When the OW gets her man

[SaintVal]

This is following on from a thread where someone is having an affair with a married man who claims his marriage is on the rocks. The majority of the replies are telling the OP to wake up/grow up and to get a grip on reality and that ultimately, he will come up with an excuse as to why he can't leave his wife etc. However, what about the OW who does eventually get her man?

My exH left me 5 years ago. Unbeknown to me, he'd been having an affair with a woman at work and he dropped the bombshell the day after Boxing Day. I didn't even see it coming! Our DS had just turned 2. Anyway, he eventually moved in with OW and they've been together ever since. I assume they're happy as he seems to be and they're planning their holidays for next year. Anyway, it made me think about other affairs and their 'success rates' for want of a better phrase!

I think if I had originally been the OW, I would forever have a nagging doubt that I may also get cast aside just as the wife before me. Anyway, not sure what point I'm trying to make other than surely not all outcomes of infidelity meet the same cliched end?

Like I said, I think it is possible to refocus and learn to let go of bitterness and resentment. I certainly wanted that karma at the beginning but I don't now. It was all those negative thoughts that kept me going. But I cannot forget that day he sat me down and told me. It felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I don't think about it everyday but it's still boxed up in the back of my brain and the fact I have to see him every week has not helped. It's hard to explain.

Not bitter or resentful.
Just incredibly stressful to watch your own children cry, fearful of speaking with their father on the phone, ask me regularly why they have to go and see him every other weekend. Not having control over other people's behaviour I can get. Its the perfunctory way society rubber stamps and approves a situation where small children, in the blink of an eye, can suddenly find themselves having to spend time whether they like it or not with an affair partner (who might be a serious relationship or might not be) and have no say in it. (literally they have no say - even if they say they do not want to go they still have to go).
Society prioritises adults rights to have multiple sexual relationships serious or not over what children want/is in the their best interests (irrespective of whether there was an affair, but when there is an affair, society happily approves children having their day to day life and their whole life path changed for the sake of the affair partner).

It really is that simple. It is not to do with bitterness or not, I genuinely do not feel bitter, in some ways I am relieved the OW is now with my ex husband, i just hate the fact that my children have to just suck up the consequences and they have no voice in it.

I think MN is very fond of declaring there is one model of affair - "the script" - and all affairs fit into that box. In my experience, reality is rarely that simple. People have affairs for different reasons and sometimes it is that they do meet someone better suited. I had a friend at school who's parents had got together as the result of an affair. The first marriage lasted five years. The affair marriage has now lasted forty five years.

I’m not entirely sure that it’s true to state that happily married people don’t cheat. I’ve read plenty of threads both here and elsewhere in which the OP has stated they’re happily married. I believe it’s possible to be happily or contentedly married and still fall into limerence with another person. You hear of the persons struggle to decide between their marriage and their lover and they often vacillate. It isn’t a fair comparison to make because it’s a choice between something ordinary and everyday and something novel and exciting.

If it were true that happily married people don’t have affairs, we wouldn’t read or hear about people being in this dilemma. I think it’s a thing that people tell themselves to comfort themselves that it wouldn’t happen to them; ‘it wouldn’t happen to me, we’re happy’; I used to think it. I used to think people who left their marriages must’ve been deeply unhappy or something in the marriage was very broken, Then it happened to me. It can happen to anyone. Anyone can find themselves on either side of it - the OW, the left behind spouse or the unfaithful. It happens because we’re human beings faced everyday with new experiences, encounters and dilemmas.

@THisbackwithavengeance - I think that is a very good observation.

@bubblesbubbles11 I was that child I know it isn’t easy, far far from it.

I dont really think there is a mantra about it being doomed. There are so many stories on here about being cheated on and being left. Sometimes it works out for some parties and others it doesn't. I think a full spectrum of experiences are shared here, it's threads like these that seek to cause division.

@scoobydoo1971, I think it depends on the personality of the person cheating but history can repeat itself. My DM was a serial cheater with my DF. Their marriage was an absolute car crash that was doomed to failure but my DM dealt with it by looking for a way out. Abandoned her children for husband number two (left for work one day and disappeared with him abroad on holiday). When that marriage started to go pear shape starting looking for exit number three. Now married to husband number three who has the honour of cheating with her on both her ex-husbands, he's one of her old affair partners.

All three children NC with her now. Cheating can be an escape route for some but it causes a lot of devastation and heartache for those left behind.

@bubblesbubbles11 yes. You are absolutely correct. It is absurd that the kids are the ones who pay the price. I hate it so much, I wish they were listened to more.

I think a relationship borne of an affair is probably pretty much like any other at face value, if those who started it love each other and are committed to making it work it probably will.
There might be other dynamics at play, though, which aren’t there in other relationships, like trust issues (you’re with a proven cheat/liar) and guilt issues (some feel terribly guilty about what they did when they see their children/ex, even if they think the split was the right thing to do) which can have a corrosive effect over time. There might possibly be jealousy issues over how much contact/ time is spent with the ex-partner if there are children involved and worrying whether they will ever return to their former relationship. Over time a lot of this probably accounts for the high failure rate of affair relationships. Plus the fact that in some cases the affair partners don’t realise how much the fantasy element (and self-reinvention on an affair bubble) drove the affair relationship and real life became literally a passion killer.
It’s tempting to think that all affair relationships will end in tears if you have been betrayed (I have) but I’m a realist and some will obviously work out. The biggest shame is that no matter how good the ongoing relationship, for me it would always be tainted by the appalling behaviour
that started it and enormous pain caused to others.

I think it's nicer and more comfortable for people to believe that it never works out for people who leave relationships to be together, but I don't think it's reality.

I do think relationships like this often have added complexities which can cause them to end sooner than they naturally would have, for instance children, exes, rejection from wider family, finances. But I don't think they are always doomed to fail just because the partners left their exes for each other. I also don't think that just because someone has cheated one someone else means they will always cheat on anyone.

I also think a lot of people forget that many long-term relationships start with one or the other partner leaving someone else, even if it's a boyfriend/girlfriend at that stage. Many marriages have come from someone meeting somebody new and finishing with their current partner.

My grandparents left their spouses to run away together when they were 46. My grandad's sons have never spoken to him again, but he has become a very much loved member of our family (made slightly smoother by my 'real' grandad's unfortunate passing when I was very young).

They have been together for almost 40 years now, and nobody could say they were anything less than made for each other.

I know nothing can make an affair 'right' but my grandad was violent towards my gran - and my mum witnessed this as a child - and my grandad's marriage was riddled with emotional abuse towards him too. This continued post-affair and is why he has never seen his sons again. She kept them from him.

So sometimes, just sometimes, marriages aren't meant to be, and you would be infinitely better with someone else!

I was the ow. He moved in with me 2 months after our affair began after admitting all to his wife.

While I am in no way condoning our behaviour, or minimising the impact of our affair on his exw and children, those early years were not particularly happy as they were full of guilt and dealing with the fallout our actions caused.

Move on 24 years and we are still together. We have had our ups and downs, as does every marriage, but these are no longer associated with our actions back then, and we love each other and are happy.

I get on with my stepchildren, and one in particular has been incredibly supportive of me.

My DH was a serial cheater prior to meeting me, but not a liar, coming clean to his partner at the time within weeks as he couldn't cope with the guilt. He has never been unfaithful to me.

What a thoughtful thread - one of the best I've read on here I think.
I've never cheated, but am pretty sure I've been cheated on by two previous partners. But I wouldn't condemn somebody as beyond the pale or awful for cheating.
There are lots of things people are supposed to do or not do in committed relationships, yet often cheating is the one that's singled out as automatically being a reason to end the relationship. I believe that most people who cheat, other than serial cheaters, do it because they're unhappy in the relationship. It's often said that infidelity is a symptom of relationship breakdown, not the primary cause. How many people cheat because they really want to get caught, want an out? I wish more people felt able to leave just because they were incompatible, without their outgoing partner through finding out about an affair. But so often people who want to split because they're unhappy are told by family / friends that they should "just work at it", "stick with it" or otherwise suck it up.

@bubblesbubbles11, interesting point you make about the children not having any choice in accepting affair partners. One of the reasons I went completely NC with my DM after her last affair and remarriage was because I decided that I didn't want to deal with another stepfather.

As children we had our noses rubbed in her many affair, her partners who would turn up at our house when my dad was at work and disappear up to her bedroom. I remember husband number three turning up too. We had no choice. and were put in the position of keeping her sordid secrets to ourselves because the consequences to us as children were dire. Her affairs were also condoned and supported by her siblings who indulged in the same behaviour. With hindsight, completely emotionally abusive.

When the last one came out I thought (light bulb moment) I don't have to put up with this anymore. I can choose not to be involved and walk away. I also didn't want my DD around it and to think it was okay or normal although my DM tried to put her spin on it.

I know of at least one couple where both parties were in other relationships when they met. They've been together for an age now and they're very much meant to be.

It does happen, sometimes.

A good friend of mine met her DH at work, she was in a LTR and he was married. He told me he held a door open for her, and it was like being struck by lightning. Still together 18 years later, and I would say they are as close to soulmates as I have ever seen. Few difficult years at the start but with patience and understanding everyone has moved on and is amicable.

My ex was a serial cheat. None of his OW worked out. He's been with his current partner years, and the only reason I think they work is that they both do it, don't admit it, and just get on with it.

Never been cheated on or left, but seen what it does to people and I genuinely hope those who leave their partners for another person lead a shit life after. There's no reason for it, leave if you aren't suited or happy or abused, but going rushing into someone else's arms is not going to end well usually, and people will resent you for it. Why bother putting yourself through that? Look at the people mentioned here who don't see their kids now. Is the sex really worth it that much to abandon your child? Well done, parents of the year. And it is abandonment, you leaving caused those feelings in the child.

It's never worth it. Hopefully most of them are miserable though.

@FreedomFaith it’s really sad to see you filled with so much hatred towards other people, wishing them ill. What gives you the right to stand in judgement over others? I assume you’re completely perfect, have never done anything wrong in your life? I think you’re just as bad as someone who cheats, so filled with hate and spite.

It's never worth it. Hopefully most of them are miserable though.

You hope all you want @freedomfaith that doesn't mean that they are miserable. Just as some people who do the "right" thing and leave as soon as they feel an attraction to someone else end up unhappy.

Happiness isn't something that you get as a reward for being nice. Life doesn't work like that.

We had no choice. and were put in the position of keeping her sordid secrets to ourselves because the consequences to us as children were dire.

That is terrible @Dacquoise. No child should ever be put in that position.

There's no reason for it, leave if you aren't suited or happy or abused, but going rushing into someone else's arms is not going to end well usually, and people will resent you for it. Why bother putting yourself through that?

Obviously it's better if people just end things when they are no longer happy, but practical reasons mean that so often it feels like they can't.

Take a look at the thread currently running on here with the woman who told her husband she's gay and now she's just totally trapped as she doesn't have the money to live separately, no local friends/relatives to stay with etc. I can see why in many cases people end up staying until something forces their hand, especially where there are kids involved. Many people mistakenly stay put because they don't want to lose time with their children, but then they end up blowing the family apart in the end anyway.

Also, tbh I'd say the majority of relationships end because one party is at least interested in someone else, even if nothing has happened. Not just long term/marriages, but the relationships we all go through as we date prior to our 'main' relationships. It's not as unusual as people think.

My best friend and her partner started as an affair. He had just had a baby and it caused a lot of pain at the time, but 25 years later, they're the happiest couple I know. All the kids they have between them are happy and doing well as adults. He was so unhappy with his wife, met my friend, and they just had to be together. No judgement from me on affairs. Some are obviously damaging, but others really can be healing.

@19Bears

My best friend and her partner started as an affair. He had just had a baby and it caused a lot of pain at the time, but 25 years later, they're the happiest couple I know. All the kids they have between them are happy and doing well as adults. He was so unhappy with his wife, met my friend, and they just had to be together. No judgement from me on affairs. Some are obviously damaging, but others really can be healing.

Some affairs are ‘Healing’ FFS?!?

Tell that to all the betrayed who struggle with PTSD, mind movies, anxiety, invasive thoughts, panic attacks, STDs etc etc

It’s a form of abuse. Whatever your ‘justification’.

Obviously it's better if people just end things when they are no longer happy, but practical reasons mean that so often it feels like they can't.

I'm sometimes not convinced it is better. I often read posts on here where the DH has said he wants a divorce and they don't seem any less pain filled or any less bitter because no one else is involved. An affair just provides an easy target for all the hurt and anger, and a specific thing to focus on.