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Original poster

I resent my husbands hobby

195 replies

Bongbingboo1 · 13/12/2021 21:27

My husband is a keen ultra runner and is only happy when he is training for something that will push his body to the limit.

We have 4 young children, a dog and I work full time. My mental health isn't great but I can't decide if it's me or if he's being selfish.

He's a good dad and works really hard and we have a good relationship generally.

But....

He doesn't enjoy any family activity even though I try and adapt it around his training schedule. He finds holidays a chore as he says it's too intense being altogether. When he's not running he's tired from being out running so likes to sit and watch tv and he literally does nothing to help/organise in the house or for the children.
If I ask him several times he might remember to do something. He's constantly on his phone talking to other runners and it's his only chat and I find it boring.

I'm really starting to resent him doing it. He loves the praise he gets when he shares his posts on social media while I sit there silently seething about him not being there while I've been battling with homework or struggling round the supermarket.

So what I'm asking how do you support a partners hobby while not wishing he might trip up and maybe be stay at home for a bit??? Are there any other running wives/husbands on here??

OP posts:
coconuthead · 14/12/2021 15:17

He sounds like a selfish, tiresome arsehole. Stick to your guns, leave him. You will be so much happier for it in the long run!

Dacquoise · 14/12/2021 15:24

It didn't go down well as I knew it wouldn't. He's very difficult to give feedback or any kind of constructive criticism to. He's always right. I end up twisted in knots and then say the wrong thing which he latches on to and I know that isn't right.

I had that too with my exH. It's their way of manipulating you into the bad guy position. Guess what, the further away you get from him, the more the self doubt dissipates and you see what they are actually doing. It will bring up feelings of anger at being so duped but at least you don't have to look after them anymore or pretend to give a s**t about their hobbies!

AmIgoinghomeforXmas · 14/12/2021 15:41

Jeez OP, he sounds worse than ever.

One Christmas isn't really here or there in the grand scheme of things but he doesn't get to dictate what you say or when you say it.

If you have truly had enough then wait until you are ready, January would be fine before starting divorce proceedings.

If you want to you could suggest couples counseling if only to support a calm split.

EKGEMS · 14/12/2021 15:47

If this prick was my husband he'd be running for his LIFE away from me cause I wouldn't tolerate the pathetic excuse of a human that he is. A piss poor husband and father.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2021 15:55

He's playing the short game, trying to hurt you and make you look bad.

You play the long game, being happy and healthy for years to come.

Smile and wave.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2021 15:56

@MrsTerryPratchett

He's playing the short game, trying to hurt you and make you look bad.

You play the long game, being happy and healthy for years to come.

Smile and wave.

100% this
Iwonder08 · 14/12/2021 16:15

God for you OP, your DH is a crap father and husband. My DH is also a keen runner and does his long run on Sunday. When this madness just started we had an agreement: I would divorce him if he starts doing marathons or ironmans or similar things.

BreadInCaptivity · 14/12/2021 16:39

Pretty telling isn't it.....

Your wife tells you she's thinking of leaving you and rather than engage, listen and try to save the marriage, you just plough forwards into a game of bluff.

Selfish fucker.

If HE cared about it being Christmas (or your marriage at all) then why doesn't HE do something to stop you leaving?

Why doesn't HE think about your children?

I wouldn't mess around any further. It's not as if he even likes spending time with the children is it?

Tell him to go stay with one of his running mates for the holiday season.

Frankly it would be nice to celebrate Christmas so soon without him, rather than wait another year.

goody2shooz · 14/12/2021 16:40

Glad to read your update and you’re divorcing this selfish entitled specimen, but may o suggest you book an appointment with a good lawyer NOW? Nobody else needs to know yet but they’re often very busy after New Year and this way you have a card up your sleeve. Also good in case he tries the same….

Didimum · 14/12/2021 17:42

Your update has made him seem even more vile than I thought. What decent man and partner reacts like that to being told that you’re so unhappy that you can’t remain in the marriage? Who wouldn’t want to figure out why and do what they can to fix it.

He sounds wholly selfish and like an atrocious dad. He should be ashamed of himself.

BlueCupOrangeCup · 14/12/2021 17:59

Pah! He is ruining his children's Christmas because he is refusing to engage with his wife to work on his marriage like a decent Man and Father.

OP, let's just be clear you are not ruining anything.

Eddielzzard · 14/12/2021 18:06

Well done Flowers

Of course he isn't taking responsibility for letting his kids down week after week Hmm

IBelieveInAThingCalledScience · 14/12/2021 18:08

DH is a long distance runner (and cyclist) and has a very senior job.

He just doesn't let it interfere with family life.

He gets up at dawn to get his training sessions done, sacrifices his lunch breaks if needed and is always a present dad and husband.

He also takes the children out every single day after work so I can get my workout done.

It's not the hobby, it's him.

NowEvenBetter · 14/12/2021 18:17

The kids will be delighted! Have they discussed how they feel, having a ‘father’ who openly doesn’t want them?
He can’t pretend he gives a shit about your kids now, no point in conversing with him, just get a solicitor to start the divorce before the xmas rush.
Tell him he will be parenting 50% of the time, and watch him crap himself! 😄

wishymore · 14/12/2021 18:18

This isn’t a relationship! It’s a joke. You’ve also got the other issue that when he gets too old to do this anymore he will be awful to live with as he can’t ever be happy at home. Don’t you want someone you’re compatible with?

Wombat69 · 14/12/2021 18:30

So he can't even engage with your divorce, shunted the work onto you?

Timetoretiretospain · 14/12/2021 18:30

Set him free - and set yourself free . He sounds selfish x

Rainbowqueeen · 14/12/2021 19:11

Flowers op. His response makes it clear this is the right decision. You don’t have to tell the DC now but you can get the ball rolling by making an appointment with a solicitor (try a couple to find one you like) and ask around for recommendations. Also start gathering up the financial information you will need. You can also apply for benefits while living in the same house while separated. Maybe tell a couple of trusted friends or family so you have RL support.
Look into booking mediation to resolve the finances and DC arrangements. Work out what it is you want the future to look like in terms of the split
Telling the kids is not the first step in the process I wish you all the best

Wombat69 · 14/12/2021 19:39

Make sure you know where all the money is tho, just in case he does believe you.

Antsgomarching · 14/12/2021 19:41

Not a good dad and not a good husband.

NowEvenBetter · 14/12/2021 20:19

The fact you said ‘he’s a good dad’ suggests that you don’t even understand how his contempt for you all will have impacted the kids. Having a ‘parent’ who wants so little to do with you that he literally runs away from you? How did he have the opportunity to impregnate you so many times?!

BackBackBack · 14/12/2021 20:28

It's not up to you to sort it out.

He's a selfish immature man child.

Focus on building your new life and let marathon man get on with it.

Dilbertian · 14/12/2021 21:55

You do not have a dh's hobby problem, you have a dh problem. He has allowed his fixation to take precedence over you and his children.

I also have an ultra-runner dh who can get a bit over-focused when preparing for an event, especially in the final 6w or so. But when he is at home he is present. He actively parents. He respects the fact that I have other interests and makes sure that I don't miss out. He will explain his plans, months before an event, or even a year ahead, so that we can plan around it. Dh's races and training have never caused the family to miss out on something, or me to be over-burdened as a result.

Life does not revolve around his hobby.

timeisnotaline · 14/12/2021 22:12

Call his bluff back, message : it’s very clear that you have no interest in saving our marriage, so glad we agree on that. Not sure why you want to ruin the dcs christmas but I plan for us to tell them after Christmas once we have set some basic plans. If you tell them before Christmas you will have to move out immediately, we can’t play happy families if you’ve just dropped that bombshell on them to get back at me with no concern for how our children feel.

What an A grade asshole.

billy1966 · 14/12/2021 23:39

@MrsTerryPratchett

He's playing the short game, trying to hurt you and make you look bad.

You play the long game, being happy and healthy for years to come.

Smile and wave.

Absolutely this.

Your children will have the measure of him.

He is a selfish waster.

Get copies of all financials and get EVERYTHING you can.

He sounds truly awful.

Don't waste anymore time with a man who clearly doesn't care.

Flowers