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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has arranged to spend Christmas with his parents….on his own

277 replies

Jisforjuggling · 30/11/2021 04:51

This might just be the end of us.
The ILs live in a different country and don’t speak English. We stayed with them just before the first lockdown and he has managed to visit twice since (albeit once was for a funeral). We are booked to visit in feb half term. DH wanted to go for NY. I can’t. It’s a day travelling each way to get there and back and I have work commitments that just make it not worth while. I said he could take DC for the last week of the holidays. This would be the first time has has taken the children on his own and he knew I was apprehensive. I don’t trust his manipulative overbearing mother. This was huge for me. DH presents me with the flights he is proposing to take. He has turned this into an 11 day trip which also involves cancelling 2 long-standing holiday plans. I said no. I agreed to 6 days, 7 at a push. He says I’m being unfair and preventing him from seeing his parents. He sent me a text last night saying he has booked to go on his own for a week over Christmas. In 11 years we have never spent Christmas with his family….in his words ‘they don’t really celebrate Christmas’. It’s never even been discussed as an option. I’m considering telling him if he goes through with this we are finished. (Yes, iceberg and tip are valid comments).

OP posts:
Trixiefirecracker · 30/11/2021 07:30

I think I’d be upset he didn’t want to spend Xmas with us but do understand he wants to see his parents. Sounds like they are getting older and being away from them ( a long way) can make you worry more about them. Agree, it’s a shitty way to go about it but maybe he felt stuck between a rock and a hard place?

FortunesFave · 30/11/2021 07:31

Don't say a word about it. Let him go and busy about preparing for your own lovely, quiet Christmas at home. Make sure he sees your prep for all the things you and your children will do together.

He'll regret his choice.

FortunesFave · 30/11/2021 07:31

@pinkgin85

Why didn't you want him to go for 11 days? How many miles away do they live? My parents and family live 3000 miles away from me so anything less than a 2 week trip wouldn't make sense.
They had a holiday booked which 11 days will mess with.
Igneo · 30/11/2021 07:34

It seems like you have a dynamic where the 2 of you struggle to negotiate a compromise, and he has a tendency to make a unilateral, impulsive, and detrimental decision. Is that fair?

When you gave him an ultimatum last, what was the help he sought? If it was effective can you do it again?
Have you tried couples counselling?

pinkgin85 · 30/11/2021 07:36

I've read the OP again and I think OP said they had 2 holiday plans over the holiday period, not trips? Which isn't ideal if they have to be cancelled but if she said to him he can go for the last week then an extra few days isn't so bad if his family live so far away?

LovingLifesHurdles · 30/11/2021 07:37

Personally I don't think it's about being away at Christmas. It's about his motives for doing so (did he want to spend one more Christmas with parents, or did he want to piss OP off) and it's about how he did it which was awful.

I agree with other posters to ignore it for now and plan lots of things for you and kids. But in the long run I would consider whether you want to be in a marriage with this person given their behaviour and lack of consideration for his kids. It sounds like he has form for this kind of behaviour and if you stay you can expect it to repeat again.

Personally the deal breaker for me would be that he was willing to make this decision without discussing it. A marriage is supposed to be a team that works together. Compromise is expected but should be made willingly, not just because one person can't be relied on to cooperate.

Budapestdreams · 30/11/2021 07:37

You described his mother as manipulative and overbearing.
It sounds like he is doing as he's told and will always do what she wants.

He does also sound quite immature and impulsive. You are right, his toxic childhood is still affecting him quite badly.

pinkgin85 · 30/11/2021 07:40

I'm just thinking about it from someone in his shoes as my own family do live extremely far away. My DH has never stopped me from travelling to them, with DC. Once I went for a few months before DC started school. I can't speak on the rest of your relationship issues OP but on this point I feel a bit sorry for him, that he's not able to see his family as freely as he should be.

rwalker · 30/11/2021 07:42

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend christmas with his family seen as you have never done it in 11 years.
So unless he dances to your tune he's wrong .

Wildrobin · 30/11/2021 07:45

I feel sorry he can’t see his parents for the longer time he wants to when has barely seen them- whatever their relationship. He is with you and your DC all year and even if they don’t celebrate Christmas much, for some careers it’s an easier time to get time off as a lot of people away.
For those who say leave him, no wonder there is such high divorce - dh and I have been married nearly 20 years and always try and think of each other yet now and again like here one of us has to compromise if one of us feels strongly so the other tries to support that. Surely the two plans you had made can be rearranged?

You can take my thoughts with a pinch of salt OP as know the situation better than I do but I think there’s a lot to be said for supporting him here when parents aren’t around for ever and his are far away so he won’t see them again soon easily

RedHot22 · 30/11/2021 07:47

OP says they don’t really celebrate Christmas, that sounds ominous to me.
Like they do, but not in a big way.

Ultimately OP, by knowingly marrying someone from another country who’s parents don’t speak English and are overbearing and manipulative.
This is kinda what you signed up for.

ClaudiaJ1 · 30/11/2021 07:49

’m considering telling him if he goes through with this we are finished.

OP, I think you truly need to do just that. You need to tell him. That way he can make a choice and have time to cancel and get a refund if able to. Sometimes ultimatums need to be made, and it's clear this is one of these times. Please do this and the sooner you tell him, the better for the cancellation refund (if he does choose that).

girlmom21 · 30/11/2021 07:53

@rwalker

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend christmas with his family seen as you have never done it in 11 years. So unless he dances to your tune he's wrong .
If that's the case he should've booked for the whole family and told OP he and the kids were going and she could go or not go.
RedHot22 · 30/11/2021 07:53

I completely disagree with ultimatums!
That, in itself, is controlling and manipulative.

Talk to him calmly, say that you’re really sad he’s not going to be around over Christmas but if that what he wants to do, then so be it.
Hopefully, you can come to an agreement.

ClaudiaJ1 · 30/11/2021 07:54

@rwalker

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend christmas with his family seen as you have never done it in 11 years. So unless he dances to your tune he's wrong .
@rwalker Don't put this on the OP. She said they've offered to spend Christmas with his parents numerous times, his parents are the ones who have declined.
Starlightstarbright1 · 30/11/2021 07:56

It sounds like he tries to manipulate you a lot....

The refusing to come in holiday then when you don't fall in line follows you.

It sounds bloody gard work.

Notonthestairs · 30/11/2021 07:57

His parents don't really celebrate Christmas!
And they've been invited before and never wanted to come!

Margot has given excellent advice.

But I'd be very disappointed in someone who chose not to spend Christmas Day with his kids.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 30/11/2021 07:58

@Soontobe60

Are his parents elderly? I think if I hadn’t seen my parents in a long time and wanted to take my children to visit them then Christmas seems like and ideal time. They’re his parents, and his children’s grandparents, of course he wants to get them together over Christmas - that’s what lots of families do! But you don’t want to spend your holidays doing that - fair enough, that’s your choice. Now you’re saying he’s wrong for feeling that way, and you should come first, but sometimes feelings don’t work that way. My DH and I didn’t spend Christmas with my MIL in 2019, and she died in January 2020. He’s never got over the guilt he feels for not having her over on Christmas Day - and he saw her every week.

You’re suggesting you may well break up your marriage over this. So your children become victims of this, meaning that every Christmas from now on they’ll only spend with one of their parents. Doesn’t sound great, does it?

You both need to sit down together and let each other speak - be totally honest with each other. Why does he want to go so much, why do you not want to go so much. What’s the best compromise. Ultimatums never really end satisfactorily as everyone loses out.

This is good advice, though I suspect it will be drowned out by a chorus of ‘LTBs’.

What he has done is clearly unreasonable, but so is your expectation that you are the ultimate arbiter on when his kids are allowed to see his parents. Your OP is all about what you had decided. An 11 day trip - I.e. one week plus weekends- doesn’t sound excessive, given that you have to travel abroad, and the kids haven’t been for 2 years. Both of you have BU.

Madmog · 30/11/2021 08:00

As mentioned further up thread, I'd be very aware of any potential signs that he could take the children without consulting you, first would be cost of flight (ie it really is for one) and that no other flight charges are on credit cards. Also, I'd be tempted to hide their passports. At this moment it appears you're not his first priority, so I'd be looking after myself.

I know it's going to be easier said than done, but start making plans for yourself with others, invite a friend (possibly with DH) and DC around for tea/drinks, book Xmas things for three and made plans for days out. If he changes his mind, be adamant you're sticking to those plans.

Dozer · 30/11/2021 08:02

It doesn’t sound like you’re ‘muddling through’ it sounds like there are some big problems in your marriage, and with his behaviour, and you’ve chosen to ‘stick it out’. Would reflect on whether the benefits still outweigh the costs.

Refusing to come on a planned family trip, but turning up a day or so later, as you say he’s done in the past, is bad for the DC, upsetting and unsettling.

They are also likely to feel shit about their dad choosing to go away to his parents for Xmas, alone. Especially if there is accompanying tension between you over it.

Resenting you for doing paid work sounds bad too.

Aderyn21 · 30/11/2021 08:03

There's no point in spending Christmas with people who don't celebrate Christmas! He's done this to get at the OP and at the expense of his children- that's a dick move.
And of course the OP is not unreasonable in not wanting her kids away for 11 days over the Christmas holidays or in not wanting to cancel existing plans because her h has had a childish strop!

People who choose to live in different countries to where they grew up obviously can't see their own families whenever they would like - that's a natural consequence of moving abroad. It sounds like he visits regularly - the OP isn't obstructing his visits, she just wants to be considered and have her life taken into account too.
He sounds like a total child!

sunnyandshare · 30/11/2021 08:05

Honestly OP I'd happily wave him off, have a great time with the dc at your planned activities and make sure to post it on social media where he can see it. Threatening divorce over him wanting to see his parents comes across as very controlling and manipulating.

Fuuuuuckit · 30/11/2021 08:05

Fuck that shit. His parents don't even celebrate Christmas, he could go anytime to see them, not for 'one last christmas' bullshit.

Instead he's CHOOSING to visit his parents at possibly the most special 'family' time of the year, and leave his wife and dc at home.

Call his bluff op.

Powertoyou · 30/11/2021 08:06

You and the children have a great Christmas. Carry on as normal. Let your husband spend time with his aged parents. He might be able to travel anyway.

Enough4me · 30/11/2021 08:06

I don't think he's your partner, more like a brother/friend role as you say you'll miss that he can be "kind and generous... fun" and not you love him but "the kids love him".

Regardless of DCs, you want a partner who you love& trust, & who loves & trusts you. You don't have this nor stability even after previous ultimatums.

He's shown you who he is and will continue to act in the same way as it's him. You can stick with it, but don't kid yourself it will get better.