Page 6 | I resent my husbands hobby

horseymum · 14/12/2021 12:15

I have a friend with a dh like this. He's lovely as a person but my goodness he's selfish when it comes to his hobby. To a certain extent it helps his mental health to be out running but he forgets that most people are struggling just now so he doesn't take priority. I have other friends who do time consuming hobbies like triathlon and they manage to go early morning or at a time that suits and reciprocate by enabling their wives to go off for their interests. It needs to be a balance.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2021 12:15

@Ftii

Hey!

My husband is also an ultra runner and I totally understand your frustration, but after alot of reflection I do think the issue is partly ours....
I don't have a passion/hobby, so apart from meeting friends occasionally I don't have anything to do. My life is the kids really. My husband will never stop me doing anything, but I don't make that time for me, and if I did make a point of saying 'I'm doing xyz in this day, don't make running plans' I might feel better about it all.
I must say he does try and will get up at 3/4am to go runs etc and try fit in around us as much as possible, but as your aware ultra running is not just an hour out the house. I resent the free time he gets.
My NY resolution is to make more time for me... You should try the same. X

But how involved his he with his family?

Do you do things together? Is the house down to you or does he pull his weight?

Anordinarymum · 14/12/2021 12:15

@Bongbingboo1

My husband is a keen ultra runner and is only happy when he is training for something that will push his body to the limit.

We have 4 young children, a dog and I work full time. My mental health isn't great but I can't decide if it's me or if he's being selfish.

He's a good dad and works really hard and we have a good relationship generally.

But....

He doesn't enjoy any family activity even though I try and adapt it around his training schedule. He finds holidays a chore as he says it's too intense being altogether. When he's not running he's tired from being out running so likes to sit and watch tv and he literally does nothing to help/organise in the house or for the children.
If I ask him several times he might remember to do something. He's constantly on his phone talking to other runners and it's his only chat and I find it boring.

I'm really starting to resent him doing it. He loves the praise he gets when he shares his posts on social media while I sit there silently seething about him not being there while I've been battling with homework or struggling round the supermarket.

So what I'm asking how do you support a partners hobby while not wishing he might trip up and maybe be stay at home for a bit??? Are there any other running wives/husbands on here??

Seriously ??

OP Read your post and then tell us he is a good dad.

Support a hobby? Are you joking ?? He doesn't support you much at all

Lana07 · 14/12/2021 12:16

I work 25 hours and 4 days a week.

maa32 · 14/12/2021 12:16

My husband is an avid marathon runner, he still spends as much time with dc as possible and makes sure I get enough me time. He also participates in everything we do as a family.

I don't think it's your husbands hobby that's the issue I think it's the husband being incredible selfish

DoodleBelle · 14/12/2021 12:23

He sounds insufferable. LTB.

Lana07 · 14/12/2021 12:31

I can see one of your main love languages is Time Together.

What do you think is/are his love language(s)?

Momijin · 14/12/2021 12:33

He's a shit dad and husband and your be better off without him.

Original poster

Bongbingboo1 · 14/12/2021 12:47

Wow I didn't expect to receive such a response and so many of you are hitting the nail on the head.

I have told him I don't want to be married to him anymore. He has told me to sort it out and tell the children straight away as I obviously want to ruin their christmas. He's calling my bluff but I actually really think I can be happy either on my own or meet someone who isn't like him.

It didn't go down well as I knew it wouldn't. He's very difficult to give feedback or any kind of constructive criticism to. He's always right. I end up twisted in knots and then say the wrong thing which he latches on to and I know that isn't right.

Right now I'm feeling really emotional and overwhelmed but as I'm feeling quite adamant that I'm not putting up with this anymore.

OP posts:

Blackbird2020 · 14/12/2021 13:12

I wish you all the best OP. You’re going to be a fantastic role model to your children as they grow up

SummerWhisper · 14/12/2021 13:23

No, he wants to ruin their Christmas and be the martyr. Tell him you will work on the separation as adults and the children won't be involved until they need to be. He is one heck of a prick. We'll done @Bongbingboo1

again2020 · 14/12/2021 13:29

I'm a runner, I used to do long distance events and I run several times a week. I do it before DD is up or on my lunch at work to avoid disrupting family life.
That's the difference...you can still have hobbies but family time comes first.

Him upping and leaving you for 3 weeks for an ultra event is incredibly selfish and irresponsible, especially with 4 young children. I really feel for you.

Pleased to see your update that you told him you want out end the marriage. I think this is the best thing to do. You will be happier in the long term. Hope you can come to some agreeement.
Thinking of you

FissionMailed · 14/12/2021 13:30

He's calling my bluff but I actually really think I can be happy either on my own or meet someone who isn't like him.

Don't allow him to cal your bluff, tell him to leave or you take your kids off somewhere for Xmas.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 14/12/2021 13:55

He has told me to sort it out and tell the children straight away as I obviously want to ruin their christmas.

Roll your eyes and tell him not to be so childish - or at least roll tyour eyes. A good husband would say "I didn't know you felt so bad, can we talk about this? What can we do about it?" A good Dad would say "when should we tell the children so as not to upset them?" He's neither.

He's always right.

That is so annoying. He isn't listening.

I end up twisted in knots and then say the wrong thing which he latches on to and I know that isn't right.

Well, it works for him so he wont stop. Just hold on to the fact that arguing with him is a waste of time. You do what feels right to you.

I'm not putting up with this anymore.

Fair enough. This goes a long way beyond a hobby.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2021 13:58

@Bongbingboo1

Wow I didn't expect to receive such a response and so many of you are hitting the nail on the head.

I have told him I don't want to be married to him anymore. He has told me to sort it out and tell the children straight away as I obviously want to ruin their christmas. He's calling my bluff but I actually really think I can be happy either on my own or meet someone who isn't like him.

It didn't go down well as I knew it wouldn't. He's very difficult to give feedback or any kind of constructive criticism to. He's always right. I end up twisted in knots and then say the wrong thing which he latches on to and I know that isn't right.

Right now I'm feeling really emotional and overwhelmed but as I'm feeling quite adamant that I'm not putting up with this anymore.

Give yourself time to take a breath.

Get Christmas over with if that makes it easier then in the New Year go and see a solicitor so you can get planning.

New Year, New Start.

(and will the children even notice?)

Notwithittoday · 14/12/2021 14:09

Just offering sympathy. I can relate to a lot of this. It’s useless people saying just get a hobby of your own, because the difference probably is you want to there for your dc, you probably don’t want to be away for hours, days and weeks on end because you probably a) miss them and b) know you’ll come home to a completely unmanageable laundry/ not done chore situation. Being a woman is shit. Of course you feel like a bloody nag, he’s making you into one with his selfishness.
I would tell him
He gets one afternoon per week for his hobby or a couple of hours after kids have gone to bed but that’s it. Or else you’re divorcing him and he can see how much free time he had them. Another option would be to get a dog Walker, cleaner, tutor for the kids, ironing service and rinse the bank account for a couple of months. They’re the jobs he should be helping with whilst he’s out working on his bloody physique. That might send a strong message

AllInTentsWithPorpoises · 14/12/2021 14:10

All the best OP. Call his bluff and mean what you said about it being over. He sounds incredibly self absorbed and it sounds like you have a lovely family.
New year, fresh start. I hope it is truly freeing for you.

CowboyBebop · 14/12/2021 14:14

Good for you, OP, to be up front with him. Don't fall for his manipulation. I left my DH last year for different reasons but a major factor was when I realised I had more fun with my DC on my own. Once I gave up the dream of the happy family unit I was fine. It was hard to give up that dream after 20 years of trying to make it happen but the fact was ex DH did not share that dream and pursuing it meant I was wasting my life. You only get one life.

Notwithittoday · 14/12/2021 14:18

Just seen your update, yes you’ve got yourself a prize shit on your hands there. I’m so sorry.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 14/12/2021 14:19

I'd absolutely support a partners hobby and I think it's very healthy for both parents to have time away from the family and spend time doing a hobby.

However your dh doesn't have a hobby, he has a lifestyle that is detrimental to you, your dc and family life. The dc are also his, and he has 50% parental responsibility for them, and as such, should take 50% responsibility for their upbringing, care and welfare. He's also married, and second to only his dc's, you should come first. He should spend time looking after your health and well-being. He also lives in a house and should be sharing 50% of the responsibility for the upkeep and general life admin.

He's not! He's taking the piss, he's selfish and self centred and sounds like a complete knob to boot.

I suspect the dc probably know it's coming, certainly your teenagers will have noticed, there's nothing wrong with telling them before Xmas, actually it might make it easier as they won't dwell on it and have Xmas to take their minds off it.

pog100 · 14/12/2021 14:24

You must call his bluff. Otherwise you will always be at a major disadvantage.

Salayes · 14/12/2021 14:35

I disagree about calling his bluff for now. It’s only a few days until Christmas. He’s selfish and petty clearly so if you call his bluff he may well just say fuck it and tell the kids before Xmas.

I’d leave ot for the next week or two and then say yep you are serious if I were you because he sounds almost like he wants you to say yes you want to split this week so he can forever throw in your face ‘you’ did this ‘to the kids’ (and I expect sell that narrative as a poor bereft family man ‘she did it just before Xmas’ to his oh so important running buddies).

Hang fire for now. New year comes get him gone.

annlee3817 · 14/12/2021 14:40

Both myself and my DH run, he can get quite obsessive and it can be frustrating as his training is always more ramped up than mine, I fit mine a around my DD making time for her (we both did an ultra this year), and he used to also be out every Sunday for a long run, and if he worked Saturday then there was no quality time as a family. He now tries to do his long runs before we get up, which gives us the day together, and yes whilst that means he's a little tired, he can offset with an earlier night. Family can't fit around that sort of thing, adjustments need to be made to fit around the family. It's easy to get quite obsessed with it, as you start wondering how much further you can push distance wise and then get irritated when anything stops that. Could you maybe suggest couples therapy so that you can listen to each other, the whys and what's and come up with a solution?

LightSpeeds · 14/12/2021 14:59

Wow, that all happened really quickly.

If he really cared about you, he wouldn't accuse you of ruining Christmas, but would truly want to know (and care about) what was wrong and want to put it right for you, for the both of you and for your family.

He sounds emotionally incapable.

If you can't put things right and do split up, you will have a difficult couple of years, but then you will be FREEEEEEEEEEEE. Good luck with whatever happens x

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 14/12/2021 15:00

It's unbelievable that you have four kids (two teens, two younger presumably) and work full time and he literally does no housework, chores or childcare. In a way you've got to admire the cheek, I mean what woman would get away with that because they had a hobby...