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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH using cam girls

308 replies

Teaaddict39 · 03/12/2021 15:54

I was recently using my DH's tablet to do some online shopping and I stumbled across an open tab which seemed to imply my DH had paid for a "private show" on a well known cam site.

I asked him about it and he got all embarrassed before finally admitting that he's done this a few times. I know DH enjoys porn and this doesn't bother me, however, I was shocked to find out he'd been paying cam girls, it just felt like a line had been crossed.

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries. He assured me that he loves me and this is all just a fantasy and I do believe him. I'm just not sure that I am okay with it. He's told me he's stopped and won't do it again and I'm trying to put this to the back of my mind.

I want to get over this, but I am struggling to work my feelings out

Am I overreacting? Do most men do this? Or am I right to feel a bit put out? Any perspective would be gratefully appreciated. Xx

OP posts:

mug2018 · 03/12/2021 19:41

I'm not sure it matters what other men do or what other relationship agree to / tolerate, it's more about your own relationship & what you both accept as boundaries.

I'd take the positive view that at least he confessed & was honest about what he had been doing. It's up to you both to discuss your boundaries & what you agree to be acceptable.

Original poster

Teaaddict39 · 04/12/2021 00:45

Thank you for the reply. I need to really try and work out what my boundaries are. I go from feeling betrayed and hurt to questioning whether it's really a big deal and if I am the one making this an issue. I just feel a bit confused xx

OP posts:

HairyFanjoBanjo · 04/12/2021 07:42

You should probably ask for this to be moved to Relationships.

MNHQ

JoMumsnet · 04/12/2021 09:04

We're moving this thread to our Relationships topic for the OP.

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2021 09:05

@mug2018

I'm not sure it matters what other men do or what other relationship agree to / tolerate, it's more about your own relationship & what you both accept as boundaries. I'd take the positive view that at least he confessed & was honest about what he had been doing. It's up to you both to discuss your boundaries & what you agree to be acceptable.

He was 'honest' because he got found out.

inmyslippers · 04/12/2021 09:08

We're all entitled to our own boundaries. I'd just be worried he'd get better at hiding it

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2021 09:08

@Teaaddict39

For me, we'd be done.

It's not 'just' porn (have an issue with that anyway) but it's one step away from live in my view.

I think it's exploitative, I think it's sleazy. Was it family money he used? Can't have been cheap.

I don't know any men who do this - obviously they wouldn't brag about it, but knowing their wives I can't imagine it

And 'open and honest' when you've been caught, isn't.

AllyBama · 04/12/2021 09:56

Yeah a line has definitely been crossed here and it feels like he’s trying to minimise it. He’s basically paid a sex worker. It’s a big jump from just downloading garden variety free porn isn’t it. Well, it would be for me anyway.

And he’s only come clean because he’s been caught. Big question is, can you get the trust back? That’s what it all boils down to.

Alphavilla · 04/12/2021 09:58

He is engaging 1-1 with other women for his sexual gratification behind your back. That's cheating in my book. I could not accept that in a relationship.

Mischance · 04/12/2021 10:02

I would not accept this. I am anti-porn anyway because of ethical issues, but this, even for someone not of that view, is really crossing a line.

What incentive does he have to develop and improve your mutual sex life if he is getting his oats in such a detached and abnormal way? This is a man for whom intimacy and loving relationships are being undermined. How much easier it is to get off on a nameless woman than to actually engage in a real relationship.

I would be out the door.

Polkadotties · 04/12/2021 10:04

I wouldn’t accept this. Have no issues with watching porn as long as it doesn’t impact a relationship/sex life etc but paying for it crosses a line

Redland12 · 04/12/2021 10:05

Totally agree with Alphavilla. Definitely would not accept it.

DismantledKing · 04/12/2021 10:06

It’s cheating IMO

Alphavilla · 04/12/2021 10:08

How about you Facetime Dave from accounts, get naked and enjoy a mutual wank and see if your DH has no objection? 🤔

Allsortsofroses · 04/12/2021 10:10

@DismantledKing

It’s cheating IMO

This.

Purchasing a particular person's photos, let alone cam sex is crossing the line.

And as an aside to the infidelity; what an absolute waste of family money we there are literally millions of images and videos available free.

Why not use those ... because he wanted it to be personal, interactive, one on one, live etc. That's what makes ot cheating ik my book.

Allsortsofroses · 04/12/2021 10:12

@Alphavilla

How about you Facetime Dave from accounts, get naked and enjoy a mutual wank and see if your DH has no objection? 🤔

Oh he'll say that's not a sex worker/randkm/person you dint know in real life etc.

But I bet my bottom dollar thsf men who.do this, eouldbt for one second be ok with their wife doing the qmequivalegr with, say a male escort/model who offered "private" pics for sale, or much more significantly interactive live video sex/masturbation.

Allsortsofroses · 04/12/2021 10:15

*doing the equivalent

Gargellen · 04/12/2021 10:18

Open and honest would be him telling you before you found out. What he has done is confess.

I would try and find out the full extent of the reality of it before I made any further decisions. I would want to know if he has gone beyond this for example.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/12/2021 10:21

I’d be absolutely raging and wouldn’t be able to forgive this. It’s cheating. Ask him how he would feel if you were watching blokes on cams?!

Shoxfordian · 04/12/2021 10:24

I would consider it cheating as well

Buildingthefuture · 04/12/2021 11:31

I wouldn’t consider it cheating…..I would however consider it sad, grim & sleazy?? Would I leave him over it? It would depend on how everything else in the relationship was and whether I actually believed he would stop doing it AND his ability to understand how HE would feel if I was doing it.

Original poster

Teaaddict39 · 04/12/2021 11:47

Thank you all for your replies. You're right, I do think he has crossed a line and I guess I am even more shocked as we have a good sex life and havent had any issues in that area.

I will speak to him later on about how I'm feeling. I am now worried this is just the tip of the iceburg and he's admitted to the least severe part of this to get me off his back ☹

I was firstly hoping we could work through this but I am not so certain anymore. Up until a few days ago I thought I had a happy marriage. I'm now so angry xx

OP posts:

Campfirewood · 04/12/2021 11:53

I'm sorry Op. What a shock, as you say it's a happy marriage.

On cam girls, I ask myself, how would I feel if my DH met a woman in a nightclub, and he went back to hers and watched her masturbate? Whilst this woman did as my husband asked... I wouldn't be happy!

For some reason it feels as women we have been conditioned to think anything online is ok, but it's not, well not for me.

Bellafrenum · 04/12/2021 11:56

No, most men don't do this. It isn't normal or OK to pay women for sexual favours.

Colourmeclear · 04/12/2021 11:59

I think it would make me very seriously consider things. Me and my fiancee have already spoken about what we see as acceptable in our relationship in this respect. We both consider it to be a step too far.

I would give it some time a few months to see if the intensity of your emotions lessens and you feel it's something you can forgive. It will need to be in a space of open communication with him and how it's made you feel with a real sense that he is understanding.

Apart from the cams, is there anything else that makes you suspect his hiding something?

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