Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Well done op you're being so strong and dignified.

How are you, OP?

Hi!
I’m okay, thank you for asking. I hope you are too.
Still muddling through and grieving the loss of my family but I’m getting through and that’s the main thing.
Husband is distraught at the thought of a divorce. Cue calls from work in tears and asking if we can try again as he really things we could be happy together once more?
I am still hurt, confused, angry… I feel like he has already made the decision that a divorce is the only option yet why now is he not wanting it?!

Cause it would now be on your terms not his which doesn’t fit the narrative of him being the poor, long suffering husband. Don’t let him suck you back in. You know now he will dump you and your DS in a heartbeat when it suits him. And that you can be happier with out that prospect hanging over you, walking on eggshells to protect his ego!

You are a month in now op, you know you can do this. Keep going! A brighter future awaits

Also what does he mean once more? According to him he was never happy. So was he lying then or now?

Yes, I know it is truely so difficult to decipher and make sense of anything that he did. Hence why I am now starting to realise that I may never make sense of it. 💔
He says he wants to make our marriage work. That he knows he doesn’t deserve it but that he doesn’t want a divorce. He wants us to be happy together in a loving marriage and all the while I am just thinking, sorry what?!

WoW - what a 🤯 Presumably he’s still bombarding you with calls etc and you don’t get any peace to try and get yourself ’together’ and able to just focus on you….He’s bleating on about ’happy together in a loving marriage’ ….wasn’t that what you thought you had til he cheated etc etc. You really need to block him, just email re contact for your dc, but leave you in peace. Trust broken like yours was is not going to be regained after a month or two. Or even a year or two. You really do deserve SO much better than this specimen.

Op this is awful. So sorry for you. Hard when trust is gone. Not sure could I forgive that.

OP it must be very tempting to try again, seeing all his begging and pleading and promising that things will be great again.

Ask 99% of women here who've been cheated on, and they'll tell you that behaviour will last about 5 minutes. As soon as he's confident you're back where you belong, he will revert to type - and you'll never be able to mention it again.

Seriously -
I really don't think there is any need for you to be "confused".

You are a grown adult, you know what he said to you, he knows what he said to you.

He is a liar, he wants back into a cosy nest with his feet under the table, like nothing ever happened.
For now.
He'd probably like to have you pregnant in 2022 - just for some insurance.

But - he will leave you again at a later date when a new, interesting pair of knickers come along.
You need to divorce him.

He wants us to be happy together in a loving marriage

With someone he despises, and was never happy with?! (And cheated on).

So he's either got standards so low he'll settle with someone he despises and was never happy with ....

Or he is capable of convincing himself and telling his wife that he despises her and was never happy with her ... because he's chosen to have an affair with a foolish, risk taking female work colleague. And thought ot was all love in a bucket til she wouldnt leave her spouse too.

Neither are solid situations for you.

(She was foolish and risk taking because because apparently didn't want to leave her husband, and got dumped rather than the reverse when discovered).

Yoir dh's problem is that he's feeling.consequences for his actions, you're not acting like a puppet for him (as he apparently thinks you are) and the poor dear wants things back under hos control, cosy, settled abd for him tk choose to throw away again ... not you, you're not allowed that choice because he runs the show.

No doubt the suicide threats, mental health crisis etc will come soon.

If that doesbt work, he'll move onto a not woman sooner or later. Who won't be told why his marriage really broke down.

OP. you will need to start a new thread if you feel you would benefit from ongoing advice.

Hi. Thanks. I’m not sure how to start a new thread, but I’m sure I can figure it out.
I really appreciate all your advice and support. I’m sad that there are those who you who have had to experience this but I thank you for sharing your stories. ❤️

Op. He said he despised you and was never happy. He said that when he thought OW was a sure thing.

He's a spineless piece of shit and any time you feel yourself getting sucked in, read my first sentence again. Can you honestly say you'd ever be able to forget that he said that? Would it not always be there as THAT memory that will never be erased? I had a moment like that and try as I might I couldn't ever get past it.

I mean obviously you need to do what's right for you but I know from experience that certain words, once uttered, do as much damage as physical infidelity.

I’m not sure how to start a new thread, but I’m sure I can figure it out

Click on "Relationships" (if that's where you want it) ans scroll down past all the thread titles
Right at the bottom is a blue toolbar, and immediately above that is "Start a new thread"

@AB10

Yes, I know it is truely so difficult to decipher and make sense of anything that he did. Hence why I am now starting to realise that I may never make sense of it. 💔 He says he wants to make our marriage work. That he knows he doesn’t deserve it but that he doesn’t want a divorce. He wants us to be happy together in a loving marriage and all the while I am just thinking, sorry what?!

The time for committing to making your marriage work was before embarking on an affair, before saying unforgiveable things to his wife, and before walking out on his wife and child. Not once he realised the other woman didn't want him. How can you be happy and have a loving marriage knowing you're his plan B?

He has bulldozed not one but two marriages and families.

He is probably currently an unwelcome guest in his parents' home, realising now it's gone that the comfortable home, with all the wife-work done for him, plus access to DC had its attractions after all.

When he had it he didn't appreciate it. Looked outside for excitement.

He's now attempting the love bombing scene from The Script.

I'd bet he has 'get you pregnant again' on his to do list.

But he couldn't cope then with the effects that pregnancy and the reality of one young baby inevitably has - especially the one where he was no longer the focus of your attention.

If he gets what he wants the relief will soon wear off - and the whole cycle will lurch back into action again.

I do hope you can stay strong and have the support you'll need.

Thanks everyone. I admire all your steadfast support. I know everything you say is true: he was so unbelievably cruel, deceitful, manipulative and selfish. I know all this and have the words and action to prove it. I know also this means that he can’t be trusted.
But I am struggling to reconcile this horrible prison with the person I married. Can someone change and three change back? Of course they can’t! So what does that mean… He is a liar through and through?

He is who he always was.

The mask slipped and you saw what is underneath.

My mother 'forgave' (she never really did) my father for doing the same as your husband numerous times during the 23 years they were married. In the end he left her for OW.

As children, as a family, we would have been far better off if she had got rid of him the very first time he cheated. As I posted earlier in this thread, for myself I could never forget that he said he 'despised' me.

@AB10

Thanks everyone. I admire all your steadfast support. I know everything you say is true: he was so unbelievably cruel, deceitful, manipulative and selfish. I know all this and have the words and action to prove it. I know also this means that he can’t be trusted. But I am struggling to reconcile this horrible prison with the person I married. Can someone change and three change back? Of course they can’t! So what does that mean… He is a liar through and through?

Can he change and then change back? No. If he comes back, he won't have learned his lesson sadly, he will have learned exactly what he can get away with. Maybe it's not who he was before, but it's who he is now. I feel for you OP, 💐

You are struggling to try and reconcile the two contrasting sides of the man you married, and you will never understand because you yourself could never behave this way. Trying to understand is pointless. Understand WHY he said those things? To hurt you, wound you, crush you. What other reason could there be? To walk out in front of your and dc? Same reasons. It’s human nature to try and understand but how do you understand and reconcile the impossible? Don’t waste your time trying. This is who he is NOW, and that’s all you can work with. If you let him back with you, it won’t ever be the same as before. You will be on edge, waiting and wondering when he’ll do it again. You didn’t deserve what he did, the deliberate cruelty of his departure, none of it. You wouldn’t stay friends with someone who did this, and a friend didn’t promise to love honour etc. This is the biggest betrayal, cheating, lying and deliberate mental cruelty. A good solicitor is a better friend than this ‘husband’ will ever be.