I resent my husbands hobby

[Bongbingboo1]

My husband is a keen ultra runner and is only happy when he is training for something that will push his body to the limit.

We have 4 young children, a dog and I work full time. My mental health isn't great but I can't decide if it's me or if he's being selfish.

He's a good dad and works really hard and we have a good relationship generally.

But....

He doesn't enjoy any family activity even though I try and adapt it around his training schedule. He finds holidays a chore as he says it's too intense being altogether. When he's not running he's tired from being out running so likes to sit and watch tv and he literally does nothing to help/organise in the house or for the children.
If I ask him several times he might remember to do something. He's constantly on his phone talking to other runners and it's his only chat and I find it boring.

I'm really starting to resent him doing it. He loves the praise he gets when he shares his posts on social media while I sit there silently seething about him not being there while I've been battling with homework or struggling round the supermarket.

So what I'm asking how do you support a partners hobby while not wishing he might trip up and maybe be stay at home for a bit??? Are there any other running wives/husbands on here??

So he is obviously happy to make dc (4)but not to actually parent them? Ltb and enjoy 50 %peace and quiet. Your mh will thank you for it.
Yanbu to kick off big time op.

At least send the ddog out running with him while you reconsider your future..

Do you get as much "you time" as he spends on his sport...if you don't it's out of balance?

I think it's OK for him to have a hobby but not to indulge it to the extent that he is at the detriment to family life and not doing his share of chores or taking care of the kids. That's not OK. Can you discuss reaching a compromise with him? Like if he's out all day running on Saturday, then Sunday he's looking after the kids so you can pursue your own hobby or quite frankly do whatever you want to do. That's fair.

He sounds like a piss poor father and an incredibly selfish partner.

Just another man with hobby as cover to avoid family "boring" stuff.

Time to even the balance, make sure you get equal free time and find a hobby of your own.

You must be exhausted working full time and making four children plus all the housework? Your husband sounds incredibly selfish. I couldn’t stay in the marriage because I would question how he can actually love and care for me yet allow me to run myself ragged.

What does he bring to your life? To the kids’ lives?

^^ *managing four children, not making!

I’d suggest you piss off out and leave him with the 4 kids he had the energy to create, and have your own ‘me’ time.

You're living with an addict. Just because his drug of choice is healthy, you don't see it.

He doesn't get to opt out of everything else.

I'd be making an ultimatum that he pulls his shit together, or he leaves. Good luck running and being on his phone constantly when it's his turn to have his 4 children. Selfish prick!

I have a great group of friends who I see regularly and he would never stop me doing anything, but he reminds me of this all the time, which I'm also finding very irritating.

He wants the nice bits of family life where children never answer back or argue so when there is some kind of conflict (we have 2 teenage daughters) he goes mad saying this is why he goes out all the time. If we have a weekend of parties or homework he also gets annoyed.

I actually think we would be better off with him being a weekend Dad (as long as it didn't interfere with his long Sunday run of course).

I could say that I was off for some me time but honestly I don't want to go out all the time. I would quite like a lie in without being bothered or the chance to watch tv in peace.

Set him free to run to his heart’s content.
He is an absent parent and husband.

This is terrible OP and something needs to be done

it is not the hobby that is the problem, it is his failure to pull his weight the rest of the time.

make a list of the 'household work' that you do - not just cooking / cleaning but also organising, planning and EVERYTHING. Sit down & show him the list. Point out that you can't continue doing this much and what is he going to take on.

Then find your own hobby & get out of the house & leave him to it.

Well he is basically a shit father and a shit husband.

He picks the bits he enjoys and refuses to do the hard work coming with parenting and running a house.

It’s not the hobby that is the issue. It’s him and his attitude towards you.

How have you got to 4 kids and not addressed this?!

Have you actually told him how you feel? Why are you “silently seething” - he can’t change if he doesn’t know there’s a problem.

It's a common theme on MN I'm afraid.

It doesn't matter if it's cycling, running, golf, hiking or fishing, it's just a cover to do less than the woman, less parenting ,less house work etc.

Time men realised that going to work doesn't automatically make them a 'great dad' and it doesn't give them a right to avoid family work, it isn't the 50s anymore.

Let me guess - you don't have equal leisure time. Doesn't sound like he does his fair share if he's out running or parked on the sofa!

He sounds awful OP, lazy and inconsiderate and not a good father to your kids.

You’d be better off telling him to leave then he’d have to pull his weight for the time he has the kids and you’d get some time to yourself to do whatever you like without him making out he’s doing you some kind of favour.

He's a good dad and works really hard and we have a good relationship generally.

No he’s not! Everything you go on to say illustrates just how awful a dad he actually is.

How long has he been running like this? Before he had 4 children he resents spending time with?

How’s he a good partner? He’s not. He’s selfish, lazy and useless. You’d all be much much happier without him.

He is not a good dad

You lost me at not enjoying time with his family.

He sounds a shit dad and husband and I wouldn't be putting up with it.

My DP is an ultra runner. It isn’t his hobby you resent, it’s his using it as an excuse to check out of life.

Full disclosure we don’t have kids which makes it easier, but if he’s training for something big and we have plans (or want to have plans) on a weekend he will get up at 4am to get his long run done so we can visit friends, or go Christmas shopping, or walk the fucking dog. He arranges his runs around us not the other way round. He asked his coach to structure his training plan so he gets one day a weekend to do something with me. He loves his running and I fully support it because it makes him happy, but he also still makes me very happy.

Your DP sounds like he resents his life getting in the way of his hobby, but really wants someone to be there to look after all the life admin he doesn’t have time for. Him saying he goes out to avoid family issues; where is your option to do this?!

If it wasn’t running it would be golf or cycling or computer games. He’s looking for an excuse.

He sounds like a rubbish Dad. When do you get a break? It's really sad he doesn't enjoy spending time with the children. I can't fathom why you have gone on to have 4 children with this man 🤷🏻‍♀️