Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

I resent my husbands hobby

195 replies

Bongbingboo1 · 13/12/2021 21:27

My husband is a keen ultra runner and is only happy when he is training for something that will push his body to the limit.

We have 4 young children, a dog and I work full time. My mental health isn't great but I can't decide if it's me or if he's being selfish.

He's a good dad and works really hard and we have a good relationship generally.

But....

He doesn't enjoy any family activity even though I try and adapt it around his training schedule. He finds holidays a chore as he says it's too intense being altogether. When he's not running he's tired from being out running so likes to sit and watch tv and he literally does nothing to help/organise in the house or for the children.
If I ask him several times he might remember to do something. He's constantly on his phone talking to other runners and it's his only chat and I find it boring.

I'm really starting to resent him doing it. He loves the praise he gets when he shares his posts on social media while I sit there silently seething about him not being there while I've been battling with homework or struggling round the supermarket.

So what I'm asking how do you support a partners hobby while not wishing he might trip up and maybe be stay at home for a bit??? Are there any other running wives/husbands on here??

OP posts:

Original poster

Bongbingboo1 · 13/12/2021 21:55

I'm not a pushover so I tell him regularly that I need him to do more but I end up feeling like I'm wrong. He might try for a day or 2 but then he's back to doing sod all.

I just feel like I'm turning into a negative moaner but my head is so full of all the things I need to get sorted that I struggle to see any joy in my life.

Thanks for the tips - It's really helped.

OP posts:

MarshmallowSwede · 13/12/2021 21:56

Many men don’t actively want to parent or engage in any family activities. They like having children in theory and the family aesthetic. They can share pics of their family and go on and on about how much they live their family for social media.

Having kids is good for their career and it gives them the edge of being considered a reliable family man at work.. but they don’t want to actually participate in parenting or family life. These men consider anything that is not all about them an inconvenience.

It’s a sad reality but I believe this is the case for many men. And it’s the woman left to pick up and do all of the mental and emotional labour as well as the child rearing.

MarshmallowSwede · 13/12/2021 21:57

You should schedule a weekend where he stays with his children and you get time for yourself.

Nsky · 13/12/2021 21:59

Why did you have 4 children with a man like this, get him to choose, sorted

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 13/12/2021 22:01

Ultimately it's him that is missing out. Your dc will know who is nurturing them. As adults they will be giving him a wide berth I expect...

LostForIdeas · 13/12/2021 22:01

The only thing that worked for me/us was to give him some responsibility and the stop to do it ver again.

So let’s say DH became responsible fit the ironing. I never did it again. I never reminded him just let him run out if clothes, have the dcs or myself run out clothes and then let him deal with the fact he had messed up.
It’s hard because you really want to step in. It’s frustrating like hell. But I’ve learnt that if I ever tried to help and did a little bit, then we were back to square one with him not doing it at all again.

Another way to say it, decide what your boundaries are, state them and then hold on to them.

Wombat69 · 13/12/2021 22:02

You're the default babysitter.

Poor dog too.

Sit down, reverse the roles & then say you'd be a good mother, if you behave in a similar manner.

Original poster

Bongbingboo1 · 13/12/2021 22:03

@PussInBin20

How have you got to 4 kids and not addressed this?!

Have you actually told him how you feel? Why are you “silently seething” - he can’t change if he doesn’t know there’s a problem.

I do address it, but his desire to push himself is leading to more and more training than ever before. It's also leading to more arguments than ever before

I silently seethe as I can see all the wow you're amazing and well done comments on his social media and I think if I express mine them I'm an awful person.

OP posts:

LostForIdeas · 13/12/2021 22:03

Another option is to actually decide he will never change and that you are not going to tolerate that behaviour anymore.
And kick him out.

I mean he doesn’t bring a lot to the running if the house just now right?

And at least you’ll get EOW just for yourself.

Mojoj · 13/12/2021 22:03

Love how so many men just "opt out" of family life. Must be great to have all that free time to devote to a hobby. He's taking the piss. Big time!

LostForIdeas · 13/12/2021 22:06

I silently seethe as I can see all the wow you're amazing and well done comments on his social media and I think if I express mine them I'm an awful person.

But you’re not an awful person. He is just nit behaving like a father and a partner.
Being a great runner doesn’t mean he is a great partner or father.
Having people telling him he is great might be feeding his ego but it doesn’t help with the homework.

Why should you feel bad about reminding him about his responsibilities??

JayAlfredPrufrock · 13/12/2021 22:07

Do you work?

LostForIdeas · 13/12/2021 22:08

Sorry, I think I misunderstood.
Is him that says you are awful?

Because of course he will say that. You are asking him to step up and do something that
1- he doesn’t want to do
2- isnt as rewarding
3- he won’t get kudos for by fellow runners.

PermanentTemporary · 13/12/2021 22:11

YANBU.

Maybe ask him to tweet some other parent ultrarunners and explain their schedules to him, how they manage their responsibilities?

Original poster

Bongbingboo1 · 13/12/2021 22:12

@MarshmallowSwede

It’s a sad reality but I believe this is the case for many men. And it’s the woman left to pick up and do all of the mental and emotional labour as well as the child rearing.

Yes you have summed it up perfectly.

My friends and I talk honestly and certainly since WFH and homeschooling it has become very apparent that is it the women who are picking up the slack. I know there isn't a perfect family/marriage but I think a part of me has decided enough is enough.

I feel I need to exclude him and have fun with the kids without him, rather than wait for him to come home. He is missing out as we have 4 brilliant kids. It might spur him on to make it more balanced or it might be the push I need to tell him to jog on.

OP posts:

Blackbird2020 · 13/12/2021 22:13

The problem isn’t the hobby. The problem is his attitude to you and his family. I’ve read so many threads about men like this, work, hobby, friends, blah blah blah… What actually takes their time up isn’t what you should be focusing on.

The fact is he puts his needs above you all. He has no other perspective other than ‘doing what you want’, as highlighted by the fact he keeps telling you he won’t stop you from ‘doing what you want’.

4 kids in…. he isn’t going to change. I’d be making the changes instead

Franklyfrost · 13/12/2021 22:15

Running ultra long distances isn’t heroic. It’s a pointless hobby. Try to use the word ‘train spotting’ when you think about it, for example ‘I’m left running the household because my husband has to do is six hour train spotting session today’.

gerispringer · 13/12/2021 22:15

Is there something you’d like to do if you had time? Pilates? Yoga? Painting? Swimming? Find a class and tell him you are going, leave him in charge at least 2 evenings and half the weekend. Make a list of what needs doing and no excuses if it doesn’t get done.

converseandjeans · 13/12/2021 22:16

I imagine he has got worse the more children you have. Do you work? Or is he high earner whilst you stay home?

Blackbird2020 · 13/12/2021 22:17

Don’t make a list. You’re not his mother. What are you going to do if he doesn’t complete the list? Tell him off?? He is a fully grown adult who can work it out for himself.

Jmaho · 13/12/2021 22:19

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

He sounds like a piss poor father and an incredibly selfish partner.

This

Original poster

Bongbingboo1 · 13/12/2021 22:21

@converseandjeans

I imagine he has got worse the more children you have. Do you work? Or is he high earner whilst you stay home?

I work full time, but he is the main earner.

It has got worse as he is taking on more extreme challenges. I don't mind the actual events (the next one takes him away for 3 weeks).

OP posts:

Corbally · 13/12/2021 22:23

I have a friend, a father of three, who regularly runs extreme marathons and long-distance endurance races, and has absolutely wrecked his body in so doing — his wife left him last year. I can’t say I’m surprised.

Boboparadise · 13/12/2021 22:23

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

So he is obviously happy to make dc (4)but not to actually parent them? Ltb and enjoy 50 %peace and quiet. Your mh will thank you for it. Yanbu to kick off big time op.

At least send the ddog out running with him while you reconsider your future..

Why should the dog have to suffer him🤪

Dindundundundeeer · 13/12/2021 22:26

Fuck that. I’d tell him to take a fucking ultra run away from me. Self absorbed twat.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8