Getting fed up of being a secret

[Pippitypopp]

Have NC for this as I have posted other issues which are separate to this and I don’t want them linked.

I have been seeing someone now since beginning of September. We both have one child each, mine 3yrs and his 6yrs.

He is still currently married although the separated early this year. She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him.

She doesn’t know about me yet, which I am fine with as she would probably go mad and make things difficult, but the longer it goes on, the more I am feeling odd about things. Many people, including his friends and even his boss has told him that he needs to get the ball rolling with the divorce now, he was hoping that if he waited long enough, she would do it. I am getting fed up now with being a secret. I stayed at his house a few weeks ago he asked me to walk up the neighbours path. He was at my house last night and she was texting him telling him their son wouldn’t settle and was going crazy at her, he was worried that she was going to take it upon herself to bring him back and would then discover his works van wasn’t there, he then said that he would just have to tell her he was out on a job.

I can understand why he is doing this at the moment but I can’t carry on like it much longer. I have spoken to him about seeking advice and getting the ball rolling with the divorce, he said that he would wait until after Christmas now, so I have now said that it’s up to him what he does, but if he hasn’t made an initial call by the end of January I am gone. The problem is, he is absolutely terrified of her.

I know I have given the end of January as a deadline, but I don’t even know if I will be able to last that long. She wants them to go on holiday next year too, I don’t think I am going to be able to deal with that. I don’t know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable. I am fairly sure that he will be going to her parents house for Christmas Day too because of their son. I know this sounds dodgy, but I do know that they are separated and living apart so it’s not a case of that. I also know that he has no feelings for her at all anymore so he isn’t delaying the divorce for this reason. He is just scared of her reaction as she has been violent in the past.

Do I wait until January? Bring it up now?

Seriously? 😂

I know I should hide this thread before lose my mind, but I’m finding it oddly addictive. If it’s a windup, it’s really very impressive.

Blimey op,

He doesn't even need to lie to you.
You do it all to yourself (lie)

@Pippitypopp

He kinda went a bit funny with me then asking me why I was hesitant about it, and asked if there was a reason why he shouldn't bother telling her (I think he thought I was going to finish it) because I was still being off with him after he sent that message in the morning. It's a mess.

Ummm you are making it a mess ?

Are you worried that what he's been telling you might not be true and he'll end it?

He's either exaggerating how much she cares to provide a distance between you two or they're still in their marriage in some way.

I dated someone years ago who refused to tell his family about me because of our age difference. Me, 5 years older.
He made it sound so dramatic like his mother would be livid and devastated.

One day I worked up the courage to introduce myself and I swear I had panic attacks and had so much anxiety I thought I would pass out.

You can probably guess what happened.
Nothing at all. She was more than happy and we got along very well.

We didn't last. It turns out the only one who was messed up about our age difference was him. He was clearly embarrassed or ashamed.

I would say you can either bite the bullet so to speak now and get your answer one way or the other, or let this humiliating secret treatment of you drag on and be more hurt the longer it goes on.

Op, you really told him not to, be arsed you know deep down that he wouldn't and you don't want proof of that.

You know this is ridiculous. You know ymhe is taking the piss and allowing it. He isn't pulling the wool over your eyes, it's all there for you to see. You are choosing to take the piss our of yourself.

I think this is true. The only thing sadder than this sorry tale would be someone getting their jollies from pretending to humiliate themselves for a bit a cock.

I mean... What else do you want people to say to get you to stand up for yourself? This is shaping up to be a disaster for you. You're now both scared of his bloody ex. You're going to be under her thumb dancing to her tune for years. Good luck with that.

You only see him twice a week, only been seeing him 4 months, yet been speaking since July. Already talked about having a child together.
This has to be a joke, nobody talks about kids after 4 months especially when you are still a secret to the wife.

You are the ow, and have placed your trust in this man loving you.

It's not working out the way you planned is it.

He's never going to tell her because he's still maried and together with her.

Get away from him, you have been decieved.

@Pippitypopp

He kinda went a bit funny with me then asking me why I was hesitant about it, and asked if there was a reason why he shouldn't bother telling her (I think he thought I was going to finish it) because I was still being off with him after he sent that message in the morning. It's a mess.

You have taken it to an ultimatum and then you have backed down . You have shown him that he can walk all over you . Welcome to the rest of your 2 evenings a week with him 🙄

@IamGusFring

Even less now.
He played it well.

@Pippitypopp

I've been a but stupid. As soon as he sent that text, I told him not to tell her. He asked why, so I told him rather than blurting it out we need some kinda plan of how to tell her with minimal damage. I am worried about the fallout really. Stupid stupid me.

What fallout?

You've been seeing this man twice a week, at your house, for just 4 months. Why have you allowed yourself to become to enmeshed in his wife's business?

Why do you never go out on dates with him? WTF is going on with his heartfelt declarations of wanting to procreate with you - a woman he has met 2 or 3 dozen times?

I don't understand what you see in him, or why you are inviting this much drama & discord into your life. Are you living on a remote, secluded island, & he is the only man available?