So upset about what DP’s kids said about me

[WillThisUsernameDo]

I’ve been seeing DP for about 18 months now. He’s a really lovely guy, we have a great laugh. We live apart, about an hour away from each other and no plans to move in together in the next few years. He has 2 ds’s age 17 and 14, I have 2 age 9 and 5. He has his boys half the time and we’ve spent a fair amount of time together and they’re really great boys, really funny although occasionally grumpy in a typical teenage boy way. We’ve been on a couple of holidays together, not staying in the same room but same hotel and meeting up for meals then he’d do activities with his kids, I did stuff with mine and we did a few activities together if they were suitable for all of them. We’re by no means attempting to blend our families but we all get on well and, as far as I was aware, there was no resentment or anything from either kids or adults about the relationship.

Anyway, my Dsis lives in the same town as my DP. She joined a social netball team a few months ago and made good friends with a couple of the women there. After her being tagged in a few photos with them I realised that one of them was my DP’s ex wife and mother to their boys (yes, I’m a nosey cow and looked her up on SM ages ago). As soon as I realise who she is I message dsis to tell her and because I want to find out what she’s like (I know, I know). Dsis is really surprised and said that this woman hadn’t been particularly complimentary about me, apparently I’d come up in conversation about Minecraft of all things. It turns out that her boys had nicknamed me The Villager because I have a big nose and laugh like the sound a villager in Minecraft makes. Having had a good search it’s definitely not a complimentary thing and I just feel really hurt. I know they’re teenagers and I don’t expect them to be hugely respectful of me as to them I’m just their dad’s girlfriend. But I’ve bought them birthday and Christmas presents (from me, not DP), they both WhatsApp me meme’s they think I’ll like occasionally, we’ve always had a laugh and never had a cross word.

I don’t know if it’s his ex encouraging it, Dsis certainly said his ex found it funny (Dsis hasn’t mentioned who I am in relation to her yet). As far as I know dp and his ex ended pretty amicably, no cheating and they’re both now in relationships with other people. I haven’t said anything to DP about it because I just feel silly about it.

Any advice? Should I say something?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I know nothing about Minecraft but sorry they’ve said unkind things about you.

What do you think DP would say if you told him? What would you like to happen?

Sorry you’re hurting.

[Anordinarymum]

I'm sorry they said things too. I bet they will be mortified if they find out you have been told about it.
Fancy an adult finding it funny. She must be jealous and tiny minded.
Teenagers can be cruel. Mine used to call me a weirdo when I said things they did not like. It used to hurt but then it was designed to !

I think your bloke should say something to them because if they don't get told about it they will continue to be two faced and you will know they are being so every time they are nice to your face.

[Jk24]

Please don't take it personally although you're bound to. I'm very conscious of my nose and would not like this said about me. But, they are just silly teenagers and teenagers can be mean! I would mention it to dp so he can speak to the boys about making hurtful comments about people, clearly their mum isn't!

[mocktail]

They said it to their mum, possibly to sound loyal to her, and never expected it to come back to you. I'd be hurt too, but you should probably try to overlook it and move on.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

The weirdest thing is their mum, who’s not a teenager and apparently in a happy new relationship, telling an acquaintance from a hobby what her kids say about their dad’s girlfriend. Who does that?

[Coughee]

I wonder whether they feel obliged to say this stuff to their mum out of loyalty? I mean, she doesn't sound very nice or ok with her ex moving on if she is relaying this kind of stuff to other people. If that really is the worst insult they could dredge up for their mum out of misguided loyalty, I'd say they probably do like you.

[Beebababadabo]

Aw that wasn't really nice of them even though there is clearly no malice in it it's a bit mean especially for the ex wife to talk about it to her friends. (She be so embarrassed if your sister tells her who she is to you no doubt) but in all honesty I'm not sure it was a good idea your sister telling you this information as although it's not really nice it's not malicious and the boys clearly like you and get on with you. I would allow your sister to tell the ex who she is to you and enjoy hearing about her squirm. But with the boys I would just ignore it really and try not to let it ruin your nice relationship with them. Maybe if an opportunity for conversation comes up like if they make fun of someone's looks in the future you could use it as an opportunity to teach them it's really not a nice thing to do.

[Haggisfish3]

Why on earth would your sister tell you that? It’s a daft thing they probably said because their mum was fishing for info and they knew they had to say something mean. Ignore it and pretend you don’t know is my advice.

[WillThisUsernameDo]

I’m sure they’d be mortified if they knew they’d called me that, they really are decent boys. I just hate the thought of the three of them having a laugh about me. I don’t know what I want to happen, nothing really I guess. I said some horrible things when I was a teenager. On the plus side at least they haven’t been being mean about my dc’s, that I know about anyway. I’m just surprised at how much it hurts knowing that a couple of teenagers that I thought I had no real emotional investment in have managed to find the things I’m most self conscious about and make a joke out of it.

[longcoffeebreak]

How did she end up talking to your DSis about you without your DSis telling her you were her sister?

If it's any consolation I just googled the villagers and they are not that bad!!!

I also echo a previous poster that kids are more than capable of playing to the gallery and may have just been thinking that's what their mum wanted them to say/think about you...

[Changechangychange]

I’m a bit that your DSis told you! If anyone was slagging off my DBro I would never pass it on, particularly if it was about his physical appearance.

But yes, ex wife sounds like a right cow. Good to know. I suppose.

[WillThisUsernameDo]

@Haggisfish3 because I asked her. She tried to downplay it but I can read her like a book and I niggled it out of her.

[bluebell34567]

@AnneLovesGilbert

The weirdest thing is their mum, who’s not a teenager and apparently in a happy new relationship, telling an acquaintance from a hobby what her kids say about their dad’s girlfriend. Who does that?

exactly.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

Your sister is an absolute dick for telling you what she specifically said. It's at best unbelievably thoughtless and insensitive, at worst nasty and shit stirring. I can't get my head around why she told you. If she felt pushed to share she could just have said something more generic like "she said she's not necessarily your biggest fan then I changed the subject." Absolute dick for telling you.

[PlanktonsComputerWife]

The actual one who has hurt you here is your sister.

[GreenClock]

Weird that she finds it funny enough to tell a hobby acquaintance about it. It’s such a crap anecdote.

And the 17 year old should know better IMO. Childish.

I’d have a chat with your partner. I’m wondering whether the split was as amicable as he claims.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

I said really shitty stuff about my dads partner (in my case because they had an affair) as I felt it displayed my loyalty to my mum and would make her feel better. I wouldn't do it now but I was a teenager and it felt like the natural thing to do at the time. She's actually OK and we are civil and nice to each other now. I would feel terrible if she knew I had been so harsh about her but I was a teenager struggling to navigate my parents' break up so try not to beat myself up too much about it.

[spongedog]

That is very hard. I do feel how you handle this now might affect your relationship with DP's DC forever going forward. (Assuming you think of him as a long term prospect). I have a teenager and sometimes they are on a different planet despite being really nice kids.

My fear is that if you speak to DP - he will either become defensive and disbelieving or that he will go in really heavy and the DC will know where it has come from.

Are you able to play along for a while - eg play the game with them and laugh like the villager at the appropriate points. They might cotton on that they have been outed but without them being humiliated.

But I totally get why you feel hurt. My DC came back from their dad's after Mothers Day this year. My family - we dont celebrate Mothers Day but my ex does. My DC walked in and said "Mum I couldnt be bothered to get you anything". Now my ex is a dick and would have loved that so would have done nothing about it. I smiled sweetly and said whatever, but it hurt. A lot. My DC has since backtracked on their stance. We are fine but gosh when they are 30 or 40 I might remind them (occasionally).

[Billi77]

Your sister’s been a bit of dick. Teenagers are always going to have dumb nicknames for you and all adults in their lives. And they clearly really like you and you sound like a perfect not quite DSM. Just give yourself a pat on the back and if it’s bugging you come clean and talk to the boys about it. They will be mortified but it’ll end up being something you laugh about

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

Teenagers are idiots, and these ones want their DM to be happy, so they are telling her what they (rightly) think you want to hear.

She is obviously not 100% at peace with her ex loving another woman, and she has seized onto this idiotic comment to make herself feel better. You can be confident it is the worst thing they have said about you from the fact that she loves it so much and is repeating it to random strangers.

Your sister just wants to have your back, but it would have shown better judgement not to tell you in this case.

[Negligee]

@AnneLovesGilbert

The weirdest thing is their mum, who’s not a teenager and apparently in a happy new relationship, telling an acquaintance from a hobby what her kids say about their dad’s girlfriend. Who does that?

Yes, and that the OP’s sister saw fit to pass it on. Honestly, OP, try not to take it to heart — for a start, you have no idea whether the boys even said this in the first place. It’s possible the ex made it up herself, exaggerated it, or that the boys were trying to demonstrate their loyalty to her by being thoughtlessly unkind, and that it in no way reflects their feelings for you, but their confusion and unease about their parents moving on. I wouldn’t let it poison your relationship.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

What she wants to hear - not you (clearly!)

[userxx]

@PlanktonsComputerWife

The actual one who has hurt you here is your sister.

I agree. Why would she tell you this ? Bloody glad I'm an only child !

[HollowTalk]

I don't understand why your sister didn't put her in her place immediately.

[thelegohooverer]

I think the person you should be concerned about is your dsis. It was a very hurtful thing to say that to you. I can’t think of any good reason to share something like that except spite.

As for the dc, they’re just being loyal to their dm, and trying to navigate a new set of circumstances. I wouldn’t mention it to them or to your partner.

But I would tackle your mean sister.