I resent my husbands hobby

[Bongbingboo1]

My husband is a keen ultra runner and is only happy when he is training for something that will push his body to the limit.

We have 4 young children, a dog and I work full time. My mental health isn't great but I can't decide if it's me or if he's being selfish.

He's a good dad and works really hard and we have a good relationship generally.

But....

He doesn't enjoy any family activity even though I try and adapt it around his training schedule. He finds holidays a chore as he says it's too intense being altogether. When he's not running he's tired from being out running so likes to sit and watch tv and he literally does nothing to help/organise in the house or for the children.
If I ask him several times he might remember to do something. He's constantly on his phone talking to other runners and it's his only chat and I find it boring.

I'm really starting to resent him doing it. He loves the praise he gets when he shares his posts on social media while I sit there silently seething about him not being there while I've been battling with homework or struggling round the supermarket.

So what I'm asking how do you support a partners hobby while not wishing he might trip up and maybe be stay at home for a bit??? Are there any other running wives/husbands on here??

What do you want, OP?

Do you want him to run less and be more involved in family life, or has the resentment already set in so you already dislike him and his self-centred attention-seeking ways? Basically, would your lives (you and DC) be better or worse if he was around more? Does he add anything positive or is he usually selfish, stressy, lazy and disinterested?

@Slowchimes

I feel I need to exclude him and have fun with the kids without him, rather than wait for him to come home. He is missing out as we have 4 brilliant kids. It might spur him on to make it more balanced or it might be the push I need to tell him to jog on.

Obviously it's down to you how you handle this situation that he has caused, but I wouldn't exclude him further, as this will let him get away with his selfish behaviour even more! I would be packing my suitcase and telling him he is in charge of the dc and the household for at least a fortnight. He can hardly complain if he goes away for three weeks at a time. I wouldn't give him much notice either!

Actually this is a brilliant idea. I prescribe two weeks holiday for you before coming back and dumping him. Starting immediately.

He finds holidays a chore as he says it's too intense being altogether. When he's not running he's tired from being out running so likes to sit and watch tv and he literally does nothing to help/organise in the house or for the children.

He wants the nice bits of family life where children never answer back or argue so when there is some kind of conflict (we have 2 teenage daughters) he goes mad saying this is why he goes out all the time. If we have a weekend of parties or homework he also gets annoyed.

How can you possibly say he's a good dad, knowing the above to be true?

The cognitive dissonance it takes to have not just one but four children with a man who is very clearly not a good dad, but to still call him a good dad is staggering.

It's something I think you need to unpick in counselling as it's holding you back from addressing the reality of your situation.

Men like him are ten a penny. They don't want to do what's necessary to actually have a happy family, they want a family that looks happy to other people as a status symbol.

He's a shit dad.

You are not alone op. Doesn't sound like he's bringing much to the table. Would life be much different without him there?

Not an ultra but for a while I did quite a lot of half marathons with training runs of up to about 18 miles. Usually done on a Saturday evening after DC had been bathed and fed and were tucked up on the sofa watching a DVD or Strictly - ie not opting out of the day but getting through it and running in what would otherwise be evening downtime. Tell DH that as he's too tired to contribute post run he needs to earn his hobby time by contributing beforehand. If I could do it as a solo female runner running after dark then he certainly can.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP, but you do sound like just a checkbox for your DH's career and social status, rather than a lover/best friend/life partner etc.

There have been many posts like yours on Mumsnet and I'm always left thinking that the OPs would soar if they could bear to actually leave and start the long road to a more fulfilled life.

Good father’s are present and involved in the day to day work of child rearing. Fathers sit at the table and try not to scream during math homework, they cancel weekend plans because a kid is sick, and often they just have to prioritize children over themselves.

You should be sharing equally the work of taking care of the family and running the household. It doesn’t matter who earns more money. It doesn’t matter how passionate he is about his personal activities.

I learnt a new word last week. Bangmaid. It hurts me to even say it. It’s terribly derogatory but so descriptive. But I look at what some women write about their lives and worry for them.

You don’t have to stay with him and suffer this.
You have a choice.

When you have children, your own hobbies and desires take a back seat. This is a fundamental part of parenting. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it is to have 4 children, a dog and work full time with very little help. You need to have an extremely firmly worded conversation with him. I absolutely would not stand for this shit.

@AmandaHugenkiss

My DP is an ultra runner. It isn’t his hobby you resent, it’s his using it as an excuse to check out of life.

Full disclosure we don’t have kids which makes it easier, but if he’s training for something big and we have plans (or want to have plans) on a weekend he will get up at 4am to get his long run done so we can visit friends, or go Christmas shopping, or walk the fucking dog. He arranges his runs around us not the other way round. He asked his coach to structure his training plan so he gets one day a weekend to do something with me. He loves his running and I fully support it because it makes him happy, but he also still makes me very happy.

Your DP sounds like he resents his life getting in the way of his hobby, but really wants someone to be there to look after all the life admin he doesn’t have time for. Him saying he goes out to avoid family issues; where is your option to do this?!

If it wasn’t running it would be golf or cycling or computer games. He’s looking for an excuse.

This is exactly how it should be..

My STBX had a hobby like this. He would say ‘Am I needed for anything this weekend’ -ie the expectation was that he would be going his hobby unless specifically required for something snd preferably not. I always took the kids to their stuff -he would only grudgingly do it if I was actually ill or had an unavoidable work commitment. He also trained early weekday mornings snd some evenings too.
I wish I put up with it. Other people he knew were committed but still had a normal family life.
It reminds me of the Olympic rower (forgotten his name) who was married to Beverly Turner and decided he was going off to Cambridge to do another degree etc. When they split she was amazed at the lovely (fairly normal mundane) things her new partner did for her that the new partner thought were perfectly normal in a relationship but that she had never had with selfish git. I am the now with someone who has a lot of absorbing hobbies but in a proportionate way.

I mean I wish I hadn’t put up with it

Whose idea was it to have so many kids? He doesn’t seem particularly interested as a father.

I work full time and train for fairly long distance races but I fit it around what the rest of my family are doing. I'll get up early or go at the time of day that impacts my husband the least.

It does mean though that I can't just sit down when I get back. For example on Sunday morning I ran 18 miles cross country and then didn't rest till 8pm. Not complaining at all but that's the compromise. My attitude is I already opted out of part of the day and did the thing for "me", so I don't get to opt out when I get back too.

I hope your DH can see what impact he's having on you because the hobby shouldn't come first! It's an indulgence.

If you exclude him make sure he knows why at the start, otherwise he'll blame you and have no idea it's his fault.

If it were me I'd write down my grievances and offer for him to do the same. Doesn't matter if he says there's no need, there's nothing wrong, you're being silly etc since that's part and parcel of him not paying attention anyway. Just make it known you're unhappy and make it plain what you'd like to see change. His response will tell you all you need to know, and any effort he puts in long term will do the same.

For every time he lets you down, he'll drop another step in your consideration. Focus on your kids. I know exactly what you mean when you say you'd rather do it all on your own because you get the final say and do things your way without having to give a damn about what another adult wants, so try pretending you're doing this already.

When his kids grow up and they don't bother to include him in their lives much either, he might realise what he's done.

I would be giving him a ultimatum

He doesn't have to quit running but he has to quit endurance

He can work on speed over endurance and he can concentrate on getting faster over 5k and use parkrun events on a Saturday morning as his events. That way his training is greatly reduced yet he is still pushing himself

Sunday long runs then only become 1 hour

This is what I did because quite frankly it's not fair on my family to bugger off for hours running at the weekends.

If he not prepared to do that I would show him the door

There's a reason family sizes are reducing overall.

But these things are like an addiction - the adrenaline rush when running, the praise from admirers. He won't be able to settle for just the odd hour on a Saturday morning. Also it's probably age limited - he won't get back to the level he is at if he stops for a few years.
OP needs to decide is she willing to put up with it, will he change - then have a proper discussion with him.
Does he have family on hand to look after the DCs if you divorce?
Or will he have to miss training. You need a full discussion.

@MrsTerryPratchett

You're living with an addict. Just because his drug of choice is healthy, you don't see it.

He doesn't get to opt out of everything else.

Endorphins and Addiction Because endorphins play a role in the brain's reward system, some scientists and doctors have suggested that the “feel-good” chemicals may play a role in exercise addiction or drug dependence. Exercise addiction may occur in people who exercise excessively.

Could it be this?

You jave a 5th child op

It would be the same without the running. It doesn't change stop wasting your time hoping It will.

Question is do you carry on raising 5 kids or leave with the 4 u actually wanted.

Sorry you are having it so rough. Uts so exhausting having to poke peope to do what you need them too.

No one did that fir us. We had to get on with it. No instruction lists or fall back guy if we didn't. They have access to exactly the same info we do. There r no excuses

Sounds like he’s become addicted to running. I was like this myself years ago and it’s not healthy as it destroys relationships. He will struggle to see this though.

Thing is he needs to try to work on it and sprnd time with his family. His hobby at the moment is being detrimental to your family. There’s nothing wrong with running if you’re still spending quality time with family and if he’s allowing you time for your own hobby.

I'm with @Franklyfrost

Who cares what his hobby is? He has put himself above his children.

How is he a "good dad"? A good dad interacts with his children, even when they are difficult.

As my dad used to say - becoming a father is easy. Being a father is hard. He only does the easy bits, he is not a good father.

I feel I need to exclude him and have fun with the kids without him, rather than wait for him to come home. He is missing out as we have 4 brilliant kids. It might spur him on to make it more balanced or it might be the push I need to tell him to jog on.

Oh yes, that is a good strategy. Don't hang around waiting for him to step up. If fun with the children is what you want then you have that fun. With or without him.

I have been considering for a while now going on holiday solo as my teenagers are excellent company so I wouldn't feel alone.

Perfect! And when you have done all the organising and the kids are looking forward to it, don't just let him come along without him meeting your conditions first. If he sees you all having fun he may want to tag along. This is your family holiday, not his. You can negotiate the marriage afterwards.

when there is some kind of conflict (we have 2 teenage daughters) he goes mad saying this is why he goes out all the time

That is very bad parenting indeed. As a pp said, he is manipulative. He neglects his children and then blames them for his neglect. He is actually being quite brazen in a way, that he will only do the nice bits of fatherhood. Thing is, if you stay with him then you are teaching your daughters that this is a how a good father and husband behaves. As I expect you were taught yourself, in your own childhood, which is why you call him a "good dad" even when he is manifestly failing to be one.

I love running. DH plays another sport to a reasonably high level.

We BOTH curb our activities to accommodate family life- I don’t really run further than a half marathon and train around my son’s waking hours. DH has dropped down a level in his sport so that he doesn’t have to go to 3 hours of training whilst DC is awake on top of match day. We both want to do this because we want to be with DC and appreciate that we can’t behave as we would if we weren’t parents. It sounds like your issue is that your H doesn’t!