I resent my husbands hobby

[Bongbingboo1]

My husband is a keen ultra runner and is only happy when he is training for something that will push his body to the limit.

We have 4 young children, a dog and I work full time. My mental health isn't great but I can't decide if it's me or if he's being selfish.

He's a good dad and works really hard and we have a good relationship generally.

But....

He doesn't enjoy any family activity even though I try and adapt it around his training schedule. He finds holidays a chore as he says it's too intense being altogether. When he's not running he's tired from being out running so likes to sit and watch tv and he literally does nothing to help/organise in the house or for the children.
If I ask him several times he might remember to do something. He's constantly on his phone talking to other runners and it's his only chat and I find it boring.

I'm really starting to resent him doing it. He loves the praise he gets when he shares his posts on social media while I sit there silently seething about him not being there while I've been battling with homework or struggling round the supermarket.

So what I'm asking how do you support a partners hobby while not wishing he might trip up and maybe be stay at home for a bit??? Are there any other running wives/husbands on here??

Classics avoidance from a selfish partner. Make something important (job, hobbies,
Volunteering, non exec
Roles bla bla bla) such a big time commitments out can't possibly do anything around the house. And when your not working/hobbling you need to relax because it's all so exhausting and stressful.

Meanwhile you have been running 5 DC (yes DP essentially is a dead weight) a house, your own job, kids clubs, shopping ....

If you allow it to carry on like this your are saying to your DC that this is what women do. Bend themselves out of shape to keep men happy.

He's not a good partner and he's certainly not a good dad. A good dad would want to show DDs how he respects and appreciates the women in his life.

I suggest you have a good think about what you are getting out of this partnership. Is this what you wanted for yourself. You've already tried to address the balance a few times and he makes pitiful gestures of showing he cares. He knows what he's doing. He just thinks he's going to continue to get away with it indefinitely.

The hobby is just an excuse. I think you need a proper discussion about what needs to change - or else. Good luck OP been there myself and not much fun

I think you've done the right thing Op.

He is acting utterly selfishly. He thinks you're there to run the family and home, while he disappears of for days / weeks on end. Then when he is around that's all he thinks / talks about. He's checked out of family life.

It's great to have a hobby but not OK for that hobby to impact negatively on your OH / children / family life. And your DH is putting his hobby above all else.

Stay strong. You deserve better than the scraps he is throwing you.

You are right you can be happier on your own. You do all the parenting anyway but it will be easier when you don’t have another adult working against you or an extra ‘child’. He wants his childfree life back. Every time he didn’t cut back and prioritise his family he was goading you to end it, because he’s too cowardly to do it. My family isn’t ‘ruined’. The dc are confident and successful older teens who happen to live with one parent not two.Turns out DC only need one awesome parent. You will feel angry, you will look back and see he was always selfish and you missed the signs, you will still feel resentment when his life caries on unhindered by childcare. But it won’t be in your face all day every day wearing you down. Mentally you will feel in control and lighter. And proud when your DC go off into the world knowing you did a great job and gave them a home where everyone was valued and wonderful memories you created where he wasn’t there sucking the fun out it. Once you have your own space away from him your confidence in yourself will come back. The lashing out is guilt. He knows this is on him and because he stopped enjoying being a parent and selfishly checked out. You don’t have to sort everything immediately we just split bank accounts and I stayed in family house. We didn’t start divorce for 2 years which meant I could see how he was with dc after the initial enthusiasm wore off. Do not underestimate the ability of a selfish self absorbed man to walk away from his dc and justify it. I want to reassure you that while the first year will be tough with emotions flying everyone will be fine in the end and it’s much better to separate when dc live at home and you can help them through it than wait. This isn’t the life you want for yourself for the next 40+ years.

This has escalated quickly and you may find yourself doubting things now it's been a day or two. It's okay to hang fire until the new year.

He's a good dad and works really hard and we have a good relationship generally.

I'll accept that he works hard ... but so do you.

When is he finding time to be a good dad though? Or any kind of dad at all?
He's made 4 children, & appears to never look after them, & he even resents spending time with them: he "doesn't enjoy" family activities, finds spending time with his own wife & children "too intense" & doesn't even enjoy holiday time with you all.

He sounds a total bore & a selfish arse.
Apart from work, run, & watch tv - what does he do?
What does he add to your lives?

How would it feel if he took 50/50 responsibility for running a home & caring for his DC? How much more free time could you have, what would you spend it doing, & how much better do you think your MH would be?

You could ask him when he's going to start participating in family life again. Point out that if he doesn't choose to do so voluntarily, he can find out what being a parent & running a house is all about, post-divorce. You sound like you are run ragged, & he isn't making any effort at all. It's not sustainable.
What do you want to happen? (short of him having an epiphany, which is vanishingly unlikely.)

He has told me to sort it out and tell the children straight away as I obviously want to ruin their christmas.

What a surprise. You even have to do all the legwork to get a divorce in motion. With a nice little snide side helping of manipulation & guilt tripping. Because he's not going to self-examine, or change his selfish lifestyle, is he?

The kids will adjust, I imagine they don't see much of him other than his speeding form running away from family life, or slumped in front of the telly refusing to engage anyway.

They & you will benefit from the lift your mental health is going to get when you are no longer the sole default parent, & the life administrator who is trying to make family life function around a barely-existent dad. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your kids. I'm sorry you've had to put up with so much selfishness & opting-out.

My DH is similar but with a combination of work/exercise. Essentially they are avoidant behaviours. Someone mentioned above about addiction. Seriously, they hit the nail on the head. I think you’ve tolerated a lot and for a long time. If you start asking for balance I reckon he’d resist and/or resent. So many entitled fkrs out there. It still really is a man’s world.

What a twat.

I would have been tempted to tell him the kids wouldn't even notice he was gone!

Is he actually around during the holidays or is he at running parties?

Like PP mentioned, call around to talk to a couple of solicitors now so you can get things rolling 1st of the year.
You've already told him too so nothing more to discuss with him.

@WTF475878237NC

This has escalated quickly and you may find yourself doubting things now it's been a day or two. It's okay to hang fire until the new year.

Waiting for what though? He doesn't want to have a family with all the messy bits. Why should OP hang around to give him an accessory while he does none of the hard work?

He knows she's unhappy, he doesn't care. I don't see how that's fixable.

I would have been tempted to tell him the kids wouldn't even notice he was gone!

I thought similar.

Pretty sad, immature and brutal response by your DH to saying you’re unhappy in marriage .

I think the deal is/was he’s the main breadwinner so you have lots of children and can live in a big house, and he calls the shots once the mortgage etc is paid.

He has the most to lose from a divorce actually. But obviously too pig-headed to see that (yet).

But he might, soon, and could get nasty.

Lawyer up.

Have a plan for Xmas to take the sting out of current crisis for you and the kids. Go away/family?

I think the kids will be fine OP. As others have said, how will they be able to tell that anything's changed?!
He sounds like a massive prick. You OTOH sound lovely and will definitely meet someone else who isn't a massive prick.

Please make sure you get a shit hot lawyer (SHL). Sounds like he checked out of the marriage a long time ago. I very much doubt he is going to play nice or play fair.

He sounds like a total,total prick op. A "hobby", is one thing but an obsessiv all-consuming hobby and refusing to help with HIS OWN children is a fucking piss take.

He's having his cake and eating it. I'd demand immediate change (two running sessions per week -like 2 x 2hrs -and none of the other nonsense; no sitting on his phone chatting to other runners and ignoring his responsibilities, and no sitting in front of the tele because he's too tired to help).

If he refused to cooperate with this change I'd divorce him.

Oh- you are divorcing him. Very good. He'll probably get nasty, prepare yourself and know that YADNBU.

In my experience life without a selfish husband is far better than life with one for both me and DD… it just took 6 months to adapt (sell house, buy house, divorce etc..). I’d wait until after Xmas, tell the kids and then move things along. Good luck!

Great OP. Let him run fast and far out of your lives. You'll never look back, only to wonder why you tolerated it so long.

He's calling your bluff? That's a risky little game if yours is no bluff. And if his game is to assume a bluff or at least okay the idea of a separation - instead of going for a solve, a fix and a compromise - he goes for full agreement coupled with emotional blackmail/ attack of "ruining Christmas " then it's really dead in the sand isn't it? Because either he wants it over, or is playing games, when you've laid the truth on the line. Either way he's shown his cards. None of them show love, remorse , willingness to change or willingness to make any effort or have meaningful conversation and communication with you.

So you told him you’re unhappy and want out after many many warnings and his response is a hard knock and essentially a F you rather than a hug and a promise to compromise. All you want is some of his time and his response is to fuck you off. He’d rather see you go than make any kind of small concession or compromise. What an entitled selfish difficult disgusting man. He’s abhorrent. You can do better. So much better. Go through with it. Find somebody who wants to spend time with you. This is a shit life you are living. What’s the point? You might as well be on your own and not feeling like crap every day and at least have a chance of meeting someone you are compatible with. As for the threats about the kids I’m sure they won’t be surprised or bothered. Tell them on your own. Surround them with hugs and reassurances and say that their lives won’t change it’s just that Dad makes you really unhappy so he will live somewhere else and the rest of you will carry on with your lives as they are right now. I’m so sorry you are in this position. You can do this

My DP had lots of hobby’s when we first met, cricket, golf and gym/cycling, once we had kids he had to drop a hobby or 2, luckily he dropped the most time consuming one, cricket And cycling He was pretty selfish with his hobbies and there was many arguments regarding them but we’ve come to a compromise of he plays golf every other Sunday and one evening midweek (instead of the gym) and now our daughter is older he prefers to play first thing in the morning on Sunday’s so he can still have the afternoon with us. It makes me feel like a control freak at times dictating when he play but if At the end of the day we’re a family now and this comes first, why should I single parent all weekend while he gets his hobby time. Your partner sounds like he’s obsessed with his hobby (like my partner was) he’s obviously not seeing how selfish he’s being at the minute! Maybe the fact you’ve told him how unhappy you are and that you actually don’t want to be in this marriage anymore may make him realize his selfishness!