Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP,

Congratulations on getting out to that spin class!

Thanks everyone. I certainly haven’t felt strong. I feel so conscious of every decision I’ve ever made in my marriage and so blindsided but everything that has been said. Spin class was good and when I returned I did not engage with any talk.
I think I have to protect myself if nothing else.

Its not sad at all and there's probably a bit of you that's still hoping deep down that he will suddenly accept blame, be honest and say something different to what he's been saying this past few weeks and that's ok because your world has turned on its head the past few weeks. But he isn't going to.

Him saying he's had to put up with this all these years is just the start IMO of him getting angry because you aren't playing ball. You're supposed to have rolled over and given in by now. Next it will be that you drove him into an affair with another woman. Its easily done, heck I apparently drove my ex into multiple women's vaginas with my excessive and unrealistic expectations of marriage - you know like fidelity?.....

Be careful though please, as in my experience when you don't do what they want, these type of men get worse and the anger/accusations/threats/demands just get worse. Personally I would start telling people you've split up - just a simple "We aren't together any more" and leave it at that.

You don't have to let all of this happen to you, you can drive this in the way you want it to go. It isn't solely up to him.

And the fact that he will get nasty once he knows you're not playing ball is precisely why you need legal advice and to protect yourself as much as you can at this point

You don't need to cover for him, op. He doesn't get to make the rules

Having a hard day today. Very teary. Suppose this is to be what’s expected with such a sudden shock. Just feel like someone I thought was my best friend could be someone I don’t recognise.

It really is a form of grief

Agree with @fedup078 that it is a form of grief, one I remember decades later. If anyone you have confided in is supportive, I hope you will lean on them. Or maybe you can reach out to someone else, or a counsellor? Please also remember to act in your own best interests with mutual friends and even the friends of your H - if you aren't ready to say anything, fine. But when you are, there is no reason to stick with his timetable or version of events. Be true to yourself.

I also remember that the waves of grief do lessen over time and that acting for yourself (e.g. the spin class, reaching out for support, carving out time for your own interests or even to discover what they are) helps immensely. And we're here for you.

@Ab10

You are doing amazingly. It is early days. You will have some days that are just awful. But it will get easier in time.

@AB10

Having a hard day today. Very teary. Suppose this is to be what’s expected with such a sudden shock. Just feel like someone I thought was my best friend could be someone I don’t recognise.

It's understandable. Now, several years later I see my ex as two entirely separate people. The one I married with whom I had fun and who was kind and the one I divorced who was a cruel stranger. Much of my marriage was good and I look back on it fondly- you haven't lost those years, it isn't meaningless. It does all unfortunately take a long time to heal.

It is to be expected, it doesn't make it any easier though.

You're probably over the very, very worst of it now.

I hope I never read about how you decided to give him another chance.

Have you thought about legal proceedings yet?

Oh OP. I never comment on these threads, but I had to come on and say I wish you could look at yourself and see what we see! A strong woman, with integrity, who has clearly gone through life doing the right thing, being a good person and treating people well. An amazing mother.

You're getting great advice here. I can't add anything other then to say when you are ready, please tell people. PP is right, he is still hoping this will be swept under the carpet. He still has an element of control and a chance to manipulate while it's a grubby secret.

There is nothing to be ashamed of. If you're worried he will bad mouth you 'she drove me to it' don't forget these people know you too. If they have half a brain they will know the truth - you are brilliant and he is an idiot.

for you

I'd say when others try to engage you in conversation about it, especially if they're trying to persuade you to go back, be polite about him, speak in a reasonable tone of voice, use reasonable terms. Nothing vengeful or hypercritical.

If he starts going down the 'she drove me to it' route, remember:

He had free will, a conscience and the power of choice.

And none of them told him 'don't cheat.'

Nobody forced him to break his marriage vows.

He chose to be unfaithful.

He chose to despise you and your relationship.

He chose to abandon you and your child.

He's a grown man who is learning that consequences have actions.

The more reasonable you can be the more unreasonable he shows himself to be.

Of course I meant actions have consequences!

Still thinking of you. Stay strong Hun.

Keep him at distance so you can breathe and get your ducks in a row. His contact with your Son should preferably take place outside of your home without you being present. Try not to over engage with him when you do see him, other than discussions re. your Son.
🌺

And prepare to tell him that you are now separated!

He has broken up 2 families with 2 sets of small children. He deserves everything he gets now. Stop letting him trample all over your heart. He is not the man you thought he was. You are treating h as if he is still the person you fell on love with and who had your back. He is in love with her now. The only reason he is possibly wanting to come back is that she is not committed to him. See a solicitor. You really don't want the heartache of living with a person who no longer loved you. He is probably hoping you will beg him to stay. Don't lower yourself. Put all your energy into your son and making a life for you both alone. You have a caring Mum so let her help you get through this nightmare.

Hi everyone. I hope you all had a good New Year and January has started well.
I am now coming back from my spin class. Husband is supposed to leave at half seven - I am waiting inside drive so to avoid. I know outside contact is best and I hope to get that organised. I just don’t want to confuse my little boy further I am trying my utmost to disengage with him. He is still refusing to admit they did anything beyond kissing even though everything points to the contrary. TBH at this point it’s not even the sex, it’s the dishonesty which is the hardest part.
I find it so so hard to reconcile a man walking out on his wife and child a week before Christmas and now he thinks we can make it work? I have stopped trying to make sense of it. It is complete and utter selfishness on his part and how can you compete with that?
Best wishes to you all.

Good for you @AB10 it sounds like you are getting into a good place with contact and not trying to tie yourself up in knots over his actions. I hope your DC is adjusting well to the changes.

Well done OP.

He showed you who he was and just because he wants to backtrack his position because his bit on the side hasn't worked out, does not mean he can carry on like this was a blip.

There are consequences to telling your wife you despise her, despite what he may think.

Some things cannot be unsaid.

Stay strong.
You have a better future ahead of you.

@AB10
Well done to stay outside in the car.
Love that you’re still going to spin class, still at work, etc through all this.
You’ll be fine in the long run. And you will get there.
You cannot compete with that, and you don’t have to.
Keep your head up and stay strong x

You’re doing amazing okay. I know it might not feel like it, but you are.

Ive spent the best part of this evening reading through this thread, what a strong woman you are, I really mean that OP, you are taking charge now, not that disgrace on two legs. I hope the coming days and weeks build up your strength to deal with this.

There are many encouraging posts and truly inspirational stories and advice on here that I have read. We are all strong together ❤

You’re doing great, OP. Stay strong. Keep your boundaries firmly in place. I hope you’re feeling okay.