Sex drive doesn’t match DH

[LoopySpouse]

I’ll preface this with a note that I am very happy with DH and he does respect me. I don’t feel pressured into anything and DH is a true gent.

But

I feel guilty that he has a much higher sex drive than I do, plus my work hours leave me absolutely shattered at the end of the day. So sex is not as often as he (well, we - I suppose) would like.

While I know DH loves me unconditionally and loves our time when we do actually do the deed - I know he’s more adventurous than I am and sometimes feel like I should try new things for him, but he never pushes me to go out of my comfort zone.

We have a good relationship, and previously he’s talked about anal, toys, bringing someone else in (M or F). These things don’t appeal to me, I told him so and he’s not mentioned them again.

I think DH has a mentality of wanting to experience anything at least once, and I think it’s a great attitude to have - it just isn’t one I share.

I will say, there are no complaints about the sex (when we have it) from my end, DH always looks after me in that sense.

Please say this is normal and guys just love sex more than women; otherwise I might worry I’m not enough for him or there’s something wrong with me!

@MoonbeamsGlittering

Of course she is wrong if she’s not reciprocating you at all. If you want my advice you are being far far too nice and frankly (and don’t take this the wrong way), that may be what’s affecting your wife’s passion for you.

I mean listen to what your saying - you’ll do all the work round the house because your wife is tired, you’ll ask your wife for sex and she’ll say no, then on the unusual occasion she agrees it’s all about her needs and you keep persisting in doing your domestic act in the hope she’ll start desiring you more. That isn’t going to happen.

This is said out of tough love so please take it in that spirit - I’m going to tell you directly what none of these other posters will, your wife is in the wrong, but because your trying to be oh so nice about expressing it to her, now your just coming off as a wet pest to her which is a desire killer. I really think you need to sack up and tell her straight out it’s not good enough for you instead of pussy footing around. Maybe she’ll take it badly, but maybe it will make her think about how she’s acting in calling all the shots.

Ultimately most women want a man who knows and will speak his mind, not a lettuce boy who does chores for sexual scraps. What your doing is a terrible idea to get back your wife’s desire. Other women here will tell you that more nicely than that, but sometimes you need to hear it straight.

@TarasCrazyTiara I'm happy to listen to all advice and points of view, including yours. It's good to have a range of perspectives!

I'm not just doing extra kid/house work for sex. That wouldn't seem right. I'm doing it partly because she's my partner and I care about her and I want to make things better for her if she's tired and I've got energy.

I have no right to demand reciprocation. If I feel it's unfair then I can stop. It's my choice whether to keep doing things for her while knowing that she may not do them back.

Talking to her in the manner that you're suggesting would not work. Telling her that her attitude to sex is "not good enough for me"... she would tell me to get lost, and fair enough. I don't know whether there are some people out there who would react well to that, but she would not, and I would not expect her to.

I've never been called a "lettuce boy" before - Mumsnet has given me so much to think about!

At the end of the day relationships are about compatibility, not just sexually but in many other ways. With regards to frequency of sex, there is no right and wrong. OP is perfectly within her rights have have sex once every 2 months and her husband is entitled to want to have more sex. Nobody should be pressured into sex they don't want to have, however it is reasonable to want sex more than every 2 months. So if your husband isn't happy with this, it's about a compromise. Are you generally too tired for sex? In which case steps can be taken to help this, or do you not want sex more frequently? In which case, how much will it bother him/affect your relationship if you have sex around 6 times a year? Personally I like regular sex to feel close to my partner, on average it's around 3 times a week at the moment. This is less than when our DS (now 2) was younger, as he used to nap and we could have more alone time.

@EstrellaPequena

...because of what I posted below it?

Sure there will be, everyone is different.

I shared a different perspective and that I average the same timeline as the OP with the intention of balance and to hopefully help her feel like she's not "defective" because she doesn't want sex once a week or more.

Its not necessarily about want, but more a case of willing to do to satisfy their partner.

@CBroads

He's a grown man for christ sake. Women don't exist to please men. Get A. Grip.

Er no of course not. But sex is an extremely important part of a marriage.

I actually agree with her, minus serious health problems every 8 weeks is very low for a red blooded male. I mean how can we talk about wanting to be listened to and have our emotional needs met by our DH every other day if we can’t even be bothered to put out more than every 8 weeks. It’s neglectful and even though it may not be intentional, it’s actually quite disrespectful to ignore your mans needs like that. That’s how marriages become cold and men become distant IMO.

@TarasCrazyTiara I hope you're being sarcastic.

Look there are people with different sex drives but 6-8 weeks is really getting into sexless marriage and if the other partner is not ready for having such arrangements the relationship might not last. I am a woman and the only break we had was after I had a baby and was healing. I can't imagine having such a long break when the baby was one year old. We all are having different needs including the sex. I feel for me having sex is a need and I could not be in a relationship with such infrequent sex. Those that are in sexless marriages and feel that everything is alright, you are mistaken.

Look there are people with different sex drives but 6-8 weeks is really getting into sexless marriage

@beebeebe With a one year old baby...nah. People often say on here that the first couple of years can be a dry spell, they're just too knackered most of the time etc.

Sexless isn't 6- 8 weeks 😂 try years - in double figures !

@me4real

Look there are people with different sex drives but 6-8 weeks is really getting into sexless marriage

@beebeebe With a one year old baby...nah. People often say on here that the first couple of years can be a dry spell, they're just too knackered most of the time etc.

Exactly, it's just a particularly tiring and stressful time but it is temporary.

Every 6-8 is infrequent (but there are obvious reasons for that). It's absolutely not sexless.

@Ionlydomassiveones

You can make it sound like a crusade for women all you want - but the reality is in a supposedly happy marriage (or any relationship) between two healthy young (ish) people, if a red blooded male isn’t getting at least more than once every two months that relationship is in big trouble.

@TarasCrazyTiara Regarding the OP's situation specifically, none of us really know how her DH is reacting to this. From her posts, it sounds like her DH is a good guy and treats her really well. Perhaps he fully understands that she is struggling with tiredness at the moment. Also we don't know whether their 1-year-old kid has only just turned 1 and is still waking up a lot in the night, or is actually nearly 2 and sleeps well.

I think that your point of view might be right for some relationships, but not for others. There are a variety of different men (and women) out there. OP's man may be really devoted to her and may be taking the view that things will hopefully improve in a year or something. OP didn't write anything to suggest that she thinks he's about to start looking for another woman.

I do struggle with having a higher sex drive than my wife, but I would never ever cheat, and I understand that she is tired and struggling too. It's possible that our relationship might end up in trouble, but I would talk about it with her respectively as equals, not call her names or tell her that she's just doing it wrong.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]**@TarasCrazyTiara I'm happy to listen to all advice and points of view, including yours. It's good to have a range of perspectives!

I'm not just doing extra kid/house work for sex. That wouldn't seem right. I'm doing it partly because she's my partner and I care about her and I want to make things better for her if she's tired and I've got energy.

I have no right to demand reciprocation. If I feel it's unfair then I can stop. It's my choice whether to keep doing things for her while knowing that she may not do them back.

Talking to her in the manner that you're suggesting would not work. Telling her that her attitude to sex is "not good enough for me"... she would tell me to get lost, and fair enough. I don't know whether there are some people out there who would react well to that, but she would not, and I would not expect her to.

I've never been called a "lettuce boy" before - Mumsnet has given me so much to think about![/quote]
I'm really sorry, but it really does come across like you are doing housework for sex, as multiple people have suggested on this thread, and if that comes across here I'm pretty sure your wife will be reading that into it.

I don't at all agree with how @TarasCrazyTiara sees relationship dynamics working, but I do think that a man performing extra housework /childcare with the end goal of increasing frequency of sex is unlikely to have the desired effect. If I were you, I'd actually cut back on the disproportionate contribution to household management - you have an equal marriage between two equal partners and you both deserve equal leisure time. You have to respect yourself. Do your half, make sure your wife isn't taking on emotional labour that you hadn't considered, and take the bartering aspect out of your sexual relationship. Right now you are commodifying sex in your relationship and that is NEVER a good idea.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@TarasCrazyTiara I'm happy to listen to all advice and points of view, including yours. It's good to have a range of perspectives!

I'm not just doing extra kid/house work for sex. That wouldn't seem right. I'm doing it partly because she's my partner and I care about her and I want to make things better for her if she's tired and I've got energy.

I have no right to demand reciprocation. If I feel it's unfair then I can stop. It's my choice whether to keep doing things for her while knowing that she may not do them back.

Talking to her in the manner that you're suggesting would not work. Telling her that her attitude to sex is "not good enough for me"... she would tell me to get lost, and fair enough. I don't know whether there are some people out there who would react well to that, but she would not, and I would not expect her to.

I've never been called a "lettuce boy" before - Mumsnet has given me so much to think about![/quote]
Moonbeams you're not doing hosurwork/childcare for her anymore than she is doing it for you. That's what men don't get. You're doing it because you're a family, a team and you're a member of that team and capable therefore you should pull your weight.

I don't want to be in a relationship where the man I'm with thinks he's doing me a favour by pulling his weight. And that, coupled by them not pulling their weight, and when they did do something, making it seem like it was a favour, made them very unappealing to me.

This is what makes me want to have intimacy in a relationship.

1. having fun together. Being genuinely interested in each other. Talking for hours. Laughing together. Doing stuff together. Being interesting, intelligent. Debating stuff.
2. being with another grown adult. Being a partner, a team. And tbh I have rarely found that with men. Nothing more unattractive than having to mother a grown man. I want to be with another adult who sees something needs doing and does it.
3. being good in bed. Men understanding the power of the slow build up and the teasing.
4. affection doesn't have to lead to sex.

@YRGAM @Momijin I think I'm not managing to explain myself clearly sometimes on this thread. I believe in equality, 50/50, being a team, both pulling our weight. I am not a manchild and I have never expected her to mother me. Doing my fair share is not "doing it for her", no. It's the right thing for me to do.

But in the last year or so, my wife has been tired and stressed and has found it hard to pull her weight, and our sex life has suffered too. In recent months especially, I have been doing far more than my share (and she acknowledges this) because it seems like she needs me to help. It's not "help" if it's 50/50, but it is "help" if I'm deliberately doing way more. Again, I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do. I would do it even without any sex element. The two things are not strictly linked. I'm aware in my own mind that I do also hope that taking on all this extra stuff will help her to feel better (less tired and stressed) and she will naturally then regain more sex drive. That's not my only reason. I haven't actually been saying this to her or anything.

Lol @ the number of prude/frigid people on this thread.

@MrsBison

Lol @ the number of prude/frigid people on this thread.

Does insulting people make you feel clever?

Haven't heard 'frigid' used in a long time and it doesn't reflect well on you.

Im sorry, that probably wasnt the best term. But people saying sex every 6 to 8 weeks for a young/middle age couple is normal is funny to me.

Its definitely on the low side. I guess im just amused that these people cant accept that they have low libidos and/or are not the norm (in terms of sexual activeness).

The reason why it bothers me, is that my ex partner thought once a month was normal...we are no longer together.

@MoonbeamsGlittering is it in the past year then your wife has been feeling more tired and stressed and it has suffered? Was it different before.

I do think that there is something underlying all of this from what you say and that unless that is addressed it is not going to get you anywhere. Because taking on the extra stuff isnt actually fixing whatever the cause is just helping the symptoms. It is a painkiller if you will rather than medication for the actual problem.

If she wont communicate with you about any of this that is potentially part of the actual problem

Yes it's on the low side, but in OP's case there is an obvious reason for that at the moment. For others, maybe they don't have high sex drives and both parties are happy with that. There's no one size fits all.

@DirectionToPerfection

Agreed. As long as both sides are okay/agree with the frequency roughly, then it doesnt really matter.

@MrsBison
There really is! I mean every 8 weeks cmon now!

@Quartz2208 I think that her feeling tired and overwhelmed is the actual problem, rather than just a symptom. Her job has become more stressful, and one of our kids is 2 years old and can take a lot of energy to look after. But I have a lot of energy and I can cover most of the kid time without being exhausted at the end (whereas she perhaps can't), so it seemed to make sense for me to give that a try. We do talk occasionally but she finds it hard to find time for that too.

How often do you actually talk MoonbeamsGlittering - I mean find the time to talk as a couple. The fact she finds time hard for that is more of a red flag than the lack of sex. You need first of all to prioritise that above all else because she sounds very disconnected from you

The fact that you have a lot more energy is interesting because yes energy levels vary but not to the extent that you are indicating here.

Tiredness and being overwhelmed are symptoms - maybe of stress and depression due to her job, maybe due to some kind of deficiency but they dont appear in a vacuum something is causing them