When the OW gets her man

[SaintVal]

This is following on from a thread where someone is having an affair with a married man who claims his marriage is on the rocks. The majority of the replies are telling the OP to wake up/grow up and to get a grip on reality and that ultimately, he will come up with an excuse as to why he can't leave his wife etc. However, what about the OW who does eventually get her man?

My exH left me 5 years ago. Unbeknown to me, he'd been having an affair with a woman at work and he dropped the bombshell the day after Boxing Day. I didn't even see it coming! Our DS had just turned 2. Anyway, he eventually moved in with OW and they've been together ever since. I assume they're happy as he seems to be and they're planning their holidays for next year. Anyway, it made me think about other affairs and their 'success rates' for want of a better phrase!

I think if I had originally been the OW, I would forever have a nagging doubt that I may also get cast aside just as the wife before me. Anyway, not sure what point I'm trying to make other than surely not all outcomes of infidelity meet the same cliched end?

I was the OW. Neither of us were married but he was in a relationship. We’ve been together 27 years and we’re very happy.

And i certainly don’t regret it one bit.

Sometimes people marry the wrong person. And it takes them years to realise that. And sometimes not until they meet the right person. Not excusing affairs At All, but I've seen several situations like this. And the relationship with that right person is lasting and good.

I can see why it would make a cheated on partner feel better to tell themselves that their partner cheated because they have a fundamental flaw that means that the relationship they have with the OW will be bad. However that doesn't make it true.

I think when it happens to you people feel the need to say something supportive and comforting so you hear a lot of ‘he’ll be back’, ‘she’ll never be able to trust him’, ‘leopards don’t change their spots’ etc.. and at the time it’s probably helpful to believe some of those things. But often in these scenarios much planning and thought has been going on in the background by the cheating spouse for quite some time. And many of the cliches simply aren’t true.

My exH is still with OW. I have a new partner also. I actually hope my ex and his girlfriend stay together forever because we all get along very amicably and I wish only good things for him. Took a couple of years to recover from the initial shock, humiliation, anger, betrayal, fear and loneliness but I got there. Life’s too short and there’s enough hate in the world. You can’t make someone want to stay with you. It makes me sad that I didn’t make him happy but ultimately I now suspect that he met someone with whom he was more compatible. I think we just grew apart. The most important thing is that we still get along well and coparent well.

My dad left his 35 year marriage to my mum for OW. He married her and after about 10 years he died and very sorry man as the grass wasn't greener. She got the family home though so that's nice for her.

My ex cheated on me 30 years ago. He is still with her. They married about 25 years ago and have grown up kids now.and have a good life together. Although it hurt at the time, they are more suited for each other and my life turned out great for me as well.
My casual friend's husband left her 15 years ago and that is another successful relationship. Again married, each got grown up children now who all get on and socialize with each other. Ex wife still bitter but the ( not so) new partner was embraced by family and friends immediately.
I know of a few others as well from over the years. One woman left her husband about 4 years ago for a bloke shevdumoed 35 years ago to marry her 1st husband. She seems over the moon with her latest marriage but she does seem to like drama! Theres always something to talk about in our village!

I was OW. We were the together for 30 years and married for 25 of those. We were together/married for much longer than his first marriage.

Someone I knew was a serial mover on, married them, had another affair, overlapped, divorced and then re married, numerous times.

One thing I did notice was all her friends were divorcees, none were long term commited marriges with one person.

They would talk about step children and ex wives, their bond was obvious. Just a lot of white washing and re writing of history.

Of course every stuation is different but I must admit going through life the elderly couples who had stayed the course and were still respectful and amiable to one another really caught my respect.

I do think women who allow themselves to get into the ‘other woman’ position are less secure and desperate to please and so that might be a huge reason why these marriages tend to last. They’re probably deliberately looking the other way. In my experience every man I know who cheated is still cheating on his second or third wife (either physically or emotionally) - the only difference is that the wives who were OW play dumb about it.

I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking it will end and there is going to be this fantastic om or ow in so many years who is going to come along and save them from their first union.

It normally ends because one party is selfish and immature and for that reason I believe the very nature of someone who has cheated is not a sure fire bet.

The dynamics of the next relationship's sucess is probably due to the fact of the new partners ability to put up with what is required of the selfish one, or the ability to remain attractive for longer than the previous partner.

My ex is still with OW, don't know if they are happier together but I'm certainly happier without him even if I'm still single. He lost his friends through his actions so that must have had an effect but eh. He made his bed.

My ex cheated on me. We were married 31 years.

I had suspicions he was cheating and had voiced these concerns to be told, I needed help, I was going mad, he was disgusted by my behaviour !!! He got caught, still lied about it, said it wasn’t what it seemed, denied any affair, then asked if we could work it out!!!!!
Once he was told by me, no, there was no working it out, he proceeded to tell everyone he had been unhappy for years. Oh and it wasn’t the first time he cheated on me.

I think in this cases like this, the chances of the affair lasting are pretty low. I do think the majority of affairs don’t last however, if you leave your spouse/partner before you are caught there is a higher chance it will work out.

Who would ever have imagined that Camilla would one day be Queen in waiting?

My ex had an affair but I didn’t get to know until a year after we split. It didn’t hurt me to know about it, our marriage had been dead for such a long time the affair may have even given me respite.

Someone once said to me that women leave when they are fed up of being unhappy and unhappy men wait until they find a replacement. I think there is a big element of truth in this… there are far more married men to be found in OLD than attractive women looking out for married men.

My uncle was having an affair with his now wife, this was 20 years ago and it came out shortly after burying my grandad, his dad. I loved my auntie and he literally torn the family apart, his girls, my cousins, in their 30's now don't speak to him. He ended up running off and getting married and told them after, however, 20 odd years later they are still together, in there 50s now

IMO people in happy relationships rarely have affairs. I’m not saying it’s a good thing or it’s ok, but I do believe this to be the case.

Depends how you quantify what a "happy" relationship is. In m experience, "happy" has usually meant "what the cheating partner feels they're entitled to".

So, yeah, if the fact you're suddenly no longer as young and lithe as that adoring girl (or guy - I've known more than a couple of those too) causes the cheating partner to feel resentment, then I guess that relationship is, indeed, "unhappy" from their point-of-view.

Or if you're no longer as bouncy or spontaneous as when you were teenagers, because, you know, we've got responsibilities now.

Or they don't get your full attention like they did, because, you know, kids need your attention sometimes too. Yeah, I've seen how that's made some feel that they're no longer "making each other happy".

Bar a few, miniscule, special circumstances, most affairs have been performed by someone wanting to escape. But the cause of them wanting them to escape hasn't necessarily what we, here, would empiracly judge an unhappy relationship. It's been (all real examples) because they couldn't handle the stress of their partner's cancer diagnosos and treatment, or work becoming too stressful, or a parental bereavement or just plain having kids.

Basically life became tough and they wanted to escape. I get that. just the way they chose to self-medicate was through adoration of someone else or a saying their hard circumstances justified and entitled them being selfish "just this once".

(Apologies for the terrible grammar in my post - I typed and posted way too fast!)

I think there's a big difference in serial adulterers who hide affair after affair and those that have an "exit affair." The ones that left fairly soon after meeting the OW and we're not chests in general are all happily married years later. They weren't best suited to their first wives and didn't have the emotional maturity to do it differently. It's not ideal but life rarely is. I would classify both as good men. One has grown up a lot in his second marriage. The other has dealt with sorting out a fairly crap childhood that he never processed. People are rarely able to be put into such neat and tidy boxes as Mumsnet would have you believe.

@TossaCointoYerWitcha Good post.

I agree, a marriage that becomes unhappy is not some sort of separate identity that just happens.

It is through breakdown of communication, feelings and empathy, I have always found in relationships one partner to have some sort of upper hand in getting their own way, their feelings trumping the other.

9 times out of ten it is the selfish one who feels unhappy, becomes unhappy and requires more.

There is usually the turn around of blame, blaming the partner who was less needy, less expecting and more mature in their outlook of marriage.

There is s selfishness that trumps the feeling of others, and it is this, that destroys marriages long before any affair starts.

You can look on these boards and see the young women who are complaining of their partners being insensitive, un kind and thoughtless.

These are the very women who after putting up with their partners behaviour for so long, end up being thanked by their husband by having an affair and running off.

There are some very unfair people out there.
It's a pity they cannot see or even admit it.

IMO people in happy relationships rarely have affairs. I’m not saying it’s a good thing or it’s ok, but I do believe this to be the case.

Depends how you quantify what a "happy" relationship is. In m experience, "happy" has usually meant "what the cheating partner feels they're entitled to".

Exactly. My ex said he had his affairs because he wanted to have sex with someone new. I could never be someone new, so he felt he was unhappy in the relationship if he did not get his side pieces. Otherwise, he did want to stay married to me and to live his life in domestic bliss with me and the kids.

My ex left for OW a few years ago, at first seemed happy but last two years it's gine very toxic. All he does is give out about her, cheat on her, and I've heard its got physical. But she seems determined to cling on. I know him. This just makes him resent her more and more. He is very depressed now.

I don't take much joy out of it tbh. I've totally moved on, though single, but happy. Initially I'd have given anything to see them both miserable, but now it's actually happened It makes me uneasy. I wish she'd just leave, find someone new. She's desperate for kids but he doesn't want anymore. So I dont understand why she is so desperate to stay. She's even allowed him to run up huge amounts of debt in het name. He roared laughing when he told me.

It's all a bit tragic really.

But it worked for my cousin, he left for ow and couldn't be happier, they'd be 15 years together now, married with a child. He's much better suited with her, even his ex has said so, and its all very amicable now. His ex buys their child a gift every year. He also has an older child with ex, hence there's still contact.

So I guess it can go either way.

So many times the wife is left trying to justify why it is not their fault that the partner left, even when it's blindingly obvious the cheater is the one who had been reaping the benefits of the marriage more than the one who was betrayed.

The only good in this outcome is when the betrayed finally takes back control of their lives, sanity, time and self respect which their partners spent years destroying.

I wonder how many ow who got their man are totally happy with the outcome ?

People are complex, relationships and feelings are complex. The person who was left will always hope for "karma" and fantasise about how much happy he/she is and how much unhappier the cheater will be in their new relationship. The upheaval of being cheated on, especially when there are children involved, is massive and becomes a central part of the "cheated on" partner's life which will always hurt.

But the reality is, some couples are not well suited to one another, and sometimes a new person appears who is suited, and meets at the right/wrong time when one of the partners is in a low emotional time, or very relaxed because they never thought they would fall in love with someone else... and falling in love completely changes perspectives, changes plans and what the person thought he/she would ever do.

I only cheated once when I was a teenager with a boyfriend of 5 months, never as an adult ion long relationships. But I have seen enough cases to know that is it never as simple as "the OM/OW will never be happy, there will be a vacancy, they will never feel good"... I am sure many people want to believe that, but it's bullshit. Partners who never cheat can also go on to have shit relationships. OWs and OMs can go on to have an amazing relationship. Karma, no matter how much we like to believe in it, does not exist. Plenty of Nazi criminals died calmly in their bed in their Caribbean house surrounded by family and loved ones after committing the worst atrocities imaginable. Sometimes bad things happen to bad people, sometimes bad things happen to good people, and the same with good things.

What I do know is, keeping grudges and being bitter about anything, cheating included, and keeping thinking about revenge and karma years later, hoping that the other person lives a miserable life, only hurts the person who feels like that. The cheater may well be living the best years of their life, or the worst. This should not make a difference in yourself striving to live the best life you can and putting hurtful feelings behind. Turning the cheater into a "monster" may provide short-term relief and feelings of fairness... but long term it is just not useful. A person who cheated on you may still be a fantastic partner for someone else, a great son, a fantastic friend... Just not a good partner for YOU in particular circumstances, in a particular point of time. Accept this, move on, forgive, be happy.

@BrilliantBetty

The women I know who have been the OW and then partner / wife have really struggled with the other relationships , such as friendship groups and the in laws. It is hard to be seen anything other than the OW and it's been hard for them. And the DC never accepted them as step mother.

I do know someone who was the OW turned wife who does now get on with the extended family and step DC, but it took until the original wife remarried before she was accepted.

I’ve seen this too. Showing you have poor morals means some people will treat you with “quiet contempt” as mentioned by a previous poster, or outright dislike or pity, but definitely distrust of the man and the OW.

@aurynne

People are complex, relationships and feelings are complex. The person who was left will always hope for "karma" and fantasise about how much happy he/she is and how much unhappier the cheater will be in their new relationship. The upheaval of being cheated on, especially when there are children involved, is massive and becomes a central part of the "cheated on" partner's life which will always hurt.

But the reality is, some couples are not well suited to one another, and sometimes a new person appears who is suited, and meets at the right/wrong time when one of the partners is in a low emotional time, or very relaxed because they never thought they would fall in love with someone else... and falling in love completely changes perspectives, changes plans and what the person thought he/she would ever do.

I only cheated once when I was a teenager with a boyfriend of 5 months, never as an adult ion long relationships. But I have seen enough cases to know that is it never as simple as "the OM/OW will never be happy, there will be a vacancy, they will never feel good"... I am sure many people want to believe that, but it's bullshit. Partners who never cheat can also go on to have shit relationships. OWs and OMs can go on to have an amazing relationship. Karma, no matter how much we like to believe in it, does not exist. Plenty of Nazi criminals died calmly in their bed in their Caribbean house surrounded by family and loved ones after committing the worst atrocities imaginable. Sometimes bad things happen to bad people, sometimes bad things happen to good people, and the same with good things.

What I do know is, keeping grudges and being bitter about anything, cheating included, and keeping thinking about revenge and karma years later, hoping that the other person lives a miserable life, only hurts the person who feels like that. The cheater may well be living the best years of their life, or the worst. This should not make a difference in yourself striving to live the best life you can and putting hurtful feelings behind. Turning the cheater into a "monster" may provide short-term relief and feelings of fairness... but long term it is just not useful. A person who cheated on you may still be a fantastic partner for someone else, a great son, a fantastic friend... Just not a good partner for YOU in particular circumstances, in a particular point of time. Accept this, move on, forgive, be happy.

@aurynne, with all due respect, its blatently obvious you've never been the cheated upon partner in a long-term, commtted relationship with huge sunken costs. Apologies if I'm wrong.

I'm saying that as someone who knows that people, relationships and feelings are, indeed, complex. So much so that, whilst I appreciate its well-intentioned, your advice of "accept this, move on, forgive, be happy" is incredibly, naively, simplistic.

I'll be honest, I was cheated on. It was nothing like I imagined it would be. I've been told I'm a reasonably emotionally intelligent guy. I thought I'd be the vengeance-dealing person, all Gloria Gaynor "I will survive!" In truth I felt like my head was a glass vase that had been dropped off a skyscraper and smashed on the pavement below. There's so much more to it than "grr... that evil person!" and by saying "I forgive you!" all is well. You have to be there, honestly. I would have thought the same before.