Getting fed up of being a secret

[Pippitypopp]

Have NC for this as I have posted other issues which are separate to this and I don’t want them linked.

I have been seeing someone now since beginning of September. We both have one child each, mine 3yrs and his 6yrs.

He is still currently married although the separated early this year. She was cheating and left the home. She is still with him.

She doesn’t know about me yet, which I am fine with as she would probably go mad and make things difficult, but the longer it goes on, the more I am feeling odd about things. Many people, including his friends and even his boss has told him that he needs to get the ball rolling with the divorce now, he was hoping that if he waited long enough, she would do it. I am getting fed up now with being a secret. I stayed at his house a few weeks ago he asked me to walk up the neighbours path. He was at my house last night and she was texting him telling him their son wouldn’t settle and was going crazy at her, he was worried that she was going to take it upon herself to bring him back and would then discover his works van wasn’t there, he then said that he would just have to tell her he was out on a job.

I can understand why he is doing this at the moment but I can’t carry on like it much longer. I have spoken to him about seeking advice and getting the ball rolling with the divorce, he said that he would wait until after Christmas now, so I have now said that it’s up to him what he does, but if he hasn’t made an initial call by the end of January I am gone. The problem is, he is absolutely terrified of her.

I know I have given the end of January as a deadline, but I don’t even know if I will be able to last that long. She wants them to go on holiday next year too, I don’t think I am going to be able to deal with that. I don’t know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable. I am fairly sure that he will be going to her parents house for Christmas Day too because of their son. I know this sounds dodgy, but I do know that they are separated and living apart so it’s not a case of that. I also know that he has no feelings for her at all anymore so he isn’t delaying the divorce for this reason. He is just scared of her reaction as she has been violent in the past.

Do I wait until January? Bring it up now?

@Serendipity79

OP I'm afraid you're being spun a line here. My ex told everyone we'd separated but he couldn't abandon me because I was suicidal. This gave him a)sympathy from all the women he worked with b) opportunity to begin an emotional affair with one of them c) a get out of jail free card for when he wanted to ditch her. Unfortunately for him I got wind of the behaviour and threw him out. And it wasn't the first time - I'd already forgiven the same thing once previously.

I don't honestly believe that this woman is with a new bloke, who's popping round for takeaways with her and her ex! She's off on holiday with her ex next year and texting him repeatedly and yet he isn't in some way involved with her - really?

Asking you to walk up the neighbours path should have been a massive red flag - he wants to keep you as a secret. He's either lying to you about the break up or he's still very much hoping they will get back together.

I'd throw this one back - you can do better

“I’d throw this one back”

100%. You deserve better chick

If he wanted to get a divorce he could very easily and cheaply. I would leave it. If he gets a divorce and comes back to you you can then have a think about it.

The bottom line is he isn't available. Until he is, you are setting yourself up for heartache and being messed around. Raise your benchmarks, they are too low.

Just remove yourself from the picture and see if things get sorted. However, you may have moved on yourself by then. He has a lot to prove to you.

He's cheating on his partner with you, once a cheater always a cheater

Just think about that as he'll cheat on you at some point. What a catch

@user1471538283

If he wanted to get a divorce he could very easily and cheaply. I would leave it. If he gets a divorce and comes back to you you can then have a think about it.

This isn't strictly true though. Yes the divorce itself isn't too expensive but if you want to properly sort finances/assets at the same time then that's not the case. I am into the thousands and my decree nisi is only just about to be read. This is for a fairly amicable divorce but I want to make sure me and our children keep the roof over our heads and solicitor's time isn't cheap.

Luckily I have parents who can load me the money until my ex has to pay his share of the costs but not everyone has that option or thousands in the bank ready.

Why would you even get to the point of waiting for him to divorce when he's being so disrespectful to you at this stage, at the start of the relationship, when people are normally trying to make a good impression?

Honestly, on this forum people often say that some awful guy acted really nicely at the start and then his real character came out later. This one isn't even pretending to be respectful.

Just why would you bother with that?

I have been seeing someone for about a month.

I have known him for 4 years during which time he had been in a relationship. I know her amd we are linked on social media so a bit awkward. He left his partner and moved out on days before our first date. I'm not getting in the whys and wherefores but there was no overlap.

Our mutual friends guessed. He has told his mum amd his sister that he has been on a few dates with someone else; told his other friends about (some of whom I'veet previously) and he is going round this week to tell his ex.

He wanted to leave it until after Christmas Our of respect for her but realised it was more respectful to he honest with her now rather than have her find out from someone else or realise months down the line that we had been seeing each other for a while.

I wouldn't tolerate what you are tolerating. At all. It's disrespectful to both you and her.

OP you know this isn't right. He is having a laugh with you. You are going along with it. I would stop seeing him until he has been divorced and this odd relationship with his wife has some boundaries to it.

I dated a guy at the very start of his breakup and went through the divorce. I understand where ur coming from about feeling like a secret and i used to get hurt and upset when hed lie about when he was with me. I get it he was just doing it to make life easier as he couldnt be bothered with the argument. Eventually he did tell her. She had already moved on but had a big problem with us. Divorces can be messy, expensive and stressful which i think is why he is putting it off i dont think he has feelings for her at all i think he just wants a peaceful period and to enjoy his relationship with you. In saying that i gave my partener an ultimatium as his ex wife used to ring him asking for help with things in the house or their business and he would always say yes. I told him if this doesnt stop im walking as i have nothing to lose and im not being the other woman while she has u wrapped round her finger. He soon wised up. In my opinion he is just trying to avoid the stress especially with their child but he needs to get the ball rolling emotionally aswell to cut all ties to this woman

Thanks everyone. I really wish I had said something now when he said about a month ago that he would leave it until after Christmas. I should have ended it then and said to contact me when he had done something.

I know how it all sounds, I would think the same as many of you. But they are definitely not together, her boyfriend does exist, some of ‘our’ mutual friend have even met him. I am actually starting to think that even if he does sort the divorce out, he will forever be living in fear of her and essentially be under her thumb. I wouldn’t treat my own partner like that, so I sure as hell won’t have another woman ordering him about. Unless he grows some balls though, that’s what it is going to be like, and that will be enough to make the relationship fail anyway.

I really wish I had said something now when he said about a month ago that he would leave it until after Christmas. I should have ended it then and said to contact me when he had done something.

You're allowed to change your mind about what you're comfortable with. You can still do this now.

If someone I had been dating for 3 months demanded I start my divorce then I would be ending the relationship. I am glad my partner has been more understanding and can separate still being legally married from still loving my ex. It's often more complicated than that.

Obviously the keeping you a secret is a separate thing and I think you can have more of a say on that but not on his divorce status. If it bothers you that much then maybe check before going on a date with someone that they are definitely divorced.

@Covidtrap

I dated a guy at the very start of his breakup and went through the divorce. I understand where ur coming from about feeling like a secret and i used to get hurt and upset when hed lie about when he was with me. I get it he was just doing it to make life easier as he couldnt be bothered with the argument. Eventually he did tell her. She had already moved on but had a big problem with us. Divorces can be messy, expensive and stressful which i think is why he is putting it off i dont think he has feelings for her at all i think he just wants a peaceful period and to enjoy his relationship with you. In saying that i gave my partener an ultimatium as his ex wife used to ring him asking for help with things in the house or their business and he would always say yes. I told him if this doesnt stop im walking as i have nothing to lose and im not being the other woman while she has u wrapped round her finger. He soon wised up. In my opinion he is just trying to avoid the stress especially with their child but he needs to get the ball rolling emotionally aswell to cut all ties to this woman

I do genuinely believe that he has no feelings for her and hasn’t for a very long time. He is a quiet and reserved type and I do believe that he is genuinely scared of her.

I do think that she will go berserk when she finds out he has started seeing someone else, despite the fact that she has been with her new boyfriend for a fair amount of time, no idea what the timeframe was for the overlap. Our friend said that he was the same throughout there relationship, she was dominant and always got what she wanted. He has always been scared of her. What bugs me also now is that we haven’t actually done anything, he comes to my house in the week when he hasn’t got his child and that’s it, oh and we have been out once on a night out with our mutual friends. He took his son to a Christmas wonderland thing with her on Sunday, which I was absolutely fine with, but it would be nice if we could do something like that too. I don’t know, the situation is really starting to get me down now.

She still has a key and turned up as and when she pleases. When I started at his house, he actually left the key turned in the lock in case she turned up unannounced and came walking in. I mean, even when she does know about us and the divorce is under way, I am not going to be happy with that, of course I can’t say anything as it is not my house and is nothing to do with me.

@Sunshineandflipflops

If someone I had been dating for 3 months demanded I start my divorce then I would be ending the relationship. I am glad my partner has been more understanding and can separate still being legally married from still loving my ex. It's often more complicated than that.

Obviously the keeping you a secret is a separate thing and I think you can have more of a say on that but not on his divorce status. If it bothers you that much then maybe check before going on a date with someone that they are definitely divorced.

I am not demanding he start proceedings. The problem is, he had no intention of ever doing it, instead he was hoping she would as things start to get more serious between her and her boyfriend. He said it didn’t even occur to him to bother because he doesn’t even feel married. He is welcome to stay married, he is even welcome to move her back in and try again if he wants, but for my own sanity, I can’t carry on being a secret and I don’t want to be with a married man forever.

Sorry for typos, meant to read when I stayed at his house.

This is partly why it took me 4 years to start my divorce - it was my ex who had an affair so i figured he would initiate the divorce and bear the brunt of the costs but he didn't and although my partner has been v understanding, I thought 2 years into our relationship it was probably time to get things rolling but it took me that long to feel mentally ready for the stress and I have still have a few breakdowns over it now.

I think he has to be ready himself but you are also entitled to walk away if it doesn't meet your acceptable time frames.

I haven't felt married since the day my ex left and I had more to concentrate on than divorce for a long time.

I would stop seeing him and say call me when you are free to date who you want. He is ridiculous.

@Sunshineandflipflops

This is partly why it took me 4 years to start my divorce - it was my ex who had an affair so i figured he would initiate the divorce and bear the brunt of the costs but he didn't and although my partner has been v understanding, I thought 2 years into our relationship it was probably time to get things rolling but it took me that long to feel mentally ready for the stress and I have still have a few breakdowns over it now.

I think he has to be ready himself but you are also entitled to walk away if it doesn't meet your acceptable time frames.

I haven't felt married since the day my ex left and I had more to concentrate on than divorce for a long time.

If he isn’t ready, he isn’t ready, that is okay, but he doesn’t want this to end, and I can’t stay if it carries on like it is for much longer. We are not young, he is 43 and I am 40. We have said the L word, not that that means anything, and he wants to have a child with me, and would even have one right now, as in his words, it’s inevitable as we both want another child, and it’s better to do it now or soon rather than years down the line. Sorry to drip feed that information, I didn’t think it was relevant to start with.

He wants to give her child a sibling but won't tell her he's got a girlfriend? JFC... run.

I can really relate to all this. He does need to make more of an effort even taking you out for dinner etc qnd i would be saying that like we dont do much where is this going? In saying that its a difficult one as its only been 4 months. I didnt consider myself serious woth my partener until about 7 months but i loved him sooner and supported him through the divorce. He like ur bf appeared afraid almost he used to say she would be the type to say dads seeing his new gf he doesnt care about u to their daughter. And i would believe this too. It would be nice i think if u could at least meet his family as u r clearly a support to him right now and he needs to show u that u r appreciated aswell. As for the her walking into the house thing thats too far for me. He should get the locks changed if thats the case. My partener had to literally hire the removal company to move his ex out and basically get her new appartment ready for her and her daughter to move into as he just wanted her out of his life so seen this as the onl way to do it. Fast forward a year we r free of her. If u stick to it things may well work out but please make sure u sit down and tell him how u feel even if its every week its important u feel supported too right now as its difficult for u too, u feel hidden and like ur sneaking around and u dont want that. Dont be afraid to say that ur not being unreasonable at all

And would this potential child be a secret too?

I wouldn't give him a deadline for January, I'd just tell him to come back when his head is in the right place and he's brave enough to be open and honest- if you've not met someone else in the meantime you might give it another go.

Don't let him treat you like this!

@FlorrieLindley

And would this potential child be a secret too?

He said that if it were to happen now, it would finalise everything. I’m guessing that he realised then that he would be forced to tell her and everything would be sorted in one go, including living arrangements I guess.

I know we are not in this situation but from the outside of what you have said it all sounds likes lies.

I believe he still loves her.
Whatever happened with them breaking up he is still lying.

Did they always have separate homes? I know many younger people do with one claiming as a single parent and the dad pretending to be separate.
If he was truly not in love with her there would be no way he would be happy about her new reationship and have had pizza with them and not be able to speak your name.

This new man is made up, a brother, or a gay friend or doesn't exist.

He is still wth her, they may not sleep under the same roof currently, but they are still a family and she is his priority.
Whether she is enforcing boundaries in their marriage and he doesn't like it, he is using you.

This sounds like a pattern that is repeated with them and him being quiet and unasumming means nothing, they are usually the worst, the most covert.

I really woudn't be wasting any time in this triangle, if you want an answer, phone her up ask her the situation because he's feeding you a croc of shit.

The mutual friends thing also is not a true test of someones ability to tell the truth, liars lie to many people.

He said that if it were to happen now, it would finalise everything. I’m guessing that he realised then that he would be forced to tell her and everything would be sorted in one go, including living arrangements I guess.

You're very switched on. Don't fall into this trap. He could so easily change his mind and either still keep you his little secret or beg you to have an abortion when he realises he doesn't want to admit the truth.