DH has arranged to spend Christmas with his parents….on his own

[Jisforjuggling]

This might just be the end of us.
The ILs live in a different country and don’t speak English. We stayed with them just before the first lockdown and he has managed to visit twice since (albeit once was for a funeral). We are booked to visit in feb half term. DH wanted to go for NY. I can’t. It’s a day travelling each way to get there and back and I have work commitments that just make it not worth while. I said he could take DC for the last week of the holidays. This would be the first time has has taken the children on his own and he knew I was apprehensive. I don’t trust his manipulative overbearing mother. This was huge for me. DH presents me with the flights he is proposing to take. He has turned this into an 11 day trip which also involves cancelling 2 long-standing holiday plans. I said no. I agreed to 6 days, 7 at a push. He says I’m being unfair and preventing him from seeing his parents. He sent me a text last night saying he has booked to go on his own for a week over Christmas. In 11 years we have never spent Christmas with his family….in his words ‘they don’t really celebrate Christmas’. It’s never even been discussed as an option. I’m considering telling him if he goes through with this we are finished. (Yes, iceberg and tip are valid comments).

Lucy she's not refusing to go or to let the kids go (although if they were mine it would be over my dead body). She has work and pre existing plans. Why should she change ever because he's thrown his toys out of the pram at not getting 100% his own way?
Life is too short for this shit!

I suspected as much @PinkWednesdays

If I wanted to take my DC to see my parents for 11 days during the Christmas holidays, after a period where travel has been limited and my DH said no I would be really pissed off!

Why do you get to be the decision maker?!

@Budapestdreams

You described his mother as manipulative and overbearing. It sounds like he is doing as he's told and will always do what she wants.

He does also sound quite immature and impulsive. You are right, his toxic childhood is still affecting him quite badly.

This sums up my thoughts too. I think he's being manipulated by his Mum and may be struggling.

Maybe he knows that taking the DC will make their Christmas rotten and leaving them with you is nicer for them? I dunno. Wild speculation.

Could you have a heart to heart with him about it all?

You say he’s miserable when he’s with his parents, sounds like he is trying to bully you to go for his own sake, so that you’ll make things a little bit less miserable and easier for him. Call his bluff, let him go by himself for 11 days, and chances are he won’t try to pull this stunt again.

Perhaps he’s not miserable with his parents if he goes alone. Less stress and he can converse with them in his native tongue without the OP getting arsey

Ultimately, he’s chosen to spend Christmas away from his DC (who do celebrate Christmas) with his parents (who don’t). It’s not about choosing between his parents and his wife and the rights or wrongs of that for me, it’s that he’s choosing to spend Christmas away from his children.

i guess he’s not happy with you being apprehensive about the DCs going with him alone, and subsequently ‘banning’ him from taking them. It’s controlling. You chose him to be your DH, and presumably trusted him enough to have children with him, yet feel it’s okay to control what he does with them. I’d be furious if my DH implied he didnt trust me enough to take them places on my own. I’m sure his dm being manipulative isn’t going to impact the DCs when they only see them so rarely. I don’t think it’s fair he goes awol over Xmas btw, but I can see why he might have done it.

[quote Jisforjuggling]@Redsquirrel5 I know he will be miserable. He done this in reverse before. Holiday booked, we have an arguement he says he isn’t coming. He doesn’t come so I go with the kids (because they are fully expecting a holiday and we’ve paid for it) and less than 24 hrs later he calls, he’s sad, he misses us, he’s going to come. And then he buys a ticket and comes. I never beg. He can make his own decisions and live with the consequences.[/quote]
I couldn’t cope with this level of uncertainty. Your DH is trying to control you, albeit unsuccessfully.

She gets to decide Pegasus because his parents aren't safe and he can't be trusted to stand up to them. And because the family already had plans that he is want to change. And because 11 days is a long time to be without your children over the Christmas period and one parent shouldn't be taking the dc out of the country at this time unless the other parent is in agreement.

For me the main issue is that he's emotionally abusive, manipulative and egotistic. He refuses to come on holiday, then decides he misses you and does come. I know you say you don't beg, but nonetheless this behaviour still means the attention is always on him.

And he 'resents that you work.' Why?

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow have you properly read the OP?

OP wanted him to go with the kids but they couldn't fit in more than a week without missing two other holidays. So he's thrown hi toys out the pram and is now going without the kids, for only a week! So he could have had the exact same amount of time, with the kids, over New Years as he wanted, but has had a tantrum.

@PegasusReturns

If I wanted to take my DC to see my parents for 11 days during the Christmas holidays, after a period where travel has been limited and my DH said no I would be really pissed off!

Why do you get to be the decision maker?!

Because they already have plans

Some people are clearly a lot more grown up than me because I have read the thread and just think what a dick! He’s literally stomped off and said right I’ll get her back for that and be away for Xmas then with no thought whatsoever for his DC or how this looks to them. It would be the straw that broke the camels back for me.

@RedHot22

They have to communicate in their own language because they don’t speak English!

It sounds like you’re picking holes now OP

Except it wasn't the OP who made the comment about not speaking English (other than a brief mention in her op).

@Jisforjuggling

What I don't understand is why was 6/7 days with the children not enough and you 'preventing him from seeing his parents' yet he's subsequently only booked to go for 6 days.

* i guess he’s not happy with you being apprehensive about the DCs going with him alone, and subsequently ‘banning’ him from taking them. It’s controlling. You chose him to be your DH, and presumably trusted him enough to have children with him, yet feel it’s okay to control what he does with them. I’d be furious if my DH implied he didnt trust me enough to take them places on my own. I’m sure his dm being manipulative isn’t going to impact the DCs when they only see them so rarely. I don’t think it’s fair he goes awol over Xmas btw, but I can see why he might have done it.*

^I agree. The OP has said that in 11 years they have never spent Christmas with his parents. She sounds controlling

@drpet49

* i guess he’s not happy with you being apprehensive about the DCs going with him alone, and subsequently ‘banning’ him from taking them. It’s controlling. You chose him to be your DH, and presumably trusted him enough to have children with him, yet feel it’s okay to control what he does with them. I’d be furious if my DH implied he didnt trust me enough to take them places on my own. I’m sure his dm being manipulative isn’t going to impact the DCs when they only see them so rarely. I don’t think it’s fair he goes awol over Xmas btw, but I can see why he might have done it.*

^I agree. The OP has said that in 11 years they have never spent Christmas with his parents. She sounds controlling

But she has agreed to him taking them alone, just not on the dates he wants to because they have longstanding plans.

She agreed they could go without her for a full week. That's not controlling.

Let him go and spend time with his elderly nagging parents. He won't go there again.

@faithfulbird20

Let him go and spend time with his elderly nagging parents. He won't go there again.

And the kids will always remember that Christmas that dad wasn't there. Nice.

@Jisforjuggling

This might just be the end of us. The ILs live in a different country and don’t speak English. We stayed with them just before the first lockdown and he has managed to visit twice since (albeit once was for a funeral). We are booked to visit in feb half term. DH wanted to go for NY. I can’t. It’s a day travelling each way to get there and back and I have work commitments that just make it not worth while. I said he could take DC for the last week of the holidays. This would be the first time has has taken the children on his own and he knew I was apprehensive. I don’t trust his manipulative overbearing mother. This was huge for me. DH presents me with the flights he is proposing to take. He has turned this into an 11 day trip which also involves cancelling 2 long-standing holiday plans. I said no. I agreed to 6 days, 7 at a push. He says I’m being unfair and preventing him from seeing his parents. He sent me a text last night saying he has booked to go on his own for a week over Christmas. In 11 years we have never spent Christmas with his family….in his words ‘they don’t really celebrate Christmas’. It’s never even been discussed as an option. I’m considering telling him if he goes through with this we are finished. (Yes, iceberg and tip are valid comments).

This is awful. You're absolutely right to have concerns over Mil if she has shown previously that she's not safe to be in charge of your children's welfare on her own. Your husband sounds immature and selfish to me, the people worst off in this situation are the kids which is awful as they are clearly your top priority. Is there an element of 'calling your bluff' here and he's actually just trying to get you to give in?

@drpet49

* i guess he’s not happy with you being apprehensive about the DCs going with him alone, and subsequently ‘banning’ him from taking them. It’s controlling. You chose him to be your DH, and presumably trusted him enough to have children with him, yet feel it’s okay to control what he does with them. I’d be furious if my DH implied he didnt trust me enough to take them places on my own. I’m sure his dm being manipulative isn’t going to impact the DCs when they only see them so rarely. I don’t think it’s fair he goes awol over Xmas btw, but I can see why he might have done it.*

^I agree. The OP has said that in 11 years they have never spent Christmas with his parents. She sounds controlling

Have you actually read her posts? Her husband's parents have been invited for Christmas and declined. We don't know if they've actually ever been invited there before.

The OP did not 'ban' her husband from taking the children. She just said 11 days didn't work and could he do 6/7 due to plans they've already made (and presumably the fact OP would like some time with her children over the Christmas holidays). He is now going alone for 6 days. He could have had those 6 days with his children then had the following 6/7 with his parents and children.

I appreciate that it may just be you giving the salient points, but it sounds like you unilaterally decide how and where you're going to spend the Christmas period.

11yrs is a long time not to have spent Christmas with his family, have you allowed it to be an option? Before ANY Christmas plans were made did you both jointly discuss how you were going to spend the Christmas period - with him getting first refusal of you all spending Christmas with his family since it's been so long?

If that didn't happen then you've been unreasonable putting him in the position of having to choose between you. If that did happen, and he said he didn't want to and then has turned round and expects you to change all your plans without discussion, then he's obviously being unreasonable.

I live away from my parents and they are 80s now. I feel very guilty, miss them, worry about them. Since I met my DP I have not been home for a single holiday where I used to go for nearly every one.

You don’t sound like you work together or listen to one another. (I am not judging, it seems impossible to me to do this also.)

It seems a bit unfair to say they don’t celebrate Christmas - the truth is they don’t do it the way you do.

It’s reasonable to think he’d like to have 1 Christmas out of 12 with them. His 11 day plan was too much and not well scheduled but there should be a way to meet his needs and yours also.

OP - you do realise that if you divorce, he’ll get the kids half of the time and can travel to see his family whenever he wants. And you’ll get half of Christmases with your family.

It sounds like you think it’s completely normal that you have been with your family for the last 11 years for Xmas. It also sounds like you think you are the only one who can decide what happens with the children.
You didn’t agree to 10 days, but 7 was OK.
Really.

In your H’s place I’d simply booked the 10 days - as there must have been a reason (availability and cost of flights) - why he looked at those tickets. You’d then could chose to come or not.

He is being unreasonable just going on his own. Maybe he has given up on the relationship.
But you both seem to match each other on the unreasonableness.

girlmom21
It was the comment re op stating she was apprehensive about him taking them alone. Why would she not trust their father, her DH, to look after them properly? That suggests controlling behaviour, and I sense that that is the over riding decision for her refusal, not the longstanding holiday plans she then mentions. Spending 11 days with their ‘manipulative and overbearing’ grandmother is not going to scar them for life.