I resent my husbands hobby

[Bongbingboo1]

My husband is a keen ultra runner and is only happy when he is training for something that will push his body to the limit.

We have 4 young children, a dog and I work full time. My mental health isn't great but I can't decide if it's me or if he's being selfish.

He's a good dad and works really hard and we have a good relationship generally.

But....

He doesn't enjoy any family activity even though I try and adapt it around his training schedule. He finds holidays a chore as he says it's too intense being altogether. When he's not running he's tired from being out running so likes to sit and watch tv and he literally does nothing to help/organise in the house or for the children.
If I ask him several times he might remember to do something. He's constantly on his phone talking to other runners and it's his only chat and I find it boring.

I'm really starting to resent him doing it. He loves the praise he gets when he shares his posts on social media while I sit there silently seething about him not being there while I've been battling with homework or struggling round the supermarket.

So what I'm asking how do you support a partners hobby while not wishing he might trip up and maybe be stay at home for a bit??? Are there any other running wives/husbands on here??

He’s slowly checking out of the marriage OP. I am really sorry. If this is not sorted he will check out completely soon. It’s really important your marriage now takes centre stage and he has to reduce his running and spend more time at home. If he is not willing to do this I am afraid it will be over soon.

Like someone said earlier, he is addicted to running. I run/jog between 10- 15 km/ week, sometimes slightly more, I find it difficult sometimes to fit that in. He has family responsibilities, he can get up very early and do it if he wants too. He is using it as an excuse to get out of family life.

I've read an ultra runner's biography, he glossed over the bit where it was clear his wife was picking up all the work whilst he ran & hung out with his buddies. She chucked him out. I think if you're happy for him to be away for 3 weeks without missing him, there's your answer. Arguing wastes so much time. Run everything as a single parent, buy in help, see how you go.

OP I hear you. DH is very into all things endurance and I struggle with this. An early run or ride and he just goes for longer and pushes himself harder so is more tired with the dc later on. We have had many arguments discussions around this. The irony is that when we got together I was the long distance runner and he was a smoker, couch potato, gamer.
I dont have any answers but much sympathy.
My latest approach is to completely disengage from it and stop covering/making it easy for him. I'm not mean about it and still support him but no longer at my detriment and I won't bend over backwards to do this like I used to.
He wanted us to go on a "family holiday" that was actually for some event. He would have been 100% focused on the event and the people while I was juggling small children in a tiny hotel room and trying to entertain them in a place where there is really nothing else to do. I told him he was welcome to use his leave but I would not be going and the kids and I would go on a family holiday to an appropriate destination at a time that worked better for them and me.
I've also gotten better at just handing over to him and not trying to make it all perfect for him.
Be wary of the split Saturday/Sunday approach. It works for some but left me feeling really lonely as we had no time together and family time with all of us was almost non existent. (Yes I have friends and a life outside of family but it felt disconnected)

This is sad OP. What I would find difficult is how to redress the balance when you're not actually asking for more you time, other than a lie in, you're asking for an engaged and active partner and co-parent. Sadly, this man seems to have little interest in being part of the family and would like to have you all in his life, but as a side, not the main course.

Honestly? He's a waste of space in the family unit. He needs to live in his own, and I would bet your DC wouldn't even want to spend a full weekend with him every other week.

Do you even like him anymore? I couldn't like someone like that.

Oh and the running is an addiction. The endocannabinoids that get created give him a high, and it's that high he's seeking. Being with family doesn't give him a high.

My H is the same as this with triathlon. The training is relentless. He tries to rope me into trips and weekends arranged around his events. I've had enough of it. I have agreed to a couple of weekends here and there where it's not somewhere awful. But it can't all be about him and visiting places I don't want to go. It's selfish and boring and it's not even a spectator sport. I'm really just done with it. The resentment eats away at you until there is no love left. If I raise it as an issue then I am told to be thankful he doesn't have bad habits like drugs or gambling. And also I am told how hard he works and how much money he earns etc. I am sick of it. I am so angry for you. And me. And all the other women who have been sucked into this by these selfish self absorbed wankers.

The loneliness of the long distance runner's wife. It is an addiction...any of these are difficult to address within a relationship. He loves his ultra-running more than you and your children...let that sink in and watch him escape from the domestic drudgery again. The injuries will come in time and then you will have an additional person to look after.Sorry for the bleak outlook but that is how it goes...

4 dc and he doesn’t even like them? I couldn’t tell him to fuck off fast enough. Then all his social media supporters will be able to see that he never sees his kids.
Since you want an interim suggestion while you think: tell him to fuck off for two weeks and think about his life and only come back if he’s willing to pick up the parenting and housework load. Or, just factor him completely out of family life. Take the dc out/away for a night without telling him. Tell him you’re sick of him moaning, he’s never there and does no parenting and moans when he does come out, so you get the message that he doesn’t actually like any of you and won’t bother inviting him to anything from here on.

@spottygymbag

OP I hear you. DH is very into all things endurance and I struggle with this. An early run or ride and he just goes for longer and pushes himself harder so is more tired with the dc later on. We have had many arguments discussions around this. The irony is that when we got together I was the long distance runner and he was a smoker, couch potato, gamer. I dont have any answers but much sympathy. My latest approach is to completely disengage from it and stop covering/making it easy for him. I'm not mean about it and still support him but no longer at my detriment and I won't bend over backwards to do this like I used to. He wanted us to go on a "family holiday" that was actually for some event. He would have been 100% focused on the event and the people while I was juggling small children in a tiny hotel room and trying to entertain them in a place where there is really nothing else to do. I told him he was welcome to use his leave but I would not be going and the kids and I would go on a family holiday to an appropriate destination at a time that worked better for them and me. I've also gotten better at just handing over to him and not trying to make it all perfect for him. Be wary of the split Saturday/Sunday approach. It works for some but left me feeling really lonely as we had no time together and family time with all of us was almost non existent. (Yes I have friends and a life outside of family but it felt disconnected)

We have also had various suggestions to go on a family holiday while he takes part in an event. I've always refused as my idea of a family holiday is not about an event.

I have been considering for a while now going on holiday solo as my teenagers are excellent company so I wouldn't feel alone.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

Those 4 brilliant kids you’ve got? You’ve done that. You’ve raised them from the sound of things.

Don’t let him fuck them up. Hearing your dad say you’re the reason he leaves the house ie you are so awful he can’t stand to be around you will be detrimental to them.

They’re also being taught to be responsible for someone else’s unreasonable reactions.

EOW plus holidays sounds like it might be better for everyone.

My childhood revolved around my Dads hobbies. I massively resent it and unsurprisingly I never got the opportunity to develop hobbies or interests of my own.

He isn't a good Dad, just a very selfish one.

Define what you consider a good dad for us. Cos he sounds like a shit one.

I'm an ultrarunner. Your problem isn't the running, it's the fact that he puts the training first rather than your family.

Tell him to go on his long runs at 4am and then do a full day with the kids afterwards, like most ultra runners who are mothers have to do. Extra endurance training, innit.

Also, is he any good? If you're married to Killian Journet then I have some sympathy with him. But on the other hand, if he's a typical club runner 3hr marathoner, he needs to realign his priorities somewhat.

I had a bf who was an ultra-marathon runner. When he applied for and started training hard for the Marathon Des Sables I knew our relationship was over - EVERYTHING became about running, training, getting fit for the race, hooking up with other runners... It was all very much about him and his ego, and our wonderful relationship was suddenly thrown way way way into the background.

That was the start of our downfall because, like you, I felt very resentful and just couldn't deal with it. I wouldn't ever go near a sports-obsessed bloke again.

I'm sure that lots of couples make this situation work but your husband sounds like he's checked out of the relationship and it's difficult to tell from your post what bits of your relationship are actually good.

when there is some kind of conflict (we have 2 teenage daughters) he goes mad saying this is why he goes out all the time

That's a nice bit of emotional manipulation.....

I'm an ultra runner - and a wife, a Mum, dog owner and I have a job.

It's not a spectator sport. It's boring to anyone else who isn't a runner.

I fit my training in around the family. My husband is very supportive. He actually cycles with me sometimes so we enjoy it together.

All this to say it's doable but as the runner I do actually put the kids etc first. Running is very important to me but knows it's place.

Your DH actually does sound like some of the men in my club. Selfish arseholes that are all about the Strava Kudos.

I would be discussing long term what this will look like. Has he ever been injured? What happened then?

Why do you think he’s a good dad and that you have a “good relationship generally”?

This is a genuine question because you have written nothing to back these statements up and in fact have highlighted that he is not a good dad or partner.

It sound like you co-habit with you as cook, cleaner and nanny, as well as work outside of the home, and him with work and running. You describe no shared interest or enjoyment. No reciprocity of care. Not actually wanting to spend time together.

I’d split and enjoy an easier life without him.

I feel I need to exclude him and have fun with the kids without him, rather than wait for him to come home. He is missing out as we have 4 brilliant kids. It might spur him on to make it more balanced or it might be the push I need to tell him to jog on.

Obviously it's down to you how you handle this situation that he has caused, but I wouldn't exclude him further, as this will let him get away with his selfish behaviour even more! I would be packing my suitcase and telling him he is in charge of the dc and the household for at least a fortnight. He can hardly complain if he goes away for three weeks at a time. I wouldn't give him much notice either!

@Bongbingboo1
"I have been considering for a while now going on holiday solo as my teenagers are excellent company so I wouldn't feel alone."

Do it- it's quite liberating! My DM was a solo parent and I have wonderful memories of our trips together. Now I have my own dc I'm creating similar memories for them. DH is always welcome to join us but I set the expectation that this is where and when we are going and this is what we're hoping to do. He can come or not but it's very much a holiday for us to enjoy and if he's not up for that then he doesn't have to be there. It has helped the resentment side of things massively and I have more joy in my life. Going away occasionally with friends without him or dc has also been helpful!

He is hiding away from family life in this hobby. In his eyes it is a legitimate reason why he cannot do the tedious domestic trivia that the 4 children he was happy to produce create.

Sadly I think he’s on his way out.

His running sounds to be all consuming to the cost of normal shared family life.

Whilst it may be unfair and unproductive to force a choice between running and family its not unreasonable to expect running to fit round family life rather than the way it currently is.

Un-notified trips out with your children, not in when he gets back, not washing kit (I suspect you do it all?) Not putting yourself out to facilitate the ease and support he has grown to expect from you all.

Comments from you on his social media pages.

When I was training for the London Marathon the running club coach said I couldn't possibly run a decent marathon on less than 50 miles training a week.
What he meant was that I would not be able to run the marathon I have the potential to run.
You see, I have a full time job and 2 children and at the time a less than supportive husband (now ex). Family and work comes first and you fit your hobby in around that.

I couldn't even contemplate all that training even now with just one child at home (I'm a single parent now).

I don't know how can enjoy all that 'me time' knowing he's disregarding his responsibilities.

"He's a good dad and works really hard and we have a good relationship generally."

Always, always, the OPs of such threads say that their partner is a good dad. And always, always, the rest of their posts will show that he isn't. Always.

@Bongbingboo1, you said that from a sense of loyalty. Your loyalty is misplaced. He's clearly not a good dad. He's not even an OK dad. He's really quite a shit dad. And I'm sure his children know that too .

Your resentment is an absolutely rational reaction to his piss-poor behaviour. And the rational thing to do about it is to remove the source of the resentment, and that would be - him. He's not going to change. He is a selfish, selfish person and for him - you and your four children are just decor inhabiting his home, window dressing for when he needs to present himself as a family man. You simply don't matter to him as much as those randoms on the internet giving him kudos on Strava. And that's shit. You shouldn't have to live this way.

I relate big time to what you said about partner being tired after the hobby and therefore not helping with anything.

Maybe I would have a praise-worthy hobby if I didn't have to keep the house in order!!

I think you are totally entitled to feeling this way, you just want him to recognise he is a partner and father.