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Original poster

Left out at work

206 replies

jingleballs22 · 01/12/2021 05:47

Hi I'm going to get straight to the point with this as I am in work so don't have time to write everything down .

Last year my married boss had feelings for me . Would message all the time , buy me gifts and was open about his feelings . Him and his wife don't get on at all . I know this as I have heard the way she speaks to him and he is a lovely man .

I developed feelings for him so we stopped working together because obviously it's wrong and there's was a lot of guilt there .

Last Christmas his wife messaged my partner and said we have been having an affair for years . We have not . We haven't done anything apart from discuss our feelings and then left it there .

His wife wanted me sacked and told me I had to leave but I wouldn't because I have done nothing wrong .

She's basically made my working life hell . I am not allowed to contact my boss for anything or go to our office . This has been for a whole year . Not allowed on work gatherings either

One of the women who work with us messaged me saying about our Xmas party this year which I was excited about going to because o have not seen anyone as not allowed .

I then text my boss mother who said I am not allowed to attend the Xmas party . Have I got any right to be sad about this or do you think this is what I deserve ?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/12/2021 15:03

@jingleballs22

Thankyou so much for replying. Yes he does own the company. His wife has also took me off all work social media so Iv got no contact with work at all
You clearly do habe contact with work, you’re in a regional branch and will have a supervisor there. Why do you keep calling him your boss? He is clearly not your direct manager.
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/12/2021 15:22

You really need to write this all down factual, chronologically and list the evidence you have and then get impartial legal advice. (ie, not a local solicitor who is a friend of him and his wife and ask them upfrnt if they have a connection with them).
Your DH is no help saying it "Was all in your head" does he do that about everything? You sound like you are relatively young or have been conditioned by family/DH to be compliant and not assertive enough.
You need to look at this situation with wide awake eyes and stop trying to be nice and people pleasing.
Your boss bombarded you with messages and you said you felt things would be awkward if you didn't respond ... He then booked a weekend away with one days notice which you told him to cancel... that is sexual harassment.

They are now freezing you out at work and have offered you a months pay to leave. (that is the same as sacking you without saying the words) - constructive dismissal.

Your situation is unsustainable. It is a matter of time before you are pushed into leaving and solving all their problems, but this is your life, not theirs and finding another job will be hard. What about references?

Reason for not taking legal action whilst you are being frozen out of your job? It will not be your fault if your boss splits up from his wife. It will be his.

Why did he tell her if there was no affair? Sounds like he put all the blame on you. Was he trying to provoke her into leaving him? What is the age difference? He must be at least 45 or upwards.

So either you take legal advice which you sound very reluctant to do (why when your future is at stake) or look for another job (taking the one month offered to you - is that all your contract allows. What does your contract say about redundancy?

One way or another you will have to leave because they are making it impossible for you to stay so you have effectively lost your job because of him.
Ask yourself why are you not prepared to endanger the marriage of your employer who has treated you very inappropriately at best and is now punishing you for not having an affair with him. The mess he's already made of his life is his own doing... don't let him wreck yours too. You owe him nothing.

Monalotmoore · 01/12/2021 16:22

@Bluntness100

Did you really not sleep with him? Very weird for him to just book a weekend away without discussion.

How old are you op and how old is he?

Nice bit of covert victim blaming there wink.
Bluntness100 · 01/12/2021 16:53

Victim blaming! She told the guy she’s feelings for him. That’s not a victim in my book.

Gazelda · 01/12/2021 17:04

Do you want to keep working for the company?

If you do, then I think you need to confide in your line manager who must be wondering what on earth js going on (assuming there is a management line between you and owner).

If you want to leave, then do so. Your career choices are not your DP's business.

Do you have any employee support scheme you could talk with confidentially?

In any event, I think you need to stop being so passive. You're being bullied out of your job and that's wrong, regardless of the motivation.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/12/2021 17:27

Leaving people out is pretty much the definition of bullying. Especially when its formal work organised things like official Christmas parties. They are crazy to put this in writing. Negotiate a settlement and leave.

Also from the little that you've said, your partner sounds like the wrong one for you - he dismisses you being harassed by your boss as being all in your head, you got your head turned by someone else while you were with him, and he is 'making' you stay somewhere where you're being treated incredibly badly just so they don't 'win' if you leave...none of this sounds healthy

Mudbomb · 01/12/2021 17:28

At that time he knew it was all one sided but I havnt told him I also had feelings for him . He wouldn't of left me but what's the point in hurting him if I wasn't going to act on them?

Then what was the point in discussing your feelings with your boss if you weren't going to act on them?

KittenCatcher · 01/12/2021 17:41

Do you want to continue working there, does this man know his wife qnd family have banned you from the office and any social ecents. He sounds a complete idiot. Can you go out and enjoy an evening with the women you get on with, work dont need to know. How can they block you if you still work for the company. They are bullying and intimidating you, the wife should not have yours or your partners phone numbers and do not text his mother, how long have you worked for this bunch of idiots.

Original poster
jingleballs22 · 01/12/2021 18:48

@Bluntness100

Did you really not sleep with him? Very weird for him to just book a weekend away without discussion.

How old are you op and how old is he?

100 percent . No kissing , no touching , nothing . That's why I'm assuming he thought booking the weekend away would end in
OP posts:
Monalotmoore · 01/12/2021 19:06

@Bluntness100

Victim blaming! She told the guy she’s feelings for him. That’s not a victim in my book.
Oh in that case then she must have asked for it, right?
Strangevipers · 01/12/2021 19:14

At that time he knew it was all one sided but I havnt told him I also had feelings for him . He wouldn't of left me but what's the point in hurting him if I wasn't going to act on them?

You are deceiving your husband and besmirching him

I'd make my own skin crawl lying that it was all one sided and still working there. Perhaps if you didn't work there any more and there was no contact then possibly not worth saying anything

OP you've lost any sympathy

Cut your loses and move on for your husbands pride

DartmoorChef · 01/12/2021 19:16

Why on earth are you allowing all these people to run your life???

It must be miserable working for the company under these conditions which aren't going to change. Find another job and start afresh. Be more assertive and in control. If a future manager flirts you shut it down immediately.

I'm also curious about why your partner insists you stay working at this company. He shouldn't control you either.

You sound quite young and inexperienced and also very passive. Make a fresh start all round.

girlmom21 · 01/12/2021 19:44

Your poor partner is encouraging you to stay because he thinks you're being bullied by the wife of a creep who fancied you. He doesn't know you had feelings for the man too.

Poor bloke deserves the truth.

Is that the real reason you don't want to take them to court? In case he finds out?

GrumpyTerrier · 01/12/2021 20:30

Well---- three choices.

  1. you can do something about it and challenge them about their treatment
  1. stay and put up with their treatment
  1. Leave

It seems complicated but those are your choices. Which makes you feel the most relief/satisfaction?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/12/2021 21:06

@percythewitch

Only reason why I don't is because I don't want to hurt them

But they are fine with hurting you.
Why is it OK for them?

Goodness me, stuff that for a game of soldiers!
lisaandalan · 01/12/2021 22:58

Don't worry about hurting them take them to court, he's not the nice man you seem to think he is, nice men don't tell women they have feelings for them unless they're single or separated and if they are silly enough to do this nice men don't let the woman who did nothing wrong take all the flack for it and be treated like an outcast. X

lisaandalan · 01/12/2021 23:03

Tell everyone what happened and let them all see them for what they are, about your not allowed to tell anyone because they don't want anyone to know what scum bags they are, also he might have done it before and if you tell other people they will tell you the truth what happened with other women.
Trying to blame you its his fault not yours.

Newestname002 · 02/12/2021 02:33

@jingleballs22

I have all the text messages from his family messaging me saying I got a month before I have to hand my notice in

OP where do you have these, and other messages from your boss, stored? If on the company's equipment/system I suggest you email them to your own personal email address (maybe as well as have printed copies) in case your employers remove your access to their systems.

Give yourself some options- particularly if they are trying to push you out and, yes, you do need to be a bit more assertive in this situation. Also I'm assuming you don't belong to a Union? Do please google ACAS and see if they can help you - at the very least try and negotiate a financial leaving package. 🌹

Original poster
jingleballs22 · 02/12/2021 05:48

@girlmom21

Your poor partner is encouraging you to stay because he thinks you're being bullied by the wife of a creep who fancied you. He doesn't know you had feelings for the man too.

Poor bloke deserves the truth.

Is that the real reason you don't want to take them to court? In case he finds out?

No that's not the case at all about him finding out . All I said was I have started to feel the same but I said I think it's because we are both not happy in our relationships. At that time . And also we spent every day together for a year . Also we did actually get on so well . On my side nothing would of come of it and I don't think having feelings for someone else can be helped either . I could of broke up their marriage but I'm not that person . I have been through the exact thing with me ex and it was awful . I used to tell him to leave it there but he would contantly turn up to where I was working and also make sure we were working on the same things . A man who worked with us a few years back said that everyone can tell the boss likes me and I didn't believe it . When I did that's when I stopped working with him and was also going to a different office to work because it made me feel akward
OP posts:
Original poster
jingleballs22 · 02/12/2021 05:50

[quote Newestname002]@jingleballs22

I have all the text messages from his family messaging me saying I got a month before I have to hand my notice in

OP where do you have these, and other messages from your boss, stored? If on the company's equipment/system I suggest you email them to your own personal email address (maybe as well as have printed copies) in case your employers remove your access to their systems.

Give yourself some options- particularly if they are trying to push you out and, yes, you do need to be a bit more assertive in this situation. Also I'm assuming you don't belong to a Union? Do please google ACAS and see if they can help you - at the very least try and negotiate a financial leaving package. 🌹[/quote]
Hi they are on my phone . I took photos of everything . Also the emails his wife was sending my partner are still on his phone . The only reason she accused us of having an affair is because I emailed him to say Thankyou for a Christmas gift , but that one gift was for all the company . So wasn't unexpected.

OP posts:
Juniper68 · 02/12/2021 05:59

You need to see a lawyer about this. Put the Christmas party to one side and focus on the bullying.

Why can't you suggest a meet up for coffee/drinks/meal with the women you like? Office parties are usually pretty dire anyway.

Original poster
jingleballs22 · 02/12/2021 06:54

@Juniper68

You need to see a lawyer about this. Put the Christmas party to one side and focus on the bullying.

Why can't you suggest a meet up for coffee/drinks/meal with the women you like? Office parties are usually pretty dire anyway.

Morning , I have been asked but I know she will ask me what's happened and I know I will end up telling her .
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/12/2021 07:51

He's the owner of the company but you're at a different branch now so have a line manager there. Why can't you speak to them about the hostile work environment / being treated differently?

You need to call ACAS and ask for advice. This is ridiculous and you're being incredibly passive when your income is now compromised as they clearly want you to leave. So you need to either find another job and quit or get a legal representative and pursue a constructive dismissal case. Or both.

Doing nothing isn't an option here, as you can't continue working in this environment and maintain decent mental health.

So why wouldn't you be able to speak with your line manager in your branch?

Incywinceyspider · 02/12/2021 08:51

You can't stay there OP. It will affect your mental health. Whatever happened in the past, they need to treat you like any other employee.

What is happening to you and I think if you were to leave you'd have a claim for constructive dismissal. Speak to a solicitor and I doubt it will actually end up in court. They will pay up to avoid airing their dirty washing in public. They'll be able to negotiate a decent package for you. Do you have any legal expense cover on your home insurance?

They don't have a leg to stand on from a legal point of view. What's more, they'll know that. Ethics don't come into it.

layladomino · 02/12/2021 08:59

They can't tell you who you can and cannot tell. It is up to you who you confide in. There's nothing they can do if you tell people.

You can arrange to meet your work friends, and socialise with them, as often as you want. And you can tell them what happened. As it is, they probably think you're really anti-social or not keen on them. You shouldn't have to lose friends because of this situation.

I would look for another job. Keep all the messages from them. Tell your friends what happened, and maintain those friendships if you want to. And consider going for a constructive dismissal claim.

Whatever happened, however upset his wife may be (and she should be taking it out on her husband, not you), you are still protected by the same emplyment rights, and they are currently bullying, leaving you out, not allowing you to fully engage at work, affecting your friendships....

Aside from all that, your references to your relationship at home don't sound too healthy. You partner doesn't get to tell you whether or not you can leave your job. You are equals. You don't answer to him.