When the OW gets her man

[SaintVal]

This is following on from a thread where someone is having an affair with a married man who claims his marriage is on the rocks. The majority of the replies are telling the OP to wake up/grow up and to get a grip on reality and that ultimately, he will come up with an excuse as to why he can't leave his wife etc. However, what about the OW who does eventually get her man?

My exH left me 5 years ago. Unbeknown to me, he'd been having an affair with a woman at work and he dropped the bombshell the day after Boxing Day. I didn't even see it coming! Our DS had just turned 2. Anyway, he eventually moved in with OW and they've been together ever since. I assume they're happy as he seems to be and they're planning their holidays for next year. Anyway, it made me think about other affairs and their 'success rates' for want of a better phrase!

I think if I had originally been the OW, I would forever have a nagging doubt that I may also get cast aside just as the wife before me. Anyway, not sure what point I'm trying to make other than surely not all outcomes of infidelity meet the same cliched end?

why do people automatically equate longevity with being happy?

maybe the person who dumped their spouse for the affair partner secretly deep down realises the enormous destruction and hurt they caused and even tho they will never admit it, are not prepared to do it again - hence they stay with the affair partner.
Because they cannot be bothered / the affair partner is better than being lonely.

Just because a relationship has lasted 15, 20, 30 years does not automatically mean it is happy.

Busting up a marriage/committed relationship in any circumstances is stressful and painful - maybe these people reach their expended energy level in terms of being prepared to wreak havoc in other peoples lives, not because they start to respect other people but because they are getting old and cannot be arsed to start again, again. Men in particular as they get older are looking for someone to "look after" them so if they have that with affair partner I reckon they will stick with it, not because the affair partner is the love of their life.

There's a big difference depending on how you behave during the 'affair'. For some, there's the thrill of being sneaky and keeping it a secret, while for others, it's about feelings, not sex in hotels or cheating on a partner.

I met someone else when I was married, and he was married too. There were feelings that grew and we both left our relationships before anything became physical. There was no sneaking around and no lying, but I still carry shame and guilt that we met the way we did. We caused a lot of hurt and upheaval and worry, and I wish things had been different but we put ourselves first.

Now, 15 years later, we are still together and he is the love of my life. We make each other incredibly happy, even on shitty days and we couldn't be stronger. We've built a wonderful life together with our children. My ex moved on incredibly quickly and has remarried, and we have remained close, which I'm grateful for.

I'm not proud of our beginning and I'm always striving to do the right thing to somehow make amends. I feel terrible for his ex, and I desperately hope that she is happy.

I'm not proud of having been the OW many years ago, but almost 30 years on we are still together and very happy.

The one I knew absolutely, totally loved the OW.

Trouble was, she liked the excitement of the sneaking around, high emotions, the thrill of having somebody choose her above what they already had (which, objectively, was pretty shit - when everybody who knows a couple is quietly thinking 'Oh God, they shouldn't be getting married, she doesn't even like him that much', there's a fairly high chance that it'll all end in tears a few years later, after all) - not the reality of a somewhat boring, staid bloke who adored her and never made a single demand because, as far as he was concerned, he'd met the most wonderful person in the world because she at least pretended that she vaguely liked him at the start.

She was seeing other people within a year. Took 2 for her to find the one she was going to leave him for, though.

It happens both ways. I know a few couples who started out as an affair while one or both were married to other people, yet are still happily together and devoted many decades later. It's shit to have a affair/cheat but sometimes I think people marry the wrong person and meet "the one" later in life.

But I also know a few who are "thrill of the chase" types (some men, some women) who fall madly passionately in love, "this is forever, my soulmate" etc, but within two years they are bored again and the eye starts roving.

I actually feel a bit sorry for the latter type. What happens when they get too old and saggy to attract anyone else? My husband's first wife married and divorced twice more after that. Now in and out of rehab with alcoholism. She's loaded too but some people are just never happy with what they've got.

@workshy44

A friend left her DH for another man. 10 years later still together but far from happy and I think they are only together still to make all the hurt they caused "worth it" Don't think she would still be with her husband if she hadn't left for OM but she might have found someone ultimately more suitable and would have ditched OM years ago if it wasn't for saving face etc

I know a lot of people with this story! They get caught having affairs and try to justify the damage caused by staying together and pretending they were soulmates who just couldn’t be kept apart. In reality it’s a nightmare.

I know a couple who are still together 7 years after it all began in the most clichéd way possible. But when he left his wife, she told the OW (who is a family member of ours), “you can keep him, you weren’t the first and you won’t be the last”. And that proved to be true. He cheated on the OW about 4 years in but she forgave him. And then married him anyway. No one thinks it is going to last. No one respects the relationship. And his extended family are politely contemptuous of her. He’s perfectly pleasant company but he’s a weak and immature middle aged man.

My dad left my mum for the other woman, they were married 20 years and have just divorced 🤷🏼‍♀️

@bubblesbubbles11

why do people automatically equate longevity with being happy?

maybe the person who dumped their spouse for the affair partner secretly deep down realises the enormous destruction and hurt they caused and even tho they will never admit it, are not prepared to do it again - hence they stay with the affair partner.
Because they cannot be bothered / the affair partner is better than being lonely.

Just because a relationship has lasted 15, 20, 30 years does not automatically mean it is happy.

Busting up a marriage/committed relationship in any circumstances is stressful and painful - maybe these people reach their expended energy level in terms of being prepared to wreak havoc in other peoples lives, not because they start to respect other people but because they are getting old and cannot be arsed to start again, again. Men in particular as they get older are looking for someone to "look after" them so if they have that with affair partner I reckon they will stick with it, not because the affair partner is the love of their life.

With my DB, it is just glaringly obvious he's much happier , it's not just because he "says it" he doesn't need to say it.

It's how he looks at her as well, the love in his eyes. I never saw him look at his ex like that. Not even on their wedding day 😬 . And they're still tactile, they still hold hands etc even after 15 years or so

They just generally suit each other more, him and his ex never looked right together.

That said, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone. Some may be just grimly hanging on in there so as not to destroy another family. And in DBS case it's sad he's had to swap a relationship with his first child for a properly happy marriage 😞

I love how balanced this thread is.
Not condoning affairs but sometimes people find themselves in situations they never expected and find someone in life they are far more compatible with. Of course its easy to say leave first but relationships are complex.
Of course there are some people who want to take what they can get and are selfish etc etc but sometimes people who are very good and decent human beings can have affairs.

@Piggyk2

I think it does happen but the chances of a man leaving his wife are slim and I dont think bragging on MN would go down too well.

I think OW will always be aware how she got him is all how she could loose him too.

This.

Plus the couples who got together after having affair and look happy together and are still together, there's no way for us to know whether the reason they're still happy is because one or both of them are having another new secret affair....

Of course its easy to say leave first but relationships are complex.

Really? What would justify not leaving first but starting an affair instead?

Mine did! We had a 1 yr old and he had an affair
I found out and he thought it would be okay 😂😂 I sent him packing and he married her
They are still together, honestly I don't know how she does it. That was 15 years ago.
I had a very lucky escape and am very much happier.

Of course its easy to say leave first but relationships are complex.

Really? What would justify not leaving first but starting an affair instead?

------
relationships which start by an "overlap" will always be different from those which start when both parties are single.
Overlap relationships always have an element of cake eating - however much the first spouse back home was "wrong" for the cheating spouse, the cheating spouse will still be getting SOMETHING out of the first spouse up till the day he/she leaves.

This is what makes the disrespect so hurtful - it really is using (both the spouse and the affair partner ironically) both parties as commodities - hence the painful "pick me" dances which can humiliatingly happen. It is totally dehumanising for everyone apart from the spouse who is cheating

I’m the OW who got her man or, in the interests of equality. My DH is the OM who got his woman. Either way we have been together 20 years now and both much happier. I think the vacancy thing is glib. Some pet have issues with fidelity but others are in the wrong relationship. I’ve never worried at all about DH’s faithfulness. Nice to see a
Mumsnet thread on this topic that is more nuanced and less bile ridden than usual!

I was separated. So was my DH . (Although hid ex dw would say it was a trial separation)

They were married 13 years with 4 kids. I had 3 and was very amicably divorced

We have been married 26 years. Not having children had made our union extremely strong .

Trouble with these threads is we all know someone who is still with their affair partner. But the stats are really clear and paint a very bad picture.

Easily googled statistics point to only 5-7% of affairs ending in marriage and then 75% of those leading to divorce in the first five years. Pretty grim.

Add in the fact that someone who has cheated is 3-4 times more likely to cheat in a subsequent relationship than those that haven’t.

Cheaters are not good bets!

Tiredofbs123

i think you are correct I have read similar things

How about Charles and Camilla?
Much as I hate to say it, they both look so relaxed, at ease, and as if they were always meant to be.

@bubblesbubbles11

why do people automatically equate longevity with being happy?

maybe the person who dumped their spouse for the affair partner secretly deep down realises the enormous destruction and hurt they caused and even tho they will never admit it, are not prepared to do it again - hence they stay with the affair partner.
Because they cannot be bothered / the affair partner is better than being lonely.

Just because a relationship has lasted 15, 20, 30 years does not automatically mean it is happy.

Busting up a marriage/committed relationship in any circumstances is stressful and painful - maybe these people reach their expended energy level in terms of being prepared to wreak havoc in other peoples lives, not because they start to respect other people but because they are getting old and cannot be arsed to start again, again. Men in particular as they get older are looking for someone to "look after" them so if they have that with affair partner I reckon they will stick with it, not because the affair partner is the love of their life.

Agree with this so much. I would never cheat on someone and I've never been cheated on myself (well as far as I know!) so no sour grapes from me, but I've seen this dynamic many times in other relationships.

A person in a relationship always has a choice. Despite what cheaters like to claim to make themselves feel better, there are many of us who wouldn't and don't cheat. It tells you something fundamental about someone's character and morals if they choose to cheat on their most intimate relationship rather than end a relationship in a different way (or work on the relationship if applicable ).

For someone to cheat, you had to be comfortable lying to and deceiving your partner in the most selfish and destructive way possible, as well happy risking the knock-on impact on any children . Such character traits simply aren't compatible with loving, trusting relationships, so naturally most of these affair relationships will ultimately fail. Also, since both parties are clearly good at deceiving even their most intimate partner, it'll be easy for them to put up a "happy" front to others outside the relationship to save face, even if they weren't actually that happy in reality.

My XH and the OW have been together 8 years now. They look wrecked (social media snooping) but that is because they have small kids. I think they are happy. XH and I were the most shit couple ever, we were miserable, very badly suited (although would have made fantastic friends) and seperately self destructing due to the stress of living together. It was probably the saving of both of us that he met her because I couldn't let him go despite wanting to murder him daily.

@BreathingDeep, your empathy is a positive sign and if your husband is the same then the relationship is more likely to be successful.

My theory - in some cases people find they have married the wrong people and have an affair as an exit strategy. If they try to minimise the hurt and show kindness and compassion for the cheated on partner(s) then I think these affairs are more likely to succeed, as it shows emotional intelligence.

Conversely those who have affairs and then treat their ex partners terribly post discovery are less likely to succeed as they are selfish, unkind and lacking in empathy.

This is who they are, so will never be able to have a successful relationship and more likely to cheat again as unable to compromise or be kind.

Op, so if your ex had an affair and treated you badly then there is less likeihood of a happy ever after.

@Musmerian

I’m the OW who got her man or, in the interests of equality. My DH is the OM who got his woman. Either way we have been together 20 years now and both much happier. I think the vacancy thing is glib. Some pet have issues with fidelity but others are in the wrong relationship. I’ve never worried at all about DH’s faithfulness. Nice to see a Mumsnet thread on this topic that is more nuanced and less bile ridden than usual!

@Musmerian what a strange thing to say. Just because you're not worried about your husband's faithfulness, it doesn't mean he's not having an affair.

The vast majority of people who get cheated on weren't worried about their partner cheating or were sitting around expecting it. He successfully hid his deceit from his ex despite originally choosing to commit to her exclusively so no reason why he couldn't hide it from you in some.way

His ex wife would have thought the same as you at one point...

The grass is always greener for some. My exh married the OW but was found having sex with another OW of his at the reception.

He’s been through multiple relationships, many of which were his children’s nanny (childcare).

Quite glad he went off with the first OW, she rang me when he was having an affair with Nanny1 wanting sympathy, she was a bit miffed when I told her I knew exactly how it felt being as she did it to me, ha ha, so much karma that day!

Me, took me ten years to find him but I’m with my Diamond Geezer 😊😊😊❤️❤️

My DF divorced DM and left her with 3 young children (one only 6 months old) to be with 20yo OW. He had been seeing OW for over a year and she had met his DC (under the guise of being his friend). Was with her 6 years before they had 3 more children and got married. Appeared extremely happy and perfect for one another. Far more suited than his marriage to DM. Eventually everyone welcomed OW. After 20 years together they split up as it turned out OW was cheating on DF with his best friend of 30+ years and another guy she met online. Their 3 teenage children knew and it was one of them that accidentally let the secret slip. DF moved out and OW ran up huge bills on the house (including a re-mortgage that DF did not sign for but did nothing about when he found out) and sold everything before screwing him over financially. Guy she met online and her have now been together 10+ years and appear happy.