Sex drive doesn’t match DH

[LoopySpouse]

I’ll preface this with a note that I am very happy with DH and he does respect me. I don’t feel pressured into anything and DH is a true gent.

But

I feel guilty that he has a much higher sex drive than I do, plus my work hours leave me absolutely shattered at the end of the day. So sex is not as often as he (well, we - I suppose) would like.

While I know DH loves me unconditionally and loves our time when we do actually do the deed - I know he’s more adventurous than I am and sometimes feel like I should try new things for him, but he never pushes me to go out of my comfort zone.

We have a good relationship, and previously he’s talked about anal, toys, bringing someone else in (M or F). These things don’t appeal to me, I told him so and he’s not mentioned them again.

I think DH has a mentality of wanting to experience anything at least once, and I think it’s a great attitude to have - it just isn’t one I share.

I will say, there are no complaints about the sex (when we have it) from my end, DH always looks after me in that sense.

Please say this is normal and guys just love sex more than women; otherwise I might worry I’m not enough for him or there’s something wrong with me!

@TarasCrazyTiara I think that we are mostly agreeing with each other, just with slightly different phrases. Yes, I agree that a relationship can "need" sex (as well as emotional intimacy and support and other things) in order to function well.

I think I'm also agreeing with you in terms of not all sex being the same. It makes sense to me that sometimes the focus might be on one partner and sometimes the other (and sometimes both.) Being "too tired for sex" might mean that it's not a good night to be swinging from the chandeliers for an hour, but maybe 10 minutes of one of you doing something nice for the other might possibly be manageable.

On the other hand, I have to admit that I might be wrong about this, because my wife doesn't seem to see it in the same way! I do most of the kid/house work to try to alleviate her tiredness, and if we do have sex I do the things that she likes and it doesn't have to take long, but she still mostly says that she doesn't feel like it. It's her choice, of course, and I don't pester her, but it is saddening. Like you said, I thought it might be flattering to be "badly wanted" - certainly I would like to experience how it would feel if she badly wanted me!

@MoonbeamsGlittering

It sounds like she’s checked out sorry. Doing more stuff with the kids makes you a good Dad but doing housework and childcare isn’t going to make you any sexier to her, at that point a lot of women in her position will feel like you do everything for sex even if your not trying for it all the time.
Honestly women who get like this and describe it on these boards usually put the blame on their husbands and are supported in the comments, but often the problem is them and they just want to justify losing feelings for their DH, by shifting blame. You read it here all the time.

If your wife doesn’t have any health issues or depression she sounds like a bit of a bitch tbh. I’d tell her that and let the chips fall were they may. What do you have to lose? Not sex if you aren’t having it. Maybe it will make her realise she’s taking you for granted if your blunt about it.

Otherwise what usually happens is it drags on and on like that and she will eventually (if she doesn’t know) blame you for it before she inevitably leaves to be free. I’d force the issue and get your ducks in a row just in case. Otherwise you’ll just be trying you best for nothing for years only to be rewarded by being left.

Men, go to your GP. Get something to lower your drive.

What a ridiculous statement to make , just imagine what would happen if you reversed this and a man said it to a woman, this site would melt with the cries of LTB.

@TarasCrazyTiara "...doing housework and childcare isn’t going to make you any sexier to her..." - that's a pity, because I was hoping it might! I remember Jo Brand making a joke about how a man could get her in the mood by "having a bit of a runaround with the hoover". My wife says she's tired so I thought it might help if I did even more so that she would be less tired. Yes, I can see how it sounds like I'm doing it just for sex. I'm not doing it just for sex, but it is partly with that hope, yes.

As to whether she has "checked out"... I don't think that's a 0% or 100% thing, if you see what I mean. I don't think she has totally gone off me, but maybe she's not totally into me. Somewhere in between. It's hard to know exactly where. We do have sex sometimes. Maybe I'm just more into her than she's into me. Doesn't feel good to write that, and not sure what to do about it.

I'm curious about the "blame me for it and she leaves to be free" part. If we're having sex at the lower frequency that she wants, rather than the higher frequency that I would hope for, then what would she blame me for and why would she want to leave? I mean, you might be right, but it would be quite a shock if I spent all this time trying to do more for her and fit in with her and then she decided to leave me.

@FabulousMrFifty It's kind of an interesting idea in an abstract way. Like, if I could somehow lower my sex drive, it would solve some problems. (If I could hypnotise myself to love my job, that would solve some others!) But it does seem like I would be deliberately robbing myself of one of life's great pleasures. Although, is it such a pleasure if I'm frustrated by not actually having so much of it? If I'm not going to get it half the time, maybe it actually would be better not to want it during that time?

@FabulousMrFifty

No it’s true that guys on average want it more often. Doesn’t mean they “love it more”, but they do love to do it more. Studies show that.

Is it not to do with higher testosterone? Women are at a disadvantage with hormone fluctuations that impact on sex drive.

I think with small kids one big issue some people have with sex is that it’s difficult to feel relaxed enough to get in the mood. There’s always a worry in the back of your mind that the kids might wake up and come looking for you. So the opportunities available are severely reduced. OP if you’d like more like a once every two weeks frequency then try scheduling that in. The build up might put you in the mood too. And once every two weeks is a lot closer to your husband’s preferred once a week frequency than once ever 6-8weeks is. Ignore the threesome+anal suggestions. You’re not keen so it wouldn’t be fun for anyone even if you did agree to try it.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@MaryStuart

I actually agree with her, minus serious health problems every 8 weeks is very low for a red blooded male. I mean how can we talk about wanting to be listened to and have our emotional needs met by our DH every other day if we can’t even be bothered to put out more than every 8 weeks.

It’s neglectful and even though it may not be intentional, it’s actually quite disrespectful to ignore your mans needs like that. That’s how marriages become cold and men become distant IMO.[/quote]
Thankfully most people realise the concept of “putting out” have no place in modern society. I prefer to be in a relationship where my partner wants an enthusiastic partner.
As for it being “disrespectful to ignore my man’s needs” what about Op’s needs NOT to have sex she doesn’t want? Why is your focus on the man’s needs to get his rocks off? Otherwise his attention may wander and the marriage may fail and that’ll be the wife’s fault for not having sex she doesn’t want.
As I said earlier, FFS. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Oh and don’t even get me started on : red blooded male.
That’s a load of bollocks too.

It is normal. It is a biological fact that men have much higher sex drives than women. It's a fact. You have nothing to feel guilty about, it's just how men are. It's the biology of the human species. There is nothing you can do about it, so please don't feel guilty or pressured into doing it more just for his sake.

@MaryStuart I'm a man with a higher sex drive, but I don't use phrases like "putting out" - like you said, I really want sex to be great for my partner. I try to do everything I can to be a good guy, do way more than my share with kids/house, pay attention to her pleasure first when we do have sex, and so on. She still doesn't want much sex. It's totally her choice, of course. It's just hard for me, because I would love to be with someone who really appreciated all of my effort and who wanted me to have great sex with them.

@MoonbeamsGlittering maybe start your own thread - the OP here I think needs to address her tiredness first with the GP to see if there is another cause.

Your relationship on the other hand I think is different and if you want advice I think you need to unpick it separately

@TarasCrazyTiara
Personally I think there are more subtle nuances in play, I think peoples “sex drive” (gender irrespective), fluctuates over time, when I was first married I would say we were pretty equal, but my Exs sex drive, slowed down a bit, but mine stayed the same until I was made redundant, that killed it dead and my Ex started dropping the odd hint about how long it had been since we had dtd.

The opposite was true with my last long term partner, when we first got together, it felt like I was the one who wanted more sex, but as we got comfortable with each other, her sex drive seemed to increase (or she was previously holding back), and she probably wanted more sex than me.

Oh look it's @TarasCrazyTiara popping in to make women feel shit about themselves and big up the poor men and their needs. As she (or maybe he?) has done in other threads.

OP has a one year old FFS, it's completely unrealistic that they'll be at it like rabbits.

Me and DH both have high sex drives luckily. We have it most days (the odd day or 2 we don't) but whenever threesomes are mentioned he shuts it down immediately. He doesn't want sex with someone else or to see me having sex with someone else so I'm not sure it's every man's fantasy for a threesome.

@rainbowandglitter Can I ask whether you two have kids, and what you do if one of you feels tired for a number of days?

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@MaryStuart I'm a man with a higher sex drive, but I don't use phrases like "putting out" - like you said, I really want sex to be great for my partner. I try to do everything I can to be a good guy, do way more than my share with kids/house, pay attention to her pleasure first when we do have sex, and so on. She still doesn't want much sex. It's totally her choice, of course. It's just hard for me, because I would love to be with someone who really appreciated all of my effort and who wanted me to have great sex with them.[/quote]
I don't think you should do more to 'help'. Just be a team and pull your weight and don't make it like you're doing her a favour, because you're not. It's your family and you're the other capable adult. I'm always suspicious of men on here who claim to do 'all' the housework and childcare because I've never seen that in real life.

But if that is sorted then the other thing that is important is non sexual intimacy. Talking, having fun and enjoying each other's company. Again, just because you enjoy being together and not in exchange for sex later.

10 minutes is never going to do it for a woman either, I don't think. But also, touching her and stroking and hugging her and kissing her just for affection and to make her feel good without it having to lead to sex.

Sex starts long before it reaches the bedroom.

Is it only me that feels there is a bit too much enjoyment of this discussion by certain posters on here ?

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@rainbowandglitter Can I ask whether you two have kids, and what you do if one of you feels tired for a number of days?[/quote]
I have an 11 yo and he has 2 that are now 19 + so we don't have young kids but we've been together 7 years so my ds was 4 when we got together and we've always been the same. We don't really tend to get tired that much but if we do feel tired in the evening then we'd have sex the next morning instead.

@MoonbeamsGlittering

Did you say in a previous comment that sex takes 10 minutes for you? If so, that's your issue right there. Where is the time spent taking care of your wife? 10 minutes is not going to do anything for a woman, so if it's just you getting your rocks off then it's not surprising that she's not keen.

Also agree with a PP that it's really important to be affectionate without the expectation of sex, it strengthens your connection.

@Momijin @DirectionToPerfection Sorry if I wasn't clear. When we have sex, my wife wants me to focus on her for 10 minutes, which is enough for her to "finish", and then she wants me to be done ASAP too. I would prefer longer and slower, but I feel like I need to fit in with her otherwise we'll have even less. I am also more affectionate than her.

It sounds awful but I am jealous

I have a high sex drive (I also like anal, the occasional third party, etc) and my DH doesn't.

It's fucking awful. I hate it. We are basically in a sexless marriage and I have a difficult choice to make, with a five year old to consider.

I long for a partner who wants to actually have good, adventurous, fulfilling sex!

By the way, I disagree that sex isn't a want. In my view, it is a need.

@Grumpasaurus

It's not a need. You're not going to die from not having sex.

Anal, threesomes, etc, are pretty out there for most people. Being turned off by those things is not unreasonable. But yes if those things are very important to you, maybe you need to find someone who shares your interests.