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Original poster

Getting fed up of being a secret

235 replies

Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:14

Have NC for this as I have posted other issues which are separate to this and I don’t want them linked.

I have been seeing someone now since beginning of September. We both have one child each, mine 3yrs and his 6yrs.

He is still currently married although the separated early this year. She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him.

She doesn’t know about me yet, which I am fine with as she would probably go mad and make things difficult, but the longer it goes on, the more I am feeling odd about things. Many people, including his friends and even his boss has told him that he needs to get the ball rolling with the divorce now, he was hoping that if he waited long enough, she would do it. I am getting fed up now with being a secret. I stayed at his house a few weeks ago he asked me to walk up the neighbours path. He was at my house last night and she was texting him telling him their son wouldn’t settle and was going crazy at her, he was worried that she was going to take it upon herself to bring him back and would then discover his works van wasn’t there, he then said that he would just have to tell her he was out on a job.

I can understand why he is doing this at the moment but I can’t carry on like it much longer. I have spoken to him about seeking advice and getting the ball rolling with the divorce, he said that he would wait until after Christmas now, so I have now said that it’s up to him what he does, but if he hasn’t made an initial call by the end of January I am gone. The problem is, he is absolutely terrified of her.

I know I have given the end of January as a deadline, but I don’t even know if I will be able to last that long. She wants them to go on holiday next year too, I don’t think I am going to be able to deal with that. I don’t know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable. I am fairly sure that he will be going to her parents house for Christmas Day too because of their son. I know this sounds dodgy, but I do know that they are separated and living apart so it’s not a case of that. I also know that he has no feelings for her at all anymore so he isn’t delaying the divorce for this reason. He is just scared of her reaction as she has been violent in the past.

Do I wait until January? Bring it up now?

OP posts:
Albgo · 14/12/2021 11:19

Erm he's still in a relationship with her. He's lying to you.

AngusThermopyle · 14/12/2021 11:20

Sorry but I don't think he's genuinely split up from her. Sounds more like getting his own back by cheating.. if she actually did cheat on him.

Sweetlikejollof · 14/12/2021 11:21

How did you meet this person, out of interest? Were you made aware of the situation from the outset?

You’ve been dating 10 minutes, so I don’t think you should expect to be introduced to her/everyone. But, some basic respect would be nice.

Personally, I stay away from mess. He’s still embroiled with his ex, terrified of her, disrespecting you (I cannot believe you actually walked down his neighbour’s path) and showing no inclination to get divorced. Why do you want to get involved in all that?

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:21

Thanks both, but I know for a fact he has. She lives separately and has a boyfriend who stays with her most of the time. I have known him for years, we have mutual friends who also know the situation.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2021 11:25

What are you getting out of this?.

I would pick up what is left of your self worth here and walk away from him. You are the other woman in this scenario, is that what you want for yourself and in turn your child?.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:25

@Sweetlikejollof

How did you meet this person, out of interest? Were you made aware of the situation from the outset?

You’ve been dating 10 minutes, so I don’t think you should expect to be introduced to her/everyone. But, some basic respect would be nice.

Personally, I stay away from mess. He’s still embroiled with his ex, terrified of her, disrespecting you (I cannot believe you actually walked down his neighbour’s path) and showing no inclination to get divorced. Why do you want to get involved in all that?

I met him years ago, have seen him out and about here and there over the years. We have mutual friends in common, one of which we are both very good friends with.

I don’t expect to be introduced, I don’t even want to. I did know the situation, but I didn’t realise he wouldn’t have the balls to actually stand up to her when he met someone.

OP posts:
CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 14/12/2021 11:27

This doesn't sound much fun for you. I'd leave, there will be someone else.

Wookiewoo29 · 14/12/2021 11:28

I'd give him until after Christmas and then give him an ultimatum. It's not nice feeling like a dirty little secret. You're not having an affair and have nothing to be ashamed of so he shouldn't be treating you like that.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:30

It isn’t much fun. I am willing to give it a chance, I don’t know if January deadline is acceptable or if I’m being unreasonable. As we have been dating for 4 months I would have expected him to at least look at making a start on things though.

OP posts:
CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 14/12/2021 11:30

@Wookiewoo29

I'd give him until after Christmas and then give him an ultimatum. It's not nice feeling like a dirty little secret. You're not having an affair and have nothing to be ashamed of so he shouldn't be treating you like that.
Don't bother with ultimatums you've already told him what you want so he either wants the same or not
Wookiewoo29 · 14/12/2021 11:31

Also, to add, I wouldn't want to be with someone who is so good and comfortable with lying and keeping secrets. Wouldn't feel like I could ever trust my partner. Seems like lying is something he's used to. Walking down neighbours path? Thinking of lies to tell his ex if she were to turn up? No thanks.

IamGusFring · 14/12/2021 11:31

She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him

What does this mean ?

PS Regardless of the answer it's too soon for him and he's too messy .

magicstars · 14/12/2021 11:31

Perhaps they are technically separated but it sounds as though the emotional link/ co dependency is string between them. I suspect he's holding out for things to work out with her & that's why you're a 'secret'. I would be inclined to tell him that he tells her about you now, or you're off.
Having gone through a separation I do get his navy layers there are to it especially with dc involved. It doesn't mean it can't or won't work out for you with him, but you do need a clear message from him that he sees a future with you, not her.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:32

@Wookiewoo29

I'd give him until after Christmas and then give him an ultimatum. It's not nice feeling like a dirty little secret. You're not having an affair and have nothing to be ashamed of so he shouldn't be treating you like that.
Thank you. I have already given him the ultimatum and he said that he will sort it, he has gotten a solicitors number off a work colleague as it is who they used. I just don’t get why he couldn’t have made a call in the last month when I first brought it up. He was going to approach her with it all about two weeks ago but she was moaning about money to him and being skint for Christmas.
OP posts:
magicstars · 14/12/2021 11:32

'How many layers'

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 11:33

@IamGusFring

She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him

What does this mean ?

PS Regardless of the answer it's too soon for him and he's too messy .

She's still with the guy she cheated on OP's boyfriend with.

OP he needs to grow some balls.
Do all his friends and family know you're together or is he keeping you a secret from everyone?

magicstars · 14/12/2021 11:33

Is he pulling his Weight financially?
I wonder why he felt that was a valid reason not to speak to her about you. Doesn't really add up to me, sorry.

Momijin · 14/12/2021 11:33

I don't understand if she's living with her boyfriend why she would have an issue with him having a girlfriend

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 14/12/2021 11:33

He was going to approach her with it all about two weeks ago but she was moaning about money to him and being skint for Christmas and? So what? He could easily just say now we're separated I was going to get the ball rolling on the divorce. Then start the process.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2021 11:37

Pippitypopp

You should realise that an ultimatum can only be issued one time.

Someone is going to feel very hurt here and that person is sadly most likely to be you.

Walk away from this before you get ever more invested in this mess of his life.

Corbally · 14/12/2021 11:38

This doesn’t sound a good relationship for anyone. I think that as a very new girlfriend, you don’t get to dictate when he starts divorce proceedings, but in your shoes I’d find it far too enmeshed.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:39

@IamGusFring

She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him

What does this mean ?

PS Regardless of the answer it's too soon for him and he's too messy .

Sorry, she is still with the man she cheated with. It's not the first time she has cheated during the marriage either.
OP posts:
IgneousRock · 14/12/2021 11:40

I can understand them spending time together at Christmas for the sake of their child, but she wants them to go on holiday together next year? Wtf?

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:42

@magicstars

Perhaps they are technically separated but it sounds as though the emotional link/ co dependency is string between them. I suspect he's holding out for things to work out with her & that's why you're a 'secret'. I would be inclined to tell him that he tells her about you now, or you're off. Having gone through a separation I do get his navy layers there are to it especially with dc involved. It doesn't mean it can't or won't work out for you with him, but you do need a clear message from him that he sees a future with you, not her.
He doesn't have feelings for her. I know this. I believe she may still have feelings for him though, to what extent I don't know. She left because things were dead for a while. She wanted to make it work, but he was already mentally and emotionally checked out due to her treatment of him over the years.
OP posts:
FluffyPersian · 14/12/2021 11:43

She wants them to go on holiday next year? It sounds like he's already setting you up to accept absolutely ridiculous things.

My friend got into this kind of situation - Her Boyfriend was single, well.. he was engaged but not really as they were just living together but no longer engaged as had apparently 'split up'... and he was going to introduce her to his 2 adult children as she didn't feel part of his life after 9 months....

... the DAY that they were due, apparently both of them cancelled on her (after she'd made a LOT of effort with food to welcome them) and he even said they were 'bloody rude' and some other uncomplimentary things about his own daughters (I was over her house at the time so heard this from his mouth).

He was selling their joint home so he could move in with my friend.... Then he had sold it but the money hadn't come through..... then it was a case of his bank account being frozen as HMRC believed he had committed tax fraud but he could prove he wasn't lying and sent my friend 'letters' from his solicitors and emails from his estate agent confirming the sale.

My friend believed this for months - she had deadlines, they came, they went, she'd create another 'deadline' in her head and tell him - that also came and went.

18 months later - it all came out... he was engaged, had a 4 year old child... he'd been lying to friends AND family... and my friend... and no, they hadn't sold the house, it was being repossessed as he was so badly in debt. .. his adult children hadn't even known about my friend - yet he had told my friend they wanted to meet her, were coming for lunch and then lied about them cancelling and said some really nasty things about them, just to feed his lies.

I'd ignore absolutely everything that comes out of his mouth and look at the cold, hard facts.

  1. He is still married
  2. He's not being proactive in divorcing her
  3. His wife apparently has a boyfriend but wants them to apparently go on holiday together and would go mad if she knew her 'ex' had a girlfriend
  4. He's happy to lie to her about where he is
  5. She wants to go on holiday with him next year

.... No, no, no, no, no.

Even if he is telling the truth, I wouldn't be going anywhere near him until I saw divorce papers.

Get ready for the excuses as to why he couldn't contact the solicitor... 'Oh, the Solicitor has covid!' 'Oh, the Solicitor has gone on holiday for Christmas', 'Oh... ' - or, he could do what my friends ex did and fake the correspondence... that certainly was impressive.

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