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Original poster

Sex drive doesn’t match DH

192 replies

LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 15:38

I’ll preface this with a note that I am very happy with DH and he does respect me. I don’t feel pressured into anything and DH is a true gent.

But

I feel guilty that he has a much higher sex drive than I do, plus my work hours leave me absolutely shattered at the end of the day. So sex is not as often as he (well, we - I suppose) would like.

While I know DH loves me unconditionally and loves our time when we do actually do the deed - I know he’s more adventurous than I am and sometimes feel like I should try new things for him, but he never pushes me to go out of my comfort zone.

We have a good relationship, and previously he’s talked about anal, toys, bringing someone else in (M or F). These things don’t appeal to me, I told him so and he’s not mentioned them again.

I think DH has a mentality of wanting to experience anything at least once, and I think it’s a great attitude to have - it just isn’t one I share.

I will say, there are no complaints about the sex (when we have it) from my end, DH always looks after me in that sense.

Please say this is normal and guys just love sex more than women; otherwise I might worry I’m not enough for him or there’s something wrong with me!

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 29/11/2021 15:53

I don't think that men inherently love sex more than women, but that women have evolved to look at it differently. Women bear all of the pregnancy risk and more of the STI risk than women. I also think that women go through more hormonal changes as we age as well as monthly. I think it's fairly common that a man in a relationship would want sex more frequently.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 29/11/2021 15:55

@LoopySpouse I'm a man and my relationship sounds similar to yours - my sex drive seems to be a lot higher than my wife's sex drive. I think there are lots of relationships like that out there, so there is nothing wrong with you! I try to be a true gent too, but it is hard to be the one who wants more sex in the relationship. (It's probably hard to be the one who wants less as well.)

You mention being shattered at the end of the day. Do you think you would want more sex if you were less tired? Or is this just the amount that you would want anyway? My wife often says she is tired, so I've been trying to do way more than my share with kids and the house, in case it helps her to feel less tired (partly just to help her to feel better, and partly because I hope her sex drive might then increase, but I'm not putting any pressure on her.) I'm not sure yet whether it is making any difference or not.

Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 15:58

The hormonal changes are definitely part of it. We were at it like rabbits when we got together in our early 20s!

Though no risk of STI, and we both want 1 more dc- just not at the moment - so those bits aren’t a concern.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 16:00

Good to hear it from the other point of view.
Even if I had more energy, I wouldn’t want as much a DH. He also does more than his fair share around the house and with the kids - probably with the same motives as you!😉

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 29/11/2021 16:04

What would worry me here is the fact that he suggested bringing someone else in.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 29/11/2021 16:06

Interesting to hear that he might be trying the same idea as me - sounds like it might not succeed for me either then! I'm still glad if it has helped her to feel less tired. But I do struggle with this situation sometimes. It's on my mind a lot and I feel sad about it more than anything else. Your DH might be fine with it though. If so, maybe he can teach me the secret to how to be fine with it!

Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 16:07

Isn’t a 3-way a very common fantasy?
I felt reassured that it was that rather than exploring independently (swinging or similar!).

OP posts:
Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 16:09

I do appreciate the effort he makes and do sacrifice an early night for him when I can muster the energy!
Though, I think he does resort to self care more often than he’d like to admit…..

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 29/11/2021 16:10

@LoopySpouse

Isn’t a 3-way a very common fantasy? I felt reassured that it was that rather than exploring independently (swinging or similar!).
Fantasy, maybe. But I don't think it's that common to suggest it in a serious way to your wife.
Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 16:11

@MoonbeamsGlittering sorry to hear it gets you down. I think you’re a great guy for being -or at least trying to be- so understanding.

OP posts:
MoonbeamsGlittering · 29/11/2021 16:13

@LoopySpouse Does the self-care bother you, or are you fine about it? When I was younger I wasn't sure whether people still did that when married. Maybe I was naive!

Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 16:13

I didn’t explain it was part of a conversation instigated asking what he likes/would like to try. I made it clearest the beginning that some/all might not happen. In my opinion, he was just honest; but I understand your view too.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 16:17

At first, I felt like I was failing him as a wife. But, the feminist in me reminded me that I’m not just there to lie back for his pleasure.

He has needs, I can’t begrudge that. I just haven’t asked/don’t want to know if he watches anything/who or what he thinks about when looking after himself.

I would mind, though, if I tried to start something with him and he had only sorted himself out recently. (Typing that out made me feel a bit guilty, he isn’t a mind reader, nor can he tell the future….. )

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Quartz2208 · 29/11/2021 16:19

Yes that sounds fairly normal.

I think as well I find it harder to switch off and relax - there is always things on my mind to do the next day get organised and potentially worry about that it is harder to get into the frame of mind. @MoonbeamsGlittering I wonder if that isnt true for you - it is on your mind so it is easy to get your mind in that place. For your wife it isnt just being tired it is managing (I am assuming here) some of the households and the children and constantly thinking about what needs to be done here that it is difficult to switch off.

Hormones also play a part. The secret is many just not taking it personally - it is about you at all. I think most of us would love to go back to the more carefree days of youth!

Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 16:23

Very wise input. Thank you.
Young me may have also been willing to be a bit more adventurous, as well as having a sex drive! 😂

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MoonbeamsGlittering · 29/11/2021 16:43

@LoopySpouse Sorry if TMI but: if I "self care" then I usually think about my wife. Also, part of my high sex drive is because I find her really sexy. I haven't always had this high a sex drive in previous relationships. Maybe your DH feels this way about you too.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 29/11/2021 16:45

@Quartz2208 You may be right, but I'm actively trying to take on more than half of the mental load and the physical load. I know there's this stereotype of the mother always doing "more" but my wife would agree that I'm doing more in our case. It's possible that I just naturally have more energy and I'm still less tired even after doing most of the kid/house stuff. Not sure what to do beyond that.

OrlandointheWilderness · 29/11/2021 16:46

I don't think it is necessarily always the man with the higher drive - I have a very high sex drive and it has caused issues within relationships before. Generally throughout a life together there are going to be phases when you aren't quite in balance. I think as long as you communicate and listen to each other, and no one is pressurising the other, then it isn't the end of the world.

Quartz2208 · 29/11/2021 16:47

I hate to say it but your posts make me feel a little pressured Moonbeams that it is her responsibility that your sex drive is that high and that is a difficult place to be when dealing with all the other stuff in life and being able to switch off from it

And it is noticeable that you say way more than your share - but is it? Have you actually ever thought what the whole share is. The sheer amount of stuff that needs sorting or thinking about that keeps life ticking over.

stalkersaga · 29/11/2021 16:48

It's common for there to be temporary or long term differences in sex drive between a couple. It isn't necessarily the man that has the higher drive, though. I have a higher drive than DH now. What matters is whether you can find a workable happy medium and how you communicate on it.

Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 16:48

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@LoopySpouse Sorry if TMI but: if I "self care" then I usually think about my wife. Also, part of my high sex drive is because I find her really sexy. I haven't always had this high a sex drive in previous relationships. Maybe your DH feels this way about you too.[/quote]
I kind of hope my husband is like you and thinks of me. In a weird, slightly selfish, way.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 29/11/2021 16:49

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@Quartz2208 You may be right, but I'm actively trying to take on more than half of the mental load and the physical load. I know there's this stereotype of the mother always doing "more" but my wife would agree that I'm doing more in our case. It's possible that I just naturally have more energy and I'm still less tired even after doing most of the kid/house stuff. Not sure what to do beyond that.[/quote]
Sorry I missed this.

I am not sure that then there is more you can do - it is likely (you dont say ages) that hormones are kicking in and tiredness plays a part in this and that you just have differing needs

KUdos6 · 29/11/2021 16:51

How often is not as often as he would like?

Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 16:56

@KUdos6

How often is not as often as he would like?
We may go a couple of months without anything, once every 6-8 weeks is probably standard.

I’d like every couple of weeks if I had enough energy, he’d be content with weekly (more if he could get it). I think he quite enjoyed TTC, with sex every other day no matter what (I probably tired the guy out!).

I’ve seen posts with couples having multiple sessions in a week and I don’t know how they manage - in a slightly jealous way.

OP posts:
stalkersaga · 29/11/2021 16:59

...That is very infrequent. 6-8 times a year is about what most people would consider sexless, tbh.

How old are the DC?