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Original poster

When the OW gets her man

275 replies

SaintVal · 07/12/2021 16:31

This is following on from a thread where someone is having an affair with a married man who claims his marriage is on the rocks. The majority of the replies are telling the OP to wake up/grow up and to get a grip on reality and that ultimately, he will come up with an excuse as to why he can't leave his wife etc. However, what about the OW who does eventually get her man?

My exH left me 5 years ago. Unbeknown to me, he'd been having an affair with a woman at work and he dropped the bombshell the day after Boxing Day. I didn't even see it coming! Our DS had just turned 2. Anyway, he eventually moved in with OW and they've been together ever since. I assume they're happy as he seems to be and they're planning their holidays for next year. Anyway, it made me think about other affairs and their 'success rates' for want of a better phrase!

I think if I had originally been the OW, I would forever have a nagging doubt that I may also get cast aside just as the wife before me. Anyway, not sure what point I'm trying to make other than surely not all outcomes of infidelity meet the same cliched end?

OP posts:
Heartoverheadheadoverheart · 07/12/2021 16:40

I know of a couple of people who left their marriages to run off with someone else. One couple stayed together for the rest of their lives, the other couple are still together 8 years later. Saying that I think the one who is still together with the women he ran off with regrets it but the former partner finally moved on after many years and ended up happier than him in the long run.

KylieKoKo · 07/12/2021 16:45

I think that's it's nice to think that relationships that start as affairs as all doomed and mistrustful because it seems that it would be fair. Unfortunately life isn't fair. Some people go onto have much happier relationships with their affair partners while the devastated spouse is left to rebuild their life.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 07/12/2021 16:48

I read some stat recently that previous infidelity = higher chance of repeat infidelity. In the Times I think. I’d expect that to be the case, though imo not all affairs are equal.

Mumoblue · 07/12/2021 16:52

I once saw “When a mistress becomes a wife, she creates a vacancy” and while I’m sure that’s not true in all cases, I think it’s something that affair partners should keep in mind.

scoobydoo1971 · 07/12/2021 16:52

There is a huge risk that what he did to you will repeat itself. Either he or his now-partner will get bored and have a case of the wandering eye. That old saying about marrying the mistress creates a vacancy is probably rather true. I have always made a rule never to date anyone who is seeing or in a relationship with another person, or recently separated. It just reduces the risk of being entangled in a giant emotional mess. To be fair, you don't know if your ex has a new mistress already, or one lined up. I would focus on you and your happiness. Nothing of that affair was your fault, and in time then you may come to appreciate it was a lucky escape from a man with lower standards in morality than yourself.

ILoveHuskies · 07/12/2021 16:54

My DB left his first wife to be with ow. Very brief overlap - was a big shock to us all but he said to us he'd never been properly happy with ex.

He does seem much happier with his "new" wife and they've now been together longer than he was with XW. They've had 3 dc plus she had a child already when they got together, she is lovely I prefer her to exw

Sadly his now grown up DS from his first marriage is nc with him as he couldn't forgive him for leaving. So DB has not seen his ds for years and also has two gc now who he probably will never meet, his new DC have never met their half brother either. I do sometimes wonder if he'd still have left his first DW if he knew all that would happen. So I personally don't think it's much of a success story

cookiemonster2468 · 07/12/2021 16:56

Surely not all outcomes of infidelity meet the same cliched end?

No, of course they don't.

Sometimes people are in marriages that just aren't working for whatever reason, and they meet somebody who is a better match for them outside of the marriage. Timing does not match up, feelings are strong and they just don't deal very well with the transitional period.

Not all relationships that are the result of infidelity will fail.

I don't doubt that if you get into a relationship with someone who has been unfaithful, they are more likely to do it again. But sometimes circumstances just aren't ideal and things happen the wrong way round.

cookiemonster2468 · 07/12/2021 16:59

@scoobydoo1971

There is a huge risk that what he did to you will repeat itself. Either he or his now-partner will get bored and have a case of the wandering eye. That old saying about marrying the mistress creates a vacancy is probably rather true. I have always made a rule never to date anyone who is seeing or in a relationship with another person, or recently separated. It just reduces the risk of being entangled in a giant emotional mess. To be fair, you don't know if your ex has a new mistress already, or one lined up. I would focus on you and your happiness. Nothing of that affair was your fault, and in time then you may come to appreciate it was a lucky escape from a man with lower standards in morality than yourself.
This is a pretty bleak outlook on humanity.

I'm not justifying affairs, but they're not always the result of a "wandering eye", sometimes they're the result of someone being very unhappy in a relationship and finding something that works much better for them.

They are never the best way of dealing with the situation but it's not always as Doom and Gloom as you make out.

ButterflyBlue13 · 07/12/2021 17:00

My mother had an affair and they was together for nearly 18 years before he died. We didn't hold any resentment as I do not see the point. My father was happier without her.

Usernamechanged · 07/12/2021 17:02

I know of three marriages that began as extra-marital affairs. Two are still going strong ten-odd years down the line…so far as you can tell from outside all appears happy. (Recognising that nobody ever really knows what happens inside somebody else’s marriage.) The third was a relative of mine and it lasted 20+ years till one party died suddenly.

Agree with a PP view. There is an MN mantra about all affairs being doomed, and anyone who has an undated fundamentally being a Bad Person out for what they can get, etc. To be clear I’m not condoning it, but I think real life is a quite a bit more nuanced than that. IMO people in happy relationships rarely have affairs. I’m not saying it’s a good thing or it’s ok, but I do believe this to be the case.

(Married, not having/ never have had an affair, for the record!)

Usernamechanged · 07/12/2021 17:03

Agree with cookiemonster!

BrilliantBetty · 07/12/2021 17:03

The women I know who have been the OW and then partner / wife have really struggled with the other relationships , such as friendship groups and the in laws.
It is hard to be seen anything other than the OW and it's been hard for them.
And the DC never accepted them as step mother.

I do know someone who was the OW turned wife who does now get on with the extended family and step DC, but it took until the original wife remarried before she was accepted.

litterbird · 07/12/2021 17:06

I know of 3 marriages that went south due to OW. All 3 of them are still with the OW after many, many years and seem pretty happy. I know of 2 who left for the OM and both those too are decades on and seem very happy. The man who left me for the OW crashed and burned 4 years later and begged me to come back....my first word to him was F*&k and the second word was OFF! So its just a question of luck I suppose!

Piggyk2 · 07/12/2021 17:07

I think it does happen but the chances of a man leaving his wife are slim and I dont think bragging on MN would go down too well.

I think OW will always be aware how she got him is all how she could loose him too.

noirchatsdeux · 07/12/2021 17:10

My father left for OW 32 years ago, married her 2 years later and 30 years on they are still married.

I also know from my friends group 3 currently happy marriages started with the wife being the OW.

So in my experience the 'fling with OW' isn't always going to crash and burn...

hygtt · 07/12/2021 17:11

The one I know of are still together but he repeatedly begged to be taken back so i'm not sure if he's truly happy

Gensola · 07/12/2021 17:11

@ILoveHuskies that’s really sad Sad it’s a shame they couldn’t put it behind them. My mum had an affair and left my dad but I’d never have cut her off, it would have been cutting my own nose of to spite my face. I guess it depends on how good your relationship is with the parent previously maybe.

minipie · 07/12/2021 17:15

I’m sure there are plenty of happy exH/OW couples and exW/OM couples too.

However the one thing you can say without doubt is that the man has shown himself willing to cheat.

If I was the OW and I’d “got the man” this would mean I’d always have that tiny seed of mistrust no matter how compatible we were.

I think perhaps this is why so many second wives/partners need to convince themselves that the first wife is awful or crazy - it makes their H somehow less of a cheater and less likely it might happen to them.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 07/12/2021 17:17

My exH and OW have been together 22 years, they married years ago. We are all past that now and I was invited to their evening do, which I attended. Holding a grudge, when it so obviously worked out for them is childish IMO.

GreyCarpet · 07/12/2021 17:20

My exh had an affair. Our marriage was dead. We never had sex and we did sleep separately. It's not always a lie.

They are still together 9 years later and are really happy.

Good luck to them, I say. Everyone deserves to he happy.

TheRigatonini · 07/12/2021 17:21

Just look at Richard and Judy.

I think the serial cheaters are also probably less likely to leave their partner willingly, as they’re people who want the stability of a relationship without foregoing the thrill of shagging around and single life.

Starcup · 07/12/2021 17:21

All the affair couples that I know have split up. Low and behold the one that hard the affair had another one. Leopards don’t change their spots and all

Honeyroar · 07/12/2021 17:22

My ex fiancé ran off with the OW just before our wedding. That was 20 years ago. I believe they’re still together. I think they’re much better suited as a couple than we were, but Im glad I’m not her. He could lie like a pro. When it all blew up he said “it’s normal, everyone at work has had an affair at some point and my expectations (of fidelity and honesty) were OTT. I’m now long happy with someone better and it’s all ancient history. I do wish he’d just had the balls to leave without all the drama of a wedding to cancel and thousands of pounds down the drain!

GreyCarpet · 07/12/2021 17:25

@Starcup

All the affair couples that I know have split up. Low and behold the one that hard the affair had another one. Leopards don’t change their spots and all
I know 5 couples that started out as affairs.

Only 2 of them are no longer together and only 1 of those was because of cheating.

It's easy to blame the 'cheater' when, sometimes, the reality is people just fall out of love; fall in love with someone else or just grow apart.

Sometimes the impetus to leave isn't there until there is another person.

We all know the too bad to stay, too good to leave scenario.

SparklyGlasses · 07/12/2021 17:26

My Exh and his OW are now living together nearly 10 years after we split. It hasn't all been plain sailing though and up until around a few years ago, I think he was a bit of an arse to her (through the grapevine). I also think it has been at great personal cost to her and they haven't had children (I assume ex's choice). So, they're together and I assume happy but she seems to have literally clung on tooth and nail no matter what to get there! But, none of that is my lookout, I've moved on and am happy and my ex being happy definitely makes my life easier (he's much more amenable now!) so it's all good in my book.

I'm very impressed however with how clean she keeps what used to be my kitchen floor. I never managed it, the dirt just seemed to cling to it and I know it isn't my ex doing it! (or if it is him, I'm even more impressed with her Grin).

I also agree with @minipie: I think perhaps this is why so many second wives/partners need to convince themselves that the first wife is awful or crazy - it makes their H somehow less of a cheater and less likely it might happen to them.

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