Sex drive doesn’t match DH

[LoopySpouse]

I’ll preface this with a note that I am very happy with DH and he does respect me. I don’t feel pressured into anything and DH is a true gent.

But

I feel guilty that he has a much higher sex drive than I do, plus my work hours leave me absolutely shattered at the end of the day. So sex is not as often as he (well, we - I suppose) would like.

While I know DH loves me unconditionally and loves our time when we do actually do the deed - I know he’s more adventurous than I am and sometimes feel like I should try new things for him, but he never pushes me to go out of my comfort zone.

We have a good relationship, and previously he’s talked about anal, toys, bringing someone else in (M or F). These things don’t appeal to me, I told him so and he’s not mentioned them again.

I think DH has a mentality of wanting to experience anything at least once, and I think it’s a great attitude to have - it just isn’t one I share.

I will say, there are no complaints about the sex (when we have it) from my end, DH always looks after me in that sense.

Please say this is normal and guys just love sex more than women; otherwise I might worry I’m not enough for him or there’s something wrong with me!

And although I may not always be that up for it physically I like that it makes us feel closer.

Someone once called sex the "well of forgiveness" in a relationship. I think that's apt. When you bond and give each other pleasure it rounds off the rough edges.

It seems to me that the tiredness is the issue but the lack of actual desire.

I agree with the posters saying to see a doctor and get checked for vitamin or iron deficiency. That's important regardless of sex.

He's a grown man for christ sake. Women don't exist to please men. Get
A. Grip.

Maybe his revelation that he would like to bring another woman or man into your bed for a threesome has unnerved you? Maybe sharing his desires for anal sex have turned you off and you are putting your lack of desire for him down to tiredness instead?
I reckon most women wouldn't accept the suggestion of getting it on with a third party quite as calmly as you have.

Please say this is normal and guys just love sex more than women; otherwise I might worry I’m not enough for him or there’s something wrong with me!

I’m sure others have responded, but I don’t think this really true at all, I think some people just like more sex than others, irrespective of gender really.

Looking back to when I had a much lower sex drive than my partner -

• are you on hormonal contraception? That murdered my sex drive.
• how often do you orgasm when you have sex? I never orgasmed at all with a partner and pleasure was a bit limited. It made it unappealing tbh.
• how long from first kiss to orgasm, for both of you? For me obviously I never got there. It was rare for my husband too so I faced a very long session every time ith a lot of 'work' and again it put me off.
• are you even partially inhibited by your children being in the house? I had no idea how much of a factor this was until it wasn't an issue any more. Can you find a way to have sex when they're in childcare, ever? In the daytime?
• do you feel exactly the same about anal, toys and someone else? These are very different things. Also, what did you say you would like to try? Have you tried that?

@LoopySpouse

Assuming you are 30s/40s, once every 6 to 8 weeks is very low imo.

Once a week is healthy, once every 2-3 weeks is okay, once every 4-5 weeks is a bit low, 6 weeks+ is very low.

Tbf, he might be eyeing other women now, and you probably couldnt blame him.

I think it’s normal to go through patches and people’s sex drives do differ, and I don’t think anyone should have sex if they don’t want.. but…. Once every two months is really not a lot, if it’s been going on for a while.

It might be worth a chat w GP to test thryoid etc, and also scheduling time - maybe once every 3 weeks to start, with the aim of ending up at once a week most weeks if you both feel comfortable with that. I find that a) the more I have sex the more I want to and b) it’s like going to the gym, I often don’t want to, but when I do I feel better.

Only if you feel it’s something you want to address, obvs, bu the fact you are posting indicates you might.

Mismatched sex drives is so difficult to deal with in a relationship!
My boyfriend is happy with about once a fortnight.. my ideal would be 3 times a week! He gets upset if I mention it saying that I'm putting pressure on him and that just makes him feel like having sex even less.
Then we go into me not mentioning it and us not having sex for ages 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't want to put pressure on him at all.. but him not wanting to have sex with me makes me feel so unattractive and miserable.
Other wise our relationship is good and I wouldn't want to end it over the lack of sex.. seems ridiculous!

[quote MrsBison]@LoopySpouse

Assuming you are 30s/40s, once every 6 to 8 weeks is very low imo.

Once a week is healthy, once every 2-3 weeks is okay, once every 4-5 weeks is a bit low, 6 weeks+ is very low.

Tbf, he might be eyeing other women now, and you probably couldnt blame him.[/quote]
FFS - seriously?
She’s knackered, but she should be up for sex according to your ‘schedule’ otherwise it’s ok for him to “eye up other women”
Jeez - am I dreaming and we’re actually in the 50s? The 1850s?
Give me strength.
Op this is utter bullshit. Ignore.

@WhenSepEnds obviously your idea of a true gent differs from mine .

I know we're not supposed to say men have a higher sex drive than men, but on average I think they do objectively.

He has needs

Sex isn't a need, it's a want. I wouldn't consider how much he's gone on about it pleasant. Maybe it's not so bad if that convo about threesomes etc was pretty much a one-off.

I think a lot of it is that you don't have much of a work/life balance and maybe should consider changing your hours or job if you want to.

And honestly your youngest LO is one, from all I've heard about having one that age, the sex frequency could be a lot worse. A lot of people have a dry spell that lasts a fair while when they have a kid that age, due to exhaustion etc.

Like you said about feminism, it's easy for women to feel wwe have to give men what they want. But we're people too and your wants and needs are just as important. Having sex when you don't want it I think isn't pleasant/healthy.

I do think the frequency adds context. I would say I have a moderate/low sex drive, and have a busy job and young children but we manage almost weekly. Dh would be disappointed with less although he’s a gentleman. Every 6-8 weeks isn’t much when he pulls his weight around the house. Do you like to read op? Would some romantic fiction be worth trying to see if it gets you in the mood more? (sounds a bit bleugh I know but I think women are often more inclined to read than watching something)

I think as well I find it harder to switch off and relax - there is always things on my mind to do the next day get organised and potentially worry about that it is harder to get into the frame of mind I think this is much bigger for women than men. Dh has started to put music on and it does help me not lose focus and start thinking about work (work is NOT sexy to be clear!) , might be worth trying?

Oh thank God - a rational person has showed up. Listen Op, you’ve got young kids, a lot in your plate - you don’t need bloody hormone checks (as if gps haven’t got enough on 🙄) and there’s nothing wrong with you.

Well said.

Why aren't posters suggesting the men go to their GP to see about their high sex drive to get some help in lowering it instead of all these extra hoops women can jump though so she can feel like having sex again?

Men, go to your GP. Get something to lower your drive.

They clearly don't have enough to do in life if they have so much time and energy to worry about their dicks so much.

@RantyAunty Is that actually a thing? If I could lower my sex drive it would "solve the problem" in a way. However, it would seem sad to be effectively trying to stop my brain from enjoying something, so that I have more time to focus on slogging through my job and doing housework. In an average week I probably spend 10 minutes having sex versus over 2000 minutes doing my job. It seems sad to me that some people would want to reduce that 10 minutes even further, so that I have more time to do other things in life that are less enjoyable.

There's so much emphasis on fucking like rabbits .... and if there's a mismatch in sex drive it's a huge deal ... There's other things that people in relationships can do other than constantly be in bed...

I realise that I am in the minority here, but I find just being close much more of a turn on during those 'down' periods than being pestered constantly - cause all that does is makes the partner who doesn't have the equal high SD like a useless partner ...

My ex cheated for this reason (once as far as I know - could be more...) because he was THAT desperate for sex... that was the point I realised he didn't love me at all - it was all about sex... anyhoo - for your partner to want to involve others ... that's odd to me, unless of course you knew that about him right at the beginning.... My ex had 'kinks' that appeared early on and I even had it on record where I said NO just a few weeks in, but it didn't stop him ...

Anyway - don't feel guilty for not wanting to have sex... yes it's important but he's not going to die without it ..

I am wondering if people have missed out the detail that the OP has a 1 year old. Sex every 6-8 weeks sounds completely normal at that stage of life; lots of people with babies are having much less (I certainly was).

A lot of men (who don’t have health problems) will want sex more. I wouldn’t say they necessarily like sex more it’s just that they would be happy with it, wham, bam style no matter how it’s taken, then they just love on with their day. Most women are different I think though it can be fun to go along with at times.

I will say that while there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking your partner if they want to try different or new sex acts I don’t think wanting to bring another person into sex is usual and I’d be seriously pissed off and disgusted by DH if it was ever suggested to me.

If a threesome is something you’ve always known your husband might want and married him knowing it, then that’s one thing, but if he’s suggesting it out of the blue then to me he’s taking the piss big time and doesn’t value what you bring.

*go on with their day, not love on lol

@loonietune Really sorry to hear about your horrible experiences with your ex. I am totally against cheating and I would never do that.

For me, sex is something that can be an incredibly enjoyable experience (and I do everything I can to make it incredible for her too) and there aren't many other things in my weekly (or monthly) life that feel the same way. Things like spending time with family and friends and other time with my wife are also enjoyable in other ways, of course, but sex is just a different kind of category and I haven't found something equivalent to replace it with.

When I "do the maths" and realise that I spend more time brushing my teeth than I spend experiencing this other-level joy, it feels like something has gone wrong in the way I'm living my life.

@MaryStuart

I actually agree with her, minus serious health problems every 8 weeks is very low for a red blooded male. I mean how can we talk about wanting to be listened to and have our emotional needs met by our DH every other day if we can’t even be bothered to put out more than every 8 weeks.

It’s neglectful and even though it may not be intentional, it’s actually quite disrespectful to ignore your mans needs like that. That’s how marriages become cold and men become distant IMO.

Honestly once a week isn’t really a high sex drive for a man OP, plenty of couples do it 3/4 times a week if the relationship is good as an average. Honestly I think most men could probably do it every day if they don’t have to put in emotional effort and can just slam it. Especially if your young enough to have young kids.

The biggest problem for me on his end is his mention of a threesome. Unless you expressed prior openness to that that is disrespectful.

@TarasCrazyTiara I think some people take issue with the idea that sex is a "need". I'm a man with a high sex drive, but I completely accept that I don't "need" sex - I just really like it. Also I wouldn't want my wife to feel like she was supposed to "put out" - I want her to have a great time too, and I do my best to make it great for her.

Phrases aside, I think I agree with you that it's about priorities in the relationship. If sex requires some time and some energy, then we can make a conscious effort to make a bit of time and to have some energy available. This may mean trying to find a way to slightly reduce the time and energy being used up by other things. It's probably not a huge reduction. There are over 10,000 minutes in a week, so finding 10 minutes (or 20 or 30) for sex doesn't seem like a huge amount.

@MoonbeamsGlittering

If sex isn’t a “need” then emotional connection and conversation isn’t really a “need” either. Of course you can live without them but they are a “need” in the sense that to have a healthy relationship, you “need” them. At least when your younger sex is like that, in older age if you have health problems that’s different but at the point your still considering more children it can be defined as a “need” in a relationship sense (not a life or death sense).

And it’s alright to put out and give it up sometimes - give him a gift of your body. Yes there are times when it’s about both of you or more about me, but it’s fine for it to be about him finding you desirable without turning it into a candles and romance romance novel. Not every time but sometimes. If you don’t want it at the time just say no. Actually that can often lead to better sex than planning some big lame sex date night. Most women like a man who can be a man with them.

It’s like if you give a blowjob or oral you don’t have to immediately have the favour returned if your not in the mood. I know modern thought tells you that women should be traumatised by a little (consensual) wham, bam, thank you mam, but really it’s flattering to be badly wanted.