I resent my husbands hobby

[Bongbingboo1]

My husband is a keen ultra runner and is only happy when he is training for something that will push his body to the limit.

We have 4 young children, a dog and I work full time. My mental health isn't great but I can't decide if it's me or if he's being selfish.

He's a good dad and works really hard and we have a good relationship generally.

But....

He doesn't enjoy any family activity even though I try and adapt it around his training schedule. He finds holidays a chore as he says it's too intense being altogether. When he's not running he's tired from being out running so likes to sit and watch tv and he literally does nothing to help/organise in the house or for the children.
If I ask him several times he might remember to do something. He's constantly on his phone talking to other runners and it's his only chat and I find it boring.

I'm really starting to resent him doing it. He loves the praise he gets when he shares his posts on social media while I sit there silently seething about him not being there while I've been battling with homework or struggling round the supermarket.

So what I'm asking how do you support a partners hobby while not wishing he might trip up and maybe be stay at home for a bit??? Are there any other running wives/husbands on here??

My best friend has become totally addicted to running in the last couple of years- I’ve given up trying with her and feel very resentful. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if it was my partner and not a friend!

You have ever right to resent his hobby.
He is absent - tell him to scale back on his hobby and plug in more with family life or he’ll be on his own.

@fellrunner85

I'm an ultrarunner. Your problem isn't the running, it's the fact that he puts the training first rather than your family.

Tell him to go on his long runs at 4am and then do a full day with the kids afterwards, like most ultra runners who are mothers have to do. Extra endurance training, innit.

Also, is he any good? If you're married to Killian Journet then I have some sympathy with him. But on the other hand, if he's a typical club runner 3hr marathoner, he needs to realign his priorities somewhat.

Kilan Journet's partner is Emilie Forsberg, who is also an ultra runner. They have two kids and from her Insta, they train around the kids and together with the kids. If he, as a world class ultra runner, can manage a balanced family life...

Excellent point well made, @nothingiswrong !

I stand corrected

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. As indeed you have done here.

You say he’s a good Dad then list precisely why he isn’t.

The problem is not his hobby in itself, it is the fact that he seems to have checked out of family life.

I wonder whether he really wanted to have a big family and now feels trapped by the domestic routine?

Not a good sign to be honest.

Have a chat with him and tell him you want him to pull his weight.

Do you really need to work full time? could working part-time give you more to enjoy life as well?

Hobby > Lifestyle > Obsession/Addiction

It doesn't sound like he's a hobbyist. Once it tips over from hobby and escalates to lifestyle or obsession/addiction, it's incredibly difficult to balance unless both partners share the same interest. It's now such a large part of his self-identity he probably doesn't realise that he's losing you.

Have a holiday with the kids and without him first. Your holiday, going where you all want, doing what you all want. Let the kids see how much fun you can all have when he is not bending the family holiday out of shape to suit himself. And let him really feel that he has missed out.

Once you've done that, then you can think about possibly including him in the next one. And decide what the terms need to be for including him.

And if he wants to take the kids along on one of his running trips, he can do that without you. Maybe they will all have a lovely time together, which is also fine. But don't you be the person doing all the grunt work and making sure the kids have a lovely holiday while he goes off running.

I would agree with others saying that its not the hobby that is the problem he is just out of the family, he is not interested in it and running is more like an excuse.

Many people have hobbies and has other things to do apart of family, but these hobbies should be inserted to family life, not vice versa.

First he should do things related to family: spend time with you and kids, do cleaning, shopping, etc. and after, if he still will have energy, go running))

Isn’t it sad that he’s only happy when pushing his body to the limits (and getting the kudos for it). And is totally uninterested in even pushing himself a little bit to be an engaged husband and father.

He clearly has the willpower to do extremely uncomfortable things over and over again, yet will not tolerate a bit of boredom or effort in family life. The only reason this could possibly be so, because he obviously has steel willpower, is because you and his children are not on his radar as important or a benefit to him.

You know, there are many disengaged bad fathers/husbands out there but a good deal of them are lazy or have a lack of focus and drive. Your disengaged bad father/husband is worse because he has energy, motivation, willpower and drive. And chooses to spend NONE of it on anyone but himself.

I really felt the urge to reply to this so I hope it gives you insight or perspective if it rings true for you.
I live in Ireland and am friendly with my parish Priest. He is very involved in the community at all levels eg schools, GAA, elderly and children's community groups. He is wise an busy and has seen it all.
My husband had an affair under my nose and left us.
Previous to this he did anything and everything to avoid family responsibilities and family life.
He turned up for the big occasions that involved fun, alcohol, adult company but the rest of the time he either was ' unwell' or 'busy'.
He did not involve himself in the day to Day running of the home and rearing of our kids. They were a massive irritation to him.
I work full time as did he. He left before the kids got us and came home after they went to beds
He resented having to spend any time with them other that's holidays etc

Totally agree with @sunshine789, it's probably an avoidance strategy. My exH was like this, buried in his hobbies and job to the exclusion of me and his daughter. It never changed, never improved whatever I did and he rolled out the guilt trips and accusations of being controlling.

You can't easily change this. You need to decide if this is what you want from your marriage and family life.

Op do you feel loved, respected, appreciated, listened to? What do you get out of your marriage?

Marriages should be partnerships. It doesn’t sound like yours is.

My ex left after twenty years. I thought we were rubbing along happily enough. Now I have a new partner who asks for my opinion on things, listens, respects me, I can see that my marriage wasn’t a partnership. He worked, went out with mates, had a hobby and I did everything around the house with dc. I’m much happier now. My partner treats me like an equal and I realise my exh took me for granted - he still does in fact.

In answer to your question, you no longer support his escapism. He engages with his family or he leads the single life he wants as a single person!

Note: he may not do the access stuff if you do split. Mine lasted five minutes until he got a new partner. Hasn't seen his DD for around eight years now.

@antuanua I'm sorry your husband had an affair.
How is your friendship with the priest relevant ?

Sorry posted too early.
Anyway he was a shit husband and father who controlled the hime and me really.
My friend, the Priest came to visit me afterwards.
He told me that it is a tale as old as time in his nearly 80 years of life experience .many
Men want the marriage, the family, the wife, the kids to fit social constructs.
Many men do not want the hard work, sacrifices and sometimes downright stress involved . Like the good old Irish mammy, they expected their wives to behave the same way.
My exh got his ego stroked and his ego needs met at work where he was shit hot at his job. If he on the rare occasion did any bit of diy or housework, he was short of looking for a medal and a dance .
I disrespected him hugely. I resented him as he had no problem leaving ALL the child rearing, house running and everything else to me despite me working full time and travelling substantially for work.
I earned more than him but he sulked if I ever bought anything with
Out his approval . Sexually, he was coercive. I couldn't bear the man to touch me such was my resentment for his lack of love and respect for me.
He was also shouty, aggressive and nasty at times but I pulled him in that everysingle time.
Your post resonated with me.
You seem to be married to a man who has zero love and respect for you.
People who love and respect their partners treat them as equals and not as slaves.
I hope that you will be as fortunate as me , in that the rubbish literally took itself out or that you emerge from the fog and leave him yourself.
You won't know yourself!!!!
Good luck.

@JSL52 sorry I posted too early but posted again.

I don't see that you're getting anything from this marriage. He's a fun sponge, absent husband, and father.

You mentioned 2 teens. How old are the other 2?

He's going away for 3 weeks.
I'd be seeing a solicitor and filing for divorce while he's gone. Stop doing anything for him. Let him cook, clean, shop, laundry for himself. Move to another bedroom. Start living you life as if you're single.

He's clearly been like this for years and nothing you have said or done has made a bit of difference.

Hey!

My husband is also an ultra runner and I totally understand your frustration, but after alot of reflection I do think the issue is partly ours....
I don't have a passion/hobby, so apart from meeting friends occasionally I don't have anything to do. My life is the kids really. My husband will never stop me doing anything, but I don't make that time for me, and if I did make a point of saying 'I'm doing xyz in this day, don't make running plans' I might feel better about it all.
I must say he does try and will get up at 3/4am to go runs etc and try fit in around us as much as possible, but as your aware ultra running is not just an hour out the house. I resent the free time he gets.
My NY resolution is to make more time for me... You should try the same. X

@Ftii

Hey!

My husband is also an ultra runner and I totally understand your frustration, but after alot of reflection I do think the issue is partly ours....
I don't have a passion/hobby, so apart from meeting friends occasionally I don't have anything to do. My life is the kids really. My husband will never stop me doing anything, but I don't make that time for me, and if I did make a point of saying 'I'm doing xyz in this day, don't make running plans' I might feel better about it all.
I must say he does try and will get up at 3/4am to go runs etc and try fit in around us as much as possible, but as your aware ultra running is not just an hour out the house. I resent the free time he gets.
My NY resolution is to make more time for me... You should try the same. X

OP doesn't just resent that he has more free time though, she gutted that he doesn't want to spend proper time with her and the kids and doesn't enjoy their company. And openly tells her so! Surely you can see the difference? It's not a case of her being jealous of his free time, it's a case of her being sad and angry that he's chosen to have four kids and now doesn't enjoy spending time with them and doesn't contribute meaningfully to their lives.

How many times a week does he train and for how long?

He is very immature for dealing with teenagers and avoiding arguing with them.

He needs to learn some basics about teenage psychology and brain development and how to learn to get on with them well.

I am also a fit girl and I choose to be in a great physical shape, to put my time and effort to support that but never at the expense of missing on our family time.

With all respect to his hobby, I would also feel he is avoiding his fair share of house chores and duties and is living his separate life putting his hobby 1st. He needs to get his priorities right and have the right work/ family life/hobby balance or you might get fed up with all this.

*never at the expense of missing out on our happy family time

I train 2-3 times a week for 40 minutes- 1 hour -1.5, maximum 2 hours.

Sometimes once a week and it's a great family/ fitness hobby balance then.

@GoodnightGrandma

Set him free to run to his heart’s content. He is an absent parent and husband.

^^This

Only problem from the DC point of view is that he won't bother with them if you split