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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Left out at work

206 replies

jingleballs22 · 01/12/2021 05:47

Hi I'm going to get straight to the point with this as I am in work so don't have time to write everything down .

Last year my married boss had feelings for me . Would message all the time , buy me gifts and was open about his feelings . Him and his wife don't get on at all . I know this as I have heard the way she speaks to him and he is a lovely man .

I developed feelings for him so we stopped working together because obviously it's wrong and there's was a lot of guilt there .

Last Christmas his wife messaged my partner and said we have been having an affair for years . We have not . We haven't done anything apart from discuss our feelings and then left it there .

His wife wanted me sacked and told me I had to leave but I wouldn't because I have done nothing wrong .

She's basically made my working life hell . I am not allowed to contact my boss for anything or go to our office . This has been for a whole year . Not allowed on work gatherings either

One of the women who work with us messaged me saying about our Xmas party this year which I was excited about going to because o have not seen anyone as not allowed .

I then text my boss mother who said I am not allowed to attend the Xmas party . Have I got any right to be sad about this or do you think this is what I deserve ?

OP posts:
KittenCatcher · 03/12/2021 11:26

But you can see your friends but not at the firms xmas party. If you have no feelings for him then you wouldnt care if you turned up, what would they do, physically throw you out in front of everyone? You would take them to the cleaners with a tribunal if you didnt care about him
You can report the thread yourself.

Elbie79 · 03/12/2021 12:17

I think all you PP are being foul to the OP. You may think you have cause to disbelieve her (on balance I disagree), but there is no excuse for such unpleasant bullying of her. It's pretty shameful. If you don't like her or her decisions or think she's spinning a yarn, well you've had your vitriolic say - move on.

OP I'm sorry you've had a difficult time of it. Time to find support offline. As some have said, CAB or ACAS are good places to start. An employment solicitor can help too, but think carefully who you go to. Your employer is such an established firm there will be a lot of professional connections you'll want to avoid.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/12/2021 12:31

@Elbie79

Plenty of us have offered the same advice re ACAS etc and been either been ignored or had suggestions dismissed as OP doesn't want to cause her boss and his wife to break up, but she can't explain why she is valuing loyalty to employers who are bullying her and trying to force her to leave.

It doesn't make sense logically and OP does seem willing or able to explain her reasoning, so people have gotten frustrated.

TheRigatonini · 03/12/2021 12:38

We haven't done anything apart from discuss our feelings and then left it there

So what did that involve??

jingleballs22 · 03/12/2021 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
jingleballs22 · 03/12/2021 12:44

@TheRigatonini

We haven't done anything apart from discuss our feelings and then left it there

So what did that involve??

I have to tell you I have had feelings for you for years and I feel so guilty . How can I love my wife but love you too . Me , I had a feeling and I feel the same too but nothing can happen .
OP posts:
TheRigatonini · 03/12/2021 12:45

Jeez I bet your unemployed middle aged women who either have been cheated on are don't get looked at twice

You sound like a really unpleasant person.

Original poster
jingleballs22 · 03/12/2021 12:47

@Elbie79

I think all you PP are being foul to the OP. You may think you have cause to disbelieve her (on balance I disagree), but there is no excuse for such unpleasant bullying of her. It's pretty shameful. If you don't like her or her decisions or think she's spinning a yarn, well you've had your vitriolic say - move on.

OP I'm sorry you've had a difficult time of it. Time to find support offline. As some have said, CAB or ACAS are good places to start. An employment solicitor can help too, but think carefully who you go to. Your employer is such an established firm there will be a lot of professional connections you'll want to avoid.

That you so much . I am not that sad and actually have a good social life to be hiding in the work toilets making up fake threads and wasting my time on here . Especially with a good 20 percent of people on here just being bitches . Problem with things like this . Just like Facebook . Everyone slags everyone off and make out like they shit good and everything is perfect when in reality it's all fake ! No one had it all together
OP posts:
TheRigatonini · 03/12/2021 12:47

Not to mention misogynistic.

Original poster
jingleballs22 · 03/12/2021 12:47

@TheRigatonini

Jeez I bet your unemployed middle aged women who either have been cheated on are don't get looked at twice

You sound like a really unpleasant person.

I am
OP posts:
Original poster
jingleballs22 · 03/12/2021 12:48

@TheRigatonini

Not to mention misogynistic.
I had to search what that word meant . Wow thanks ! Not been called that before
OP posts:
jingleballs22 · 03/12/2021 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

TheRigatonini · 03/12/2021 12:55

I have not read the full thread, just asked a question based on the details in the post and saw your recent messages OP. So I have no idea how the thread had gone and what has made you so defensive (and I know that people on these threads can sometimes be goady and pile on).

But choosing this is as an attempt at an insult:

Jeez I bet your unemployed middle aged women who either have been cheated on are don't get looked at twice

Demonstrates (internalised) misogyny pure and simple. Anyway, best of luck to you.

Juniper68 · 03/12/2021 13:05

jingleballs22 I hope you're ok. I bet you had to check you hadn't posted in AIBU?

I think you're being very honest. Try and ignore those attacking you. I really don't know what people get from this?

I hope you find a solution. Maybe do think of a fresh start in the new year?

dustandfluf · 03/12/2021 13:12

I find it very worrying that someone working for a law firm, in any capacity, doesn't know what the word misogynistic means.

Kennykenkencat · 03/12/2021 13:12

Onthedunes
You were an employee, not a junior, not young and not coerced into this relationship with the boss, your choice

I doubt very much he would have booked a holiday away with you if there had been no flirting or reponse from you

I have been witness to a guy proposing to a woman who was working behind the bar who apart from taking his drinks orders and passing the time of day had never had a conversation with this guy apart from “how was your day” and “that’ll be £2.75 please”

A friends Dh announced one day that he was leaving her to go and live with his new gf.
Except “gf” didn’t know she was his gf. They worked in the same office and it had come up in conversation that she lived close to friend and her Dh but that was as far as any connection went.
He hadn’t seen a ring on her finger and knew so little about her that when he went round to her house with his suitcases he got a shock when her bf answered the door.
He went straight back to friend who put it down to a mid life crisis.

why are you so happy to argue but so reluctant to leave a job where you're clearly not wanted/needed/respected if @Bluntness100 is wrong

Answered earlier in the thread. OPs Dh won’t let her.

I would jingleballs22 see a good solicitor that deals in employment disputes and constructive dismissal

Look at you home insurance as a lot of times there is a family legal cover thrown in and you might be able to do it through your insurance company/policy

I would also state the exact reason to your friends that you are not going to the staff Christmas party

I would shine a light on the complete fuckery that this situation is.

Why should you keep their dirty little secret that this guy is a complete creep and his wife is doing everything she can to punish anyone he takes a liking to instead of placing the blame closer to home.

If she is that paranoid that she has to keep you and anyone else (I doubt this is the first time this sort of thing has happened) away from her Dh to prop up her sham of a marriage. You have to think what a sad and disturbed person this is.

I would be taking them to court. Unfortunately family firms are the worse as they think that employment rights are for other people and don’t apply to them.

I wouldn’t bother thinking you are going to be hurting them or that this persons marriage might not survive.
If anything I think you could be doing them a favour as neither sounds like they are happy with each other

Kennykenkencat · 03/12/2021 13:18

I would do my research on any solicitor you choose. Make sure they didn’t go to the same university or frequent the same golf club or know any members of the family socially.

I would also read the riot act to your Dh. There is laid back and then there is putting someone they profess to love in a horrible stressful position.

CompetitiveMumming · 03/12/2021 13:28

One thing about all this, OP, is the way you write. What's your role at the solicitors'?

girlmom21 · 03/12/2021 13:35

@Kennykenkencat her partner doesn't get to choose. Her partner also thinks this was a one way crush.

Original poster
jingleballs22 · 03/12/2021 13:38

@Juniper68

jingleballs22 I hope you're ok. I bet you had to check you hadn't posted in AIBU?

I think you're being very honest. Try and ignore those attacking you. I really don't know what people get from this?

I hope you find a solution. Maybe do think of a fresh start in the new year?

Thankyou so much for your kind reply I really appreciate it . I have name changed for this post but I notice that the ones who are trying to bully people are the ones that do it often .
OP posts:
Original poster
jingleballs22 · 03/12/2021 13:41

[quote girlmom21]@Kennykenkencat her partner doesn't get to choose. Her partner also thinks this was a one way crush. [/quote]
For god sake how many times do I have to repeat my self ! When this happened it was one way do I was not lying to him !!!! It was months after and us spending a lot of time together that I thought I had feelings for him and the subject at home was and never has been brought up since so I am not lying to him . If he asked I would tell him . But I chose not to just randomly come out with it because what's the point in hurting him ?

OP posts:
Original poster
jingleballs22 · 03/12/2021 13:41

@Kennykenkencat

Onthedunes You were an employee, not a junior, not young and not coerced into this relationship with the boss, your choice

I doubt very much he would have booked a holiday away with you if there had been no flirting or reponse from you

I have been witness to a guy proposing to a woman who was working behind the bar who apart from taking his drinks orders and passing the time of day had never had a conversation with this guy apart from “how was your day” and “that’ll be £2.75 please”

A friends Dh announced one day that he was leaving her to go and live with his new gf.
Except “gf” didn’t know she was his gf. They worked in the same office and it had come up in conversation that she lived close to friend and her Dh but that was as far as any connection went.
He hadn’t seen a ring on her finger and knew so little about her that when he went round to her house with his suitcases he got a shock when her bf answered the door.
He went straight back to friend who put it down to a mid life crisis.

why are you so happy to argue but so reluctant to leave a job where you're clearly not wanted/needed/respected if @Bluntness100 is wrong

Answered earlier in the thread. OPs Dh won’t let her.

I would jingleballs22 see a good solicitor that deals in employment disputes and constructive dismissal

Look at you home insurance as a lot of times there is a family legal cover thrown in and you might be able to do it through your insurance company/policy

I would also state the exact reason to your friends that you are not going to the staff Christmas party

I would shine a light on the complete fuckery that this situation is.

Why should you keep their dirty little secret that this guy is a complete creep and his wife is doing everything she can to punish anyone he takes a liking to instead of placing the blame closer to home.

If she is that paranoid that she has to keep you and anyone else (I doubt this is the first time this sort of thing has happened) away from her Dh to prop up her sham of a marriage. You have to think what a sad and disturbed person this is.

I would be taking them to court. Unfortunately family firms are the worse as they think that employment rights are for other people and don’t apply to them.

I wouldn’t bother thinking you are going to be hurting them or that this persons marriage might not survive.
If anything I think you could be doing them a favour as neither sounds like they are happy with each other

Thankyou so much for your kind and understanding reply . I will get back to you on this when I leave for home
OP posts:
Original poster
jingleballs22 · 03/12/2021 13:42

@dustandfluf

I find it very worrying that someone working for a law firm, in any capacity, doesn't know what the word misogynistic means.
I was taking the piss
OP posts:
Original poster
jingleballs22 · 03/12/2021 13:44

@CompetitiveMumming

One thing about all this, OP, is the way you write. What's your role at the solicitors'?
Immigration. I write on a computer . I havnt done this much texting on a phone in my life
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/12/2021 13:46

Op what is it you want from this thread?

You’re not taking any action against your employers, you’ve been sidelined in an office twenty miles away, they’d prefer you to leave, you’re not invited to the Xmas party or even allowed in the main office, you dislike the managing partners wife, you think he’s in love with you and you could have him any time, you admit you fancied him and told him you’d feelings for him before they binned you off, you lied to your partner, and feel it’s ok as he’d not leave you anyway, you feel you’re being noble as the only reason that this man is still with his wife is because you are permitting it as he’s so in love with you he’d leave his marriage for you immediately.

Sure you can feel sad you’re not invited to the party and about your complete exclusion.

What more do you want?