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So upset about what DP’s kids said about me
193

WillThisUsernameDo · 05/12/2021 22:51

I’ve been seeing DP for about 18 months now. He’s a really lovely guy, we have a great laugh. We live apart, about an hour away from each other and no plans to move in together in the next few years. He has 2 ds’s age 17 and 14, I have 2 age 9 and 5. He has his boys half the time and we’ve spent a fair amount of time together and they’re really great boys, really funny although occasionally grumpy in a typical teenage boy way. We’ve been on a couple of holidays together, not staying in the same room but same hotel and meeting up for meals then he’d do activities with his kids, I did stuff with mine and we did a few activities together if they were suitable for all of them. We’re by no means attempting to blend our families but we all get on well and, as far as I was aware, there was no resentment or anything from either kids or adults about the relationship.

Anyway, my Dsis lives in the same town as my DP. She joined a social netball team a few months ago and made good friends with a couple of the women there. After her being tagged in a few photos with them I realised that one of them was my DP’s ex wife and mother to their boys (yes, I’m a nosey cow and looked her up on SM ages ago). As soon as I realise who she is I message dsis to tell her and because I want to find out what she’s like (I know, I know). Dsis is really surprised and said that this woman hadn’t been particularly complimentary about me, apparently I’d come up in conversation about Minecraft of all things. It turns out that her boys had nicknamed me The Villager because I have a big nose and laugh like the sound a villager in Minecraft makes. Having had a good search it’s definitely not a complimentary thing and I just feel really hurt. I know they’re teenagers and I don’t expect them to be hugely respectful of me as to them I’m just their dad’s girlfriend. But I’ve bought them birthday and Christmas presents (from me, not DP), they both WhatsApp me meme’s they think I’ll like occasionally, we’ve always had a laugh and never had a cross word.

I don’t know if it’s his ex encouraging it, Dsis certainly said his ex found it funny (Dsis hasn’t mentioned who I am in relation to her yet). As far as I know dp and his ex ended pretty amicably, no cheating and they’re both now in relationships with other people. I haven’t said anything to DP about it because I just feel silly about it.

Any advice? Should I say something?

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WillThisUsernameDo · 05/12/2021 23:24

My sister really isn’t mean or spiteful in the least. We have a very honest relationship and when she said that the ex wife hadn’t been particularly complimentary I wanted to know how exactly and she reluctantly told me. I have absolutely no issue with my sister whatsoever.

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Summerfun54321 · 05/12/2021 23:26

Sorry OP but the whole thing reads like playground drama. Stop snooping around looking for gossip and just keep out of it.

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AnFiadhRua · 05/12/2021 23:28

I don't think your sister is being mean. I think she's making you aware that it's not the waltons II.

These boys are hello mrs patterson to your face but then enjoy running you down to their mum. But actually, I guess that probably recalibrates some unconsicious sense of disloyalty they feel for being content and feeling at home when you're around.

Their mother ran with the story as though it were a funny one, because again it's human nature to believe that she sees her x's true colours but the next poor woman is a deluded poor sap in for a shock.

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lunar1 · 05/12/2021 23:35

What kind of digging around and encouraging has your sister been doing to lead to this conversation?

The DC have possibly said something to their mum, probably reassuring her that she is far superior.

For some reason she has chatted about it, but possibly not in a malicious way, and the woman didn't know there was a spy!

Your DSis sounds like she likes storing the pot to be honest.

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Hapoydayz · 05/12/2021 23:42

I guess the boys feel like they have to be nice and polite to your face but they don't need or want you so behind your back say these things. At least you know. But at that age they can all be ridiculous. Maybe they say similar about their parents

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WillThisUsernameDo · 06/12/2021 00:24

From what I can gather it was just a conversation about Minecraft as all of their kids are into it. Ex wife asked if anyone knew what the villagers look/ sound like as her boys have been saying that their dads girlfriend remind them of one due to her big nose and laugh sounding the same. I don’t think it was anyone digging or bringing it up out of nowhere. I wasn’t there though so don’t know for certain, of course.

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Outlyingtrout · 06/12/2021 00:33

Their mum sounds unpleasant. I can't imagine encouraging my children to speak about somebody in that way. In fact I wouldn't tolerate it. The fact that not only does she allow them to speak like that about other people but that she laughs along makes me think perhaps the kids are just saying it because they want to reassure their mum that you are not replacing her by putting you down. They obviously know she's likely to find this funny and an ego boost. If I'm right, what a shame for the kids that they feel the need to validate their mum in this way.

Sorry OP. It's not a nice thing to find out and it must sting a bit Flowers

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redtshirt50 · 06/12/2021 00:44

I wouldn’t take it personally - me and my mum used to have a joke about her ex husbands new wife, and I went along with it even though I actually really liked her to make my mum feel better.

Also ofc she would say it was her boys who said that - she’s not going to say she came up with it even if she did!

It’s a bit of a weird thing for her to bring up randomly to a group of friends so I’d guess she’s more involved with the comment than you think.

Is there any chance she knows who your dsis is? And was trying to get a reaction out of her?

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SkiingIsHeaven · 06/12/2021 00:57

I am sorry that they have upset you.

I think that next time you are with them and end up having a good laugh about something (naturally) say "goodness me, I sound like a villager." Just laugh it off.

We have nicknames for lots of people but none are meant to hurt people. It's just how we communicate. It just means that we all know who we are talking about.

Try not to take it personally.

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saraclara · 06/12/2021 01:10

Frankly, the way you were digging around for information was bound to end in tears. You were looking for stuff that would reflect badly on her, but ended up with something about yourself.

Dragging your sister into your snooping was unfair on her, as well as adding to the likelihood that all this would end badly.
You brought it on yourself. As to be honest you could have heard a lot worse.

The only thing you can do now is put it behind you. They're kids. They'll say daft things. And for goodness sake stop stalking this woman.

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Onthedunes · 06/12/2021 01:35

They are at that age op.

Probably everyone gets insults, it's how their humour goes and it also has the job of re connecting them with their mom after they've been visiting dad and yourself.

Don't worry about it too much and also stop digging, of course they have loyaties, Im sure your children would be the same.

At least he hasn't got daughters, now that would be harder.

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Geppili · 06/12/2021 01:50

Your sister is the one who hurt you here.

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LonginesPrime · 06/12/2021 02:09

Your sister sounds either horrible or stupid.

She's the only one who had all the information (you didn't know what the ExW had said, and the ExW didn't know she was talking to your sister) - your sister knew both sides and made the decision to tell you regardless.

Would you pass on those nasty comments to your sister if someone had made such horrible and personal insults about the way she looks and talks?

The ExW is a bit weird and petty, but presumably jealous of you if she's being so silly.

But no-one else is in the wrong here apart from your spiteful (or stupid) sister.

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SpidersAreShitheads · 06/12/2021 02:12

I tend to disagree with others OP, I don't this your DSis has done anything wrong. I have a very honest relationship with my siblings too, and my DM, and if I was clear that I wanted details, they'd provide them to me in a factual way.

If I've interpreted your posts correctly, your DSis didn't realise that the ex-wife was referring to you when she mentioned about the Villager/nose comments? It is strange that the ex chose to drag a woman she's never met to a bunch of casual acquaintances. She doesn't sound very nice, and I think it's useful to have warning about that. She might only be petty and a bit bitchy, but handy to be put on notice as things with your DP progress.

Re the boys, I know it's hard but I'd try not to judge them too harshly. My DM and DF split when I was 8 and I can remember my nan being really mean about my DF's girlfriend (not the affair partner). I absolutely loved his new girlfriend and felt very, very awkward. I was about 12 or 13 by this point. My DM and nan laughed about this woman and I stayed silent because I didn't want to seem disloyal. I would suspect it's something like that - also teens can be brutally honest with nicknames/observations.

How would your DP react if you raised this lightly with him? Maybe ask if you could talk to him about something that you'd rather he didn't take any further - would he respect your wishes? You wouldn't want him to go all guns blazing after his DC or his ex, but might be useful to have a calm discussion about the fact that his ex is repeating spiteful names about you to anyone who'll listen.

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SpidersAreShitheads · 06/12/2021 02:13

*think

Sigh. It's late, I have fat fingers and auto correct hates me.

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newfriend05 · 06/12/2021 02:16

I,d take no notice op , the boys were probably trying to make their mum feel better about them spending time with you .., I would love to be a fly on the wall though when your dsis lets her know your her sis 😂

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BustedCanOfBiscuits · 06/12/2021 02:25

@redtshirt50

I wouldn’t take it personally - me and my mum used to have a joke about her ex husbands new wife, and I went along with it even though I actually really liked her to make my mum feel better.

Also ofc she would say it was her boys who said that - she’s not going to say she came up with it even if she did!

It’s a bit of a weird thing for her to bring up randomly to a group of friends so I’d guess she’s more involved with the comment than you think.

Is there any chance she knows who your dsis is? And was trying to get a reaction out of her?

^thiiiiiiissssssss
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Coyoacan · 06/12/2021 02:39

They wanted to sound loyal to to their mum. I'm sure that is all. In the end, they had to really scrape the barrel to find something unpleasant to say about you.

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ImustLearn2Cook · 06/12/2021 03:00

Next time you’re together having a good laugh, suddenly stop laughing and dramatically pretend that you are mortified and say something like: “Oh no, I sound just like that villager in Minecraft when I laugh.” Then give a knowing look and a cheeky grin Grin You’ll know from their faces if they know what you’re referring too. And if they have been saying that behind your back, they’ll have know idea how you know. And if you show a sense of humour about it then that reflects well on you too.

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PurpleSapphire · 06/12/2021 03:08

Possibly just teenage banter. My dc absolutely rip it out of me all the time, and they're my own! In fact, just yesterday I was talking about cooking Christmas dinner and they told me not to threaten them.

It's our family way of showing affection, we're all as bad as each other. Dd has been known to tell friends before meeting me "if my mum throws an insult at me, she's not being nasty, it's how we roll".

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Electriq · 06/12/2021 03:14

Id have to make light of it, after all its hardly the insult of the century, my WhatsApp photo would be a villager, id walk around going 'huh' and acting like a villager in front of them 😂

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PieMistee · 06/12/2021 03:19

Obviously they have said something mean that they will be mortified to know you heard. However, I imagine they would be very upset that you have been dishonest to their mum. I think that is pretty disrespectful and as bad if not worse of some name calling. I understand why you've done it but it isn't great behaviour.

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GingerScallop · 06/12/2021 03:28

As soon as I realise who she is I message dsis to tell her and because I want to find out what she’s like

Quite a bit of clusterfuck here. You using your sus to find out what she is like - clusterfuck
(why not just let it play out and form your own opinion?)
Your sis telling you what she (may have) said - clusterfuck
Ex saying what her teens (may have) said - clusterfuck
As for the teens, I largely absolve them. They may or may not have said it, they are teens. Teens nock even their own biological parents. And if they said it, it should not have gone out. Imagine any unsavoury thing you said privately (esp as a teen) going around like this among 'adults'.

They seem to like you well enough. I would not take that personally. I would just laugh it off (but then I really don't get easily offended, especially by teens)

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CiaoEB · 06/12/2021 03:28

Try not to get upset with the teenagers. We all said stupid embarrassing things as teenagers we didn’t actually mean or even think twice about. They’d probably be mortified and upset they embarrassed you. I wouldn’t bring it up with anyone. I’d also caution against any future casual stalking, especially if it leads to trying to get other people to find out information. Tempting though it is it can only end in tears!

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PrincessNutella · 06/12/2021 03:29

Nobody is going to be a fan of one's ex's girlfriend. And teenagers generally do not find adults who are old enough to go out with their parents very attractive. Thank god for that. That's a healthy thing. Better that than if they thought you were super hot. Ewww. And if you are going to pry, your sister is going to spill. Don't ask questions to which you don't want the answer.

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