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Original poster

Sex drive doesn’t match DH

192 replies

LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 15:38

I’ll preface this with a note that I am very happy with DH and he does respect me. I don’t feel pressured into anything and DH is a true gent.

But

I feel guilty that he has a much higher sex drive than I do, plus my work hours leave me absolutely shattered at the end of the day. So sex is not as often as he (well, we - I suppose) would like.

While I know DH loves me unconditionally and loves our time when we do actually do the deed - I know he’s more adventurous than I am and sometimes feel like I should try new things for him, but he never pushes me to go out of my comfort zone.

We have a good relationship, and previously he’s talked about anal, toys, bringing someone else in (M or F). These things don’t appeal to me, I told him so and he’s not mentioned them again.

I think DH has a mentality of wanting to experience anything at least once, and I think it’s a great attitude to have - it just isn’t one I share.

I will say, there are no complaints about the sex (when we have it) from my end, DH always looks after me in that sense.

Please say this is normal and guys just love sex more than women; otherwise I might worry I’m not enough for him or there’s something wrong with me!

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 29/11/2021 17:03

Oh that is quite a gap... I don't think I would be very happy with that tbh. If you want to have sex then it isn't so much your sex drive that is the issue - it's the fact you are exhausted. No one feels like it when they are knackered! Is there anything that can be done to help address this?

Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 17:05

DC are 1 and 5, part of the reason I’m so tired. Though DH is a vetrybhands-on dad so I can’t really use them as an excuse! 😂

OP posts:
KUdos6 · 29/11/2021 17:06

6-8 weeks is quite infrequent. Do you have any support network to help with childcare et?

Appiandterri · 29/11/2021 17:06

DH sent me this the other day. He at least has a sense of humour about our mismatched sex drives Grin

vm.tiktok.com/ZM8tKLwWP/

Dery · 29/11/2021 17:07

My sex drive is reactive rather than spontaneous and quite a lot lower than DH’s so I get that. But still, if there are no underlying health issues, even with work and young children, once every 6-8 weeks seems pretty infrequent to me. I think there’s a danger of drifting into no sex territory quite easily.

KUdos6 · 29/11/2021 17:07

Are you BF too? That killed my SD.

Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 17:08

If I won the orrery and didn’t have to work I would have more energy…..

In all seriousness, shy of changing jobs (which is way easier to days than do), I don’t know what else I can do.
The DCs are full on but good but full on, but work is my main cause of tiredness due to long hours and mental strain.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 17:08

@LoopySpouse

If I won the orrery and didn’t have to work I would have more energy…..

In all seriousness, shy of changing jobs (which is way easier to days than do), I don’t know what else I can do.
The DCs are full on but good but full on, but work is my main cause of tiredness due to long hours and mental strain.

*lottery
OP posts:
Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 17:09

Bottles, we tried BF but it couldn’t continue for multiple reasons.

OP posts:
OhItsMeeeee · 29/11/2021 17:11

My DP has a higher sex drive than me but we average about twice a week. Obviously, like yourself we had much more sex when we first got together.

Honestly, I’d look at getting my hormones tested. That’s not very often at all.

Classicblunder · 29/11/2021 17:21

We are in the same boat, similar frequency. I guess the difference for us is that we do both want to do it more and we both lack the energy.

It sounds really unromantic but the only thing that seems to work for us is scheduling it in - sometimes we plan a particularly easy dinner so that we can have sex after putting the kids to bed and then have a quick dinner afterwards.

Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 18:06

@Classicblunder

We are in the same boat, similar frequency. I guess the difference for us is that we do both want to do it more and we both lack the energy.

It sounds really unromantic but the only thing that seems to work for us is scheduling it in - sometimes we plan a particularly easy dinner so that we can have sex after putting the kids to bed and then have a quick dinner afterwards.

I might need to start booking it in advance….
OP posts:
amiafreakofnature · 29/11/2021 19:09

That opposite for us my husband would have it twice a year and be happy and it makes me feel so rejected and worthless

MissConductUS · 29/11/2021 19:31

Honestly, I’d look at getting my hormones tested. That’s not very often at all.

I agree. If you are young enough to be considering another child and have that little desire you should have a medical cause ruled out.

Original poster
LoopySpouse · 29/11/2021 19:49

@MissConductUS

Honestly, I’d look at getting my hormones tested. That’s not very often at all.

I agree. If you are young enough to be considering another child and have that little desire you should have a medical cause ruled out.

I have a desire to, not as much as a desire as DH. The biggest thing that prevents anything happening is tiredness. I’d be satisfied with a session every 2-3 weeks, DH would be up for it at least once a week. I count how adventurous he is as a mis-match in our sex drives too.

Perhaps a call to the GP would be worthwhile though….

OP posts:
MarbleQueen · 29/11/2021 19:57

We have a good relationship, and previously he’s talked about anal, toys, bringing someone else in (M or F). These things don’t appeal to me, I told him so and he’s not mentioned them again.

I don’t think a spouse talking about bringing someone else in counts as a sex drive mismatch. It’s a massive thing to suggest and I’d be really concerned. I’ve not much time either for men’s obsession with anal either.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 29/11/2021 20:14

@LoopySpouse I mean this in the kindest way possible, but I struggle to fully understand people saying that they are too tired for sex for weeks on end. Like, it doesn't have to take very long. My wife is done after 10 minutes - it seems like less effort than doing the dishes! I mean, if that's how you feel then that's how you feel, of course. Could it be partly that you go to bed at different times or something? Or does the 1-year-old still wake up a lot? I know there's a big difference between a 12-month-old and a 23-month-old!

MoonbeamsGlittering · 29/11/2021 20:19

@Quartz2208 We are in our 40s. It could be hormones. I'm worried for the future. If menopause switches off her sex drive completely then I could be left with a very difficult choice to make.
(To address an earlier point: I know it's not her responsibility to deal with my sex drive. It's just hard when I see sex as one of the great joys of life and she perhaps doesn't so much. Like seeing chocolate cake all the time but rarely being allowed to eat any. If you like chocolate cake. Obviously it's not the cake's fault, but it creates a difficult situation.)

IamGusFring · 29/11/2021 20:26

previously he’s talked about bringing someone else in (M or F)

This is not a true gent .

User2638483 · 29/11/2021 20:33

Gosh I was reading this and wasn’t expecting you to say every 6-8 weeks! That would be difficult for a lot of people I’d say.

Feel like showing this to my dh who gets grumpy if it’s been more than 3 nights 🙄
But in all seriousness I find the less I have it, the less I want it, and the more I have it the more I want it if you see what I mean.
If it goes too long for me it can become this big ‘thing’. And although I may not always be that up for it physically I like that it makes us feel closer.

Quartz2208 · 29/11/2021 20:35

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@Quartz2208 We are in our 40s. It could be hormones. I'm worried for the future. If menopause switches off her sex drive completely then I could be left with a very difficult choice to make.
(To address an earlier point: I know it's not her responsibility to deal with my sex drive. It's just hard when I see sex as one of the great joys of life and she perhaps doesn't so much. Like seeing chocolate cake all the time but rarely being allowed to eat any. If you like chocolate cake. Obviously it's not the cake's fault, but it creates a difficult situation.)[/quote]
Has it changed recently having hit this age.

And how often it is.

I have to say there is a difference between wanting it daily and getting it weekly/fortnightly which is I think normal in a relationship in your 40s and every 2-3 months with someone who is tired all the time.

I would say tired all the time plus 2-3 months and in the 40s may well be perimenopause and therefore she should see a doctor.

Not by the way to necessarily increase her sex drive but because it sounds as if there is a medical reason and she could feel so much better

OP if your biggest issue is tiredness/fatigue and it is constant I would go to the GP and ask for bloods to see if there is anything that can be done because that side could be easily solved.

Quartz2208 · 29/11/2021 20:38

and not just hormones tested @LoopySpouse because it sounds as if your sex drive is 2-3 weeks but tiredness is tripling that and it could be a lack of vitamins etc or something - iron levels for example that are driving this.
What is your diet like?

I would say first off take the tiredness seriously as it sounds like you are exhausted. And that could be solved by identifying a deficiency in either vitamins/minerals or hormones and take it from there

Momijin · 29/11/2021 20:42

Every man I've been with would have happily had sex daily but I don't want it that much. I think that women (or I at least) don't get the equivalent of erections daily and we are often at the mercy of hormones and/or being stimulated before we get in the mood. And if we are busy and touched out and tired then stimulation doesn't get a chance. Plus (at least for me) getting an orgasm from a partner doesn't happen very often.

If you're tired then get him to do everything that needs doing at home once a week for example whilst you chill reading or having a bath and then spend some quality time together.

I've noticed that when my bf is over when I have the kids, he becomes another chore (and like you, I have a very busy job, kids to look after and a house to clean). When it is just the two of us, it is different.

WhenSepEnds · 29/11/2021 20:45

@IamGusFring

previously he’s talked about bringing someone else in (M or F)

This is not a true gent .

That's a bit unfair? It was a conversation he didn't instigate, he only brought it up, never forced it
WhenSepEnds · 29/11/2021 20:46

@User2638483

Gosh I was reading this and wasn’t expecting you to say every 6-8 weeks! That would be difficult for a lot of people I’d say.

Feel like showing this to my dh who gets grumpy if it’s been more than 3 nights 🙄
But in all seriousness I find the less I have it, the less I want it, and the more I have it the more I want it if you see what I mean.
If it goes too long for me it can become this big ‘thing’. And although I may not always be that up for it physically I like that it makes us feel closer.

Sooooo agree- the more you have, the more you want and the less you have, the less you want