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So upset about what DP’s kids said about me
193

WillThisUsernameDo · 05/12/2021 22:51

I’ve been seeing DP for about 18 months now. He’s a really lovely guy, we have a great laugh. We live apart, about an hour away from each other and no plans to move in together in the next few years. He has 2 ds’s age 17 and 14, I have 2 age 9 and 5. He has his boys half the time and we’ve spent a fair amount of time together and they’re really great boys, really funny although occasionally grumpy in a typical teenage boy way. We’ve been on a couple of holidays together, not staying in the same room but same hotel and meeting up for meals then he’d do activities with his kids, I did stuff with mine and we did a few activities together if they were suitable for all of them. We’re by no means attempting to blend our families but we all get on well and, as far as I was aware, there was no resentment or anything from either kids or adults about the relationship.

Anyway, my Dsis lives in the same town as my DP. She joined a social netball team a few months ago and made good friends with a couple of the women there. After her being tagged in a few photos with them I realised that one of them was my DP’s ex wife and mother to their boys (yes, I’m a nosey cow and looked her up on SM ages ago). As soon as I realise who she is I message dsis to tell her and because I want to find out what she’s like (I know, I know). Dsis is really surprised and said that this woman hadn’t been particularly complimentary about me, apparently I’d come up in conversation about Minecraft of all things. It turns out that her boys had nicknamed me The Villager because I have a big nose and laugh like the sound a villager in Minecraft makes. Having had a good search it’s definitely not a complimentary thing and I just feel really hurt. I know they’re teenagers and I don’t expect them to be hugely respectful of me as to them I’m just their dad’s girlfriend. But I’ve bought them birthday and Christmas presents (from me, not DP), they both WhatsApp me meme’s they think I’ll like occasionally, we’ve always had a laugh and never had a cross word.

I don’t know if it’s his ex encouraging it, Dsis certainly said his ex found it funny (Dsis hasn’t mentioned who I am in relation to her yet). As far as I know dp and his ex ended pretty amicably, no cheating and they’re both now in relationships with other people. I haven’t said anything to DP about it because I just feel silly about it.

Any advice? Should I say something?

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luverlybubberly · 06/12/2021 10:18

@Polmuggle

OP honestly it doesn't even sound true.

14 and 17yo boys do not play minecraft. It's for younger children

My 15yo plays Minecraft with friends. They probably play it differently to 10 year olds. It's like Lego- 4 year olds might try and build the highest tower possible with Duplicate while adults/teens might go for the Technics so their models can incorporate more complex movement
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aSofaNearYou · 06/12/2021 10:21

@Snuggledupforwinter

If you've searched for exW are you sure she hasnt looked you up on the internet and knows of your relationship to your dsis and is having a sly dig at you via your sis? Teenagers/kids can be cruel with an off the cuff remark. I'd rise above and ignore it.

I think this too. It's not inconceivable but it is a bit odd of her to have said to her netball friends for no particular reason. If she is friends with your sister on facebook, and your sister is friends with you, I think it's probable that she is aware of the connection and this was a deliberate dig.
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EdgeOfTheSky · 06/12/2021 10:23

Actually, I have just looked up these villagers and their ‘has’, they are quite sweet and lovable.

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IamGusFring · 06/12/2021 10:25

@AnneLovesGilbert

The weirdest thing is their mum, who’s not a teenager and apparently in a happy new relationship, telling an acquaintance from a hobby what her kids say about their dad’s girlfriend. Who does that?

Someone who is very put out and jealous !
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GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 06/12/2021 10:29

The teenagers, are being, well teenagers. I find it more odd that the exw would say that in front of a bunch of acquaintances, unless she already knows your ds, is your ds and she wanted it to get back to you. Maybe she's jealous of the relationship you have with her dc and was being a cow.

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BlokeHereInPeace · 06/12/2021 10:29

If that's the worst thing they have said then you are doing ok.

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Porcupineintherough · 06/12/2021 10:30

Listeners at doors (which is effectively what you've done here) never here good about themselves. It would be better if you try and avoid finding about what people say behind your back in future and just deal w your relationship with his kids face to face.

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CBroads · 06/12/2021 10:33

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Your sister is an absolute dick for telling you what she specifically said. It's at best unbelievably thoughtless and insensitive, at worst nasty and shit stirring. I can't get my head around why she told you. If she felt pushed to share she could just have said something more generic like "she said she's not necessarily your biggest fan then I changed the subject." Absolute dick for telling you.

Are you for real? I think you need to get your paranoia in check mate.
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LittleMysSister · 06/12/2021 10:37

OP I understand how hurtful this would be. I would be really upset if I'd found out my DP's children had been mocking me with their mum.

That said, I do agree that they have likely said these things just to play down how much they like you to their mum.

I am surprised at people saying you shouldn't have been 'digging' etc - I think it's pretty natural to ask what your partner's ex is like if you find out someone close to you knows them! Surely we all would?

I do think your sister needs to tell the ex who she is now though. Hopefully the ex will feel embarrassed that she made those comments once she realises she made them to your sister.

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PearlclutchersInc · 06/12/2021 10:42

I think your Dsis is a bit of a cow for even repeating such a thing. Has done noone any good at all and made you feel bad.

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Zero123 · 06/12/2021 10:45

Have you thought that the ex has actually looked you up in the same way you looked her up so knows who your sister is and that's why she said it.

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godmum56 · 06/12/2021 11:02

[quote WillThisUsernameDo]@Haggisfish3 because I asked her. She tried to downplay it but I can read her like a book and I niggled it out of her.[/quote]
what led to you asking her? I mean it can't be out of the blue.

The other thing I have learned through life is don't chase info you realluy don't want to know...and if it was me i wouldn't do or say anything...teenagers have reasons for doing things (some adults do too) and some of those reasons have been listed on here. Your partner is likely to feel a mix of anger and defensiveness and may also interpret it as "snooping on his kids"

I'd also be saying to your sister that for the future you don't want to know

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ThePoisonousMushroom · 06/12/2021 11:05

@AnneLovesGilbert

The weirdest thing is their mum, who’s not a teenager and apparently in a happy new relationship, telling an acquaintance from a hobby what her kids say about their dad’s girlfriend. Who does that?

This
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ChloeCrocodile · 06/12/2021 11:14

I can see why this is hurtful, but it is also third hand information. If you go snooping to find out what people are saying behind your back it isn't at all surprising that you find out something you don't like. Everybody whinges about other people sometimes, and teenagers can be particularly harsh. Really, their mum should have pulled them both up on being mean about a person's appearance.

Tbh, both you are your sister are being very underhand here. I would seriously hope your step sons don't find out that you were trying to get info from their mum secretly. I'd go apeshit if my step mum did that, and I'm an adult. I imagine a teenager would be very angry at you for being deceitful.

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tortoiselover100 · 06/12/2021 11:28

Honestly it doesn't sound that bad. Kids bond over daft things like this. Taken out of context it does sound offensive and I personally wouldn't like it. I'd probably play them at their own game, play mine craft with them, point out the villager, say 'I think I resemble them, what do you think?'. They might fall about laughing and then you can find some creatures they resemble. Make it fun.

Really they could be saying so much worse than this. Boys bond with daft things like this.

But YANBU - I would feel a bit hurt too.

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Yankey812 · 06/12/2021 11:38

However much you try they will prob always resent you as being a new person and upsetting the dynamic also it is best to be slightly off with them and not try too hard as they will just resent you even more. The other woman is prob just jealous and insecure that you will try and replace her.

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TellerTuesday · 06/12/2021 12:14

Sorry I'm confused, did the ExW tell your sister knowing she was your sister or before she knew the connection?

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CaptSkippy · 06/12/2021 12:28

@AnneLovesGilbert

The weirdest thing is their mum, who’s not a teenager and apparently in a happy new relationship, telling an acquaintance from a hobby what her kids say about their dad’s girlfriend. Who does that?

I agree, that is setting a bad example for their kids.
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5128gap · 06/12/2021 12:28

Are you sure his ex doesn't know who your sister is? This sounds like a huge coincidence that she would just happen to repeat this. She may have looked you up just like you did her.

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Nowomenaroundeh · 06/12/2021 12:30

That is awful OP and really really unfortunate that you heard it back.

I would be hurt too. My teenage SC slagged off my family's appearance in great detail. It was appalling. Then when I had chemo I was completely bald and gained four stone, I caught one of them filming me.

They're teens. Horrible. It's them and not you.

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myothercarisaskoda · 06/12/2021 13:35

Your sister is a bitch.

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unname · 06/12/2021 14:20

@lisaandalan

They are teenagers and their mother is rude by not telling them to have more respect for people who are good to them. Take no notice and get on with your relationship. X

How do we know she didn't do exactly that?
Unless OP has people spying on them in other places, too?
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Itsalmostanaccessory · 06/12/2021 14:51

Well his ex sounds lovely, doesnt she?

My kids are 8 and 10. Their dad had a gf for a while and my oldest said something not so nice about her. My reply was, "hey, nothing ungenerous. We dont speak about people like that. You're being nasty just to be nasty and I wont have that here."

It's one thing to talk about them badly if it's about something they have actually done to you. It is quite another to talk about them badly just to laugh at them and if my kids behave in such an ungenerous way then they get pulled up. But his ex just laughed along with them. Maybe she doesnt feel she can parent the 17 year old or something but she doesnt have the same excuse for the youngest.

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unname · 06/12/2021 16:16

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Well his ex sounds lovely, doesnt she?

My kids are 8 and 10. Their dad had a gf for a while and my oldest said something not so nice about her. My reply was, "hey, nothing ungenerous. We dont speak about people like that. You're being nasty just to be nasty and I wont have that here."

It's one thing to talk about them badly if it's about something they have actually done to you. It is quite another to talk about them badly just to laugh at them and if my kids behave in such an ungenerous way then they get pulled up. But his ex just laughed along with them. Maybe she doesnt feel she can parent the 17 year old or something but she doesnt have the same excuse for the youngest.

How do you know what she said to her children in the moment?
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unname · 06/12/2021 16:17

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

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