing he should be doing better? Don't seek all the fault with yourself, and do stop apologising.

Sorry to say it op, but I agree with the majority of posters here. There is another woman and he has met her at work.
It's all so predictable.
Would he really prefer it if you stopped doing the housework, left him to do all the washing and ironing. Left the housework so he came home to a dirty, untidy house and he did it all.
Would that make him deliriously happy beyond belief?
No, there is someone else.

Things have taken a turn for the worse. He said that he was going to a match tomorrow night with ones from work, I said that my mum had offered to babysit so maybe I could come too. Mutually enjoyed sport. His face fell and he said I’d have to buy a ticket. This was untrue as there are two extra tickets (he was trying to pass them off to friend before) I reminded him of this and he just said that he doesn’t like spending time with me. He is going to the match with two other boys and one girl from word. This then led to he has had doubts our whole relationship, he now despises me. And he has packed a suitcase and left.
Totally and utterly bereft.

@AB10

Things have taken a turn for the worse. He said that he was going to a match tomorrow night with ones from work, I said that my mum had offered to babysit so maybe I could come too. Mutually enjoyed sport. His face fell and he said I’d have to buy a ticket. This was untrue as there are two extra tickets (he was trying to pass them off to friend before) I reminded him of this and he just said that he doesn’t like spending time with me. He is going to the match with two other boys and one girl from word. This then led to he has had doubts our whole relationship, he now despises me. And he has packed a suitcase and left. Totally and utterly bereft.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry and I hope you're ok. Did he say he's just getting space or is this permanent? Do you have anyone who can spend the night with you tonight?

I’m going to call my mum. I was waiting to little boy was asleep before allowing myself to even comprehend what had just happened. Can I have been that bad our whole relationship? I thought we had a good life together.

OP I’m so sorry, I think that confirms it. Please make sure you get all your paperwork in order and speak to a solicitor pronto. He will likely now turn very nasty.

Please do take care of yourself and perhaps change the locks for peace of mind. I’d suggest not speaking to him for now even if he contacts you himself.
Lots of virtual hugs.

Hugs @AB10.
You poor, poor thing.

Get someone to support you - your mum or a friend.
I'm in tears thinking of your sadness.
You'll get through this.

Hugs

So you tried to go out and have fun with him after he complained you weren’t fun, and he flipped out?

Sorry to say Op but he has had his head turned one of the other attendees. Be glad the rubbish took itself out, time to get your ducks in a row

I’m so sorry. What an awful shock for you. Agree with PPs - he’s not your friend - you need to protect yourself from here on in as he’s showed his hand now and will likely start to make your life difficult.

Little word of advice. If he makes any financial offers at this point they’re likely to be more generous than later down the line due to guilt and just wanting an easy life, so get a solicitor lined up and get them involved early on. You can do this

My dear, I think you're looking at it wrong.

If you focus on trying to make him happy your emotions will be up and down and all over the place. One day he laughs and you will feel like a winner but the next if he's moody then you will feel like a failure.

You want to look him straight in the eye and say - I am sorry for my part in this but you are not blameless either! I am committed to working on our relationship and myself but there are things you need to work on too and then list 3 things and then WALK AWAY.

Then do that - focus on yourself! If he has complaints that you are irritable then think about why and how you could feel happier. Do things that make you happy. When you are happier within yourself then your marriage will be.

Sounds to me like he's over egging it for extra attention!