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Original poster

Getting fed up of being a secret

235 replies

Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:14

Have NC for this as I have posted other issues which are separate to this and I don’t want them linked.

I have been seeing someone now since beginning of September. We both have one child each, mine 3yrs and his 6yrs.

He is still currently married although the separated early this year. She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him.

She doesn’t know about me yet, which I am fine with as she would probably go mad and make things difficult, but the longer it goes on, the more I am feeling odd about things. Many people, including his friends and even his boss has told him that he needs to get the ball rolling with the divorce now, he was hoping that if he waited long enough, she would do it. I am getting fed up now with being a secret. I stayed at his house a few weeks ago he asked me to walk up the neighbours path. He was at my house last night and she was texting him telling him their son wouldn’t settle and was going crazy at her, he was worried that she was going to take it upon herself to bring him back and would then discover his works van wasn’t there, he then said that he would just have to tell her he was out on a job.

I can understand why he is doing this at the moment but I can’t carry on like it much longer. I have spoken to him about seeking advice and getting the ball rolling with the divorce, he said that he would wait until after Christmas now, so I have now said that it’s up to him what he does, but if he hasn’t made an initial call by the end of January I am gone. The problem is, he is absolutely terrified of her.

I know I have given the end of January as a deadline, but I don’t even know if I will be able to last that long. She wants them to go on holiday next year too, I don’t think I am going to be able to deal with that. I don’t know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable. I am fairly sure that he will be going to her parents house for Christmas Day too because of their son. I know this sounds dodgy, but I do know that they are separated and living apart so it’s not a case of that. I also know that he has no feelings for her at all anymore so he isn’t delaying the divorce for this reason. He is just scared of her reaction as she has been violent in the past.

Do I wait until January? Bring it up now?

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 15/12/2021 02:52

There are only 2 logical explanations for this situation.

  1. He was caught having affairs and his wife left, he then took up with you, she found another partner but he is doing his utmost to win her back without the knowledge that you exist or
  1. He was having an affair with you and she found out and left, the OM doesn't exist, but he wants her back and your relationship is still being denied by him. He is still trying to get her to forgive him.

Your absolute devotion to him and the excuses you are making for his behaviour only make sense if you were part of the problem of his marriage breaking down.

merryxmasmelodies · 15/12/2021 02:58

Tell him you can't see him again until he's divorced. Simple.

RantyAunty · 15/12/2021 04:10

Have you ever thought the mutual friend is lying for him?
Men tend to do that for other men.

He comes over 2x a week for a shag. You're a secret. This isn't a relationship.

The homes that he and his ex live in, is one of them their marital home?

You've seen the messages she has sent to him but have you seen the messages he sends to her.

RedHelenB · 15/12/2021 08:51

She is more important to him at the moment than you are. If he was 100% into you he wouldn't be able to get the ball rolling on divorce quick enough. Don't settle for 2nd best, you'll never be happy.

billy1966 · 15/12/2021 09:08

OP,

Unfortunately neither you nor him have much self respect or boundaries.

Two adults sneaking around, afraid of some woman.

It really is sad.

Very sad that you would engage in at all in this behaviour.

Make no mistake, he will let you go.

He will find some other mug who will allow him to sneak in the back door for a shag.

That he sneaks around scared of her while she openly parades around her affair partner, makes such a complete idiot out of you both.

How you would allow another man drag you into a situation where HIS ex controls your relationship is extraordinary.

You really shouldn't be in ANY relationship.

You should be in counselling and working on your non existent self respect.

You sound like a nice woman but lord you really have zero boundaries to accept being used by him two nights a week.

Flowers
Fireflygal · 15/12/2021 09:30

Have you ever thought the mutual friend is lying for him?
Men tend to do that for other men

I also thought this -- bro code.

He is lying if

  1. he has booked a holiday and not told you
  2. He said he can't be with her for more than 20 mins yet going on a holiday.

If the holiday is true then he is lying. The fact you want to believe he is a victim is your emotional thinking.

Please wake up to all the negative slurs you are hearing about her. If she was really that bad would be go on holiday with her?? Of course she isn't.

In 4 months he hasn't moved forwards at all and you are falling for his victim stance. I think you are going to find out that you have been massively lied to.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 15/12/2021 09:46

@Onthedunes

There are only 2 logical explanations for this situation.
  1. He was caught having affairs and his wife left, he then took up with you, she found another partner but he is doing his utmost to win her back without the knowledge that you exist or
  1. He was having an affair with you and she found out and left, the OM doesn't exist, but he wants her back and your relationship is still being denied by him. He is still trying to get her to forgive him.

Your absolute devotion to him and the excuses you are making for his behaviour only make sense if you were part of the problem of his marriage breaking down.

This isn't the case at all.

She was the one who had affairs, at least two that he knows of. She had the second affair, then left because she was trying to make it work but getting no affection from him because he had checked out. They had been split for months before we even started chatting in July, then nothing happened at all until September.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippitypopp · 15/12/2021 09:49

@RantyAunty

Have you ever thought the mutual friend is lying for him? Men tend to do that for other men.

He comes over 2x a week for a shag. You're a secret. This isn't a relationship.

The homes that he and his ex live in, is one of them their marital home?

You've seen the messages she has sent to him but have you seen the messages he sends to her.

I have known the mutual friend for 10 years, I don't think he is lying for him. He has agreed with me on a lot of things, as in he needs to man up basically and sort his life out, if not for anyone else, but himself.
OP posts:
Original poster
Pippitypopp · 15/12/2021 09:54

@thenewduchessoflapland

The not getting the ball rolling yet on the divorce isn't the issue it's the concealment of your relationship.

She cheated;they now live apart and she's in a relationship with the affair partner;he is publicly her boyfriend.

I don't understand why he won't go public with your relationship;why would she be angry?;she has no reason or the right to be be under the circumstances.

Sorry, I don't know how to multi quote. Because he is terrified of her and her reaction, and what she may do. I actually believe that she isn't really that into this new boyfriend of hers. I think she still may have feelings for him, which is why she's trying to keep her hand in the game by being in contact all the time.
OP posts:
Original poster
Pippitypopp · 15/12/2021 09:56

@RantyAunty

Have you ever thought the mutual friend is lying for him? Men tend to do that for other men.

He comes over 2x a week for a shag. You're a secret. This isn't a relationship.

The homes that he and his ex live in, is one of them their marital home?

You've seen the messages she has sent to him but have you seen the messages he sends to her.

I have seen messages he has sent back. He is dead pan with her. She was messaging him whilst she was at the hospital, with the suspected miscarriage, and all he said that he was sorry to hear that. She then phoned him crying down the phone.

He is living in the marital home. She moved out.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/12/2021 10:06

He doesn't delete her messages

Ah, apologies; I was obviously confusing you with another poster who's wasting her time on a very similar situation

I just felt the need to tell him absolutely everything I have been thinking/feeling

Why bother, when he clearly couldn't care less? He probably wouldn't even care if you hung around for years, but all this angst over a relationship of 3 months just beggars belief

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 15/12/2021 10:09

He has replied now, posted below.

When you word it like this it sounds pretty bad the way I’ve acted and sneaked around and made you feel bad. After all the shit you’ve got off (my ex) and I say dumb shit about making excuses why my van isn’t there and for you to walk up the path, that’s fucked up when I think about it now, I’m REALLY sorry about that. I hope we can work this out. I’m going to tell her today x

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 15/12/2021 11:55

Yeah, he's telling you what you want to hear.

Personally I wouldn't believe a word.

I think you're in the midst of a fake break up, they sound like they both want to be together again but pride is getting in the way.

Yes, you probably turned his head but I don't think it's going to be enough for him to start another life.

Stepmonstera · 15/12/2021 12:01

Don't let him get so far as telling her about you. Just do yourself a favour and end it.

IgneousRock · 15/12/2021 12:26

Ok OP, well that's an encouraging response. Now let's see if he actually does tell her today!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2021 13:14

Is he so thick he had to be told that shagging a woman then making her sneak down a neighbours path they aren't spotted would make her feel shit?

OP you've been dating this man for four months. A matter of weeks all told.

He will always have a complicated dynamic with his ex and she will always be part of his life because of their child.

You have a child. I'm sorry but make better decisions about who you plan on bringing into their life. This man isn't good partner or future stepdad material.

He's suggested having a baby 'now or soon' while you're still a secret, while he's still terrified of his ex and when you both already have kids you should be prioritising over a plan to have more together after four bloody months!

Him even vaguely suggesting that should have been a HUGE red flag and I think it's a sign your boundaries are way off.

But you sound determined to be with him regardless of all this which is a shame.

Witchwithacat · 15/12/2021 15:10

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Is he so thick he had to be told that shagging a woman then making her sneak down a neighbours path they aren't spotted would make her feel shit?

OP you've been dating this man for four months. A matter of weeks all told.

He will always have a complicated dynamic with his ex and she will always be part of his life because of their child.

You have a child. I'm sorry but make better decisions about who you plan on bringing into their life. This man isn't good partner or future stepdad material.

He's suggested having a baby 'now or soon' while you're still a secret, while he's still terrified of his ex and when you both already have kids you should be prioritising over a plan to have more together after four bloody months!

Him even vaguely suggesting that should have been a HUGE red flag and I think it's a sign your boundaries are way off.

But you sound determined to be with him regardless of all this which is a shame.

This!

She will always be in your life OP, as they have a child together.
Personally, you or your child don’t need somebody like this in their lives. I am also quite shocked that you’ve been going along with everything which is only encouraging his and her behaviour. You are going to end up getting hurt. They sound like they have a co-dependant relationship.

Darkpheonix · 15/12/2021 16:46

Oh, wo he was scarer of her and she was going to cause so many problems, he just realised how shitty he is and how he only telling you half tale.

Now you told him how poor his behaviour is, it's actually really simple to tell her?

Sounds exhausting and a lifetime of him doing what he wants, with it being your job to point put wether his behaviour is poor....after the fact.

Fun!

Yummypumpkin · 15/12/2021 16:59

I can't think of a better response, OP.

I do hope he carries this through.

In which case this is surely a fantastic outcome and huge credit to you.

Nancy83 · 15/12/2021 22:59

£10 he hasn’t told her. Anyone?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/12/2021 23:04

£10 he hasn’t told her. Anyone?

You can afford to offer better odds than that, Nancy83 ... after all, it's not as if you're likely to lose Wink

RantyAunty · 16/12/2021 16:56

Did he end up telling her?

thefourgp · 16/12/2021 18:13

@Pippitypopp how are you? Did her tell her?

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 16/12/2021 23:53

I've been a but stupid. As soon as he sent that text, I told him not to tell her. He asked why, so I told him rather than blurting it out we need some kinda plan of how to tell her with minimal damage. I am worried about the fallout really. Stupid stupid me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippitypopp · 16/12/2021 23:55

He kinda went a bit funny with me then asking me why I was hesitant about it, and asked if there was a reason why he shouldn't bother telling her (I think he thought I was going to finish it) because I was still being off with him after he sent that message in the morning. It's a mess.

OP posts: