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Original poster

Getting fed up of being a secret

235 replies

Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 11:14

Have NC for this as I have posted other issues which are separate to this and I don’t want them linked.

I have been seeing someone now since beginning of September. We both have one child each, mine 3yrs and his 6yrs.

He is still currently married although the separated early this year. She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him.

She doesn’t know about me yet, which I am fine with as she would probably go mad and make things difficult, but the longer it goes on, the more I am feeling odd about things. Many people, including his friends and even his boss has told him that he needs to get the ball rolling with the divorce now, he was hoping that if he waited long enough, she would do it. I am getting fed up now with being a secret. I stayed at his house a few weeks ago he asked me to walk up the neighbours path. He was at my house last night and she was texting him telling him their son wouldn’t settle and was going crazy at her, he was worried that she was going to take it upon herself to bring him back and would then discover his works van wasn’t there, he then said that he would just have to tell her he was out on a job.

I can understand why he is doing this at the moment but I can’t carry on like it much longer. I have spoken to him about seeking advice and getting the ball rolling with the divorce, he said that he would wait until after Christmas now, so I have now said that it’s up to him what he does, but if he hasn’t made an initial call by the end of January I am gone. The problem is, he is absolutely terrified of her.

I know I have given the end of January as a deadline, but I don’t even know if I will be able to last that long. She wants them to go on holiday next year too, I don’t think I am going to be able to deal with that. I don’t know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable. I am fairly sure that he will be going to her parents house for Christmas Day too because of their son. I know this sounds dodgy, but I do know that they are separated and living apart so it’s not a case of that. I also know that he has no feelings for her at all anymore so he isn’t delaying the divorce for this reason. He is just scared of her reaction as she has been violent in the past.

Do I wait until January? Bring it up now?

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 14/12/2021 14:34

You've been together less than 4 months, he won't tell anyone about you or think about divorce yet you are talking about having a baby?

I take back any parallels to my situation...this is crazy.

sunshine789 · 14/12/2021 14:39

I've read everything and still didnt get why he is terrified of his ex?

Anyway, all that sounds crazy: married guy, who doesnt divorce, his ex living with new boyfriend, but he cant tell that he has someone, and he takes his ex on holiday, and paying for her and her new bf comes with them, his ex has a key and can walk in any time to his house, and cherry on the top - he wants a baby with you, his secret gf. Married man, who goes on holidays with ex, want to have a kid with new gf after dating for 4 months. Thats fantastic!!

I do hope that you will stick to your promise to leave in January and will get out of this crap.

CeriBerry · 14/12/2021 14:39

Hi OP,

I think the divorce thing is a bit of a red herring. My boyfriend is still married to his ex wife and hasn’t got round to sorting them divorce out yet. It doesn’t bother me because I’m very secure in the relationship. I’m not a secret and his ex knows about me. They communicate quite a lot over their shared child but again, I’m not threatened or worried about any of that because I know he’s 100% committed to me and totally moved on from her.

It will be two years since they split up in February and he has mentioned starting the divorce proceedings then because it’s easier after two years separation. If he doesn’t then yes I probably will question him on whether he does intend to do it. But it’s not something I’m actively worried about because I know he sees his future as being with me.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 14:50

@Wookiewoo29

Also, to add, I wouldn't want to be with someone who is so good and comfortable with lying and keeping secrets. Wouldn't feel like I could ever trust my partner. Seems like lying is something he's used to. Walking down neighbours path? Thinking of lies to tell his ex if she were to turn up? No thanks.
Massively, massively this.
Anomelettefortheroad · 14/12/2021 14:58

If you stay with him this woman will always be there in the background, causing trouble. He's not worth the aggro. Id split up.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 15:01

Again, I can understand people thinking this is a pack of lies on his part and that they are still together but they are not. I see messages she sends him , he shows me of his own free will, I do not ask nor am I interested in what she is texting him. Am am 100% sure they are separated, if I wasn’t, it would have even gotten this far.

They lived together, and she moved out when things ended. I know where she lives as he told me, and I also know about her new boyfriend. She even got pregnant not long ago, and miscarried, so I assume they are fairly serious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 15:02

@Anomelettefortheroad

If you stay with him this woman will always be there in the background, causing trouble. He's not worth the aggro. Id split up.
This is what I am starting to think. He is scared that she will make it difficult to see his child and also make the divorce difficult.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 15:03

he wants to have a child with me, and would even have one right now, as in his words, it’s inevitable as we both want another child, and it’s better to do it now or soon rather than years down the line

Mate, he's a prick.

Honestly. He is.

He's happy to tell you that he loves you and wants a child with you sooner rather than later.

But is also happy to shag you then ask you to leave down a neighbours path like a teenager doing the walk of shame after a night out.

Come on now, you know this is ridiculous.

He is in no headspace for a relationship, that's clear. If you can't have one openly, you aren't ready for one. Doesn't matter if that's out of fear of her reaction / still loving her / any other reason. He's not ready.

Tell him to give you a call when his divorce is sorted and he's ready to date someone openly, and that you'll let him know if you're still available and interested at that time.

Don't be someone's secret, it's so shitty for your self esteem. And you both have kids. Life is complicated enough without extra secrets and lies to deal with.

He is someone who would rather lie to keep the peace than tell the truth and face reality. That's NEVER a good choice of partner.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 15:04

@CeriBerry

Hi OP,

I think the divorce thing is a bit of a red herring. My boyfriend is still married to his ex wife and hasn’t got round to sorting them divorce out yet. It doesn’t bother me because I’m very secure in the relationship. I’m not a secret and his ex knows about me. They communicate quite a lot over their shared child but again, I’m not threatened or worried about any of that because I know he’s 100% committed to me and totally moved on from her.

It will be two years since they split up in February and he has mentioned starting the divorce proceedings then because it’s easier after two years separation. If he doesn’t then yes I probably will question him on whether he does intend to do it. But it’s not something I’m actively worried about because I know he sees his future as being with me.

I feel secure in the fact that I believe he doesn’t want to be with her and has no feelings for her, it’s the secrecy that is starting to get to me now and the fact that we seem to do absolutely nothing together.
OP posts:
Skeumorph · 14/12/2021 15:06

Nope nope all the nopes.

There is no good explanation of this.

He's either still interested/involved with her

or

He is in a terribly dysfunctional post-relationship situation with her

or

He's a lazy turd who can't take responsibility for moving forward

or

He's a total coward.

NONE of these are the men you want to be with.

Wave goodbye to Mr Shitshow and tell him to come back when he's a proper grown up free agent.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 15:07

he wants to have a child with me, and would even have one right now, as in his words, it’s inevitable as we both want another child, and it’s better to do it now or soon rather than years down the line

Also this should be a HUGE red flag to you, especially as someone who is already a parent so knows what a huge responsibility this is.

He is telling you, someone he has been dating for only a few months, that he would happily have a baby with you 'now or soon' despite the fact he is not ready to be open about your relationship. Before he has even (presumably?) met your child as your boyfriend. Before you have met his child as his girlfriend.

What an irresponsible ridiculous thing for him to suggest. And worrying that you see this as a positive thing, as proof he is serious about you, rather than a bloody great big red flag that tells you he is not a healthy choice of partner.

Can you see that?

Darkpheonix · 14/12/2021 15:12

Op you have been seeing this man a couple of months and you are talking kids?

They may not be together. But you are being lied to.

Exs do not drop in unannounced with a takeaway with the man they left in tow. They don't. You don't know the full story.

She left for someone else, there's no reason for him to be scared. Especially if they are such good friends, that they turn up with takeaways, unannounced.

It sounds like you are actively trying for a baby, discussing what would happen if you got pregnant. If he is scared of telling her he is seeing someone, why would he be ok with telling he had been seeing someone, didn't tell her and that woman is pregnant.

Again, it doesn't add up.

Who goes on holiday with their ex, pays for it and possibly takes the man she left him for? No one.

You know deep down, he is hiding things from you.

Didn't you say you have a child? Dont drag that child into this mess.

And let's say its all true you know the truth about everything. Does that sound normal and healthy to you? Or does that sound like she will be hovering over your relationship forever?

Darkpheonix · 14/12/2021 15:14

What an irresponsible ridiculous thing for him to suggest. And worrying that you see this as a positive thing, as proof he is serious about you, rather than a bloody great big red flag that tells you he is not a healthy choice of partner.

The only thing I can add, to the above, is that you are irresponsible for not telling him he is being ridiculous.

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 15:17

Argh I know. The more I wrote the crazier it all seems. I guess she has every right to enter the home as she pleases though as they are still married and nothing has been finalised? It is an odd situation. They don’t really get on at all. Well according to him, he can’t stand to be in the her company for more than 5 minutes. This is why the holiday doesn’t make sense to me. She definitely is the type to drop in with her boyfriend though. Her boyfriends car broke down on his drive whilst she was dropping their child off, and she called him to give her boyfriend a lift back. It’s insane. But this is how much of a doormat he is to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 15:18

Regarding the child, I have said that if things worked out…. I would ideally like to do this within a year/18 months, obviously if everything was sorted out first and it was stable. The timeframe is due to age, otherwise I would wait a whole lot longer.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 14/12/2021 15:18

By the sounds of it, all your information has come from him.

There is a reason he is keeping you at arms length.

This ex is in his life daily, if she knows whether his work's van is parked up everyday or not, she is involved with him.

If she had moved on, she would not be monitoring him like this.
Their relationship has not ended.

Phone her, ask her if it has ended.
Are you afraid to do that, afraid of the truth.?

Original poster
Pippitypopp · 14/12/2021 15:21

I don’t have her number, not hat I would contact her. She has a habit of bringing their son back on her days when he is being difficult, that’s why she may have turned up last night, and found that his van was not there.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 15:23

@Pippitypopp

Regarding the child, I have said that if things worked out…. I would ideally like to do this within a year/18 months, obviously if everything was sorted out first and it was stable. The timeframe is due to age, otherwise I would wait a whole lot longer.
Ok, but HE said he would happily have one 'now or soon' which means that he is not someone who makes sensible, healthy decisions or quite frankly is able or willing to put his existing child first by waiting a sensible amount of time getting to know a woman before wanting her to have his next child.

If you were a friend of mine, I would be saying the following. "Mate, step back from the situation for a minute and be objective. Is someone so capable of lying to people, someone expecting you to remain a secret to make his life easier, someone who is at best a coward, someone who is so irresponsible he suggests having a baby with a secret girlfriend he has been dating for four months, someone who tells that secret girlfriend the minutiae of detail about his ex's behaviour and that of her boyfriend, someone who make decisions based on what's easiest and not what's best... is that really someone you want to be with long term and feel is a suitable role model for your child? If you do, you're being ridiculous and you need to sort your head out and focus on your child."

Onthedunes · 14/12/2021 15:25

@Pippitypopp

I don’t have her number, not hat I would contact her. She has a habit of bringing their son back on her days when he is being difficult, that’s why she may have turned up last night, and found that his van was not there.
You have read her messages to him, you must have seen her number.
ChargingBuck · 14/12/2021 15:26

he wants to have a child with me, and would even have one right now, as in his words, it’s inevitable as we both want another child, and it’s better to do it now or soon rather than years down the line

3 months dating - although not actually going on dates, just skulking round his/your house of an evening, no inclination to start his divorce, planning a holiday next year with his wife ... & he wants you to get pregnant?

What do you want?
How content would you feel, if you were pregnant & he's still so scared of his wife he jumps to her bidding instead of focusing on you?
What kind of parent is he going to make, when he is jumping through the hoops his wife presents him with, because he's scared she will stop him seeing their DC?
If he is this scared of loss of contact, why TF is he not sorting that our right now via legal & mediation channels?

He sounds very passive OP. Even his "inevitable" remark about you having a child together is about just letting it happen - rather than taking control, & making active decisions to benefit your lives.

I think you are wise to watch & wait for another month.
You don't want to feel trapped in a relationship where you, & your current & any further DC play second fiddle to a wife he seems unable to let go of.

stayathomegardener · 14/12/2021 15:42

Hang on his estranged wife has no money and can't afford to pay for a holiday but he can pay for both.

That makes zero sense, if they are not divorced yet they don't have separate finances.

Do not get tangled up with with such a man, immaterial of anything else he sounds financially abusive.

Faevern · 14/12/2021 15:44

He has too much emotional baggage. He hasn't checked out mentally as he is scared of her. So even if he did push ahead with the divorce he will be at her beck and call. That is not the same as co-parenting.

It is not usual for her to have a key if they are separated.

Why doesn't she go on holiday with her new boyfriend?
Why would he choose to spend Christmas day with her and not you, he can make other arrangements to see his child?

Pushing him for a divorce is not going to change the situation, he has to make his own decisions. You have said yourself it will escalate when she finds out about you. I would be ending it because I would not want my life filled with drama and conflict for the next decade or more.

littleburn · 14/12/2021 15:46

I just don't get how you can be attracted to someone who's such a door mat to his ex. Such major, major ick factor!

I agree with other posters that the divorce is a red herring - he'd still be cowering and scared of upsetting her if they got divorced tomorrow.

It's only been a few months OP, you don't have any major commitment to this bloke, why not just get out now?

ravenmum · 14/12/2021 15:54

So basically you're prepared to put up with this crap treatment as you're 40 and he's willing to have a child with you?

Be very careful OP - what does he get out of this? Nothing financial I hope?

ravenmum · 14/12/2021 15:55

Have NC for this as I have posted other issues which are separate to this and I don’t want them linked
Make sure you are not playing with fire.

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