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Original poster

DH has arranged to spend Christmas with his parents….on his own

277 replies

Jisforjuggling · 30/11/2021 04:51

This might just be the end of us.
The ILs live in a different country and don’t speak English. We stayed with them just before the first lockdown and he has managed to visit twice since (albeit once was for a funeral). We are booked to visit in feb half term. DH wanted to go for NY. I can’t. It’s a day travelling each way to get there and back and I have work commitments that just make it not worth while. I said he could take DC for the last week of the holidays. This would be the first time has has taken the children on his own and he knew I was apprehensive. I don’t trust his manipulative overbearing mother. This was huge for me. DH presents me with the flights he is proposing to take. He has turned this into an 11 day trip which also involves cancelling 2 long-standing holiday plans. I said no. I agreed to 6 days, 7 at a push. He says I’m being unfair and preventing him from seeing his parents. He sent me a text last night saying he has booked to go on his own for a week over Christmas. In 11 years we have never spent Christmas with his family….in his words ‘they don’t really celebrate Christmas’. It’s never even been discussed as an option. I’m considering telling him if he goes through with this we are finished. (Yes, iceberg and tip are valid comments).

OP posts:
Whataday21 · 30/11/2021 05:12

What a bizarre thing for him to do! How old are the dc? This signals all kinds of problems, it's not normal behaviour.

MimiDaisy11 · 30/11/2021 05:15

You don’t think he plans to stay there? It just seems odd the way he’s behaving.

Original poster
Jisforjuggling · 30/11/2021 05:17

@Whataday21. DC are 10 and 8. He sees this as punishing me for ‘not letting’ him take the DC. I see it as a)manchild behaviour b)punishing his own children. Nevermind that in the current state of the pandemic even trying to travel seems bonkers.

OP posts:
Egghead68 · 30/11/2021 05:18

It seems that there is a back story and that your marriage may be in serious trouble anyhow.

Original poster
Jisforjuggling · 30/11/2021 05:18

@MimiDaisy11. No. He doesn’t like his home country and has always said he never wants to go back. He isn’t qualified to work there for starters.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jisforjuggling · 30/11/2021 05:21

@Egghead68. Yes. It has been difficult marriage, but for the main part we muddle along and mostly I’m content with life….and I thought he was too. I thought we were in a pretty good place atm.

OP posts:
PineappleVision · 30/11/2021 05:23

What’s the rest of the iceberg made up of?

Original poster
Jisforjuggling · 30/11/2021 05:33

@PineappleVision…..I’m not going to go into huge details. There is no DV, no EA no coercive control. IMHO DH was (and still is) emotionally abused by his parents. He really struggled with parenting in the younger years (no role models on which to base his parenting and an absolute refusal to engage with any help), but has grown into the role as the kids have got older (helped by a ‘get some help or I’m out of here’ ultimatum 5 years ago, which really did help).Lots of impulsive behaviour (a bit like this episode), total inability to set his own feelings aside for the sake of the children. Has a very full on job, as do I. Resents that I work.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 30/11/2021 05:36

He sent me a text last night saying he has booked to go on his own for a week over Christmas.

Just to clarify - does this mean for Christmas itself (Christmas Day) or over the Christmas period?

Original poster
Jisforjuggling · 30/11/2021 05:40

@EarringsandLipstick 23-29.

OP posts:
PineappleVision · 30/11/2021 05:41

As an ultimatum worked previously it could work again. As long as you are certain you are willing to go through with a split if he goes. He sounds like very hard work.

Frenchfancy · 30/11/2021 05:46

Yanbu. If he choses to leave his family alone over Christmas, especially given the ages of your DC, then it's very clear where his priorities lay.

Original poster
Jisforjuggling · 30/11/2021 05:51

@PineappleVision it might, but I don’t want my marriage to survive on ultimatums. If he wants to spend Christmas with his parents he needs to know that that sends a very clear msg to DC and myself about where we sit in the pecking order. I’m not playing second fiddle to his mother. He’s been very clear since we met that he never wanted to go back to his home country to live but has thrown the ‘it’s alright for you living close to your family’ line at me numerous times over the past few days. We could live anywhere in the world but for a long list of reasons it wouldn’t be his home country.

OP posts:
thesunwillout · 30/11/2021 05:54

To just book those dates on his own without discussing or telling you is childish and selfish.

The kids are young.

That would probably be the last straw for me in your circumstances.

Will you really even miss him tho?

What sort of relationship do the kids have with him?

Can you switch it up and see loved ones at Christmas? Start making new traditions.

Then seriously think about you and him long term.

Original poster
Jisforjuggling · 30/11/2021 05:59

@thesunwillout I would miss him. He can be a very kind and generous person. We have fun.
The kids love him, but we parent very differently.

OP posts:
Clymene · 30/11/2021 06:03

Well that's a pretty big fuck you

Antsgomarching · 30/11/2021 06:04

Even if people don’t like their families they feel a loyalty to them. It may just be that seeing you being closer to your family has led to resentment on his part about not being as close to his especially if they are getting older. Could it be he’s trying to recreate a closer relationship to them and feels that you are somehow a block to it or that your happier family are being rubbed in his face.

He might be having some complicated feelings about his family which are still unresolved.

Having said that he’s being really really immature about this. Sounds like it won’t be much fun and then he can blame you for it not being fun instead of the fact that his parents (sound) like they aren’t very nice.

I found it hard to accept that I just come from pretty unpleasant people. Felt better when I did but it took a long time.

Newnameneededxx · 30/11/2021 06:07

Are you sure he’s not booked to take the dc too? Be very careful he hasn’t and hide their passports just in case...

GoodnightGrandma · 30/11/2021 06:11

I would be absolutely hiding the kids passports. Do they have dual nationality ?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 30/11/2021 06:12

well he can unbook the tickets, change the dates,
why texts?
have you not seen each other?

Original poster
Jisforjuggling · 30/11/2021 06:15

@Antsgomarching your post is largely spot on except I don’t think he resents my family. His concept of family is way off centre.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 30/11/2021 06:17

So is he not going to be here with his children on Christmas Day ?

Rissole · 30/11/2021 06:23

I think I would hide the kids passports and see if he goes. If he does, divorce him on his return, seeing this as the final straw.

Soontobe60 · 30/11/2021 06:25

Are his parents elderly? I think if I hadn’t seen my parents in a long time and wanted to take my children to visit them then Christmas seems like and ideal time.
They’re his parents, and his children’s grandparents, of course he wants to get them together over Christmas - that’s what lots of families do! But you don’t want to spend your holidays doing that - fair enough, that’s your choice. Now you’re saying he’s wrong for feeling that way, and you should come first, but sometimes feelings don’t work that way. My DH and I didn’t spend Christmas with my MIL in 2019, and she died in January 2020. He’s never got over the guilt he feels for not having her over on Christmas Day - and he saw her every week.

You’re suggesting you may well break up your marriage over this. So your children become victims of this, meaning that every Christmas from now on they’ll only spend with one of their parents. Doesn’t sound great, does it?

You both need to sit down together and let each other speak - be totally honest with each other. Why does he want to go so much, why do you not want to go so much. What’s the best compromise. Ultimatums never really end satisfactorily as everyone loses out.

LittleoldTERFy · 30/11/2021 06:25

OP, he sounds like my ex, similar situation with family and man child behaviour and also generous and fun at times.

For me, I knew there was issues but didn't realise how much he had disengaged. I was incredibly busy with work, dealing with the house and kids - he by compassion had a very easy ride.

There were a few instances where he completely demonstrated that he didn't give a shit about me and it dawned on me that we were actually in a worser position than I originally thought. That realisation was hard because in my view he had a charmed life. We split up now and he actually spends a lot of time with his family, which he never did previously and he turning in to his dad. So in one aspect I am glad we split because his dad isn't a very nice person.

If I was you I would see this as a red flag in the state of your relationship.

He knows you dont want him to go. I would absolutely hide the kids passports ( just in case) but I would lay this on his feet, if he wants to go he goes. No ultimatums, if he wants to take your relationship in this direction - that's on him not you. But it would be the absolute death knoll for me if he choose to take him self away from his children over xmas.

He doesn't want to spend xmas with you. You need to look at this with fresh eyes.