DH has arranged to spend Christmas with his parents….on his own

[Jisforjuggling]

This might just be the end of us.
The ILs live in a different country and don’t speak English. We stayed with them just before the first lockdown and he has managed to visit twice since (albeit once was for a funeral). We are booked to visit in feb half term. DH wanted to go for NY. I can’t. It’s a day travelling each way to get there and back and I have work commitments that just make it not worth while. I said he could take DC for the last week of the holidays. This would be the first time has has taken the children on his own and he knew I was apprehensive. I don’t trust his manipulative overbearing mother. This was huge for me. DH presents me with the flights he is proposing to take. He has turned this into an 11 day trip which also involves cancelling 2 long-standing holiday plans. I said no. I agreed to 6 days, 7 at a push. He says I’m being unfair and preventing him from seeing his parents. He sent me a text last night saying he has booked to go on his own for a week over Christmas. In 11 years we have never spent Christmas with his family….in his words ‘they don’t really celebrate Christmas’. It’s never even been discussed as an option. I’m considering telling him if he goes through with this we are finished. (Yes, iceberg and tip are valid comments).

I wouldn’t say anything more to him, let him go. I bet when it comes to it he will feel bloody miserable.
Plan a few days out with the kids if you can. Cinema, long walk with hot chocolate at a cafe afterwards, if you are in a city go one evening and look at the shop windows or an Advent Window trail if there is one nearby. Film and snacks at home together. Make it special for them.

The other thing is how old are his parents? Perhaps he is getting concerned for them for the future though he could have gone after Christmas if they don’t celebrate much.
I would make sure you have the passports for the children well hidden just in case he impulsively books them at a later date. Don’t let on just keep calm and plan wonderful memories for them so they don’t miss him much. He might be quite different when he returns.

I don’t see anything wrong in visiting his parents, however it’s the way he’s gone about it.
If your children, and you as a family, celebrate Xmas I think he should be there with you.
But the way he’s done it, by just booking a ticket and then telling you, is wrong IMO. He seems to have no respect for you.
I think you need to look at your relationship as a whole and decide if you have a future.
But if resentment sets in, it’s the end anyway.

@Soontobe60 I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick. I haven’t said he couldn’t go and take the children- I said he could go, just not for 11 days. We have never gone there for Christmas partly because it’s a pita to get to and partly because they don’t really celebrate. They have been invited to spend multiple Christmases with us and always decline. They are early seventies with a few health problems, but mentally are mid 80s and always have been. Every time there is a health issue they make out they are dying. DH moved heaven and earth to go and see them and always comes back with ‘they weren’t really as bad as I thought’.

I would say he doesn't actually want to spend Christmas away from you all, rather he was hoping to manipulate you into going with him. And I would also agree with pp, he probably has a sense of loyalty to his parents regardless of how awful they are. Actually when the parents are awful, the feelings are usually even more complicated and overwhelming.
I would let him go, tell him I'm disappointed at how he's gone about it, but I understand the need to see parents. I'd arrange a lovely Christmas day for the kids, lots of fun activities either side. And I'd send him pictures to update him and have the kids phone him.
When he returns (if he goes) I'd sit down and talk to him. I predict he will feel very differently about his decision after spending the holidays with his parents.

Do DCs get a say in this - has he told them he will be away?
As nothing was explained to me as a child (alcoholic DF) strange things went on, which was quite scary, no one explained, we were just left to wonder/imagine/worry/fear what might happen.

Does he normally celebrate a lot at Christmas? Is it important to him? Just checking that it isn’t like me taking advantage of the holiday time and going away for Easter say.

@Redsquirrel5 I know he will be miserable. He done this in reverse before. Holiday booked, we have an arguement he says he isn’t coming. He doesn’t come so I go with the kids (because they are fully expecting a holiday and we’ve paid for it) and less than 24 hrs later he calls, he’s sad, he misses us, he’s going to come. And then he buys a ticket and comes. I never beg. He can make his own decisions and live with the consequences.

Let him crack on, he'll miss a lovely Christmas, I might even be tempted to tell him to take a bigger bag and stay there's

Tell him he has to explain this to the DC himself. Ridiculous tantrum from an adult. You sound incredibly tolerant and understanding OP. Hope he comes to his senses without too much prompting so you can move forward.

Gosh @Margotshypotheticaldog that’s a challenge. I’m not sure that either my heart is big enough or I’m adult enough to be that gracious. Wow. But I’m now feeling really challenged to be the grown up. Thank you.

He wants to go. They're his parents who he doesn't see very often. Why make it into a 'them or me' discussion? He tried to arrange a trip to suit you as well but failed so this is second best. Wave him off and have a good time with the kids and your family over Christmas - this is what the future would look like if you bin him over this but, no, it won't, as he'd get them every other Christmas! Think about being the bigger person over this.

Actions have consequences.

Let him go with no ultimatum beyond you are sad he is doing this now at Christmas but understand and it's his parents.
The holiday trip thing would fuck me off more

@Margotshypotheticaldog

I would say he doesn't actually want to spend Christmas away from you all, rather he was hoping to manipulate you into going with him. And I would also agree with pp, he probably has a sense of loyalty to his parents regardless of how awful they are. Actually when the parents are awful, the feelings are usually even more complicated and overwhelming. I would let him go, tell him I'm disappointed at how he's gone about it, but I understand the need to see parents. I'd arrange a lovely Christmas day for the kids, lots of fun activities either side. And I'd send him pictures to update him and have the kids phone him. When he returns (if he goes) I'd sit down and talk to him. I predict he will feel very differently about his decision after spending the holidays with his parents.

Think thats good advice.

I suspect he’s done it for a reaction.

It was unfair of you to not allow him to take the children after Christmas.

@Billandben444

He wants to go. They're his parents who he doesn't see very often. Why make it into a 'them or me' discussion? He tried to arrange a trip to suit you as well but failed so this is second best. Wave him off and have a good time with the kids and your family over Christmas - this is what the future would look like if you bin him over this but, no, it won't, as he'd get them every other Christmas! Think about being the bigger person over this.

The OP has said twice that she was fine with them going, just not for 11 days AND they had stuff booked and planned already.

I'd call his bluff - he won't go.

@Billandben444 it isn’t a them and us discussion- it was ‘you can go with the kids, but not for 1/2 the holiday’. He is going now on his own for LESS time than I offered he could go with the DC…..but has chosen to go over Christmas.

@Margotshypotheticaldog

I would say he doesn't actually want to spend Christmas away from you all, rather he was hoping to manipulate you into going with him. And I would also agree with pp, he probably has a sense of loyalty to his parents regardless of how awful they are. Actually when the parents are awful, the feelings are usually even more complicated and overwhelming. I would let him go, tell him I'm disappointed at how he's gone about it, but I understand the need to see parents. I'd arrange a lovely Christmas day for the kids, lots of fun activities either side. And I'd send him pictures to update him and have the kids phone him. When he returns (if he goes) I'd sit down and talk to him. I predict he will feel very differently about his decision after spending the holidays with his parents.

Yes. This

Hit post by accident!
And I would consider divorce over that. Whatever the intention or motivation behind it, it is manipulative and incredibly fucked up. Totally damahing and unfair on your kids and a gross waste of money

I couldn't be the bigger person and let him go and be all nice and calm.
I don't think that's even being the bigger person, I think that's being a doormat.

It's not even about you. It's about him not being with your young children on Christmas Day. Fuck that.

I'd be telling him if he doesn't want to spend this Christmas Day with his children he can have them on Boxing Day and every other weekend moving forward.

I think its crappy, but its one of those situations where it is what it is. There wasn't really a compromise here, he has been persuaded by his parents to spend Christmas over there with them, probably spurred on by their age and the fact that he hasn't spent Christmas with them in years, and probably spurred on by Covid previously making seeing them harder. You (understandably) didn't want to / couldn't go, so he has booked to go alone.
The only thing you can do is make the most of it and do things to suit the 3 of you. It'll be different but it won't be awful. I come from a family where dad often had to work Christmas day, my sister was a military wife who's husband used to often be away at Christmas. It isn't great, but you make it work.

It doesn’t matter how old his parents are, they don’t celebrate Christmas. He’s being petty and punishing the dc. I’d make lovely Christmas plans and tell him a man who chooses to abandon his children on Christmas isn’t a good dad, and his children will remember it. (& I’d think seriously about being done, but understand you don’t want an ultimatum. I would however find something amazing you have to prebook for and book for me and dc for a day he might be back if he gets all the jealous and comes running back, there is a place for petty )

@ANameChangeAgain his parents don’t do Christmas. He’s chosen the timing because he thinks it will piss op off and he is, based on this and other things the op says, incapable of thinking of his own children and how they are the ones missing out.

FWIW I think you are in the wrong. It's only ONE Christmas. Let him have what will prob be the only one he spends with his parents.

If he is otherwise a good husband and father, don't destroy you entire marriage and your children's lives over a few days away.

Unless you are deeply religious, the fact that it's Xmas week is irrelevant.

He's really petty. It sounds like he never grew up and his parents are the same with calling wolf over the illnesses.
It's just not on him dragging children into these kind of games. That would be my boundary.
Otoh I think its sad that he hasn't seen his parents over Xmas and it isn't about how big a celebration they throw. I think you could have acknowledged that and made more of an effort. I do think it's odd he doesn't want to take the dc but will go on his own and not see dc over xmas. Be careful there. I also wonder if he won't go ahead with it.

Why didn't you want him to go for 11 days? How many miles away do they live? My parents and family live 3000 miles away from me so anything less than a 2 week trip wouldn't make sense.