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Original poster

When the OW gets her man

275 replies

SaintVal · 07/12/2021 16:31

This is following on from a thread where someone is having an affair with a married man who claims his marriage is on the rocks. The majority of the replies are telling the OP to wake up/grow up and to get a grip on reality and that ultimately, he will come up with an excuse as to why he can't leave his wife etc. However, what about the OW who does eventually get her man?

My exH left me 5 years ago. Unbeknown to me, he'd been having an affair with a woman at work and he dropped the bombshell the day after Boxing Day. I didn't even see it coming! Our DS had just turned 2. Anyway, he eventually moved in with OW and they've been together ever since. I assume they're happy as he seems to be and they're planning their holidays for next year. Anyway, it made me think about other affairs and their 'success rates' for want of a better phrase!

I think if I had originally been the OW, I would forever have a nagging doubt that I may also get cast aside just as the wife before me. Anyway, not sure what point I'm trying to make other than surely not all outcomes of infidelity meet the same cliched end?

OP posts:
fournonblondes · 07/12/2021 17:28

You are not wrong there OP. My friend married her affair and this way a nightmare of a relationship. Ended up because the new spouse was so insecure-

PandorasMailbox · 07/12/2021 17:29

My ex BiL left my sister for a younger woman, who, apparently he'd been spending the mortgage money on while trying to impress her. My sister and her children were almost made homeless because of his behaviour.

He eventually married the OW thinking he was going to have a lovely carefree existence free of responsibility (she didn't want kids) Anyway, a couple of years ago, he asked my niece if her mum would take him back. She laughed her arse off.

The grass isn't always greener, it's just different grass.

ILoveHuskies · 07/12/2021 17:32

@trappedsincesundaymorn

My exH and OW have been together 22 years, they married years ago. We are all past that now and I was invited to their evening do, which I attended. Holding a grudge, when it so obviously worked out for them is childish IMO.
That's really nice, I love this 🥰

If you have dc with your ex they will really appreciate how amicable you are. You should be proud

Muchmorethan · 07/12/2021 17:32

My XH left me 4 years ago for OW. They are now married. I wish them both well.

ThackeryBinks · 07/12/2021 17:36

I saw my ex and the ow drive past me the other day. He was so angry he looked like a mad man and she was shouting. Made me chuckle I have to say!

workshy44 · 07/12/2021 17:36

A friend left her DH for another man. 10 years later still together but far from happy and I think they are only together still to make all the hurt they caused "worth it"
Don't think she would still be with her husband if she hadn't left for OM but she might have found someone ultimately more suitable and would have ditched OM years ago if it wasn't for saving face etc

LaBellaTrix · 07/12/2021 17:40

I worked with a woman who was a serial adulterer.

She cheated on her husband over and over again with various different men, but always came running home to her husband when the relationship went belly up once again.

Eventually, one of her affairs turned out to be her soulmate (yeah, right) and she left her husband and children (all under 10) to be with this man forever.

3 years on, they are still together. Her husband says he'd still take her back if she wanted to come home.

Muchmorethan · 07/12/2021 17:42

@GreyCarpet

My exh had an affair. Our marriage was dead. We never had sex and we did sleep separately. It's not always a lie.

They are still together 9 years later and are really happy.

Good luck to them, I say. Everyone deserves to he happy.

That's same as my situation. If my XH had been happy he'd never of had an affair as he isn't that sort of a man.

They are well suited and we all get on fine.

Life goes on.

MrsPleasant · 07/12/2021 17:42

I hoped my xh would be happy with the ow as it would have at least made what he did worthwhile in some way, that maybe he had genuinely met a person more right for him. As it was they broke up about 3 weeks after we separated, by which point too much damage had been done. What a waste of a marriage.

bubblesbubbles11 · 07/12/2021 17:43

this has happened to me.
I am not sure it is every possible to know whether the relationship between the spouse and OW is really "happier" than the first relationship.
It is so subjective and how can you really compare the two? And of course often times the spouse who runs off is going to SAY they are much happier - it makes sense - their new partner will like hearing that message and saying it will validate their choice against the backdrop of any hurt and destruction they have left behind.

I don't doubt there might be some relationships where the affair partner is a more suited match for the spouse who runs off.
But either way, what it does say about the spouse who leaves is that they are prepared to view relationships as entirely dispensable if the circumstances are right. And I think there are people in the world who view marriage/committed relationships as serious lifelong commitments and other people who fundamentally see them as some kind of "consumable" experience for them i.e. if the experience is no longer what they think is the "best they can get" they will dump one and move onto another.

24hoursfromtulsa · 07/12/2021 17:44

Family member of mine left his wife for his wife's best friend/ best friend's wife (same person). They went on to have 2 kids together and have been together now for around 40 years.

However, it's not all happy endings - he effectively abandoned his kids from his first marriage, treated them terribly and they no longer have anything to do with him. Mind you, same goes for most of the family as he is a selfish arse.

ChiaraRimini · 07/12/2021 17:46

I have a friend who was the "OW", she's been with her DH now for fifteen years, 3 kids and they are perfectly happy.
Life is not as black and white as MN thinks it is.

Comedycook · 07/12/2021 17:46

I know a man who had an affair...he left his wife and married the ow. They've been married for over 25 years

ILoveHuskies · 07/12/2021 17:47

[quote Gensola]@ILoveHuskies that’s really sad Sad it’s a shame they couldn’t put it behind them. My mum had an affair and left my dad but I’d never have cut her off, it would have been cutting my own nose of to spite my face. I guess it depends on how good your relationship is with the parent previously maybe.[/quote]
@Gensola I am glad you're reconciled with your Mum. I'd have been the same I think although it's hard to know unless you're in that circumstance

It is very sad. Tbh though in DBs case his son just fully believed that, by dad leaving, he had abandoned him. Which is true really isn't it. When a man leaves a relationship, and there are children from relationship , generally he leaves the house and the children stay with the mum. We don't see his son, none of the family on DBS side do. DBS ex made it clear that none of us would ever see them again as we were apparently all as bad as DB as we wouldn't disown him for his behaviour

Marineboy67 · 07/12/2021 17:49

Cheaters with cheaters is never a good recipe for a relationship I'd say. What both of you done to be together just illustrates what either of you can potentially do to each other. Certainly not a good foundation for trust.

Aria2015 · 07/12/2021 17:50

My dad had been with his wife (the women he left my mum and us kids for) for 30 years now and so I'm sure they'd consider their relationship a big success! It caused a lot of heartache for quite a few people though so I couldn't quite bring myself to congratulate them on their recent milestone wedding anniversary!

delilahbucket · 07/12/2021 17:56

I was the other woman in a fashion, although nothing physically happened while he was was with his girlfriend of 12 years (not married or engaged, no kids), it was an admittance that feelings were there and that his current relationship wasn't right for him. We got together four months after they had split. We've been together nearly 11 years and we are married. We couldn't be happier.

Nothinbut · 07/12/2021 17:58

I mean, people fall out of love and want to leave, but cheating on someone whilst you decide who you want is pretty grim. I don't think the saying how you got them is how you'll lose them is 100% accurate, but I don't see the appeal of getting with a cheat- they're just cowards who don't want to risk being alone so they start one relationship without ending the other, ew.

HeadNorth · 07/12/2021 18:00

My mum left for the other man. They stayed together, but what shitty, dysfunctional marriage, they are still together but he is in a home with alcohol related dementia. By contrast, after my mum left my dad met and married a wonderful woman and they had a lovely, supportive marriage until his untimely, sad death.

Aderyn21 · 07/12/2021 18:04

I think there are bound to be situations where the new couple are better suited and therefore happier, but I guess we also hear about the successful relationships more and not so much about the ones where the cheater promises the earth but has no intention of leaving their spouse. I think that scenario probably outnumbers the one where the new couple are happier. I reckon there's also a lot of saving face, especially if they've upset their children's lives. They've got to stick it out and make it seem 'worthwhile'.

What would worry me if I was OW, is that when a person has done something once (like cheat) it's easier to do it again. And the cheater has demonstrated that they are okay with lying and putting themselves first, above children and promises.
It's tainted from the get go.

Whingasaurus · 07/12/2021 18:05

All the 'affair' couples we know are still together 9, 15ish and over 20 years

mugoftea456 · 07/12/2021 18:07

My ex is still with his OW a few years on.

They seem very happy on social media but my kids hate going there as apparently all they do is argue and shout at each other.

ILoveHuskies · 07/12/2021 18:11

@mugoftea456

My ex is still with his OW a few years on.

They seem very happy on social media but my kids hate going there as apparently all they do is argue and shout at each other.

That must be so upsetting for the kids to witness that 😔
Starcup · 07/12/2021 18:14

**I know 5 couples that started out as affairs.

Only 2 of them are no longer together and only 1 of those was because of cheating.

It's easy to blame the 'cheater' when, sometimes, the reality is people just fall out of love; fall in love with someone else or just grow apart.

Sometimes the impetus to leave isn't there until there is another person.

We all know the too bad to stay, too good to leave scenario**

@GreyCarpet

I agree people fall out of love, that’s absolutely fair enough. No one should be forced or expected to stay in a relationship they aren’t happy in.

An ‘affair’ isn’t that though is it? An affair is brought about someone moral compass is off.

It’s the lying, cheating, sneaking around, and having zero respect for the person you’re supposed to ‘love’.

Starcup · 07/12/2021 18:14

Just end it first then there’s no issue!