When the OW gets her man

[SaintVal]

This is following on from a thread where someone is having an affair with a married man who claims his marriage is on the rocks. The majority of the replies are telling the OP to wake up/grow up and to get a grip on reality and that ultimately, he will come up with an excuse as to why he can't leave his wife etc. However, what about the OW who does eventually get her man?

My exH left me 5 years ago. Unbeknown to me, he'd been having an affair with a woman at work and he dropped the bombshell the day after Boxing Day. I didn't even see it coming! Our DS had just turned 2. Anyway, he eventually moved in with OW and they've been together ever since. I assume they're happy as he seems to be and they're planning their holidays for next year. Anyway, it made me think about other affairs and their 'success rates' for want of a better phrase!

I think if I had originally been the OW, I would forever have a nagging doubt that I may also get cast aside just as the wife before me. Anyway, not sure what point I'm trying to make other than surely not all outcomes of infidelity meet the same cliched end?

Not all 'affairs' are equal.

True, men try to excuse some by claiming the ex partner is crazy, manipulative or whatever. But the act of having an affair is the same however you cut it.

I would say if it's the woman who had the affair, it's more likely to last. Women have more often moved on from a bad relationship long before it's over, not saying it's right but the affair is often a catalyst for leaving.

I'm not sure I believe 'once a cheat always a cheat..', although obviously some people are serval cheats!

My exh cheated on me twice that I know about and has continued to bounce from person to person since we split.

However, my sibling left their partner for the affair partner, and still happily married 20 years and 4 kids later.

As with all things I don't think one size fits all.

@SarahDarah - not strange at all. There’s a difference between serial adulterers with fidelity issues and people trapped in the wrong relationships. I trust him completely and we’ve been together for twenty years. This is the kind of annoying Mumsnet thing I mean. The assumption that if infidelity has happened once it will invariably happen again and also the assumption that he could be having an affair and I wouldn’t know.

I know personally of several ow and om that went on to full relationships. Some lasted for years , some months, some up to 8 years. Some were on and off, some 'pick me' dramas involving others, some were toing and froing back to the original partner. I only know of two where they're still together and one is being cheated on and in the other relationship the wife who was the ow is so paranoid and insecure that the dh is practically banned from speaking to other women.
I do think that not many relationships are truly amazing enough to last for decades.
The happiest looking couples I know personally are people who have split first then found new loves later in their 40's and beyond rather than the one's that have been together 20/30+ years. Time served and children and finance holding most of them together.

I actually agree, I don’t think one size fits all. I know of a very happy couple after an affair. Been together longer than the marriage they split up… BUT

It’s disingenuous to pretend it’s all affairs, or that all affairs are ‘love stories’ or involve ‘serial cheats’, they’re not. Many of the ones that appeared to be love stories are more addiction/limerance stories that crash and burn in the cold light of day. Hence the DIRE stats around longevity of affair partners.

It’s also disingenuous to ignore the damage to the betrayed partner, PARTICULARLY when that partner was married and had invested so much into their relationship, even more so when children are involved, and mothers fathers are left being forced into custody arrangements involving their children being pulled from them.

It’s particularly galling to see children sidelined in some of these stories. The idea that children don’t suffer greatly when a family is destroyed by an affair is absolute nonsense. I struggle to understand how anyone can thief ‘happy’ overrides the needs of children in a marriage. And when an affair is at play as the main driver for a marriage breakdown do not kid yourself that the cheat or other woman are thinking if the children. They’re consumed with themselves, it’s part of the limerance, brain chemistry, pair bonding chemicals running through their veins.

Forgot to add, an ex cheated on me, the split wasn't that bad, but she hid the betrayal well. The week before I found out we were sitting in a restaurant she told me how amazing I am and we were as a couple.

Mrs. Hr cheated on her long-term boyfriend, she came up with all manner of rationale to justify. Whether she'll cheat on me remains to be seen.

Neither woman is with the person they cheated with or on.

Funny how the title is when the ow gets her man. Not when the man gets his ow. It takes two to tango.

I'm embarrassed how many affairs therr have been in my large family, on both sides. All of them except for one has stayed with their affair partner though.

I believe in the sanctity of marriage. DH knows if he has an affair we are over. I'm not giving him a second chance.

My ex cheated on me and left to marry the OW (the last in a long line as I discovered). Love story it was not, it was all rather transactional in the end. He only left because she fit the bill.. I could not bear more children and did not earn enough to provide the lifestyle he desired ( a source of huge frustration for him). She was fertile and wealthy.. While they had a child together, they live virtually separate lives by all accounts with the main focus being on planning their next holiday (they take at least 5 or 6 a year). They seem for the most part to be happy? It works for them. Her children live mostly with their Father & their child in childcare of some description all year round, our child lives with me - as they live their ''best lives''.. For my part, I hope they stay together & he treats her decently, I would feel very bad if he did the same to his current wife as he has to me - she is unaware of so much... preferred to buy into the ''she is crazy'' narrative.

Like other posters have said, its more the children who suffer. 3 children's lives rocked by their affair, none of whom have adjusted in the many years since this happened. I suspect because they are focused (consumed) by living their lives.. fulfilling what they want... My daughter was told (against my express wishes) about their affair by someone who felt she had the ''right'' to know. Unfortunately this only made her more angry with her Father, who she has at best a very poor relationship with. She interpreted his choice to have an affair and leave as leaving her and to be further evidence he cares only about what he wants for himself. She directs the same contempt on her Step Mother... its hard for children to not take such things emotionally and personally, particularly after a life of being side-lined.

That said I'm not sure you can generalize here, the stereotype doesn't necessarily bear out in reality. Maybe it comes down to the individuals? Some people have affairs and go on to be happy, they support their children through the mess & emerge at times better for it ( a miserable home isn't a good place either). If the relationship ends owing to insecurity I'm not sure that can be said to be limited to affairs.. anyone can be insecure and insecurity can prove the death knell of any relationship regardless of how it began....

Finknottlesnewt

The story you describes completely dehumanises your DH's ex wife.

Maybe she was a nightmare, or maybe both you and your DH (before he left his wife for you) were at pains to ensure you understood the "situation" in the same way. Namely that your DH's wife was a user, a gold digger, having an affair herself, blackmailing your DH.
And all the while you (and most certainly your now DH) were ignoring the possibility that your DH's ex wife went through years of challenges, maybe loneliness and stress, isolation, feeling dehumanised herself as your now DH provided financially and materially but was never there as he worked away and never addressed her emotional needs. Maybe. I dont know from what you say, but what you say does tell me you have never given any thought to your DH's ex wifes true story and that is because your relationship started by your DH cheating on his wife with you.

@bubblesbubbles11

Yes there's real pantomime villain vibes attributted to the ex wife.

Desperate housewife stuff shagging the hired help and her total desperation for just the money. The fact she had children with this man and married him meant nothing, rediculous devaluing.

I'm sure she was a right cow and then thank the Lord after 3 weeks, no less he is saved by his new partner and I'm sure the money never entered the new partners head.

Even his children have decided to live with them, maybe the wife's a basket case now having been chucked so callously. I wonder if his children are worried of being so easily forgotten to this weathy father and maybe are keeping their hand in.

His kids are wise.

But the act of having an affair is the same however you cut it.

So a woman in an abusive marriage who lets herself form an emotional connection to another man while she gathers the strength to leave is the same as a serial adulterer who presents himself a family man in public but picks up escorts on business trips who is the same as a twenty something childless man who knows he shouldn't have married his college sweetheart and feels trapped in a relationship that seemed like a good idea when be was 17 and has a once night stand the week before he leaves and he is the same as the woman with bipolar disorder who has sex with a random stranger because she believes God wants her to and she is the same as a man who is a carer for his wife who suffers from Alzheimer's and no longer recognises him and starts a new relationship for comfort because otherwise he'd be utterly emotionally alone.

All the exact same, right?

The circumstances are very different, yes, absolutely. None of these situations or people are the same, some are ‘better’ / ‘worse’, but if you are married, you made vows. Not necessarily in a religious context, but in a marriage ceremony you make promises to another person. You don’t cross your fingers behind your back and say ‘forsaking all others except when you are being a shit’. Even in those circumstances that wasn’t the relational contract yiu entered into.
You are choosing to break your vows if you cheat, even if your partner is a nightmare. Two wrongs don’t make a right, no matter how ‘understandable’ it seems. There are other choices to cheating.
The husband in the abusive marriage abusing his wife is breaking his vows in a horrible way. The wife in the same abusive marriage who ‘lets herself’ form an emotional connection outside of her marriage is not as ‘bad’ a person as the abusive partner but is also undeniably breaking her vows. Abuse is far worse than ‘forming emotional connections’ but there is no excuse for cheating. It’s still wrong, however you dress it up. End the relationship honourably then look for someone else. No, life isn’t black and white or that simple, it’s messy and complicated, but what is morally right or wrong is usually straightforward. We just have to not be that person. We all have agency in our lives and our actions. We just have to use it.

2 of my aunts/uncles have had affairs.

One aunt constantly cheated on her husband citing the reason that he worked away on oil rigs and she stayed home with 5 children. He found out and stayed with her and they seem content but I think it may just be the lifestyle they are used to.

One uncle cheated on his wife and left to be with the OW. The OW demanded he never see his DC again if he wanted to stay with her and he agreed. Hasn't seen or paid for them since the eldest was 3. He then had 2 children with OW and cheated on her throughout their marriage. OW was driven mad with suspicion and was very controlling as a result. Uncle had a horrific life and they argued constantly. He would tell us all he was waiting for the DC to turn 18 and he would leave. She then got sick and died, leaving him in a whole heap of trouble as she had demanded they lie to the DC about how sick she really was. DC now dislike him (and his overlapping new wife) and only use him for money. His new wife left him a few years ago and he seemed genuinely devestated and cleaned his act up. They're back together and happier than ever now.

@Whataday198

Affairs pass pain on. I don’t doubt that some or even many people who have affairs are in emotional pain of some sort but affairs take that pain pass it on, and often amplify it.

They don’t heal.

People are collateral damage to someone’s else’s ‘crisis ‘. That’s not acceptable however much you can arrive at examples supposed to elicit our empathy.

As on the dunes has said, we all have personal agency. We can all leave.

Sorry Wookie has said.

@Whataday198

But the act of having an affair is the same however you cut it.

So a woman in an abusive marriage who lets herself form an emotional connection to another man while she gathers the strength to leave is the same as a serial adulterer who presents himself a family man in public but picks up escorts on business trips who is the same as a twenty something childless man who knows he shouldn't have married his college sweetheart and feels trapped in a relationship that seemed like a good idea when be was 17 and has a once night stand the week before he leaves and he is the same as the woman with bipolar disorder who has sex with a random stranger because she believes God wants her to and she is the same as a man who is a carer for his wife who suffers from Alzheimer's and no longer recognises him and starts a new relationship for comfort because otherwise he'd be utterly emotionally alone.

All the exact same, right?

They're all affairs, yes.

but if you are married, you made vows. Not necessarily in a religious context, but in a marriage ceremony you make promises to another person. You don’t cross your fingers behind your back

But of that's your stance then presumably you don't believe in divorce full stop as the marriage oath is "until death us do part"?

They're all affairs, yes.

How silly to pretend it's the same though. Because it's under an umbrella word.

Someone in the TA, and someone in the SAS are both "soldiers".

And whilst I think a one night stand is cheating, it is not an affair. An affair is something ongoing with the same person.

@Whataday98 Not sure what you mean by ‘believe in’. Divorce is a different issue to infidelity. When other vows have been broken, then the marriage contract to me is also broken. ‘Til death us do part’ to me means that the marriage is in place until death unless other vows are broken.
Not everyone chooses a religious ceremony, often couple wrote their own vows. They leave out the more archaic vows with religious or ‘legal’ promises. (‘Til death is do part’ was to show all assembled that you had a responsibility towards the other party and all that legally implies re finances etc, for life) The vows I’ve heard, religious or otherwise, however, do always include something about fidelity along the lines of “I will always....” etc.
Re divorce, I think divorce is a very serious issue and should never be taken lightly, no. But then I don’t think marriage should ever be taken lightly either. Divorce is sometimes sadly obviously necessary and unavoidable and marriages have to end.
The choice of infidelity and all the pain it causes is never necessary or unavoidable, however. An honourably ended marriage is far, far better than using betrayal of another person as a crutch or band-aid to make yourself feel better. Even in the face of despicable behaviour caused by the utter brokenness of a partner, betrayal should never be the answer. As I said, infidelity is avoidable and unnecessary, divorce sometimes sadly isn’t.

@Tiredofbs123 I don't think the cause of a divorce matters to children. The cause of a divorce is nothing to do with them. In an affair the parent isn't choosing anyone over them anymore than anyone who wants a divorce. There is a huge amount amount of hurt to the spouse. It only bleeds onto the children if the adults let it.

I know a couple who started their affair in 2007. Still having their affair. Not leaving spouses as one of them is elderly and disabled. I hope they get their happy ending . They are so in love and perfect , but at the same time both feel they owe it to their elderly spouses to stay. No children involved at all.

[quote Deisogn]@Tiredofbs123 I don't think the cause of a divorce matters to children. The cause of a divorce is nothing to do with them. In an affair the parent isn't choosing anyone over them anymore than anyone who wants a divorce. There is a huge amount amount of hurt to the spouse. It only bleeds onto the children if the adults let it. [/quote]
I’m sorry but it DOES matter. A couple splitting amicably or even after ‘discussed’ and open marriage difficulties are going to be in a much better position to support the children through the change. Even if there are hurt parties.

Affairs bring sudden departures, feelings of abandonment, betrayed spouses suffering with PTSD and anxiety, cheaters self obsessed and/or addicted to the affair partner, children who have seen the strange behaviours of the cheat towards the betrayed for months, children who have intercepted messages, or know what’s happening, the list is endless, and the damage is huge.

In a non infidelity break up both parents can focus on the children, in an infidelity breakup the cheat often wants to force the new partner into the children or blend families. Is focused on keeping both parties ‘happy’, and by doing that failing miserably. Meanwhile the betrayed is struggling with their mental emotional and physical health.

It’s a selfish act that hurts children.

I will add that in my work I’ve seen this play out the same way time and time and time again. It hurts children, and to deny that is disingenuous.

Of course it can hurt children, divorce does. It's not ideal. It's down to the way the adults react and act in it. I've seen plenty of divorces with no infidelity where the father disappears of significantly disengages from his children (more rarely the mother). I've seen plenty of divorces where there was no infidelity and the mother moves in a monster of a man within months. The potential for harm to the kids is huge. I disagree that the source of the divorce is the biggest issue.

There is nothing special that separates out affairs from toxic relationships breaking down, emotional abuse etc etc. In some cases the kids are spared years and years of parents hating each other but "trying for the children". I lived through that one and to be honest when my dad left for the OW it was a relief more than anything.