Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

He's gaslighting you to assuage his own guilt. Everything is your fault, you're the reason he's fallen out of love, the swallow doesn't equal a flock shit, blah, blah, blah. Turf him out, you'll be doing him a favour since he's so unhappy, correct?

He's an arse.

Stop apologising and begging at his heels and let him see what he's missing.

You have not failed as a wife.

Decent husbands don’t expect their wives to provide huge amounts of fun and bubbles all the time especially when you have a small child, house move, ill relatives on your plate. Decent husbands support their wives at these times.

He is turning this onto you, to make himself feel less guilty and to give himself an excuse to check out.

It is not even slightly your fault.

He told you he's not in love with
Re writing history (you've never had fun)
Checked out of the marriage
Pulling away
Going out more

Errrr sounds like there's a third person in your marriage.

It's not you!

@Aquamarine1029

I'm sorry, op, but there is another woman involved, I guarantee it.

Must admit, my first thought too. Sorry OP. Not very original is it.

@Aquamarine1029

I'm sorry, op, but there is another woman involved, I guarantee it.

This (unfortunately). He is re-writing history, can't commit, it's all op's fault apparently and he's been going out with a new 'group' at work who 'find him funny'.

What an arsehole he truly is.

100% There’s a woman at work who finds him hilarious. I’m sorry. It’s so predictable.

⬆️This!

Has he tried to make life fun? Cooked dinner, taken you out, arranged babysitters, had people round? Was effort has he put in?

The re-writing of history is the cruellest thing.

I remember my ex husband of 34 years together saying things that annihilated all those years together, basically in 2 sentences.

I don't know why they do it. Pretty sure they don't know why they do it either.

What's your action plan OP?

Sorry I don't actually think it's that helpful to post and write off what he is saying as untrue.

Only you know if what he is saying is true not random strangers on the Internet. I was in a similar situation a number of years ago with my husband. What I realised is my DH had been trying to reconnect for a long time and I didn't see it and focused on the stress of family, day to day life and really did stop being happy. Then he stopped trying and I noticed it. I also suffered from anxiety and to be honest I was pretty draining to be around and when my DH said nothing he did was good enough he was right. Not because of him but because of me and how I felt about life. That doesn't mean there wasn't blame on his side but he had explained how he felt for a long time that I ignored and brushed off.

Is there someone else. There could be. Or you could be like thousands of couples who's relationship has just stagnated under the stress of life.

It isn't just up to you to fix your marriage though. So I would stop apologising and ask to go to counselling. Even if your marriage is over it will help to come to terms with it.

If he won't go, go yourself.

You are not burdening anyone, you need to talk. You’ve not failed.
Don’t be left dangling. He needs to either commit to your marriage or leave.
Can someone babysit and you talk. Do tell people in real life for support. Make sure you have financial documents and passports etc.
Don’t feel you have to play happy families.
Positives - you have a lovely child, a full time job. You will be ok.

Is he making an effort to try and make things more fun? Is he trying to organise days out, fun things to do together at home just the two of you and together with your child? Its hard juggling life, a baby, housework, work and family so you have not failed as a wife

He’s deluded about how life is both working ft with a baby. Life’s not Instagram. Your reaction of being tired and tearful moving home is normal. It’s emotional leaving old home plus you are looking around thinking about everything to be done.
How is his parenting? 50/50 or is it you doing work and him few fun bits.
Shitty to move and not say something before - assume you’ve increased mortgage etc.

You have not failed as a wife and you are not a burden to anyone. He seems to have really knocked your self-esteem. What is he doing to help any of this? In what ways does he try to make YOU feel good?

All of this seems very one-sided. It's a partnership and requires two people to be engaged to work well. Life doesn't always work out that way, but he's putting all of the blame onto you. If he won't meet you in the middle to fix it then he's making a decision to end it, and that will NOT be your fault.

Firstly you have not failed as a wife. Why are you dating this? Maybe he has failed as a husband? He is pushing the blame on to you. I moved house this year in the middle of an anxiety break down. My husband has been nothing but supportive- we didn't have people over for drinks so I guess I'm not normal either. Your husband is an idiot. I think he's met someone in work too who thinks he's so hallarious. Maybe not so hallarious when she's picking his dirty pants up off the floor.

Yes I think there’s another woman who finds him hilarious too 🙄

Look up The Script that adulterers use, he’s following it to the letter. Vile man.

When you say that you've "always loved him", what do you mean? What does love mean to you? It seems like you feel that way, but it's not getting across to him.

As someone else said there will be some girl at work finding him oh so hilarious, guaranteed. Dickhead. Stop apologising, this isn’t you.

@Maybe83
Exactly what I went through.
Dh was trying to reconnect and I was so busy / stressed etc I didn't see it.

I suppose I mean that I am committed to him, think of him, do all his washing/ ironing. Support him in his career and arrange things for us to as a family. I probably should say that since having a baby we have become less like passionate centred with each but I am devoted to him as I thought he was to me. He used to be. I would have said previously that he was solid, dependable.
His parents are both heavy church goers and they are now incapacitated and I feel that he thinks it may be easier to leave now because of this.

I’d be pretty upset if we moved into a new house and my partner started crying the first night. Didn’t you want to move? Did you have financial problems and have to downsize? If we were moving to a house the same or better than the previous one, then I’d be pretty pissed off too, if you were crying and not celebrating. Maybe he finds you emotionally exhausting. If so, perhaps consider engaging with a therapist rather than expecting him to absorb these sorts of negative emotions. I can completely see how that would be exhausting and frustrating for anyone!

But I agree with others - it’s likely he has an eye on pastures new.

It's very common to go through a bad patch in your relationship after having a baby (especially your first as it's such a life-changing event). It sounds as if your experience has been especially rough, suffering from PND and moving house.

My DH admitted to me several years later that he found the first months after DD was born difficult, everything was focused on her, I was doing a degree so getting stressed, etc. Then a woman at work took an interest in him...luckily, my antenna for troublemakers are pretty good so I soon saw her off!

I suppose what I'm saying is that once you've adjusted to parenthood, you sometimes need to make a fresh start as a couple. We did when DD was a year to 18 months olf. We were used to parenting then, felt more comfortable leaving her with a babysitter for a couple of hours so we could go out, etc. We needed to start having fun again. When DS was born, we knew what we were doing, so the transition was easier.

Talk further with your DH and find out what you can both do to bring the spark back. He may need to do more around the house; you may need to be more open to going out and having fun. Find a solution together.

OP you've mentioned a few times about you cleaning a lot and being pernickety, and crying when you moved house instead of celebrating.

My ex ended up like this. Always concerned about the house being clean and tidy. I couldn't relax because he was always following me round tidying after me and going on and on about keeping things clean. Any occasion that should have been fun, he found a reason to moan about it. He became so draining to be around. He just sucked the joy out of everything, to the point where I dreaded being around him.

I think PPs are being very quick jumping to an affair, but perhaps it's as simple as he's drained by you?