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Original poster

Getting fed up of being a secret

235 replies

Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:14

Have NC for this as I have posted other issues which are separate to this and I don’t want them linked.

I have been seeing someone now since beginning of September. We both have one child each, mine 3yrs and his 6yrs.

He is still currently married although the separated early this year. She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him.

She doesn’t know about me yet, which I am fine with as she would probably go mad and make things difficult, but the longer it goes on, the more I am feeling odd about things. Many people, including his friends and even his boss has told him that he needs to get the ball rolling with the divorce now, he was hoping that if he waited long enough, she would do it. I am getting fed up now with being a secret. I stayed at his house a few weeks ago he asked me to walk up the neighbours path. He was at my house last night and she was texting him telling him their son wouldn’t settle and was going crazy at her, he was worried that she was going to take it upon herself to bring him back and would then discover his works van wasn’t there, he then said that he would just have to tell her he was out on a job.

I can understand why he is doing this at the moment but I can’t carry on like it much longer. I have spoken to him about seeking advice and getting the ball rolling with the divorce, he said that he would wait until after Christmas now, so I have now said that it’s up to him what he does, but if he hasn’t made an initial call by the end of January I am gone. The problem is, he is absolutely terrified of her.

I know I have given the end of January as a deadline, but I don’t even know if I will be able to last that long. She wants them to go on holiday next year too, I don’t think I am going to be able to deal with that. I don’t know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable. I am fairly sure that he will be going to her parents house for Christmas Day too because of their son. I know this sounds dodgy, but I do know that they are separated and living apart so it’s not a case of that. I also know that he has no feelings for her at all anymore so he isn’t delaying the divorce for this reason. He is just scared of her reaction as she has been violent in the past.

Do I wait until January? Bring it up now?

OP posts:
Darkpheonix · 14/12/2021 11:43

So she cheated but he is scared to tell her he is dating?

Sounds messy and complicated. I wouldn't even bother waiting until January. There relationship will continue to messy and complicated.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:43

@girlmom21 all friends know. Family, no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:46

@IgneousRock I did initially think there was no way I would accept them going on holiday. Then I wondered whether it would be reasonable to accept one last family holiday. The more I think about it, the more I know I won't be able to tolerate that. He would be paying for her to go too as she never has any money and can't afford a holiday.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2021 11:46

"He doesn't have feelings for her. I know this. I believe she may still have feelings for him though, to what extent I don't know".

Theirs is still very much a toxic and codependent relationship and one too they may well stay locked in for years to come. For whatever reasons it suits the two of them to be like this towards the other because they are both getting something out of it.

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 11:47

[quote Pippitypopp]@girlmom21 all friends know. Family, no.[/quote]
She's going to find out soon enough. It's better he tells her now than a friend does on a drunken New Year's Eve...

supercali77 · 14/12/2021 11:48

Yeah I dont think when he starts divorce proceedings is the main issue here. As pp said something is wrong with this situation if she has moved on (seemingly) and he is walking on eggshells (seemingly). I had a slightly similar scenario about 4 mo into a new relationship. Long sperated though they were, we avoided places she might be out of respect. One weekend it got a bit ridiculous. I felt like the other woman and said so. The situation changed after that. Its perfectly fine that he or anyone else adjusts to a separation, avoids confrontation and so on. Thats their right. But its not anyone else's responsibility to also take on the 'walking on eggshells' dance or to feel comfortable with it. Its something of an imposition actually

Motheroftigers · 14/12/2021 11:56

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"He doesn't have feelings for her. I know this. I believe she may still have feelings for him though, to what extent I don't know".

Theirs is still very much a toxic and codependent relationship and one too they may well stay locked in for years to come. For whatever reasons it suits the two of them to be like this towards the other because they are both getting something out of it.

This with bells on.
Sweetlikejollof · 14/12/2021 11:59

“Personally, I stay away from mess. He’s still embroiled with his ex, terrified of her, disrespecting you (I cannot believe you actually walked down his neighbour’s path) and showing no inclination to get divorced. Why do you want to get involved in all that?”

I think it’s interesting that your response to me ignored that paragraph entirely.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 12:03

@FluffyPersian That's awful. It's crazy the lengths people can go to. What a horrible thing to go through for your friend. I hope she is okay now.

I know I can't make demands in when he starts proceedings. He can stay married if he wants, I just won't be around in a month's time if he doesn't.

He has just text now and at the end of the message said that his ex didn't text back until 10:30 this morning about their son, she isn't happy but ah well' I feel like saying that I really don't care what time she text back of if she's happy or not, I deleted it though. It's going to be a fairly miserable Christmas at this rate.

OP posts:
Wookiewoo29 · 14/12/2021 12:03

[quote Pippitypopp]@IgneousRock I did initially think there was no way I would accept them going on holiday. Then I wondered whether it would be reasonable to accept one last family holiday. The more I think about it, the more I know I won't be able to tolerate that. He would be paying for her to go too as she never has any money and can't afford a holiday.[/quote]
Them going on holiday and him paying for it? No way! How is that fair on you? How does her boyfriend feel about all of this too?
This is also very confusing for their child. Are mummy and daddy together or are they not? Must be difficult when boundaries are crossed like this.

Witchwithacat · 14/12/2021 12:04

I have no idea why you’ve put up with this for four months. You need to leave this relationship behind, it just screams problems. If you really believe you have a future, you need to set boundaries and ultimatums.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 12:04

@Sweetlikejollof

“Personally, I stay away from mess. He’s still embroiled with his ex, terrified of her, disrespecting you (I cannot believe you actually walked down his neighbour’s path) and showing no inclination to get divorced. Why do you want to get involved in all that?”

I think it’s interesting that your response to me ignored that paragraph entirely.

Ah yes, I didn't mean to. Yes, it made me feel disgusting if I'm honest.
OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 14/12/2021 12:06

What is he scared of exactly? They are already separated so I don't understand?

As for the divorce - I separated from my ex 4 years ago and we are only just getting divorced now. I have been with my partner over 2 years and same for my ex. I just couldn't face the stress or cost of divorce and now I am in the middle of it, I was right!

But then I have no wish to re-marry so didn't see the need to rush.

Sweetlikejollof · 14/12/2021 12:06

So, why are you doing this, then? Why are you in a relationship where you’re made to feel disgusting and you’re issuing ultimata after three months? What’s the reason?

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 12:09

@Wookiewoo29

I am glad then that it is not me being unreasonable. When he first mentioned it to me he asked if I would mind, and I told him I would not be happy with that situation. He said it's not like anything would ever happen between them. That isn't the point to me. The point is the shared experience, also what if I were to want a holiday with my supposed partner? Who can afford two holidays a year, they don't do a cheap holiday either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 12:11

Her boyfriend doesn't seem to care from what I can tell. For all I know he would be going too. She turned up at his house last weekend with her boyfriend with a takeaway after they had been out for the day. The situation is crazy.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/12/2021 12:16

Send him on his way. And tell him to come back when he's divorced by which time you might have met somebody else. What a chancer.

Natty13 · 14/12/2021 12:16

My friend was in this exact situation (even down to the details like she cheated, he's terrified of her, etc).she refused to sleep with him t he was divorced. Of course he got the ball rolling and made it happen.

ravenmum · 14/12/2021 12:18

I stayed at his house a few weeks ago he asked me to walk up the neighbours path
And you did this? You didn't laugh in his face and tell him to piss off?

Find a boyfriend who shows you some respect.

thefourgp · 14/12/2021 12:22

She cheated on him before and he stayed with her. She leaves him for someone else, who she brings to his home, and he doesn’t want to tell her that he’s dating someone else? He’s even agreeing to pay for her to go on holiday with him next year.

He absolutely does still have feelings for her. He’s hoping they’ll end up back together so he’s not telling her about you. The fact you’ve tolerated the disrespect he’s shown you makes me think you’ll never follow through on any ultimatums you set.

You deserve to be treated better. He’s never going to give you the respect you deserve.

Darkpheonix · 14/12/2021 12:22

His ex and her new bloke turned up with take away with no notice?

And he say doesn't and had dinner with them?

There's huge parts of this situation that you are not eing told.

If my exh rocked up here with his gf, who was OW, and a take away not a chance would I inviting then in and spending the evening with them.

Camii · 14/12/2021 12:24

Even if everything he has told you is true, do you want to be with someone that is living in fear of his ex partner? She is likely to continue to try and bully/manipulate him and as you've seen, he doesn't stand up for himself.

I would walk away now and tell him to be back in touch if and when the divorce is final.

Serendipity79 · 14/12/2021 12:31

OP I'm afraid you're being spun a line here. My ex told everyone we'd separated but he couldn't abandon me because I was suicidal. This gave him a)sympathy from all the women he worked with b) opportunity to begin an emotional affair with one of them c) a get out of jail free card for when he wanted to ditch her. Unfortunately for him I got wind of the behaviour and threw him out. And it wasn't the first time - I'd already forgiven the same thing once previously.

I don't honestly believe that this woman is with a new bloke, who's popping round for takeaways with her and her ex! She's off on holiday with her ex next year and texting him repeatedly and yet he isn't in some way involved with her - really?

Asking you to walk up the neighbours path should have been a massive red flag - he wants to keep you as a secret. He's either lying to you about the break up or he's still very much hoping they will get back together.

I'd throw this one back - you can do better

Beamur · 14/12/2021 12:37

@Darkpheonix

So she cheated but he is scared to tell her he is dating?

Sounds messy and complicated. I wouldn't even bother waiting until January. There relationship will continue to messy and complicated.

This. To be honest, my advice is that he's not ready yet for a new relationship. He's still too enmeshed in the previous one. It's messy and it's not going to get better.
1forAll74 · 14/12/2021 12:44

You can't be giving ultimatums in relationships, whatever his problems are, you will have to hope that he can get sorted,if he really want's to be with you. You both have children involved here, and you don't need a lot of hassle going on around you. Giving ultimatums,is not a good way to deal with things, and can put a damper on relationships.

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