Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Yes, I suppose that could be very true. I have been probably quite difficult to live with. Can be snappy, tired, irritable etc. But never more than that. I’ve still tried to do nice things for our family, arrange holidays, days out, buy presents, create a home together.
Regarding the house move, I struggled with the change. The previous house had been our first home and I underestimated the attachment I had to it.

Cherchez la femme who laughs at his jokes and who nods sympathetically when he says my wife doesn't get me. She'll be a newcomer to his office, I bet.

So sorry, OP. It sucks.

Regarding cleaning etc. I’ve always been a perfectionist. My husband made a loving joke on our wedding day that he loves the way I try to make everything perfect for him and us. I suppose this trait could have become too much.

Yes, he could be drained by me. It is possible and going forward I said I would try to make him happier. I have also felt negative things previously in our marriage but have never questioned my commitment.

He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy

He is rewriting history so he feels better about wanting out of this relationship. I would definitely say that when he is at work someone there is making him as special as he feels you used to make him.

I would suggest counselling now to see if there is a way through this together.

What does he do for you op? It’s easy to blame you. He could have arranged ‘fun’ or facilitated time for you so you could enjoy time together.
I’m sorry but more you are saying my guess is there’s a young woman at work laughing at his jokes and his head has been turned or already started an affair. Maybe it’s early days so keeping you dangling on and having his underwear washed and shirts ironed is convenient.
Look out for yourself and child. I’d say you can’t live like this pretending all ok it’s cruel to say this and not be committed to your marriage. Seriously think about asking him to leave this weekend.

I’d turn the have we ever been happy back on him. Why would he marry you or have a baby if he was never happy. Don’t be ridiculous. It’s offensive to you and child to re write history.

@AB10

Yes, he could be drained by me. It is possible and going forward I said I would try to make him happier. I have also felt negative things previously in our marriage but have never questioned my commitment.

When you said you'd try to make him happier, what was his reaction? Does he try to do fun/happy things with you too?

Ah, OP, this sounds very familiar to me, sadly. 'I've never really been happy', 'We never have any fun' - the complete re-writing of history. I also got, 'I'm sick of you being ill all the time' (endometriosis and a hysterectomy). But the one phrase you listed 'I love you but I'm not in love with you', I remember that one in particular very clearly. The truth was, he was having a fling with a work colleague. This may not be the case with your husband, but it really is a script that they follow. Whatever it is, please don't think the fault lies solely with you. It doesn't. My life is much, much better without my ex in it. for you.

@Arren12

You are not in charge of someone else's happiness. What is HE doing about the fun/intimacy issue?

This is all you need to know.

It sounds like he's realised being a parent is bloody hard work and has decided to act single again and make you miserable while he does it so you feel guilty and blame yourself. He's a knob.

Sorry, too annoyed for punctuation.

Even if he found your tidying and homemaking over top he should have spoken to you, arranged dates away from home etc. Instead he’s gone drinking with other people leaving you to housework and baby care.
How is split of household chores. It’s easy to complain wife always cleaning if she does it all and him zero.

I suppose this trait could have become too much.

I presume he has a tongue in his head? If specific things were getting too much why hasnt he said anything?

You are running through everything in your head trying to find what you have done wrong. Is he perfect? Do you think he is sitting worrying about what he has done wrong? No of course he isnt, he has put all the blame on you. This way if he does leave he can make it your fault.

Perhaps he rather likes the bachelor lifestyle, going out with friends from work, giving his wife at home no thought. Telling you he isnt committed any more means that he can have you at home, for use, keeping the house clean, looking after your son. He can then go out for fun.

He may have had is head turned, not necessarily started an affair (so he can deny there is anyone else with a clear conscience). That doesnt mean he hasnt started sniffing around someone else.

I think have a “let him go” attitude- start living life as you would without him there and make yourself happy. He’ll either be drawn back to you or he’ll be free to fuck off.

If he’s feeling like this, any “trying” is just going to feel un-natural and pressuring on both sides. You can’t make someone want you by asking them to want you.

I think you need to play some Tina Turner and dance to it. Stop grovelling and apologising. He wants fun instead of the hard work that is parenthood. You're the grown up. Respect yourself.

Then sit down a make a plan for how you'll manage a household on your own. He can stay or he can go, but he can't do this dragging half-out mooning around shit.

Good luck

@Dixiechickonhols

Even if he found your tidying and homemaking over top he should have spoken to you, arranged dates away from home etc. Instead he’s gone drinking with other people leaving you to housework and baby care. How is split of household chores. It’s easy to complain wife always cleaning if she does it all and him zero.

Sorry, yes you're right. It was me who suggested it might be draining, but I didn't mean it that it was all OP's fault. In my own situation, I tried numerous times to engage my ex in fun joint activities, nice things, relaxing together - but he only wanted to moan on about things or clean the house.

Apologies, OP, if it looked like I was blaming you. Of course your husband should take some responsibility and hand talked to you much much earlier than this if it was bothering him that much.

Dont, whatever you do, think that bringing a second child into this situation will improve things. Absolutely guaranteed it wont. A colleague of mine described the subsequent breakdown of marriages after the arrival of the second child as second baby syndrome. Always triggered by his affair.

The whole I can't 100% commits smacks of I have met someone else, my head has been turned but I'm not a 100% sure she is waiting in the wings for me so until I am will keep one foot in the door with you.
You meanwhile will tie yourself in knots trying to make things "better" while he goes off you more and more as there is no bigger turn off than desperation
I would ask him for space, him to move out while you decide if you are a 100% committed !! Cold sharp shock is the only thing I can see salvaging your marriage here I'm afraid

at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out

Looks like there's an Other Woman, or he has one lined up.
Sorry, OP.

[HUG]

AB10, you say you have failed as a wife maybe the issue is he has failed as a Husband. Why do feel the need to carry all the blame.

Cherchez La femme - sorry, OP

The loss of sense of humour between a couple is very common when you are telling and trying to find your feet again after a child. I would say that me and dh 's relationship was mostly built on how we laughed together all the time. We also went through a patch (about 3 years) where that kind of went out of the window a bit and we were just surviving. Certainly I was only just mentally surviving, not because I was the lesser partner but because the impact of what we were going through (2 kids +a big project) hit me hardest. It was a testing time but with will and effort on both sides and nobody pointing the finger of blame (it was joint life events that caused it even though the 'symptoms' manifested most strongly through me), we came through. Because if you identify the cause instead of focussing on the symptoms you can fix it if there is still a will to.
If your traits are looming too large because they've tipped over from useful into unhelpful coping mechanism, look at why, together, and decide a plan.
Maybe you need more time doing what gives you joy to get your balance back. Maybe you need to rediscover each other, walk down memory lane, look at photos, remember how to be the old you.

What you're going through is very common, how you tackle it makes a difference. If he sells solutions elsewhere and neglects his relationship with you, as understandable as that is, it will only get worse and his child will have a broken home.
Talk to him, see if he is willing to seek constructive solutions to prevent the death of your marriage, revival is an option.

I'd be interested to hear why you feel so much responsibility and failure. Because you had PND, and have found the life adjustments after having a baby a struggle? Welcome to life. Honestly, it sounds as though your husband has zero resilience and realistic expectations of marriage and the early years of children. We all miss our child-free days in the thick of things when the kids are so little and demanding – sleep, freedom and flexibility and all scarce – what did he think it would be like? He sounds like an irresponsible, selfish prick to be honest.

Aot No it’s good to have all perspectives. In your case it sounds like there was effort at fun and it was all rejected.
My point was it’s easy to be fun if you aren’t the one doing the grunt work.
Op probably can’t be fun and chatty with him if she’s rushed in from work and nursery pick up, cooked a meal, put baby to bed and is thinking dishwasher needs putting on, baby bag needs packing for nursery tomorrow and did I order nappies. Meanwhile he’s out at pub wearing clothes Op has washed and ironed for him, with colleagues laughing at his jokes coming home to food, a clean house and cared for child.

Sorry, bloody autocorrect garbled half that. Hope you got the gist.