Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I haven't read all of the thread but I have read all of your posts @AB10.

I think you have been quite hard on yourself. Yes, there have been times when you have been tricky to live with. So what? That's life. If he was finding things difficult, he had the responsibility to communicate this with you far, far earlier than he has done. In fact, he has let it go so far that he hasn't given you a chance to work on things with him. By not communicating with you, he has taken that chance away from you. He has chosen to check out of the marriage without teing you before it is too late.

I bet the woman from work is younger, carefree and finds him oh so funny. It might not be an actual affair and it might be all in his head. But he has checked out. I'm so, so sorry.

Tell your mum. Tell your closest friends. Circle your wagons of support. Tomorrow, don't go to work if you are due in. But keep your ds's routine as normal as possible.

Carve out some time to go through all paperwork in the house. All the financials. Photocopy or take photos of everything and save on your phone. If you have money in a joint account, transfer half of it into your own account now.

Aman who can do this to his wife and child at this time of year is really not worth having. I know you are devastated right now. But he truly isn't worth too many tears.

OMG that's so awful. What a horrible, horrible man.

I know you are devastated right now but I hope you can find your anger. This is not your fault. You didn't cause this and you don't deserve it.

Call someone who loves you, get some support. You'll get through this xx

@AB10

Sorry everyone, I feel like I’m burdening you all here. I just feel I’ve failed as a wife!

It takes two.

Stop blaming yourself and running after him and look objectively at what he's doing.

How involved is he with your marriage and your DC?

@AB10

Things have taken a turn for the worse. He said that he was going to a match tomorrow night with ones from work, I said that my mum had offered to babysit so maybe I could come too. Mutually enjoyed sport. His face fell and he said I’d have to buy a ticket. This was untrue as there are two extra tickets (he was trying to pass them off to friend before) I reminded him of this and he just said that he doesn’t like spending time with me. He is going to the match with two other boys and one girl from word. This then led to he has had doubts our whole relationship, he now despises me. And he has packed a suitcase and left. Totally and utterly bereft.

What he means is, that he wants to spend time with this other woman from work.

Whether it's one-sided and she knows nothing, whether it's an emotional affair or a full-blown one he's checked out.

I'm really sorry. And the fact that he's got somewhere to go also speaks volumes.

I suppose there was no checking in on your DC first?

*What he means is, that he wants to spend time with this other woman from work.

Whether it's one-sided and she knows nothing, whether it's an emotional affair or a full-blown one he's checked out.*

@Nanny0gg Spot on !

How are you going to play it op?
This is where you stand, he's wanting his freedom, whether he wants her, time will tell.

Is he edging his bets, or has he come to his decision.

My advice at this point would be to act swiftly, all documents together, phone solicitor and get free half hour advice, asap.

You need support, please make sure you eat and sleep.
Text him to ask if he will be taking your child for x ammount of days per week.
He needs to remember he is stil a parent with responsibilities.

The callous way he has behaved I think I would file for divorce, remember you can stop the process whenever you want, but he needs a big jolt to bring him back to reality.

Fucking Christmas, the selfish bastard.

for you.

It’s not you it’s him OP. Please tell your mum/friend.
He’s a shit husband and a shit dad just walking out on his little boy.
Don’t take what he says to heart. If it was a simple as him wanting to do more fun things then your suggestion to go to sport match together would have been perfect. He’s either already having an affair or trying to with the ‘girl’ he mentioned from work I’d bet money on it.
Look out for yourself. Make sure you have access to money and financial documents.

@AB10

Things have taken a turn for the worse. He said that he was going to a match tomorrow night with ones from work, I said that my mum had offered to babysit so maybe I could come too. Mutually enjoyed sport. His face fell and he said I’d have to buy a ticket. This was untrue as there are two extra tickets (he was trying to pass them off to friend before) I reminded him of this and he just said that he doesn’t like spending time with me. He is going to the match with two other boys and one girl from word. This then led to he has had doubts our whole relationship, he now despises me. And he has packed a suitcase and left. Totally and utterly bereft.

This doesn't make sense.

I would question this -he must be having an affair or an emotional one.

He wants you to do fun stuff with him and you organise it and he packs a suitcase and left -to go where?

Trust your gut -this is gaslighting now.

Who's the other woman at the football match? Someone new in the scene?

My DH said the same to me. Turns out he was getting extra "attention" from a colleague.

Jesus, they are just so depressingly predictable.

Also had the same, a decade ago. Still can't process how awful xh was at the time, it was unexpected and deeply unnecessary and cruel. I think it has to be a weird reaction motivated by guilt - they know at some level that what they're doing is incredibly shitty so need a narrative which justifies it.

I got a shit hot lawyer and settled well. At 44 I'm mortgage free (he doesn't know that and pays me a load of maintenance) with my own decent career.

Take copies of paperwork, bank statements and rally your team. He's not on your team anymore, I'm afraid. What an utter shit he is.

Op, you've done nothing wrong at all. He is taking you for a mug. All that shit he has spouted about you, is to make it your fault that he's cheating on you. I'm so sorry.

My mum has just left. She is just totally shocked, as am I.
To continue the mind games, he sent me a text saying sorry and that I’m a great person and mum. Just think he is so cruel.
To walk out on your family, to plan a night at the rugby when your marriage is crumbling and your wife was desperately holding. He packed the suitcase whilst our son was still awake so of course I couldn’t really run after him as I was trying to ensure that our darling son didn’t see said big suitcase. Then I went to the door as he was going just to say is this really it and he again repeated that he can’t stand my company, that he has had doubts our whole relationship. This is the same man who proposed to me when I left to do a postgrad for year abroad.
Thanks for your support. It really does mean a lot.

Well he’s an utter bastard!
Hope you get some real life support OP.

I'm so sorry OP. Please stay strong

OP I'm so sorry. Sounds horrendous. What a shock for you. It's so painful. Please take care of yourself right now. Rest, drink water, eat a bit of you can. Ask your mum or a friend to be there for you. You're probably shocked and you may feel a lot worse yet but you will get through this.

@AB10

My mum has just left. She is just totally shocked, as am I. To continue the mind games, he sent me a text saying sorry and that I’m a great person and mum. Just think he is so cruel. To walk out on your family, to plan a night at the rugby when your marriage is crumbling and your wife was desperately holding. He packed the suitcase whilst our son was still awake so of course I couldn’t really run after him as I was trying to ensure that our darling son didn’t see said big suitcase. Then I went to the door as he was going just to say is this really it and he again repeated that he can’t stand my company, that he has had doubts our whole relationship. This is the same man who proposed to me when I left to do a postgrad for year abroad. Thanks for your support. It really does mean a lot.

That's horrible, I'm so sorry. This whole incident with the rugby has proved that it's not you, he had checked out a long time ago and totally failed your little family. The fact that this has happened in response to you making an effort just shows you that it is him not you. He didn't want you to try to be more of what he wanted, he wanted to assuage his guilt.

Your mom has just left.

Have you anyone who can come and stay with you, help you, keep an eye on you, make sure you eat etc.

You need help with the little one.
You must be in shock.
x

What a cruel cunt

I’m so sorry OP

Hi love, just my opinion as a oldie on here, mid sixties, I think you are being to hard on yourself you shouldn’t be apologising! Reading between the lines it seems you are blaming yourself, as you saying you feel you have failed as a wife! ( you haven’t!} it all seems to be coming back to you, he blames you for things , you blame you, generally when a man puts all the fault on the wife it’s because they are guilty . I have a horrible feeling he’s up to something! I definately think there’s a woman involved here, you deserve sooo much more,

So sorry x

If you have a joint bank account move half into one in just your name.

Keep the keys in the lock when you are at home so he can't just walk in on you.

Unfortunately you don't have time to be devastated. He's already ten steps ahead of you. Detach and act strategically or else you and your son will get shafted.

He's no longer the man you know, treat him like the stranger he is.

You can do it for your son, you are a mama bear. Go into attack mode.

I'm sorry. But be strong.

Takes two to fail
A marriage. He’s had his head turned

I'm sad to say I knew what your update would be before I got to the end of your posts. I've lived this life - please don't blame yourself, this man is not worthy of your love.

Take him at his word, he's left - well then he doesn't get to come back. Please do think about some counselling for yourself because I read your posts and thought this person is like me 3.5 years ago, her confidence is battered and her self esteem is low. You're looking for all the reasons why you've "driven" him to be unhappy. The truth is he's had his head turned, he's rewritten history to suit his narrative, and he's made the conscious decision to get involved with someone else and to leave his wife and child.

Please DONT do the pick me dance - I did for a bit after my exes first affair and I literally humiliated myself - then he did it again. Be strong - this man is showing you who he is now.

My guess is he had a longer term plan to back away after Christmas because he's not a dick - yeah right. But you called him out on it too soon.

You haven't done anything wrong OP. I looks like someone else has been playing the cool OW game and you didn't even know there was another player. Even if you wanted to you couldn't compete with that.