Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

What has made you believe that you have the power to "make" someone be happy? You absolutely do not. Stop gaslighting yourself and get angry. This feckless bastard is rewriting history, trying to make you blame yourself, while he's swanning around watching you chase after him. Just stop it. Tell him to GTFO.

@AB10 my husband said a not too dissimilar thing to me not long ago. With a 9m old we haven't had much time together, we've had trouble getting her to bottle feed and our sex life is non-existent ATM. One minute all happy, the next he says 'we are basically housemates with a baby'. It really upsets me.
Not sure what he was expecting in the first year post-pregnancy, saturday piss-ups and sexy BF friendly lingerie?
Sending you hugs

Don’t forget covid impact too. Has he recently gone back to work in office after being at home?

So you do all the housework, ironing, cooking and work full time and he wonders why you dont find him funny anymore?

God his ego must be like brittle.

Strategically, you need to stop grovelling and stop saying things like “I’ll try to make you happy”. That level of spinelessness is not attractive.

If you are difficult to live with, not fun etc - you should just start working on yourself - for YOU. Get a fantastic counsellor, start going to pilates, tell him you’re going out on Saturday for a girls night and he’ll need to take care of baby.

Claim back yourself as a woman, with or without him. Hold your head up high.

Chances are he’ll stop taking you for granted naturally, and you will have maintained your dignity and self respect. And if he doesn’t turn around, then at least you’re in a much better position than you are in now.

When I find myself cleaning too much I remind myself that no man ever came home and made love to his wife because the kitchen floor was spotless!

Sorry I’m going to have to disagree with the majority here. It sounds like you focus a lot on being perfect, do you think that’s accurate? The constant cleaning, the unwillingness to go out when here is a child at home, the asking him if he loves you. The constant talk about failing as a wife.

I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself and him to be perfect and not actually just enjoying life. If you’re getting cranky about the house not being perfect, but are unable to just sit down with a takeaway and cuddle, that’s the issue. You’re killing off any relationship by focusing too much on being a perfect wife, when in reality you’d both be way happier with a so-so level of cleanliness and a bit of joy.

Do you have a lot of guilt from the PND? It sounds like it. It sounds like cleaning and being your idea of perfect is a form of control that calms you down, like an eating disorder. It also sounds like you goes out with friends and enjoys life but you are so focused on creating the perfect family unit that you won’t.

I think you probably need therapy to work through residual feelings. You definitely need couples counselling down the line but I’m not sure how helpful it would be now. Honestly I think you just need to prioritise enjoying life a little, relax, drink the need for perfection and intense talk about your commitment to each other.

He has compassion fatigue from being there for you. Your fussing and obsessiveness at home just pushes him away, while you hope you can bleach your way to a perfect marriage

@Aquamarine1029

The Script begins.

Couldn't agree more

@Flowers500 what a load of rubbish.
Most men will put up with almost anything in a marriage until another woman comes along.
Guarantee there's a woman somewhere!

@Aquamarine1029

The Script begins.

Yup the script.

He's shagging someone at work.

Leave him.

Thanks for all the different perspectives. Yes I fully grant that our marriage has difficulties both within and with family stresses etc.
I understand he may be drained with me but I’m just floored by the checking out mentality. We always have tea with my nan every Thursday night. I arrived first tonight, made excuses that H would be late etc, hoping he would turn up. He then texts an hour later saying he’s not coming because he can’t put on a happy face. He is so close to my family, closer than he is to his own so I am just left hanging.

You haven't let him down, it sounds as though he has let you down badly. He is a fair weather friend, and as soon as things started to get on top of you a little, and you have had a stressful time, he's backing off. You deserve someone with a backbone.

Yes of course I feel guilt from the PND. Perfectionism and PND don’t really make the best of friends. I have been to counselling and tried to get better for my family. I am not miserable 24/7 although I’m starting to question whether I am! We were at a Christmas events just last week as a family. He had asked if I wanted to go and stay in her at a forthcoming family wedding and this. He has been hot and cold for a while. Whereas at worst I am lukewarm constantly with flashes of hot which I know is awful but just being brutally honest.

Sorry that should be hotel.

@Abigail12345654321

I’d be pretty upset if we moved into a new house and my partner started crying the first night. Didn’t you want to move? Did you have financial problems and have to downsize? If we were moving to a house the same or better than the previous one, then I’d be pretty pissed off too, if you were crying and not celebrating. Maybe he finds you emotionally exhausting. If so, perhaps consider engaging with a therapist rather than expecting him to absorb these sorts of negative emotions. I can completely see how that would be exhausting and frustrating for anyone!

Get a grip PP she's got PND. She doesn't have to be his muse. Just his partner and she is not responsible for his entertainment. One night of anxiety after a house move is not an excuse for a massive tantrum or weeks of not communicating.

He is Negging you OP. He knows you are already vulnerable and how is any of what he's said supposed to change that.

He's managing your expectations so he can walk away guilt free - well I warned her!!

Honestly the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. I definitely advise some counselling for your self esteem and possibly a go at the freedom program to understand what healthy relationships look like.

Try and invest some time (and money) on yourself as well as doing nice things with the kids. Remind him who you are

You haven't failed as a wife, even if you do everything perfect it takes two people to be happy in a marriage and sometimes those two people can change and have different ideas. Sometimes one or both can get itchy feet and look at others. That doesn't mean you failed. Marriage isn't like we are fed it to be. It isn't happy ever afters for most people. It's hard work and not always salveagable.

Ask yourself why you're just entirely blaming yourself and not him. What's so great about him? Saying people at work think he's funny is cringey and I bet they don't.

I’m blaming myself because he says he’s so miserable so surely that is mostly if not even partly down to me. Funny thing is in the summer etc when he can play golf almost constantly, he can be very charming etc. Something has just changed. As said before, he is just drained by me but I’m just floored that his commitment isn’t stronger.

You remind me of myself when I was with my ex and depressed. I'm a single parent now and I've never been more peaceful or happy. When he was around I was anxious, uptight and forgot how to have fun. When he was at work I was a different person and realised that it was actually partly him causing me to be that way...

He’s the father of my child and we’ve been together for a long time. All of our adult lives and tragically I love him. Going to speak to my mum tonight to get some perspective. He was currently sat on the toilet there when I was in undressing LB for the bath!

I think you should think a bit less about whether he likes you, and more about whether you like him.

Thanks Stella although I fear that is how he feels about me! I’ve sucked all the fun away!

OP I feel sad reading your posts. I'm 5 months on from very similar conversations. I too was horrified to think of having been a miserable wife and upset to think I'd made my DH unhappy. I paused everything to work on my marriage and to show my husband how I wanted to reconnect with him. Turned out it was too late and a couple of months later I discovered he'd been having an affair with a colleague. Wasn't clear whether physical affair had started when we had the original conversations but has since become absolutely clear they were already emotionally close. Since we separated he's continued the relationship with her. In all our conversations about practicalities regarding the children, finances etc. It's as though she's there with him as I just don't recognise him in his attitude towards me.

Maybe your DH hasn't had his head turned and of course only you and he can decide what happens next but please bear in mind this is a surprise to you and he may have been thinking about things for much longer. I'd urge you look for someone you can trust outside your marriage to confide in: either a counsellor or a really sensible l, loyal and kind friend. Maybe you and your DH will find a way to reconnect through couples counselling or good conversation but please take care of yourself and don't take on all the responsibility for this.

@AB10

I don’t go out much because would rather be with my son. My husband never used to bother about going out much either. He says that he loves me as we’ve been together for so long but he’s not in love with me. Regarding affection, I said recently that we’d been affectionate and he said one swallow doesn’t make a flock. He’s using all these sayings while I’m just crumbling.

For both of you, get a babysitter and start scheduling date night! From what you describe it does sound like a bit of a drag.

Even date night at home can be fun, like getting takeaway, dressing up with full makeup & him making an effort with candles etc

Sounds like it all can be salvaged with a bit of effort on both sides. Hopefully he will make the effort as it's not just for you to solve!

Good luck OP!

"He’s the father of my child and we’ve been together for a long time.
All of our adult lives and tragically I love him".

This all smacks of the sunken costs fallacy and people get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs. There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

re your comment:-
"Going to speak to my mum tonight to get some perspective".

How helpful and or supportive do you think your mother would be here?.

@Newgirls

Has he tried to make life fun? Cooked dinner, taken you out, arranged babysitters, had people round? Was effort has he put in?

Exactly this! Ridiculous to put it all on you when you haven't flagged anything he's done to make things more fun

Op
Some of this may sound harsh.
Marriage isn’t an exam. You don’t do well or badly in it.
You can abuse someone, ignore someone, love someone, bore someone eyc.
On MN (for all the wisdom in here) sometimes it seems that no matter what, marriage vows should be upheld/honoured. Even if you are dog miserable.
Maybe your DH is miserable. Maybe you are miserable together.
I’d add that I agree with the majority thinking that, most men, so not necessarily your DH, will consider leaving if they have an apparently easier option- because having kids is tough.
Have you had treatment for the PND?
I’m not at all “blaming” you - just trying to re-shift your thoughts a bit..