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Original poster

Getting fed up of being a secret

235 replies

Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:14

Have NC for this as I have posted other issues which are separate to this and I don’t want them linked.

I have been seeing someone now since beginning of September. We both have one child each, mine 3yrs and his 6yrs.

He is still currently married although the separated early this year. She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him.

She doesn’t know about me yet, which I am fine with as she would probably go mad and make things difficult, but the longer it goes on, the more I am feeling odd about things. Many people, including his friends and even his boss has told him that he needs to get the ball rolling with the divorce now, he was hoping that if he waited long enough, she would do it. I am getting fed up now with being a secret. I stayed at his house a few weeks ago he asked me to walk up the neighbours path. He was at my house last night and she was texting him telling him their son wouldn’t settle and was going crazy at her, he was worried that she was going to take it upon herself to bring him back and would then discover his works van wasn’t there, he then said that he would just have to tell her he was out on a job.

I can understand why he is doing this at the moment but I can’t carry on like it much longer. I have spoken to him about seeking advice and getting the ball rolling with the divorce, he said that he would wait until after Christmas now, so I have now said that it’s up to him what he does, but if he hasn’t made an initial call by the end of January I am gone. The problem is, he is absolutely terrified of her.

I know I have given the end of January as a deadline, but I don’t even know if I will be able to last that long. She wants them to go on holiday next year too, I don’t think I am going to be able to deal with that. I don’t know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable. I am fairly sure that he will be going to her parents house for Christmas Day too because of their son. I know this sounds dodgy, but I do know that they are separated and living apart so it’s not a case of that. I also know that he has no feelings for her at all anymore so he isn’t delaying the divorce for this reason. He is just scared of her reaction as she has been violent in the past.

Do I wait until January? Bring it up now?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 15:59

Oh so on top of all this there are other issues you don't want linked to it as they further complicate things?!

OP, this isn't a viable healthy long term relationship. For so many reasons people have explained to you. Plus you have a child. Plus whatever other complications.

Make your life easier, happier and healthier - stop dating this man.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 14/12/2021 16:14

My goodness - he is quite the people pleaser!

thethreemuskateers · 14/12/2021 16:16

You sound like the side chick, does anyone actually know about you?

IamGusFring · 14/12/2021 16:41

@Pippitypopp

I don’t have her number, not hat I would contact her. She has a habit of bringing their son back on her days when he is being difficult, that’s why she may have turned up last night, and found that his van was not there.
and he's not allowed to go out without her say so ?
IamGusFring · 14/12/2021 16:44

@CeriBerry

Hi OP,

I think the divorce thing is a bit of a red herring. My boyfriend is still married to his ex wife and hasn’t got round to sorting them divorce out yet. It doesn’t bother me because I’m very secure in the relationship. I’m not a secret and his ex knows about me. They communicate quite a lot over their shared child but again, I’m not threatened or worried about any of that because I know he’s 100% committed to me and totally moved on from her.

It will be two years since they split up in February and he has mentioned starting the divorce proceedings then because it’s easier after two years separation. If he doesn’t then yes I probably will question him on whether he does intend to do it. But it’s not something I’m actively worried about because I know he sees his future as being with me.

It's not easier to get a divorce after two years - before two years you just have to say irreconcilable differences . Why are so many men using this excuse ?
CeriBerry · 14/12/2021 16:58

@IamGusFring

Well in my case he’s not using it as an excuse because it was me who brought it up, not him! And it was me who told him it was easier so I stand corrected.

Divorce is very much on his ‘to do list’ for early 2022 and as I say, I’m very secure and happy in our relationship so it’s not actually something I really think about, as long as he does get it done.

As I said earlier, I think the divorce thing is a bit of a red herring in the OPs case as it sounds like there are much bigger problems regarding her being kept a secret.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 16:59

@stayathomegardener

Hang on his estranged wife has no money and can't afford to pay for a holiday but he can pay for both. That makes zero sense, if they are not divorced yet they don't have separate finances. Do not get tangled up with with such a man, immaterial of anything else he sounds financially abusive.
She is on benefits. He works and gives her extra money each month, even though he has their child more nights than her. Their finances are separate.
OP posts:
Samedaysame · 14/12/2021 17:01

OP are you divorced. I know I will get shot down by some but, a divorce is a huge deal. It is the end of your life as you knew it. It is admitting you failed, it is admitting nobody loved you enough to be faithful and love you for you. So maybe he is putting of the divorce because maybe in his mind the whole world will KNOW HE FAILED in his eyes. I know a lot will disagree with me

IamGusFring · 14/12/2021 17:08

[quote CeriBerry]@IamGusFring

Well in my case he’s not using it as an excuse because it was me who brought it up, not him! And it was me who told him it was easier so I stand corrected.

Divorce is very much on his ‘to do list’ for early 2022 and as I say, I’m very secure and happy in our relationship so it’s not actually something I really think about, as long as he does get it done.

As I said earlier, I think the divorce thing is a bit of a red herring in the OPs case as it sounds like there are much bigger problems regarding her being kept a secret.[/quote]
Totally agree !

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 17:11

@Samedaysame

OP are you divorced. I know I will get shot down by some but, a divorce is a huge deal. It is the end of your life as you knew it. It is admitting you failed, it is admitting nobody loved you enough to be faithful and love you for you. So maybe he is putting of the divorce because maybe in his mind the whole world will KNOW HE FAILED in his eyes. I know a lot will disagree with me
No, my ex partner and I were not married. Everyone knows they have split up and what she has put him through over the years so I don’t think it’s that.
OP posts:
ravenmum · 14/12/2021 17:13

Some people do see divorce as failure, but that is their own issue - that isn't what divorce objectively is. For me, divorce was a new start to my life, not the end. And it was a sign that I didn't put up with any further nonsense from my ex; not that I wasn't lovable.
If he is putting off the divorce as he associates it with failure and not being loved, that's not a reason for his behaviour - it's another big red flag that he's in the middle of a massive drama and shouldn't be having a new relationship, let alone another child.

Anomelettefortheroad · 14/12/2021 17:16

You'd be better off leaving this shitshow behind you and having a baby on your own if you want one that bad. This is a really unhealthy dynamic to bring a child into.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 17:19

I’m not desperate for another baby, I would be okay stopping at one, I wouldn’t rule it out though in a stable relationship.

OP posts:
Stepmonstera · 14/12/2021 17:31

As a stepmum of over 10 years of with a demanding ex wife on the scene - its taken years to gradually reduce her meddling in our lives, trying to dictate what goes on in our house.

My heartfelt advice - end it. My dh was stronger with far better boundaries than your boyfriend and over the years it's still been really hard having some other woman dictating what happens in my house under the threat of stopping contact.

Just walk away. Don't put yourself through it.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 17:36

@Stepmonstera

As a stepmum of over 10 years of with a demanding ex wife on the scene - its taken years to gradually reduce her meddling in our lives, trying to dictate what goes on in our house.

My heartfelt advice - end it. My dh was stronger with far better boundaries than your boyfriend and over the years it's still been really hard having some other woman dictating what happens in my house under the threat of stopping contact.

Just walk away. Don't put yourself through it.

Do you mind me asking some of the things or how she tried to control what was going on in your house?
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 17:47

If you were a friend of mine, I would be saying the following. "Mate, step back from the situation for a minute and be objective. Is someone so capable of lying to people, someone expecting you to remain a secret to make his life easier, someone who is at best a coward, someone who is so irresponsible he suggests having a baby with a secret girlfriend he has been dating for four months, someone who tells that secret girlfriend the minutiae of detail about his ex's behaviour and that of her boyfriend, someone who make decisions based on what's easiest and not what's best... is that really someone you want to be with long term and feel is a suitable role model for your child?"

What would your answer be?

ChargingBuck · 14/12/2021 17:49

She is on benefits. He works and gives her extra money each month, even though he has their child more nights than her.
He is still totally in her thrall.
So much so that he is afraid of her seeing his van not on his drive, in case she questions how he dared to go out without asking her permission ...

Their finances are separate.
Their finances are totally enmeshed - they are a married couple, with a child. She owns 50% of his assets. He is paying her a monthly allowance, despite him being the resident parent. She has a key to his house, & lets herself in whenever she feels like it. She even brings a takeaway, & her boyfriend. He is going to take her on holiday next year.

But ... he wants a baby with you. Go figure.

He's deluded, & lacks backbone.

NowEvenBetter · 14/12/2021 17:49

This brand new boyfriend isn’t free to be dating, he is married, no divorce initiated. He’s proven to be spineless and will be entangled in his current wife’s life for decades, since he has a kid with her. Even if he ever does divorce her, it’ll still be a shitshow. Surely there are less complicated, less baggage boyfriends available if needed.

DinoDinner · 14/12/2021 17:50

Sadly you are not listening to what everyone is telling you.

Sadly some people can't be helped unless they go through it themselves.

Good luck OP to you and your child (which you will have) coz you're going to need it! :(

Darkpheonix · 14/12/2021 17:54

He can't stand her but will pay for her to go on holiday with him and had a cozy night in with a takeaway with her on the OM?

Stepmonstera · 14/12/2021 17:54

Telling dh he had to do DIY in her house because she didn't want to pay someone (she had remarried at this point) Suddenly chopping and changing contact to suit herself but if dh needed to amend it it would usually be a no. Telling us we couldn't get a dog or cat because animals are dirty. If dh ever questioned her parenting decisions she would threaten to stop contact. Demanding that dh started doing every pick up and drop off even though she was the one who moved 4 hours away. when she did used to do some of the driving she would walk into our house if the door was unlocked and order a coffee as though it was a bloody costa. If she got wind of me getting a promotion she would demand more maintenance, she would buy the dsds designer clothes and then tell us we had to pay half on top of the maintenance when dh just lost his job and we were practically on the breadline. He didn't accede to all of these requests by the way. But it was incredibly stressful every time. The one thing dh never did was keep me a secret though. And he always listens to me and took me seriously when i had something to say about it. But more often than not i would bite my tongue because i didn't want to put dh in the position of potentially being alienated from his children. It's so hard enforcing your position as his partner because the most terrifying thing for him was not being able to see his girls so no matter what she said or did, she always held the trump card. Things are calmer now but the girls are 16 and 14 so we don't really have to have much communication with her thank god. I almost walked away so many times and yet I've heard so much worse over the years of what stepmums are expected to put up with on the step parenting board on Mumsnet that i think I've actually gotten away quite lightly.

MsDogLady · 14/12/2021 18:46

OP, you are diminishing yourself by tolerating his clandestine agenda to hide you.

It sounds like this man is emotionally stunted. He may not have romantic feelings for this woman, but he certainly is toxically enmeshed with her. He is gaining validation from their dynamic, and therefore won’t set any healthy boundaries. The truth is he is not truly emotionally available to you and never will be.

You would be very foolish to stay in this triangle.

oviraptor21 · 14/12/2021 19:01

You've only been with him since September. Why so keen to manage his life for him? Sounds like he has been co-existing with the ex for a while now and hasn't seen the need for divorce or rocking the boat. I wouldn't expect anything from him so soon to be honest. It will take a lot more time before he can confidently say that being with you is more important than a reasonably amicable co-operation with his ex.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 19:17

@oviraptor21

You've only been with him since September. Why so keen to manage his life for him? Sounds like he has been co-existing with the ex for a while now and hasn't seen the need for divorce or rocking the boat. I wouldn't expect anything from him so soon to be honest. It will take a lot more time before he can confidently say that being with you is more important than a reasonably amicable co-operation with his ex.
I’m really not. According to him it isn’t amicable. She is always kicking off. She has been diagnosed as bi polar and can snap at the drop of a hat. I am just saying, he can’t have both, ie stay married and also keep me around.
OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 14/12/2021 19:20

Healthy people don't put up with intolerable situations giving some future deadline for change.

They remove themselves from the situation.

No ultimatums. No threats. They remove themselves from a situation.

What will have changed? If you can't walk away now it will only get harder, and the chances of reconciling are blown.

If you don't like it, say so, end it.

You can't control his actions in the way you are acting now.

If you actually stop complaining g, cajoling, interrogating and threatening and act...he will know you are a woman to be taken seriously.

All of this end of January stuff...doesn't wash.