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Original poster

Getting fed up of being a secret

235 replies

Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:14

Have NC for this as I have posted other issues which are separate to this and I don’t want them linked.

I have been seeing someone now since beginning of September. We both have one child each, mine 3yrs and his 6yrs.

He is still currently married although the separated early this year. She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him.

She doesn’t know about me yet, which I am fine with as she would probably go mad and make things difficult, but the longer it goes on, the more I am feeling odd about things. Many people, including his friends and even his boss has told him that he needs to get the ball rolling with the divorce now, he was hoping that if he waited long enough, she would do it. I am getting fed up now with being a secret. I stayed at his house a few weeks ago he asked me to walk up the neighbours path. He was at my house last night and she was texting him telling him their son wouldn’t settle and was going crazy at her, he was worried that she was going to take it upon herself to bring him back and would then discover his works van wasn’t there, he then said that he would just have to tell her he was out on a job.

I can understand why he is doing this at the moment but I can’t carry on like it much longer. I have spoken to him about seeking advice and getting the ball rolling with the divorce, he said that he would wait until after Christmas now, so I have now said that it’s up to him what he does, but if he hasn’t made an initial call by the end of January I am gone. The problem is, he is absolutely terrified of her.

I know I have given the end of January as a deadline, but I don’t even know if I will be able to last that long. She wants them to go on holiday next year too, I don’t think I am going to be able to deal with that. I don’t know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable. I am fairly sure that he will be going to her parents house for Christmas Day too because of their son. I know this sounds dodgy, but I do know that they are separated and living apart so it’s not a case of that. I also know that he has no feelings for her at all anymore so he isn’t delaying the divorce for this reason. He is just scared of her reaction as she has been violent in the past.

Do I wait until January? Bring it up now?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/12/2021 19:26

I do genuinely believe that he has no feelings for her and hasn’t for a very long time ... I do believe that he is genuinely scared of her

How very odd, then, that he's planning on paying for a nice meal for her and even a holiday, to say nothing of all the other contact. Who'd want to consider sharing a holiday with someone they felt nothing for - even feared - when it's not even about giving small DCs a nice time? Hmm

It's hard to credit that you're putting yourself through this over someone you've known 3 months, never mind one who's so keen on future faking as to talk about moving in together so soon. I wonder if he's worked out it would be cheaper for him than funding a place entirely for himself?

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 19:28

I have been thinking about all the replies here a lot today, and I am actually not feeling hopeful at all anymore for this to work out. I cannot see him ever standing up to her which will cause so many problems down the line anyway.

I have barely been able to bring myself to reply to him today as I don’t know what to say, he thinks everything is currently fine. The trouble is, I feel bad for bringing the secrecy up, when I know that he is waiting to get things done before she finds out he is seeing someone else as he knows very well that she will make things so much more difficult for him. I can’t demand to have it out in the open now if he is worried this is the way things will go.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/12/2021 19:38

I can’t demand to have it out in the open now if he is worried this is the way things will go

After only 3 months it's not really your problem to solve, is it? And even if you held off for now there'd soon be another reason not to "upset" his "crazy, scary ex" (though as said, apparently she's not so crazy and scary that he'll minimise contact)

Unfortunately some men will say whatever it takes to get their next relationship (and the sex), even down to wanting to move in and have a baby. After all, if they told the actual truth, no woman with sense would get involved

Darkpheonix · 14/12/2021 19:42

So he won't tell her until after the divorce?

So why did he start seeing someone when he hadn't even started the divorce?

Its funny how she is so difficult, so demanding, no boundaries etc. But he was quite happy staying with her and probably would be now if she hadn't have left.

Stepmonstera · 14/12/2021 19:46

There will always be a reason why he won't upset her. And you will always come off worse because she has so much power over him.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 19:49

I have no idea. That could take years to sort… so it’s not feasible really is it. Our mutual friend has known him a for over 20 years, he said if she hadn’t made the decision to leave, he would still be there now just carrying on. We have actually been chatting a lot since July before anything happened physically.

Re the holiday, aside from what he said to me about it, our friend actually said he mentioned it to him around the same time too, and he said something along the lines of, ‘He might have to go on holiday with her next year’. I think he is just too scared to say no to her, about anything.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 14/12/2021 19:52

Have NC for this as I have posted other issues which are separate to this and I don’t want them linked.

This statement usually means their have been other instances of him behaving in ways you don’t like but you don’t want to admit that this man has a very long way to go to being ready to be in the type of relationship that you want.

The bottom line is he isn’t ready or is unwilling to have the relationship you want with him. Move on already.

Darkpheonix · 14/12/2021 20:11

@Pippitypopp

I have no idea. That could take years to sort… so it’s not feasible really is it. Our mutual friend has known him a for over 20 years, he said if she hadn’t made the decision to leave, he would still be there now just carrying on. We have actually been chatting a lot since July before anything happened physically.

Re the holiday, aside from what he said to me about it, our friend actually said he mentioned it to him around the same time too, and he said something along the lines of, ‘He might have to go on holiday with her next year’. I think he is just too scared to say no to her, about anything.

So you know the baby he is talking about having is unlikely to happen.

Or means you having it in secret.

You know he is misleading you.

He doesn't hate her. He would still be with her, of she hadn't have left.

This isn't about her. Let's says she is a bad as he tells you and tells his friends. He would have stayed with her. 'Crazy ex' but good enough to be with, if he could.

You know all this information. You know it doesn't add up. You know he is the problem. Yet you have ignored it, focused on it all being if he just tells her and turning a blind eye to all the other issues.

I suspect there's loads more issues. It's been a few weeks and it's a relationship full of issues and you are talking love and future babies.

You really need to reasses why you have been so willing to get wrapped up in this.

whistleryukon · 14/12/2021 20:12

You need help. You need to take part in some sort of healthy relationships programme. There is a gap in the market for this actually, for issues that don't relate to DV but nevertheless point to chaos and destruction. Mumsnet could collectively run a great programme in cocklodgers, walking cliches, liars, neggers, alphas, simps, and men who will be forever entwined with their ex wives.

Your new boyfriend falls into the liar, walking cliches, and forever entwined with his ex camps.

You need to ask yourself how you have allowed yourself to be in a situation where you are in a secret 'relationship' which is being run exactly like an affair because this boyfriend's ex wife who is happily and openly with a new partner is so crazy and would cause so much shit if she were ever to find out.

Ask yourself how you have allowed yourself to believe he is terrified of this woman but messages and calls her (then deletes) and plans meals and drinks with her. All the while you're doing the run of shame from his house. Where are your meals and drinks? Good enough for a fuck and to make him some dinner but not good enough to be seen in public?

whistleryukon · 14/12/2021 20:14

Ugh, I got this one mixed with some elements of another thread. These men are all the bloody same.

NowEvenBetter · 14/12/2021 20:27

@whistleryukon

You need help. You need to take part in some sort of healthy relationships programme. There is a gap in the market for this actually, for issues that don't relate to DV but nevertheless point to chaos and destruction. Mumsnet could collectively run a great programme in cocklodgers, walking cliches, liars, neggers, alphas, simps, and men who will be forever entwined with their ex wives.

Your new boyfriend falls into the liar, walking cliches, and forever entwined with his ex camps.

You need to ask yourself how you have allowed yourself to be in a situation where you are in a secret 'relationship' which is being run exactly like an affair because this boyfriend's ex wife who is happily and openly with a new partner is so crazy and would cause so much shit if she were ever to find out.

Ask yourself how you have allowed yourself to believe he is terrified of this woman but messages and calls her (then deletes) and plans meals and drinks with her. All the while you're doing the run of shame from his house. Where are your meals and drinks? Good enough for a fuck and to make him some dinner but not good enough to be seen in public?

THIS. So many women ‘trying’ with some absolute loser who’s openly taking the piss out of them. Who is teaching women that any man at all is better than no man?!

*not ex wife; current wife, that he chose to marry and impregnate and only split up because she chose to. A married couple.

Nancy83 · 14/12/2021 20:27

Messy messy.

Also… it’s not exactly sexy is it? Your new boyfriend being so terrified of his ‘ex’ (although I don’t believe it’s over), you have to walk down a neighbour’s path.

I’d keep my clothes on and move on to a proper partner & not someone who is not married in all but bed locations.

S1205 · 14/12/2021 20:28

@whistleryukon Ask yourself how you have allowed yourself to believe he is terrified of this woman but messages and calls her (then deletes) and plans meals and drinks with her. All the while you're doing the run of shame from his house. Where are your meals and drinks? Good enough for a fuck and to make him some dinner but not good enough to be seen in public?

This 👏

NowEvenBetter · 14/12/2021 20:29

’I am actually not feeling hopeful at all anymore for this to work out’

No, really? (Sarcasm)

ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 14/12/2021 20:40

Is it not exhausting having such messy dramatic lives?

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 20:41

I’ve realised a fair few things today thanks to this. I’m basically sharing him with another woman but she gets the lion share of the efforts as in -

She wanted her son at her parents Halloween party - he took him and sat there with her family and her new boyfriend.

She wanted to take him out on the weekend, he did. This is fine and I don’t have a problem but we could have also done something one day too.

She will want to see their son on Christmas Day, so he will take him to her parents house, I am sure the same will happen Boxing Day.

Bye will probably be the same, either that or he will be having their son whilst she goes out.

New Year’s Day, god knows but probably shared again.

She wants to go on holiday, he thinks he’s going to have to take her.

She wants to pop over his house, she does when she wants and lefts herself in.

All this while he comes to my house 2 nights a week, in secret. This will probably continue through Christmas with nothing else or extra, it may even be reduced or moved around due to her demands/wants.

It’s like sharing him with another woman isn’t it, but she gets what she wants whilst I get nothing.

The trouble is, what the hell do I say about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 20:42

NYE I meant, not Bye. Yes it really is heading that way, exhausting and it’s getting me down now. The above post will make for a very miserable Christmas too and I don’t want that.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 14/12/2021 20:47

This is not complex or difficult.
‘What the hell do I say about it?!’
A text, he’s a married, casual lover of a few weeks. Ffs.
‘This isn’t working for me, bye.’

Hey presto, the drama is over. 🙄

Nancy83 · 14/12/2021 20:47

You say you’re sick of being the other woman and either he steps up or you ship out.

I think he has already had numerous chances though so why the dickens do you want to be with this muppet?

supercali77 · 14/12/2021 20:50

It seems pretty straightforward what to say....

I feel like the other woman. Either you're a free agent, a single man, interested in a relationship out in the open. Or you're not. No messing about, make a choice.

Yummypumpkin · 14/12/2021 20:51

He isn't acting like you're anything but a fling.

Agree with above. Say "This creeping about is weird. And your relationship with your ex also seems weird to me for a man who separated the best part of a year ago. I shouldn't have ever gone along with it. You know where to find me if you get your act together. But for now I'm done talking and looking forward to a Christmas where I'm no one's little secret. Have a great one."

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 20:52

The trouble is, what the hell do I say about it?

He's just a bloke you've been dating, largely in secret, for a few months.

Stop giving this so much power and being passive.

"I've been thinking and this relationship isn't working for me so I think best we both focus on ourselves. Ive made my mind up so hope you can respect my decision - I think a clean break is best. All the best."

Done. And don't get into a back and forth with him where he says he'll do xyz / tell her etc. Because he would only be doing it as his hand has been forced. Which sounds like his default setting, as your mutual friend explained when she said he'd never have left if the ex hadn't, he'd have just bumbled along.

Want more for yourself. And for your child.

It's completely reasonable to just text him ending it, you're not asking a long term partner for a divorce!

supercali77 · 14/12/2021 20:57

Actually. His seeming total obeyance to this woman would be too much for me to even say 'out in the open'. It goes beyond that. He'd have to radically change his entire approach to her. On reflection id ditch it. Hes not ready. Too enmeshed.

TattoedLady · 14/12/2021 21:02

OP either accept his divorced status or don't, and walk away. You're with him a wet week and 'get divorced' ultimatums don't work, even less so between people who aren't fully committed to one another.

Your real problem is that you are with a man who is pretending that the reason he's making you sneak around like a dirty little secret is because his ex-wife is so "scary, crazy and controlling". She's not. He's hiding you because he's still relating to her in an unhealthy way. He's hiding you because he'd still be with her, if she hadn't left him. He's hiding you because he's not committed to you and hasn't a shred of respect for you.

Also, when a recently separated man tears his ex-wife to shreds take note...he hasn't moved on, despite what he might say. Men who have moved on are indifferent. As for the baby nonsense, it's nothing more than future-faking.

What the hell do you say about it?? Nothing, you leave.

IamGusFring · 14/12/2021 21:05

2 nights a week ? She is getting the Lion's Share ! You are the OW.

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