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So upset about what DP’s kids said about me
193

WillThisUsernameDo · 05/12/2021 22:51

I’ve been seeing DP for about 18 months now. He’s a really lovely guy, we have a great laugh. We live apart, about an hour away from each other and no plans to move in together in the next few years. He has 2 ds’s age 17 and 14, I have 2 age 9 and 5. He has his boys half the time and we’ve spent a fair amount of time together and they’re really great boys, really funny although occasionally grumpy in a typical teenage boy way. We’ve been on a couple of holidays together, not staying in the same room but same hotel and meeting up for meals then he’d do activities with his kids, I did stuff with mine and we did a few activities together if they were suitable for all of them. We’re by no means attempting to blend our families but we all get on well and, as far as I was aware, there was no resentment or anything from either kids or adults about the relationship.

Anyway, my Dsis lives in the same town as my DP. She joined a social netball team a few months ago and made good friends with a couple of the women there. After her being tagged in a few photos with them I realised that one of them was my DP’s ex wife and mother to their boys (yes, I’m a nosey cow and looked her up on SM ages ago). As soon as I realise who she is I message dsis to tell her and because I want to find out what she’s like (I know, I know). Dsis is really surprised and said that this woman hadn’t been particularly complimentary about me, apparently I’d come up in conversation about Minecraft of all things. It turns out that her boys had nicknamed me The Villager because I have a big nose and laugh like the sound a villager in Minecraft makes. Having had a good search it’s definitely not a complimentary thing and I just feel really hurt. I know they’re teenagers and I don’t expect them to be hugely respectful of me as to them I’m just their dad’s girlfriend. But I’ve bought them birthday and Christmas presents (from me, not DP), they both WhatsApp me meme’s they think I’ll like occasionally, we’ve always had a laugh and never had a cross word.

I don’t know if it’s his ex encouraging it, Dsis certainly said his ex found it funny (Dsis hasn’t mentioned who I am in relation to her yet). As far as I know dp and his ex ended pretty amicably, no cheating and they’re both now in relationships with other people. I haven’t said anything to DP about it because I just feel silly about it.

Any advice? Should I say something?

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FabriqueBelgique · 06/12/2021 07:52

@AnFiadhRua

I don't think your sister is being mean. I think she's making you aware that it's not the waltons II.

These boys are hello mrs patterson to your face but then enjoy running you down to their mum. But actually, I guess that probably recalibrates some unconsicious sense of disloyalty they feel for being content and feeling at home when you're around.

Their mother ran with the story as though it were a funny one, because again it's human nature to believe that she sees her x's true colours but the next poor woman is a deluded poor sap in for a shock.

Very well put!
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ImustLearn2Cook · 06/12/2021 07:59

@WillThisUsernameDo I just re read a previous thread by you: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4407532-I-can-t-get-over-this-comment

Are you simply insecure because of your own issues or are there issues with your relationship that are making you feel insecure.

It is important to have self worth and to feel valued by the people in your life. Only you will know what is making you feel insecure.

I hope you work it out Flowers

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LonginesPrime · 06/12/2021 08:12

There is a video on you tube ‘one hour of villager sounds’ that has over 3 million views. So It might not be as bad a insult as you think

The other way to interpret this is that these 3 million views were made by the same small handful of toddlers and other parents therefore have it worse than you, OP.

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YourenutsmiLord · 06/12/2021 08:17

Someone said that the Ex knows who your sister is - I would say this seems very likely - it's such a childish thing to talk about - someone saying someone has a big nose (or is like someone with a big nose) - I think the Ex has one over you in this scenario and deliberately planted the story as she knows she is your sister.

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gannett · 06/12/2021 08:17

@Happy1982ish

FGS

Your DP, the father of these boys said

* Then he tells me that he basically thought I was a dog and only saw me again because he hadn’t had a shag in ages and thought there might be a chance with me.*

Last week

Op - leave the relationship

I remember that thread. It turned out he didn't say that, or anything close to it. IIRC he admitted he hadn't felt a physical spark on their first date, which the OP blew up into those awful words because of her own insecurities.

Those insecurities are also pretty evident here. Not a nice nickname and not a nice thing to hear. But they're teenagers navigating their parents' breakup and conflicted loyalties, and you've heard this third-hand. And moreoever from your update it doesn't even sound like either your sister or the ex are stirring the pot. It's just something you have to let roll off your back, rather than turn into A Thing.

(I will say that while teenagers and mean looks-based nicknames go hand in hand, their mother should have absolutely nipped it in the bud and told them not to do it, rather than repeating it to other adults!)

Like a few PP I'd be tempted to have a bit of fun at their expense, make a few comments about villagers in front of them and see how they react. Not in a "I'm catching you out" game-playing way, but a sort of wink-wink, I know what you said but I can take it, kind of way.

Let this be water off a duck's back. Not just because it's the right thing to do here but because it'll be better for you in the future not to be sent spiralling every time your insecurities are triggered, intentionally or not.
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ravenmum · 06/12/2021 08:37

I had a funny-looking nose until a few years ago, when I had a rhinoplasty to correct a breathing issue. I found that growing up with strangers on the street telling me I was ugly left me very sensitive to this type of comment. This might even have been a throw-away comment by the boys - their mum asking what you look like and them answering "Um ... tall, blonde, big nose. A bit like that character from my game". This image you bring up of "the three of them having a laugh about me" sounds pretty unlikely even if they really were so lacking in entertainment that they spent more than a few seconds on the topic. Much more likely to be the mum grasping onto the one single negative-sounding thing they have said so you can fit into the storyline of "my ex thought he could do better but hasn't". If your nose is the only thing that fits that narrative, you're doing a great job.

Don't let your sensitivity about your looks draw you down the path to paranoia. I know it's all too easy to imagine them all ganging up on you for a laugh, if that is what you have actually experienced when growing up. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree and that's not the issue for you. But if that is what's going on then perhaps that's what you need to address: your feelings about your looks.

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Jasmine11 · 06/12/2021 08:39

@AnneLovesGilbert

The weirdest thing is their mum, who’s not a teenager and apparently in a happy new relationship, telling an acquaintance from a hobby what her kids say about their dad’s girlfriend. Who does that?

I don't think it's that weird, if the sister was getting to know the woman and they were talking about their family situations and exes, it would be a mildly amusing anecdote to relay to her new friend (not knowing her relationship to the OP). It's not as if the woman spent a significant amount of time talking about the OP.
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RubyKitty · 06/12/2021 08:43

They are teenage boys who probably think it’s hilarious. They may have done it when you first got with your dp and not last week! I would also think of the chain if you say something to your dp, who in turn will speak to the boys, who will then tell their mum, who will then maybe confront your sister maybe causing her issues in her hobby. I would just brush it off and forget about it

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Strictlyfanoftenyears · 06/12/2021 08:45

Come on OP your sister didnt have to tell you something so mean. Would you have told her if it was the other way round? (knowing how it would upset her?)

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AnFiadhRua · 06/12/2021 08:45

I'll admit that when my x got a new girlfriend, I did feel a bit, ah bless, she thinks she's met some great dad with a job and a house and a car.......... ah. And I kind of rolled my eyes at the journey of discovery she had ahead of her. She seemed nicer than him, she seem like me at the start. Trying hard. Doing the emotional labour for everybody else.

And I guess I judgded her for being a doormat and I did say things to my friends

The children came back and imitated her rebecca rabbit accent. But they may have been putting on that rebecca rabbit accent for comedic effect to make me laugh, because we'd been apart for a week and i'd missed them. I did laugh. They liked making me laugh.

None of that was anything to do with her.

She did dump him in the end. I'm happy for her. She'll be rolling her eyes at the next woman who thinks she's met a great man with a job and a house and a car.

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AnFiadhRua · 06/12/2021 08:50

I agree with @Jasmine11 I think it's human nature to ask too. People asked me ''has he met somebody new?''. People often asked me that actually!

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Polmuggle · 06/12/2021 08:55

OP honestly it doesn't even sound true.

14 and 17yo boys do not play minecraft. It's for younger children

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HalfWomanHalfMincePie · 06/12/2021 08:55

Teenagers ARE idiots - even the most decent ones. They say things because they are funny but not necessarily because they are true or as a reflection of how they really feel about someone.

I'd be tempted to face into this one (if you can) and gently rib them about the nickname they've given you. I love the idea of deliberately dropping the work 'villager' into conversations Grin

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aSofaNearYou · 06/12/2021 09:06

@Polmuggle

OP honestly it doesn't even sound true.

14 and 17yo boys do not play minecraft. It's for younger children

Lots of adults play Minecraft so this really isn't the case.
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Tal45 · 06/12/2021 09:25

It wouldn't surprise me if this was a nasty ex making up a story. If she really wanted to know what a villager looked like she'd google it not ask a group of women at a netball match which just happened to include your sister. The question doesn't even make sense - is she expecting the women to describe in detail what a villager looks like? If she already knows they have a big nose and laugh a certain way what more information is she looking for??

If somehow it is true then it was probably just a throw away thoughtless comment by the boys which she has picked up on to make herself feel better by putting the new GF down. She sounds like a nasty bit of work whatever way you look at it and not worth giving any head space too. You're the much better person because you wouldn't be so nasty and childish.

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itlod · 06/12/2021 09:36

@mocktail

They said it to their mum, possibly to sound loyal to her, and never expected it to come back to you. I'd be hurt too, but you should probably try to overlook it and move on.

This is exactly what i was about to say.

My DD can say some quite nasty things about her SM, thinking she's being funny rather than nasty. However, I think she says them to me, expecting me to think she's being loyal to me etc. I always pull her up on it and say it's not nice and that I want her to get on well with her SM.

However, what's bizarre about the situation is that their mum felt this was worth repeating to a group of people that (as far as she's aware) don't even know you. How does that even come up in convo?? She's obviously enjoying it which makes me wonder if she's instigating or encouraging it
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user736728819 · 06/12/2021 09:39

Well at least now you have to buy two less Christmas presents this year (kidding or am I)

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thisplaceisweird · 06/12/2021 09:41

@PlanktonsComputerWife

The actual one who has hurt you here is your sister.

Agree. She didn't need to tell you, the only outcome is your feelings being hurt.

You don't need to confront the boys or say anything, teenagers can be mean and love to poke fun, it sounds pretty low level so honestly I'd just leave it. Why do you care if they think you have a big nose?
There's a lot of emotions at play, loyalty to their mum like others have said, possibly resentment of you and their dad... who knows. I would try and look past it and carry on being a loving figure in their life.
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ErrmWTAF · 06/12/2021 09:48

My boy played Minecraft a couple of years back. Villagers generally aren't bad/evil, etc. At worst they can be considered a bit useless, or cannon fodder. But they mainly are there to trade with the player. My boy actually felt rather a protective fondness for his villagers.

If you want to freak out your DSSs, do this: fold your arms, preferably putting your hands up the opposite sleeve. Then walk around saying nothing verbal, just various intonations of "hawwwwww" in a descending note.

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DancyNancy · 06/12/2021 09:48

Look up the Villager and dress and act like it next time! Have a laugh with it. I've no clue what The Villager is by the way

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SexyNeckbeard · 06/12/2021 09:53

Well this is a lesson not to go digging for gossip then isn't it

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Snuggledupforwinter · 06/12/2021 10:06

If you've searched for exW are you sure she hasnt looked you up on the internet and knows of your relationship to your dsis and is having a sly dig at you via your sis? Teenagers/kids can be cruel with an off the cuff remark. I'd rise above and ignore it.

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frozendaisy · 06/12/2021 10:10

Sounds like IRL you have a respectful, healthy relationship.

This information bis coming via an ex, it's bound to be exaggerated for effect, as in the replacement not as better as me ego boost.

Teenagers are mean things to their mates as well.

Brush it off have a cosy Christmas.

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EdgeOfTheSky · 06/12/2021 10:13

Go by their behaviour towards you when they are with you.

It was probably a one off, teen boys are just as likely to make comments they find funny about those they love most as those they despise. Boys laugh at each other and themselves. Is their observation a little bit true? You will feel better if you can laugh at yourself.

Plus they know instinctively to be a bit rude about Dad’s DP as a way of letting their Mum know she will never be replaced.

Also stop all this snooping. If I was your DP I would be cross that you didn’t straight away say ‘OMG, my sister is in a team with your ex’, and your DSis’s new friend may we’ll be pretty fed up that your DSis has known but not said.

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luverlybubberly · 06/12/2021 10:13

I have teens who play Minecraft. Being nicknamed the Villager might not be about the looks despite what the ex said. (She might have jumped to the wrong conclusion rather than the boys saying that is why you are called that)

The Villagers are there for trading. By any chance are you always asking them if they want food or drinks? Are you passively busy and tidying etc while they are playing MC? My teens have a teasing sort of the relationship with me so personally I wouldn't be bothered by being called that.

Personally I think that you got what you deserved by snooping like this- curiosity killed the cat and all that. Your sister should not have told you and you should block the ex on SM and learn not to ask.

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