When the OW gets her man

[SaintVal]

This is following on from a thread where someone is having an affair with a married man who claims his marriage is on the rocks. The majority of the replies are telling the OP to wake up/grow up and to get a grip on reality and that ultimately, he will come up with an excuse as to why he can't leave his wife etc. However, what about the OW who does eventually get her man?

My exH left me 5 years ago. Unbeknown to me, he'd been having an affair with a woman at work and he dropped the bombshell the day after Boxing Day. I didn't even see it coming! Our DS had just turned 2. Anyway, he eventually moved in with OW and they've been together ever since. I assume they're happy as he seems to be and they're planning their holidays for next year. Anyway, it made me think about other affairs and their 'success rates' for want of a better phrase!

I think if I had originally been the OW, I would forever have a nagging doubt that I may also get cast aside just as the wife before me. Anyway, not sure what point I'm trying to make other than surely not all outcomes of infidelity meet the same cliched end?

‘I don't think the cause of a divorce matters to children’

This was your original comment. I responded to that. The cause does matter, the way the parents handle it is driven by the cause.

@Tiredofbs123 totally agreed.
I’ve seen the difference the causes of divorce make to the way children are treated/affected afterwards by parents in my work too. On a daily basis. It can alter the dynamic of how well or badly the divorced/ separated couple handle the co-parenting and even despicably influence whether children get used in the process as bargaining chips or ‘badges of honour’ to show the world. “See? They don’t even want to see their mum/ dad therefore they love me more therefore I’m the better parent.”
I’ve had to sit as a witness (child in question chose me as the non-related/non-biased adult they could take with them) with a very young child and their father’s lawyer, who insisted on this farce to make sure a child was given the opportunity to accept a birthday present. It was one of the most depressing days of my career and I’ll never forget it. I knew the reasons, but adults need to adult and not put children through stuff to prove or score points against each other, no matter how badly someone was treated in the marriage. The main concern should be the children.
Divorce/ separation and how the aftermath is handled changes young lives dramatically one way or the other. How the relationship ended has a huge impact on what happens next.

[quote Deisogn]@Tiredofbs123 I don't think the cause of a divorce matters to children. The cause of a divorce is nothing to do with them. In an affair the parent isn't choosing anyone over them anymore than anyone who wants a divorce. There is a huge amount amount of hurt to the spouse. It only bleeds onto the children if the adults let it. [/quote]
No the cause may not matter to children, but the cause definitely affects children.

Whether you think the parent who has an affair is not in any way choosing to put themselves before the welfare of their children is debatable.

"I’m sorry but it DOES matter. A couple splitting amicably or even after ‘discussed’ and open marriage difficulties are going to be in a much better position to support the children through the change. Even if there are hurt parties.

Affairs bring sudden departures, feelings of abandonment, betrayed spouses suffering with PTSD and anxiety, cheaters self obsessed and/or addicted to the affair partner, children who have seen the strange behaviours of the cheat towards the betrayed for months, children who have intercepted messages, or know what’s happening, the list is endless, and the damage is huge."

All of the above is spot on.

my ex had an affair, I told him that was it when I found out

he then said with ow, they married and had a dc

then after 4 years when dc was just 3 months old he left for

ow

who he stayed with for a while, 6 years and then he left for

ow, who he is now married to and has been for 4 years

his children don't like this one, but know its not a long ;lasting problem.....

@ivykaty44

He sounds adorable.

Never quite makes it to the seven year itch.

ivykaty44

your experience sounds a bit familiar to mine.

It is weird - it is almost like getting married and/or having kids is a kind of "experience" for them (like a theme park ride or something) and actual other people are not really a thing (hence they seem to have a chip missing in their brain if anyone suggests what they are doing might hurt other people).

In the case of my ex, shortly before he left he said lots of things like "having kids is the worst thing I have done" (our kids were 3 and 4 at the time) and then he left for the much younger OW and low and behold he got her pregnant and then married her - watching from afar it is like his trump card to the OW he is now married to is "Oh I know how to do this whole marriage and children thing because I've done it all before, I am so wise" and the path he has taken is like someone's "hobby" that they "know how to do". Bizarre.

@bubblesbubbles11

Yes these wise types

They tend to be the ones who have Frank Sinatra's 'I did it my way' played at their funeral.

onethdunes

yes my ex husband did indeed like listening to Frank!

Onthedunes

I think he really liked wedding cake

He is knocking on now and occasionally I have had to see him, he has the same jokes and catch phrases he had 20 odd years ago, it makes my skin crawl.

each new OW thinks he will go the distance, they are all deluded

My exW had an affair. The person I’ve been with for some years now makes me much happier and is a far better “fit” than my ex was.

Would that be different if I’d met her earlier and had an affair? I can’t think why that would be the case (other than possible guilt)

@ivykaty44

I think he really liked wedding cake

Don't they all like cake !

Oldest swingers in town, at least it gets funnier the older they get.
Laughing stock.

I was with my ex husband for 18 years of my life, I gave 17.5 years my all. I kept house while working full time, I raised our child alone while he worked unsociable hours...but then I gave .5 years next to nothing as I was seriously mentally ill and that was that- apparently the previous years meant nothing. We had one child, who never knew how ill her mother was. He found someone else when I was at my lowest. He embarked upon a relationship with her while we still lived in the same house. With our child. It was hard for me. I tried to not make it hard for our child.

He is still with her, living on the other side of the world.
My daughter and I are closer than I could ever wish. She has not been to see her father and his partner since they moved- not fuelled by me I have to say, but he asks when she is going to see him and yet makes no offer to fund the flights etc. Because even though he could afford it he sees that she is doing well for herself (and she is!) so she could afford it herself. Sucks to be you, daughter's dad, she'd rather use her annual leave coming home to me.

I have a related question that popped into my head reading this thread.

How long does the man have to be with the OW before she is no longer OW?

I've read threads here where people have talked about OW being with the bloke considerably longer than the first wife and yet still being called OW? And also OW having kids with the man when the first wide didn't- but is she still referred to as OW?

Just something I found a bit strange when you actually read the sentence - it sounds weird!

@Frankola I think I've even seen people on here referring to ex's partner as OW when they met after they split up!

@Frankola

I have a related question that popped into my head reading this thread.

How long does the man have to be with the OW before she is no longer OW?

I've read threads here where people have talked about OW being with the bloke considerably longer than the first wife and yet still being called OW? And also OW having kids with the man when the first wide didn't- but is she still referred to as OW?

Just something I found a bit strange when you actually read the sentence - it sounds weird!

It's bitterness, regarding the life they think another woman has stolen, that they still aren't over.

Because by continually referring to someone as the other woman, they are trying to validate their own position as the actual woman. It's ok when they use the past tense, but years later, and like you say, the new partners have been together far longer than the original ones, and the ex is still calling her that. It's an inability to move on.

"I am, and always will be the woman, you're just the other one"

It's quite sad really.

@mollysdolly @kyliekoko yes I agree. Very weird.

I once read a thread where the first wife had been married to the bloke for about 2 years and in that time they had 1 dc. He had an affair (yes he's a pig) but then he had been married to the "OW" for 20 odd years and had 3 kids with her but the first wife was complaining he was no longer contributing to their very adult dc and referring to the second wife as "OW" the whole way through.

In my heard I was thinking "well surely you're actually the OW at this point" considering the passage of time and how his 20 year plus family unit probably see things.

I wonder if the first wife sees that it's really subjective who OW is after time? Sure, she will always see the "second family" as being the other. But once the second family have surpassed the time the first wife was around wouldn't they see the first wife as the "other" woman?

@Frankola

I think society likes labeling people.

The ow, the abandonned wife, the bitter ex (as you have just done) the alchoholic, the gambler, the family man etc.

It's never going to change, people like to wrap someones nature up into a tight little package for ease and communication puposes, in other words gossip.

Sorry I think the bitter ex comment was @MollysDolly

Ah yes @onthedunes I haven't thought it about that way.

Quite interesting to think we go through being lots of different stereotypes in our lifetime. Maybe even ones we hate!

^It's bitterness, regarding the life they think another woman has stolen, that they still aren't over.

Because by continually referring to someone as the other woman, they are trying to validate their own position as the actual woman. It's ok when they use the past tense, but years later, and like you say, the new partners have been together far longer than the original ones, and the ex is still calling her that. It's an inability to move on.

"I am, and always will be the woman, you're just the other one"

It's quite sad really^

I don't think it is as simple as the above.
The above and the whole concept of the OW having "been with the man longer than the man was with the first wife" always has the underlying belief that the best relationships are the ones which last the longest. Yes sometimes a long duration in a relationship can be a sign that the two people are very compatible. However there are lots and lots of long lasting relationships where one or both people would, under other circumstances, have left either to be single or to be with someone else.
Just because the OW's relationship outlasted the first wife's marriage does not automatically mean (as the fairytales of romantic love in society would have you believe) that the first wife was wrong for the man and the OW was his true love. A long standing relationship with someone who was originally the OW does not automatically mean the OW is better suited.

All it means is (1) the person persisting in calling that person OW is saying that is still who the OW is in her eyes and that should not affect the OW at all (2) the man is someone who is prepared to be unfaithful whilst in a committed relationship and the OW is someone who is prepared to be part of behaviour which involves adultery by someone else.

"In my heard I was thinking "well surely you're actually the OW at this point" considering the passage of time and how his 20 year plus family unit probably see things."

This is absolute nonsense.
The first wife never becomes the "OW".
The term "OW" carries with it the assumption that the person who is the OW participated in something which was adultery by the other person.
The above sentence neatly summarises the horrible competitiveness of women which fuels this type of adultery namely "you had my man for 2 years, I had him for 20 odd years therefore I won"
Horrible.

And the above does not make any judgement about the rights or wrongs of someone complaining that the unfaithful man does not contribute to the life of children from a prior relationship - that is a completely separate matter.

@bubblesbubbles11 I don't necessarily think OW means adultery to absolutely everyone though. I think people use it to further their own labels.

My friend has been with her husband for 10 years in a happy marriage and they have 2 kids. He did have a prior relationship for a few years which resulted in a child. Now my friend calls this person the OW. Meaning it that this family is basically a secondary inconvenience to what she and he see as their primary family unit.

Now, I don't even know if I feel this is right or wrong etc but I do find it interesting that in friends case, the first family with no adultery involved, is the Other.

If I say “OM” when referring to my ex’s now partner when discussing the topic of their infidelity, it’s simply because it’s easier than saying “her partner who wasn’t her partner at the time but who she had an affair with whilst I was her partner before he was.”

To all intents and purposes, when discussing our break up and what led to it he is the “other man” in the sense he is - and always will be - the party who participated in adultery with my ex. I don’t see anything “bitter” in stating this - it’s simple fact, and to anyone wishing them not to be referred this way, I could as easily level an accusation that they’re trying to avoid being reminded of the messy circumstances of how their own relationship began. How “sad”.

I agree, I wouldn’t refer to the OM as such in conversations where that wasn’t relevant.

"Meaning it that this family is basically a secondary inconvenience"

This is precisely the origins of emotionally damaged children.